“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.12): Don’t Make Me Come Back There

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Hey everybody! It’s the penultimate episode of Orange is the New Black Season 3, and Daya is finally pooping out that baby! That’s what they call it, right–pooping out a kid? IDK, I’m not a doctor.

The kitchen crew is talking her through deep breathing and sharing their own birthing experiences. Maritza didn’t know she was pregnant until seven months in, but that’s mainly because she was smoking a lot of pot that summer. Aleida brings Daya some expired pineapple, but Daya tells her to fuck off on account of Aleida being the worst. Daya has decided to keep her baby, and she wants nothing to do with the woman who tried to sell it.

or1Babies hate expired fruit–this will get her out of there for sure!

Flashback: it’s an Aleida episode, which I’m not psyched about, but anything is better than Caputo, am I right? Young Aleida watches Daya play and tells her mother about a summer camp upstate for city kids. Her mother warns her against accepting charity, but when Aleida notices Daya playing with an old condom, she decides to send her to camp.

Red has started a organic farm dinner lottery system, and the line is long. Despite bribes and begging, Red maintains that her dinners are luck of the draw. Over in Pantyland, Stella sees Piper looking all butthurt over her break-up and invites her to movie night. Piper says she needs time alone (LOLOLOLOL) and Stella assures her that she can get some play elsewhere because she’s basically a model.

or2 So ready to listen to all your dyke drama

Poor Soso is now stuck with Healy again since Berdie got suspended. She decides to try medication and he writes her a rec for the doctor. Tucky and Big Boo discuss their revenge plan, and Tucky says that Caputo would never believe them if they ratted out Donuts. Boo says that they’re gonna go full Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on his ass and rape him right bad. Ugh, you guys–two rapes don’t make a right!

or3I am butch, hear me roar!

Sophia is sweeping up the salon when a group of inmates roll in and start harassing her. They start hitting her and ripping at her clothes, and Sophia starts fighting back. One of the new guards sees the fight, but instead of stopping it she runs for Caputo.

Aleida is complaining to Maria about Daya. She says that when kids are little, they love their parents so much, it’s like having a tiny fan club. That kind of perfect love is addictive, and Maria admits that she needs her kid more than the kid needs her. Parents rely on their children in ways that kids can’t even begin to understand.

or4This shit looks like “The Addams Family Values.”Where’s Wednesday?

Flashback! Aleida drops off Baby Daya at summer camp, but Daya is scared and wants to go home. Aleida realizes that she has to be strong, so she calls Daya a brat and storms off with tears in her eyes. As Daya walks off, Aleida cries in her car. Dammit, Aleida, your story is making me choke up. Stop giving me feels!

Alex and Piper have an awkward run-in, which they can look forward to because they are in the same fucking prison. Gerber pulls Piper aside to tell her he’s chickening out and quitting panty smuggling. Whomp whomp.