Archive

“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.11): We can be heroes

“Finally, a Caputo episode!” — No One Ever.

In this episode, Orange is the New Black continues its quest to get us interested in the people that run the prison. Unfortunately, all those people are dicks, so no one cares. While I think the storyline of privatizing Litchfield is interesting and relevant, it pales in comparison to actual inmate drama. Guess what I don’t wanna watch on OITNB? A bitter white guy’s origin story. But it’s happening, so let’s roll with it.

We open with Caputo and Figueroa (hey girl) having vigorous doggy-style sex in Caputo’s bachelor pad. They are repulsed by each other, but can’t seem to stop fucking. Fig calls him out for being a “nice guy” who is really an angry and resentful douche. Accurate.

CO Ford, who has been leading the charge in guard issues, wants to form a union to go up against MCC. Angry that their hours and benefits have been slashed, the rest of the guards are interested. Caputo quickly shoots down the idea, and the guards accuse him of siding with MCC.

Flashback: High school Caputo is a champion wrestler, and he’s taking one for the team by agreeing to wrestle a differently-abled student because it’s the kid’s dream. His coach lauds him as a hero, but when the kid slams Caputo into the ground, he realizes that his wrestling career is over.

Back at Litchfield, Flaca finds a union flyer in the trash and decides to start a panty union. One of the new guards mistakes Angie for another inmate with the same last name who is due to be released. Angie embraces the mistake and hugs Leanne goodbye as she tries to make a break for it. Meanwhile, Donaldson wonders why everyone’s calling him Admiral and Bell starts reading the Time Hump Chronicles.

Alex apologizes to Lolly for attacking her in the bathroom, and Lolly agrees not to rat her out to the guards. This involves Alex playing into Lolly’s delusions by pretending she’s a double agent with the CIA. They reach a détente, and Lolly gets a free tube of Vagisil, so everybody wins!

Big Boo hits up Tucky for some donuts when she notices that Tucky is rocking a bracelet and some bruises. Boo immediately understands what happened, but Tucky is so stuck in her mother’s mindset that she refuses to see what happened as an assault. She defends Donuts, basically saying she was asking for it. Oh girl, no.

Alex apologizes to Piper for her paranoia, and says she feels like she’s going crazy. She even attributes Piper and Stella’s shadiness to her paranoia, and Piper doesn’t try to correct her. Piper promises her she has nothing to worry about, but when they kiss we see her eyes remain open. Open eyed kissing is the beginning of the end, y’all.

Word of Sophia’s attack on Gloria has spread, stirring up transphobia and resentment. Inmates start referring to Sophia as “it” and generally being terrible. Leanne trips Soso in the caf and poor Soso continues to feel alone. Piper finds out about Flaca’s union when the panty squad demands fair pay and new terms.

Angie gets released without anyone realizing she’s the wrong inmate. They give her $40 bucks and a bus voucher and send her on her way. Stella calls out Piper for avoiding her, and Piper says she needs to be there for Alex. Despite that, Stella still gives up her panties…for the business. Meanwhile, the guards realized they just let the wrong inmate out the door.

Leanne goes to the Normans, calling Angie’s release a miracle. Everyone praises Norma and offers her commissary goods for her magic. Soso tells Norma that the group is bullying her, and that her followers are full of shit. Norma looks upset and Leanne promises to handle it.

Donaldson bring the Time Hump Chronicles to Healy, who is appalled. When Suzanne tells him that Berdie encouraged her to use her imagination, he sees an opening to get rid of his rival. Angie is driven to the bus station by Donuts and Tucky, who wishes her the best of luck. She’s almost busted when Tucky calls her Angie, but Tucky claims it’s because she looks like Angelina Jolie. They drop her off, and Angie is officially free.

Piper talks to Red about the panty union, and Red offers her criminal expertise for 10%. Her advice is to stop fucking Stella aka don’t shit where you eat. She also tells Piper that she can pay the panty squad by using a money card and a cell phone to pad their commissary. Piper just needs to find a cell phone, and they’re hidden around Litchfield like Easter eggs.

Caputo is flipping out over the lost inmate, and blaming MCC because their computers fucked up/they hired guards who don’t know the inmates. Danny is freaking out and asks Caputo if they can just track down Angie themselves. He admits that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and only has the job because of his dad. Caputo says he’ll go alone, and Danny thanks him.

