Hey everybody! It’s the penultimate episode of Orange is the New Black Season 3, and Daya is finally pooping out that baby! That’s what they call it, right—pooping out a kid? IDK, I’m not a doctor.
The kitchen crew is talking her through deep breathing and sharing their own birthing experiences. Maritza didn’t know she was pregnant until seven months in, but that’s mainly because she was smoking a lot of pot that summer. Aleida brings Daya some expired pineapple, but Daya tells her to fuck off on account of Aleida being the worst. Daya has decided to keep her baby, and she wants nothing to do with the woman who tried to sell it.
Flashback: it’s an Aleida episode, which I’m not psyched about, but anything is better than Caputo, am I right? Young Aleida watches Daya play and tells her mother about a summer camp upstate for city kids. Her mother warns her against accepting charity, but when Aleida notices Daya playing with an old condom, she decides to send her to camp.
Red has started a organic farm dinner lottery system, and the line is long. Despite bribes and begging, Red maintains that her dinners are luck of the draw. Over in Pantyland, Stella sees Piper looking all butthurt over her break-up and invites her to movie night. Piper says she needs time alone (LOLOLOLOL) and Stella assures her that she can get some play elsewhere because she’s basically a model.
Poor Soso is now stuck with Healy again since Berdie got suspended. She decides to try medication and he writes her a rec for the doctor. Tucky and Big Boo discuss their revenge plan, and Tucky says that Caputo would never believe them if they ratted out Donuts. Boo says that they’re gonna go full Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on his ass and rape him right bad. Ugh, you guys—two rapes don’t make a right!
Sophia is sweeping up the salon when a group of inmates roll in and start harassing her. They start hitting her and ripping at her clothes, and Sophia starts fighting back. One of the new guards sees the fight, but instead of stopping it she runs for Caputo.
Aleida is complaining to Maria about Daya. She says that when kids are little, they love their parents so much, it’s like having a tiny fan club. That kind of perfect love is addictive, and Maria admits that she needs her kid more than the kid needs her. Parents rely on their children in ways that kids can’t even begin to understand.
Flashback! Aleida drops off Baby Daya at summer camp, but Daya is scared and wants to go home. Aleida realizes that she has to be strong, so she calls Daya a brat and storms off with tears in her eyes. As Daya walks off, Aleida cries in her car. Dammit, Aleida, your story is making me choke up. Stop giving me feels!
Alex and Piper have an awkward run-in, which they can look forward to because they are in the same fucking prison. Gerber pulls Piper aside to tell her he’s chickening out and quitting panty smuggling. Whomp whomp.
Black Cindy is running outside when she sees Freida asleep in the garden. She sneaks in and steals some corn like she’s a cartoon rabbit. Soso meets with the doctor, who prescribes her some meds. He steps out of the office and she sees a pack of pills on his desk.
Caputo meets with Sophia, who is bruised and bloody. He says he’s sympathetic to her cause, but there’s nothing he can do. Sophia recommends he fire the shitty guard and get them crisis and sensitivity training. She threatens to speak to a lawyer and tells him to go fuck himself.
Big Boo and Tucky come up with a plan to rape Donuts. That’s a weird sentence to type. Big Boo has been hoarding dog sedatives from the puppy program, and she plans to drug Donuts with it and then shove a flashlight up his ass. Or maybe a broomstick. They’ll work out the details later.
Piper is all bummed that her burgeoning criminal enterprise has been shut down. Stella tells her to offer him more money, and Piper realizes that she promised sex and never delivered. Piper feels gross about molesting Gerber since he’s so young, despite him being in the position of authority. It’s a real gross dilemma.
Taystee, Black Cindy, Watson, and Poussey are enjoying the stolen corn and talking about Sophia. Red interrupts them and demands to know what the fuck they’re gonna do about the corn. Taystee steps up and apologizes for stealing, striking a deal with Red. She offers up her crew as waitstaff and Poussey’s hooch. They’ll even do the dishes. Red accepts, and Taystee feels good about brokering the peace.
Cal’s girlfriend Neri is vacuum-sealing the panties for FeloniousSpunk.com (solid website name) and she wants to charge more for the panties. Neri also wants to recruit her friends to wear the panties as well, since who is gonna fucking know. Cal doesn’t want to exploit Piper’s business, but Neri assures him that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
Aleida checks in with Daya, who is still in pre-labor. She admits that she was selfish, but she wanted what was best for the baby. She tells Daya she feels like she fucked up as a parent and that she’s a terrible mother. Daya is like, “YUP.” Aleida tries to comfort her, but Daya brushes her off. Daya realizes she’s bleeding and they get the guard to call an ambulance. Aleida feels helpless as she watches the paramedics take away her daughter.
