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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.04): Date night at the museum

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Mama Rizzoli tells Jane it’s OK to come out. Then Jane and Maura watch lesbian movies together. Oh, and they finally confirm who is the top and who is the bottom.

Jane is raiding Maura’s fridge in the morning. She gets really excited when she sees leftover fried chicken because she is a human person and human people love fried chicken. Mama Rizzoli comes in and tells her it’s rude to take food from people’s fridges without asking. Then they laugh and laugh and laugh because you’re allowed to steal whatever you want out of your girlfriend’s fridge whenever you want. Duh, Couple Rules.

Speaking of girlfriends, Maura walks in and finds Jane about to gorge herself on a delicious triglycerides sandwich. She tuts disapprovingly about proper breakfast nutrition, but quickly gives up because she knows no woman—not even a woman as perfect as Dr. Maura Isles—can come between Jane and crispy, crunchy chicken goodness. I mean, even she knows fried chicken is among the best cold breakfast foods around, surpassed only by pizza and leftover Chinese.

Jane inquires where the glorious morning feast comes from anyway—since she knows the one flaw of her otherwise perfect girlfriend is a decided lack of fried foods. Mama R confessed it came from a “new friend.” Immediately Jane goes into Det. Rizzoli mode and asks if it was a “man friend.” But Mama R surprises us all and says her secret chicken friend’s name is Joanne. Hold up, hold up. Is there another gay in the Rizzoli Village?

Jane and Maura immediately give Mama R’s fingernails a length check to confirm. But, alas, Joanne isn’t Mama R’s new LLBFF. She is the daughter of the man she is dating. Jane grills her on being so secretive about her private life and Mama R is like, “Hello, pot, have you met the kettle?” Maura agrees with her mother-in-law, but then realizes her inside thoughts accidentally became outside thoughts. Poor thing—always having to hold her tongue for Jane and that damn closet.

A stubborn Mama R refuses to tell them what her new man friend’s name is. She says she doesn’t want any interference in her personal life. Oh, hold on, I see what she’s doing here. If Jane wants to keep secrets, Mama R is going to keep secrets, too. Reverse psychology that shit and make her open up. Clever ploy, but will it work?

Yeah, probably not. Instead Jane wonders aloud if she should have her mother followed because that’s a good use of taxpayer money. Just kidding, all she cares about is that chicken drumstick. Maura looks at her girlfriend and smiles in spite of herself because that’s what you do when your girlfriend does something you disapprove of but is so cute you must forgive immediately. Their phones ring and it’s time for their signature synchronized “Rizzoli” and “Isles” greetings, this time with slightly greasy fingers.

On the way to the crime scene Jane continues making chicken jokes and Maura continues to give her a bemused look of love. Jane then tasks her girlfriend with snooping on her mother’s new boyfriend. Again, the things we do for our girlfriends.

So now that the important business is dealt with, the ladies turn their attention to this week’s murder of the week. A guy in a nice Italian suit has been shot and stuffed in a refrigerator. See, not all leftovers are worth stealing.

Back in the autopsy room Maura warns Jane that someone is here. OK, that’s a creepy thing to say while standing over a dead body, lady. Jane is done guessing the names of random people so she tells Maura to be more clear. Turns out a FBI agent is waiting in her office.

You know what that means, right? A jurisdictional pissing match! Normally I’d just tell them to whip out a ruler and be done with it. But, come on, we all know Jane’s will be bigger. The FBI guy can sense this so he tells her their murder victim is a notorious and high-priced, like $10 million a heist, thief from Europe.

Jane goes to see Maura, because that’s what Jane always does. But also because they think this theft involved a high-priced (like $10 million-plus high-priced) painting and Jane knows her girlfriend’s many areas of expertise include art. Jane asks Maura how many museums in the area would have such valuable work. Maura lists off several: Boston Museum of Fine Art, Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, Peabody. Hold up, Peabody like Helena Peabody? I mean, it makes sense. Of course Maura would know cultured, high-society power lesbians like Helena. Has this crossover been written yet? Make it happen, Internet.

Maura further proves her cultural expertise by recognizing the symmetrical oblong adhesive residue on the victim’s lapel as a sticker from the Boston Museum of Art. She tells Jane she would have recognized it too if she had gone on a date with her to a crime scene photography exhibit there, like she asked her to. See, ladies, there’s no wrong time to give your girlfriend a hard time about not doing what you want.

Jane and Korsak go to the BMA to talk with its curator but he is an uncooperative dick, which automatically puts him at the top of the suspect list. But everyone agrees his glasses are too thick and nebbish to make him a true contender. Also nothing has been reported stolen so it’s making this whole investigating a theft thing difficult.

Also difficult is the Dirty Robber’s plumbing problem. Korsak and Mama R have enlisted Frankie to fix the bad pipes. I’m not sure if being the son of a plumber automatically makes you an expert plumber. But, hey, gotta give the kids something embarrassing to do each episode.

Jane goes to see Maura again, because besides solving murders that’s her main job in life. The camera must be operated by Jane’s subconscious because, damn, did it slow-pan up Maura’s legs before she got there. Together they theorize about the non-existent art heist. Maura found specks of modern-day blue paint. So they think the thief slipped a forgery into the museum. But how will they find it if the curator isn’t cooperative. Well, you see, this is where it really pays off to have a rich, cultured girlfriend.

