“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.11): We can be heroes

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Flashback: Caputo’s first day on the job. His boss takes him on a tour of the camp, and we see Miss Rosa! With hair! She’s watching Olympic wrestling on TV, and Caputo thinks about what could have been.

or11One day I’m gonna steal a prison van and run everyone down

Piper meets with the panty union and explains the cash cards. They’ll be making $8 bucks per panty as well as spice packet benefits. Everyone is excited until Piper fires Flaca for starting the union. Look who’s a thug now.

Healy has confiscated the Time Hump Chronicles, because he is an enemy of fun and women and sexuality. Poussey wants Suzanne to keep writing, but Suzanne wants to get back to the quiet life. Poussey still carries the anger of Suzanne’s beating, and Suzanne apologizes and holds her hand. She said that Vee made her feel like a person, feel loved, and she needed that.

or12 Take my hand and we’ll make it I swear, OHOH living on a prayer!

Berdie packs up for her temporary leave, and confronts Healy for being a racist, misogynistic fuckwad. He tries to mansplain his position, but she calls him a vengeful little man who sucks at his job. Please come back soon, Berdie, if only to keep burning Healy!

Caputo finds Angie at the bus station, and sits down with her. She admits that she has nowhere to go, and no money or options. Freedom feels weird to her, so she willingly comes back with Caputo. She does offer him a freedom blow job, but he passes.

or13 Just chillin in the Utica bus station, like we do

Soso wakes up from a nap to find that her beautiful Pocahontas hair has been cut off by crazy Leanne. Hoo boy. Danny kisses Caputo’s ass for saving his own, and Caputo lays down the law: the guards need training and benefits. Danny says it’s not gonna fly, and nobody cares about the little man. Besides, how has doing the right thing ever helped Caputo?

Flashback: Caputo comes home to find his wife has packed her bags. She’s leaving him for the lead singer, who is now a successful rock star. Caputo is left with no baby, no wife, and no rock band. He tries to blame his wife, but she reminds him she didn’t ask for his help. He tried doing the right thing, and it fucked him over.

or14 Why do things never work out for straight white males in America?!

Big Boo tries to buy sexual favors from Tucky with snack foods. She keeps pushing her until Tucky admits that was raped. It’s aggressive and brash, but the message breaks through. Big Boo hugs her and promises that they’ll get revenge on Donuts. These two, you guys. These two.

Piper brags about firing Flaca to Alex, who remains unimpressed with her attempts at badassery. She calls Piper’s behavior gross, and decides she wants no part in Piper’s panties or her business. Piper assumes that Alex is jealous, and Alex dumps her ass.

or15We are DUNZO…for at least a couple of weeks. Maybe a month.

The guards have their union meeting at the bar, and they realize that they need a leader. Caputo shows up full of advice and MCC insider knowledge. They beg him to take up the leadership mantle, and he accepts. Everyone raises a glass to Caputo and sings a song from Les Miserables.

I did not enjoy this episode. Did you? Share your thoughts and feels with me @Chelseaprocrast

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