Flashback: Aleida picks Daya up from camp, where she had an amazing time. Daya is full of excitement and sad to leave her friends, and Aleida is hurt because it seems like her daughter didn’t miss her. Daya tells Aleida she wants to be an artist when she grows up, and comes home with a big stack of art.
Piper goes to see Gerber in the guard cube, and tries to seduce him. Before she can, Stella busts in and talks Gerber off the ledge, promising that the danger is worth it for the cool stories he’ll have. Gerber is back in the biz, and didn’t even catch onto the whole seduction angle. Oh so innocent.
Sophia sees Sister Ingalls praying and asks her to pray for her. Ingalls is sad because they used to be tight, and then Sophia drifted away. Remember when they organized the Christmas pageant in season one? Doesn’t that feel like a million years ago? Ingalls tells Sophia not to give her enemies the satisfaction of seeing her hurt. Sophia laments that she will always be treated differently, despite how she feels.
Meanwhile, Danny is golfing with his dad and telling him about Sophia’s threatened lawsuit. Dad wants to send Sophia to SHU for her own protection, because he only cares about money. He assures Danny that what they do doesn’t matter, but Danny is sick of working for the evil empire.
Red walks into the kitchen to find a crate of fresh corn, delivered by Healy. Whatever dude, you’re still a dick. Caputo and O’Neill talk about electing union leaders while walking the perimeter. Caputo comes across the fabled chicken, who then disappears. When Caputo sees it on the other side of the fence, he finds a hole in the fence, with Chang’s orange stash. Oh shit.
Aleida calls Delia, who is setting up the baby nursery. She tells her that the baby died in delivery, and Delia is devastated. She promises to write to Daya and offers her sympathies.
Flashback: Aleida brings Daya home from camp, where she starts throwing away Daya’s art. Daya is upset, and Aleida assures her she can make more. She tells Daya that she missed her, and that maybe camp was too hard without her mom. Daya sees her mom’s pain, and throws her a bone; she says that some of camp was boring and she missed watching Judge Judy with her. Aleida busts out some cigarettes and Doritos, and smiles when Daya tells her she’d rather be a mom than an artist. Fuck, why is it raining on my face?
In the hospital, Daya holds her very much alive baby daughter, and they are both healthy and fine.
Back at the Chapman house, Neri is working on a faux pussy discharge, using blue cheese and tuna. Cal says there is no nuance to the spunk, and realizes that Neri has no idea what pussy smells like. All her reported college bi flings were bullshit—she just wanted Cal to think she was cool, and there’s nothing cooler than being bisexual in college! (Unless you were like me and got mono. NOT COOL.) Cal sets about creating an Umami miso-based imitation pussy scent.
Red is hosting her fancy real food dinner party, where everyone toasts to her culinary wizardry. In attendance are Morello, Alex, DeMarco, and Yoga Jones. Yoga asks Alex how she’s doing post break-up, and Alex admits that her relationship with Piper never really seems to be over. We know, girl. Later, Healy finds a slice of quiche with a flower on his desk, from Red. BLERG.
It’s movie night in Litchfield, and Tucky and Big Boo have drugged Donuts with the puppy sedatives. Suzanne finds out that people are writing Time Hump fan fiction, including vampires and all sorts of played out shit. Guys, the show knows you write fan fiction! The fourth wall (of porn) is broken! We are through the looking glass! Also, I laughed so hard at Black Cindy calling the New Testament fan fiction, I can’t even. Freida brings some drama to Taystee, hoping she’ll work it out, and Taystee suddenly realizes that she’s the mom of her crew.
Aleida tells Gloria that she sent the baby home with Cesar, against Daya’s wishes. What the fuck, Aleida?! She says being an abuela is her chance to do something right…or a little less shitty. I don’t know, guys, maybe Daya wants to keep the baby? Did she know about this? I’m unclear, but I think Daya is gonna be pissed. Or not. Please explain to me in the comments.
Tucky and Big Boo drag an unconscious Donuts into the laundry room, where they bend him over and pull down his pants. When confronted with his hairy man ass, both women are repulsed and unwilling to rape him with a broomstick. Big Boo wanted Tucky to work out her rage, but Tucky tells her that she isn’t angry—she’s sad.
Piper joins Stella and holds her hand during the movie. She’s decided that she’s not interested in being alone, and invites Stella to be her partner in panties/panty business. Stella is into her, but also getting released on Tuesday. Sad trombone noise.
Poussey is grabbing her hooch from the library, when she comes across an unconscious Soso who has overdosed on stolen pills. Poussey freaks out and runs to get help. The guards come to escort Sophia to SHU, and she has tears in her eyes. Gloria watches her as she takes the slow walk down to SHU. Fuck.
One more episode to go, Oranginas! Tweet me your Time Hump fanfic @ChelseaProcrast