Flashback: A grown Caputo, with a mullet and a moustache, is going on tour with his band. It’s a big break for the band, especially since they got over the drama of the lead singer fucking Caputo’s girlfriend. Said girlfriend shows up and tells Caputo she’s pregnant…with the lead singer’s baby. Caputo still loves her though, and quits the band to stay home and marry her. Once again, sacrificing his own best interest to do the right thing.

Piper is on the hunt for a cell phone, and along the way she finds chicken wings, a blunt, and a shiv made out of Jolly Ranchers. She finally finds a cell phone and nabs it. Piper shows Alex the stolen phone, but Alex has had her fill of organized crime. Piper is pissed that creating a panty cartel isn’t the turn-on she hoped it would be, and wants to know what happened to her sexy dangerous criminal girlfriend. Alex tells her to grow the fuck up.

Rumors are flying about Sophia, and her salon remains empty. Even Taystee ditched her to get a weave from her rival. Sophia calls everyone out for being transphobic, and admits that the worst part of being a woman is all the catty backstabbing drama. She’s not wrong.

Meanwhile, Daya is suffering back pain from being pregnant for three years. Maria is massaging her and helping her, because she gave birth in prison too. However, when she finds out that Daya is giving up the baby, she freaks the fuck out and screams at her. After all, she can’t even see her daughter, and Daya is willingly giving her own up? Poor Daya can’t get a break.

The guards plan to have a union meeting, and Bell quotes Les Miserables because she just rented the movie. Luschek joins at the promise of $2 shots. Caputo calls Danny from the road and finds out that Danny is “handling shit” at Litchfield, namely firing Berdie. Way to go, ass clown.

Flashback: Caputo’s first day on the job. His boss takes him on a tour of the camp, and we see Miss Rosa! With hair! She’s watching Olympic wrestling on TV, and Caputo thinks about what could have been.

Piper meets with the panty union and explains the cash cards. They’ll be making $8 bucks per panty as well as spice packet benefits. Everyone is excited until Piper fires Flaca for starting the union. Look who’s a thug now.

Healy has confiscated the Time Hump Chronicles, because he is an enemy of fun and women and sexuality. Poussey wants Suzanne to keep writing, but Suzanne wants to get back to the quiet life. Poussey still carries the anger of Suzanne’s beating, and Suzanne apologizes and holds her hand. She said that Vee made her feel like a person, feel loved, and she needed that.

Berdie packs up for her temporary leave, and confronts Healy for being a racist, misogynistic fuckwad. He tries to mansplain his position, but she calls him a vengeful little man who sucks at his job. Please come back soon, Berdie, if only to keep burning Healy!

Caputo finds Angie at the bus station, and sits down with her. She admits that she has nowhere to go, and no money or options. Freedom feels weird to her, so she willingly comes back with Caputo. She does offer him a freedom blow job, but he passes.

Soso wakes up from a nap to find that her beautiful Pocahontas hair has been cut off by crazy Leanne. Hoo boy. Danny kisses Caputo’s ass for saving his own, and Caputo lays down the law: the guards need training and benefits. Danny says it’s not gonna fly, and nobody cares about the little man. Besides, how has doing the right thing ever helped Caputo?

Flashback: Caputo comes home to find his wife has packed her bags. She’s leaving him for the lead singer, who is now a successful rock star. Caputo is left with no baby, no wife, and no rock band. He tries to blame his wife, but she reminds him she didn’t ask for his help. He tried doing the right thing, and it fucked him over.

Big Boo tries to buy sexual favors from Tucky with snack foods. She keeps pushing her until Tucky admits that was raped. It’s aggressive and brash, but the message breaks through. Big Boo hugs her and promises that they’ll get revenge on Donuts. These two, you guys. These two.

Piper brags about firing Flaca to Alex, who remains unimpressed with her attempts at badassery. She calls Piper’s behavior gross, and decides she wants no part in Piper’s panties or her business. Piper assumes that Alex is jealous, and Alex dumps her ass.

The guards have their union meeting at the bar, and they realize that they need a leader. Caputo shows up full of advice and MCC insider knowledge. They beg him to take up the leadership mantle, and he accepts. Everyone raises a glass to Caputo and sings a song from Les Miserables.

I did not enjoy this episode. Did you? Share your thoughts and feels with me @Chelseaprocrast

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button