“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.11): We can be heroes

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Angie gets released without anyone realizing she’s the wrong inmate. They give her $40 bucks and a bus voucher and send her on her way. Stella calls out Piper for avoiding her, and Piper says she needs to be there for Alex. Despite that, Stella still gives up her panties…for the business. Meanwhile, the guards realized they just let the wrong inmate out the door.

or6Breaking panty unions and Vauseman unions

Leanne goes to the Normans, calling Angie’s release a miracle. Everyone praises Norma and offers her commissary goods for her magic. Soso tells Norma that the group is bullying her, and that her followers are full of shit. Norma looks upset and Leanne promises to handle it.

Donaldson bring the Time Hump Chronicles to Healy, who is appalled. When Suzanne tells him that Berdie encouraged her to use her imagination, he sees an opening to get rid of his rival. Angie is driven to the bus station by Donuts and Tucky, who wishes her the best of luck. She’s almost busted when Tucky calls her Angie, but Tucky claims it’s because she looks like Angelina Jolie. They drop her off, and Angie is officially free.

or7SO excited to see Maddox and Shiloh and Pax and Zahara and Brad Pitt

Piper talks to Red about the panty union, and Red offers her criminal expertise for 10%. Her advice is to stop fucking Stella aka don’t shit where you eat. She also tells Piper that she can pay the panty squad by using a money card and a cell phone to pad their commissary. Piper just needs to find a cell phone, and they’re hidden around Litchfield like Easter eggs.

Caputo is flipping out over the lost inmate, and blaming MCC because their computers fucked up/they hired guards who don’t know the inmates. Danny is freaking out and asks Caputo if they can just track down Angie themselves. He admits that he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and only has the job because of his dad. Caputo says he’ll go alone, and Danny thanks him.

or8Wanna hug it out, bro?

Flashback: A grown Caputo, with a mullet and a moustache, is going on tour with his band. It’s a big break for the band, especially since they got over the drama of the lead singer fucking Caputo’s girlfriend. Said girlfriend shows up and tells Caputo she’s pregnant…with the lead singer’s baby. Caputo still loves her though, and quits the band to stay home and marry her. Once again, sacrificing his own best interest to do the right thing.

Piper is on the hunt for a cell phone, and along the way she finds chicken wings, a blunt, and a shiv made out of Jolly Ranchers. She finally finds a cell phone and nabs it. Piper shows Alex the stolen phone, but Alex has had her fill of organized crime. Piper is pissed that creating a panty cartel isn’t the turn-on she hoped it would be, and wants to know what happened to her sexy dangerous criminal girlfriend. Alex tells her to grow the fuck up.

or9 I’ve found the gayest shank in all of Litchfield!

Rumors are flying about Sophia, and her salon remains empty. Even Taystee ditched her to get a weave from her rival. Sophia calls everyone out for being transphobic, and admits that the worst part of being a woman is all the catty backstabbing drama. She’s not wrong.

Meanwhile, Daya is suffering back pain from being pregnant for three years. Maria is massaging her and helping her, because she gave birth in prison too. However, when she finds out that Daya is giving up the baby, she freaks the fuck out and screams at her. After all, she can’t even see her daughter, and Daya is willingly giving her own up? Poor Daya can’t get a break.

or10 That baby is gonna do WHAT to my vagina?!

The guards plan to have a union meeting, and Bell quotes Les Miserables because she just rented the movie. Luschek joins at the promise of $2 shots. Caputo calls Danny from the road and finds out that Danny is “handling shit” at Litchfield, namely firing Berdie. Way to go, ass clown.

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