Oh, Maura, you clever girl. She got her date with Jane at the BMA after all. Maura and Jane go to the fundraiser all gussied up. I really wanted Jane to show up in a beautifully tailored tuxedo. But, alas, for the sake of being undercover or whatever she’s in a glamorous dress. But you can tell by the way she is steadying herself on Maura in a Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching way she’d much rather be wearing sensible pants.

The ladies use their date as a way to scope out potential forgeries. Maura gets caught up in the beauty of the Hudson River School pieces. Poor girl, she really does want to be on a romantic art date with Jane. But it gets interrupted by the FBI guy who is there and wearing a tux. Jane scowls at it scornfully. You know she’d also look better in one, too.

Just then Mama R calls and pretends to invite Jane to dinner with her new man friend, knowing full well she can’t make it. Jane calls her “deceptive” and “under-handed.” Mama R laughs and asks Jane how the view looks from the closet. Jane tells her it’s totally different. Mama R tells her to “keep telling yourself that.” Wow, Mama R is getting serious about this coming out stuff. Between Mama R’s pushing and Maura’s showing off the Rack of God in that dress, poor Jane doesn’t stand a chance.

Maura motions to Jane and tells her she has found the possible fake. The brushstrokes are halted and the framing is flabby. Jane asks Maura how sure she is on a scale of 1-10. Maura reluctantly agrees she’s better than 8 on it.

So Jane chugs her martini and asks Maura to go get her another one because she’s so, so thirsty. Maura does it, because that is what good girlfriends do. But before she can return with another cocktail Jane comes running up and tells her they’ve got to go.

Jane has used her plastic cocktail sword to scratch up a paint sample. So either she’s going to solve the case or be arrested for defacing a $10 million masterpiece. To avoid the later, Jane ladyhandles her stunned girlfriend out of the benefit.

Back in Subplot Plumbing, Frankie has made a real mess of the Dirty Robber. Susie and Nina arrive with a Shop-Vac, as requested. Frankie tells them the terrible job his father did on the pipes is making him question his entire childhood. Susie and Nina pull up some stools and grab the pretzels to watch. Hey, some people find men questioning their ability to lay pipe amusing. No judgment. Also, does anyone else ship it?

Korsak overhears Maura telling Jane the next day that the paint samples from the possibly fake painting match those from the body. He demands to know how they came across this paint sample. So Jane spins a long and imaginative tall tale about stumbling against the painting and grazing it ever so gently, while pretty much blaming her girlfriend for most of everything.

I hope that whole thing makes the official police report. Though, it will be hard—though not impossible—to accurately describe the look on Maura’s face through her rambling. Like, hey, I just wanted to go on a nice art date with my girlfriend. Leave me out of this.

So the detectives return to the museum—though don’t ask me how since the paint samples were clearly not legally obtained—and have the forgery removed. The curator is considerably more cooperative now that his $20 million painting is missing.

The detectives go to interview the painting’s anonymous donor, the wife of the state secretary of public safety. The piece has been in her family for generations, but she has some relatively plausible excuses for why they lent it out. She implies some aggressive art broker may have been involved in the heist. But something seems off. Like, when someone appears to have all the answers and conveniently points you in another direction off. Yeah, I don’t buy it.

Jane decides to finally ask the FBI guy for help. They theorize it could be either the forger or an art broker behind the heist. He also tells them he has a schnauzer named Flearoy. This makes Maura, and everyone else, question his authority in anything. I mean, who names their dog that?

Meanwhile the Susie and Nina (Changiday? Holisue?), continue their budding romance as they try to puzzle out information about the forged painting and the forger. Susie’s art degree and Nina’s computer skills make them the perfect team and totally shippable.

Their discovery leads them to the forger, which leads them to his house, which leads them to a boat. I’m watching the clock this whole time because, damn, this case is taking a while. But it also doesn’t really make sense. The forger appears to have torched the $20 million painting and then killed himself. Case closed, time for our Big Gayzzoli Ending?

Still, I don’t know, something feels off. That was too easy. Painting gone. Murderer dead. Time to go home and feed Flearoy? It’s hinky—hinky, I tell you. And something tells me Jane and her Ponytail of Righteous Justice feel it, too.

But never mind because the gang has more pressing hinky matters to address. They’re all at the Dirty Robber waiting for Frankie to finally fix the plumbing. He flushes the toilet triumphantly, but Jane isn’t convinced. She presses him on his plumbing expertise and he breaks. He admits he called a professional.

Maura shakes her head at her girlfriend with a little smile. If I had a dollar every time Maura smiled her amused little smile at Jane, well, I just might be able to afford to steal and then burn a $20 million work of art. This particular smile says Maura has seen Jane successfully deploy her detective skills on friends and family one million times.

Sorry, make that one million and one. Because while talking with Korsak Mama R lets slip her new man’s name is Ron. I’m sorry, I can’t be the only one who snort-laughed at Jane jumping out and scaring Mama R after finding out, right? Right?

Jane spends the rest of the night trying to guess Ron’s last name. My personal pick is McDonald. And they all laugh and laugh and laugh. Look, I get it, the whole family—plus Korsak—are all comfortable being around Jane and Maura together now. So we’re getting more Big Famzzoli Endings now instead of just Big Gayzzoli Endings. But, if their almost museum date has taught us anything, it’s that couples need to take time for romance—even after six years together.

p.s. Did anyone else notice in the previews for next week that the evidence board looked suspiciously familiar? Told you it wasn’t over yet.

And now, on to your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. So, about that museum date…

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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