“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.13): Trust No Bitch

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Flaca returns to Piper with her tail between her legs. She wants back in the panty business because her mother is sick and needs money. Piper resists at first, but then offers to start her back at a lower rate. Alex says Piper is being manipulated, but Piper doesn’t care what she thinks. She considers herself a benevolent dictator (OF COURSE she does) but she’s too conceited to realize that’s an oxymoron.

or5Almost angry enough to fuck Piper right now

Meanwhile, Gloria feels guilty over Sophia’s predicament, and Red offers her a variety of vegetables to use as sex toys. She realizes she needs to clean up her mess…especially the one she made from dumping a prison meal on the floor.

Lorna gets a visit from Vinny, who wants to break up because he can’t handle loving a woman in the joint. Lorna tells him she loves him and proposes with a magazine clipping of an engagement ring. He tears up and accepts, and Lorna finally has the guido man of her dreams. They make out until the guard tells them to knock it off. Flashback! Baby Lorna is receiving her first communion, but she refused to eat the Eucharist because carbs. She tells her parents that the point of communion is her pretty white dress, and she spins around and around thanking Jesus.

or6Now that Nicky’s gone, I guess I’m settling for your guido ass

Red sees Norma looking sad, and goes to comfort her. She talks about her personal hero, the first Russian woman in space, Valentina Tereshkova. Can you imagine Red as an astronaut? She’d whip the space program into shape so fast. They are distracted when Leanne sees Norma’s visage burned into a piece of toast. It’s a miracle! Or a broken toaster.

or7The Norma, the Son, and the Holy Gluten

Poussey and company prop Soso’s body up at their lunch table in an effort to keep her awake. They adopt her as one of their own, while Black Cindy continues to work on her conversion. Flashback: Young Watson struggles with her family, who are members of the Nation of Islam. She wants to pursue a college scholarship through running track, but her father finds her team uniform “whorish” (UGH). Watson says that she doesn’t believe Allah is her god, and her father slaps her across the face. Fucking patriarchy, am I right?

or8Sossey is happening, so get on fucking board!

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