“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.13): Trust No Bitch

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Daya is back from the hospital, feeling like she just got punched in the vagina. She’s pissed that Aleida went behind her back to keep the baby, but is secretly relieved at the outcome. Aleida promises her that children adapt, and that she would regret it if she didn’t keep her. She calls children the best high that also ruins your life…so, like heroin? Daya begrudgingly thanks Aleida and they seem to have made a connection.

or9I know I was a terrible mother, but I’m really looking forward to being a barely adequate grandmother

Caputo and Danny meet with Danny’s dad in a fancy country club type place where white dudes drink whiskey and smoke cigars. Caputo makes the case that they are losing money by losing focus on their people, and Mr. Dad brushes it off as a “long-term priority.” Which is bullshit. Danny freaks out, yells at his father, quits his job, and storms out. Nothing sadder than a middle-aged man throwing a tantrum.

Piper is in the library, which now houses a variety of useless donated books. She’s stashing her cell phone there and making payments, when Flaca rolls up. She thanks Piper for giving her a second chance, but Piper is suddenly paranoid that Flaca is trying to horn in on her business. Speaking of paranoid, Alex and Lolly are waiting in the commissary line, where Lolly bonds with Chang over various conspiracy theories. If these two wanna team up and solve mysteries, I am on fucking board.

or10The real conspiracy is how the fuck they’re gonna remake “Point Break” without me

Zombie Soso drags ass into Healy’s office, but he assumes her appearance is due to her new meds. When he tries to get her to trash Berdie, she drops a truth bomb on him: he sucks at his job and makes her feel terrible. Soso then drops the invisible mic and walks out. YA BURNT.

Stella and Piper are hiding out in the chapel, where Stella has made a bobo tattoo gun and plans to tattoo Piper. Girl, that is how you get hepatitis! Piper wants an infinity symbol, bc LOL she’s basic, but Stella convinces her to agree to a white-ink surprise tattoo. Piper wants a distraction from the pain, but Stella tells her to own it. Stella says she’ll miss her and they kiss. There are so many bad ideas in this scene I can barely keep track.

or11Do you think you can fit all the lyrics to “Bitch Better Have My Money” on my forearm?

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