“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.11): We can be heroes


“Finally, a Caputo episode!” – No One Ever.

In this episode, Orange is the New Black continues its quest to get us interested in the people that run the prison. Unfortunately, all those people are dicks, so no one cares. While I think the storyline of privatizing Litchfield is interesting and relevant, it pales in comparison to actual inmate drama. Guess what I don’t wanna watch on OITNB? A bitter white guy’s origin story. But it’s happening, so let’s roll with it.

or1 I’m sorry about this Caputo episode, so here is Fig in a bra.

We open with Caputo and Figueroa (hey girl) having vigorous doggy-style sex in Caputo’s bachelor pad. They are repulsed by each other, but can’t seem to stop fucking. Fig calls him out for being a “nice guy” who is really an angry and resentful douche. Accurate.

CO Ford, who has been leading the charge in guard issues, wants to form a union to go up against MCC. Angry that their hours and benefits have been slashed, the rest of the guards are interested. Caputo quickly shoots down the idea, and the guards accuse him of siding with MCC.

or2We gave up a Maritza episode for this shit?

Flashback: High school Caputo is a champion wrestler, and he’s taking one for the team by agreeing to wrestle a differently-abled student because it’s the kid’s dream. His coach lauds him as a hero, but when the kid slams Caputo into the ground, he realizes that his wrestling career is over.

Back at Litchfield, Flaca finds a union flyer in the trash and decides to start a panty union. One of the new guards mistakes Angie for another inmate with the same last name who is due to be released. Angie embraces the mistake and hugs Leanne goodbye as she tries to make a break for it. Meanwhile, Donaldson wonders why everyone’s calling him Admiral and Bell starts reading the Time Hump Chronicles.

or3Oh shit, free knock-off Converse?!

Alex apologizes to Lolly for attacking her in the bathroom, and Lolly agrees not to rat her out to the guards. This involves Alex playing into Lolly’s delusions by pretending she’s a double agent with the CIA. They reach a détente, and Lolly gets a free tube of Vagisil, so everybody wins!

or4The code word is “itchy tacos”

Big Boo hits up Tucky for some donuts when she notices that Tucky is rocking a bracelet and some bruises. Boo immediately understands what happened, but Tucky is so stuck in her mother’s mindset that she refuses to see what happened as an assault. She defends Donuts, basically saying she was asking for it. Oh girl, no.

Alex apologizes to Piper for her paranoia, and says she feels like she’s going crazy. She even attributes Piper and Stella’s shadiness to her paranoia, and Piper doesn’t try to correct her. Piper promises her she has nothing to worry about, but when they kiss we see her eyes remain open. Open eyed kissing is the beginning of the end, y’all.

or5 NOT feeling it

Word of Sophia’s attack on Gloria has spread, stirring up transphobia and resentment. Inmates start referring to Sophia as “it” and generally being terrible. Leanne trips Soso in the caf and poor Soso continues to feel alone. Piper finds out about Flaca’s union when the panty squad demands fair pay and new terms.

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