“The Fosters” recap (3.6): SuperCallieFragillistic-expialodocious!

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Previously on The Fosters, Callie and Brandon went to Mexico without passports and jumped off a cliff. On the way back Callie told Brandon off for being a privileged asshole before sweet talking her way back across the border. Jude was Out of Town or off fishing, possibly saving the world, who knows. Brandon continued his streak of are-you-kidding-me-how-much-privilege-can-this-boy-have streak by having the kid he yelled at show up and tell him that not only is he forgiven for being an asshole he has a ticket back into Idyllwild. How do I sign up for his life? Stef hired a plumber which pissed off Lena because Lena is the one keeping secrets and she can’t deal with Stef keeping them too. So they are off to therapy to save their marriage or whatever bullshit drama the powers that be have cooked up for them this season. AJ saw his granny, got a call from his brother, and told Callie he has a crush on her.

In the dream kitchen, the family is eating tacos and discussing Callie’s upcoming birthday party. Callie doesn’t want to hassle anyone, so she tells the mom to get whatever is easiest from the store for dinner. Callie wants to buy herself a car for her birthday, but the moms aren’t sure that 800 bucks is going to get her anything remotely safe or reliable. Mariana calls them out for sexism because they pay for Brandon’s monthly costs and bought him a car. When the moms say that the car isn’t just his but belongs to the whole family, Brandon is all “How dare you take something from me that I didn’t earn or deserve!”

Fosters 3061*trying not to think about the last time we ate “tacos”*

Stef and Lena do dishes and Lena talks about how maybe Mariana shouldn’t tell Callie about sleeping with Wyatt because it’s just going to hurt Callie, and that just sucks. Stef seizes the opportunity to see if just maybe they can skip therapy. No dice. But maybe Lena should start by unburdening herself about that stupid kiss. Judicorn bops in to tell them that everything is all set for the surprise party he planned because he is the cutest little thing on the planet.

Mariana wakes Callie up to wish her happy birthday with a wad of guilt money. Callie won’t take it, but they decide that with their 1400 bucks maybe they can get a car together. Mariana says that they should just go ahead and buy one and then ask the moms for forgiveness rather than asking permission ahead of time.

The moms are sitting in therapy with a shrink who thinks they are too damn polite and suggests they each make a burn book about the other person for next week. Stef seems to think this will only make matters worse. Stef can only imagine all the things Lena hates about her and starts a slow freak out that burns for the rest of the episode.

Fosters 3062 I can’t believe you let that guy make a mask of your face, honey.

Callie and Mariana have located the perfect car. The former owner named the car Nelson and refuses to let him go for less than her asking price. Mariana tries to play hardball and they end up walking home without a car.

Fosters 3063

Out in the garage of teenage shenanigans, AJ calls his brother who asks him where he can pick AJ up. Brandon walks in and AJ ends the call, then lies to Brandon about who he was talking to. Mariana and Callie call about the car only to find out that it has been sold. Bye bye, Nelson.

Stef tells them to get to the backyard where Callie is surprised by every person she has ever met. After Jude announces the surprise, the hair model walks in and freaks the hell out of Mariana. I am pretty sure in this house a surprise party is the only thing that can go more wrong than a dinner party.

Fosters 3064 Your life has been so predictable, I thought you’d love a surprise for a change.

While Callie makes the rounds to say hi to the guests (Hi Sophia! Hi Cole! Hi Girls United! Hi Rita!), Stef wants to smack the hell out of Wyatt. Lena says maybe cool it on the violence and Stef grumbles that it’s just one more thing to add to the hate list. Jude bops over all frantic because the delivery guy is late and he’s worried Callie isn’t having a good time.

Fosters 3065 The only thing going on the hate list are these pajamas you wore to the party.

Meanwhile, Brandon could give a shit about other people having a good time because he is hot on the trail of AJ. What time exactly was Mike talking to AJ today? Was it precisely 4:47 PM? Can he be sure? Brandon wants to look at Mike’s phone just to be sure.