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“The Fosters” recap (3.5): Lesbian blogger community redux

Previously on The Fosters, Kat and Brandon got called to an all school meeting because Miss Norbury found the burn book and booted both of their conniving, bitchy asses out of the camp for good. Dana and Stuart came around for a highly uncomfortable dinner party with Stuart’s racist prick of a son. Jude, Connor, Callie, and Cole went to an LGBTQ prom and discussed labels and how they are/are not bullshit and also danced and kissed a little. Brandon blustered about how he doesn’t trust AJ, on account of the fact that his sneaky ways don’t come wrapped in a pretty package complete with boobs. Mariana told Mat to take his butt back on tour because she had sex with Wyatt and things are weird and also who drives nine hours for a booty call and calls it romance? Also, Lena still hasn’t told Stef about that time her boss made out with her face.

Callie wakes Brandon up by smacking him over the head and dropping a bucket of ice water on him. She needs his help and/or car keys, so he needs to put on some clothes and get moving.

Lena pops downstairs to make a cup of tea and finds that raccoons have gotten into the garbage. The doorbell rings and-surprise!-Stef hired a plumber without consulting Lena or her spreadsheet of quotes. Lena is super pissed because Stef didn’t tell her, which would sound a lot better coming from someone who is not keeping the secret that her boss kissed her full on the mouth.

While Stef does her penance for hiring a contractor by picking up the garbage, she finds a pregnancy test. Once she gets over her rage that cardboard was placed in the trash instead of the recycling, she puts on her deerstalker hat and starts pondering the possibilities.

Callie is running for the Mexico border with Brandon but won’t tell him why they are going. Rand McNally informs Callie that if they keep driving toward Mexico they will, in fact, end up there. Who needs Google maps when you have Brandon? We also learn that they replaced the Volvo with Alice Pieszecki’s Mini Cooper. Add that to The Chart.

Stef apologizes for the contractor and Lena tells her they need to go to therapy to learn how to talk and to listen to each other. Lena hasn’t felt heard in a long time, which is totally fair, but me thinks she feels a teensy bit guilty about the kissing/flirting with Monte. Stef thinks therapy is a terrible idea because that’s what Jenna and her wife did right before they broke up. That’s some terrible logic, Stef. Lena calls her out on it right before telling Stef that yes she has been sleeping with Mr. Nesbitt and is pregnant with an inflatable snowman. Pissed off Lena is pretty hilarious. We interrupt this argument to help the plumber whose head is stuck in the wall.

Lena saunters into Mariana’s room casual as a three piece suit and asks her how things are going with Mat-and where’s Callie? Mariana tells her Callie is at the “library,” while Lena counts the condoms in the condom bowl like Pam Fields counts pills. Mariana and Mat broke up for a hundred reasons, but also so he could hook up with other girls. Lena thinks this means Mariana had sex with Mat and she explains that hooking up means things other than sex. Lena is relieved. Now that this awkward mother-daughter moment is over, she really wants to know when Callie is going to be back.

AJ and Mike are visiting AJ’s grandmother who has dementia. AJ is nervous to see her, so Mike goes in with him. At first, Iris seems to recognize AJ but later asks how they met. It’s heartbreaking.

Callie and Brandon roll up to a beach and he is pissed because clearly they can go for a swim in San Diego. But Callie has a different plan-she wants to go hang gliding. If she convinces Brandon to jump off an actual cliff, I am all for this dumb ass plan. Brandon is mad that Callie isn’t in trouble. Maybe he gets off on being the white knight or whatever. Callie just needs some stories, you know? Some stories that don’t involve seven different foster homes, juvie, Girls United, saving a girl from a fire, putting her rapist away for good, running away with the hair model, smashing a dude’s car for being mean to her little brother, or making out with her idiot foster brother.

Back at the nursing home, Mike and AJ are leaving when Mike has the idea to check the guest register to see if AJ’s brother has been to visit grandma. Turns out he was there only two days ago.

Lena calls Callie’s phone but doesn’t leave a message because, “Hey, just checking if you’re knocked up?” is a little awkward on voicemail. She and Stef bicker over the best technique for extracting this information and the poor plumber walks through the argument.

Brandon looks over the release form and laughs about dying and how it will save him from all the women who are ruining his life. There’s Kat and Talia and-well, he doesn’t say Callie but bitches be crazy, right? Brandon is my worst fucking nightmare. How two brilliant, kind, empathetic feminists can produce this privileged asshole from the depths of some meninist reddit thread is beyond me.

Mike and AJ track a bunch of flowers Ty brought grandma and try to figure out if the florist has any helpful information. He says Ty was nice, but didn’t leave a calling card or anything. Mike assures AJ that it’s not all bad news because now they know Ty is alive and in the area. Mike gets called to a possible crime and responds that he’s on his way with a AJ the ride-along.

Back at home, Stef tells Mariana she better tell the truth or she’s going to the SHU. Mariana admits that Callie and Brandon went to Mexico and suddenly the moms imaginations are in overdrive. Is Callie going for an abortion? Is the baby Brandon’s? Mariana puts them out of their misery by admitting the test is hers. She didn’t have sex with Mat but she did have sex. Stef and Lena are like, “Are we the only ones not having sex around here?”

Mariana can’t believe they are giving her such a hard time when they buy condoms for her brothers. She says it’s a feminist issue, but Lena tells her that they had the same discussion with the boys and they just want to understand her choices. But Stef does her thing and Stef-ups the conversation. Mariana feels shamed and stomps off so Lena and Stef can fight some more and Oscar can wish he had taken a different plumbing job.

Callie and Brandon are about to back out of this whole hang gliding thing when the cops show up and they figure why not jump off a cliff to escape. It’s not exactly well thought out. They’re the type to end up sitting at a bus station waiting for Caputo to show up, frankly. They glide around long enough for the cops to make it down to their car. Whoopsie!

At the police call, Mike tells AJ to sit in the car while he and two other cops check out the house. AJ gets curious after Mike goes into the house and gets out of the car. When he walks toward the house he gets tackled from behind, shoved to the ground, yelled at, and handcuffed by a white cop. He won’t listen when AJ says he’s with Mike and only lets him up when Mike comes flying out of the house and says AJ is his foster son. The cop apologizes to Mike and gives the crappiest “sorry” to AJ after Mike tells him to apologize to the kid he just shoved through the turf.

Meanwhile, on a beach in Mexico, Callie and Brandon who have broken the law are standing up, unhandcuffed, unyelled at, and generally pretty comfy. They are in the midst of trying to talk themselves out of trouble on the strength of the money in Callie’s pocket and Brandon’s keyboard.

Stef and Lena walk into Mariana’s room and apologize. Stef didn’t want to shame Mariana but sometimes she can’t help stupid shit from flying out of her mouth. They channel Burt Hummel and talk about how sex is a big deal and that you should feel good about your choice to have it. Mariana doesn’t know how she can possibly tell Callie what she did. Stef, who knows a thing or 12 about mistakes, says in a family you apologize when you fuck up, and then you try hard not to make the same mistake again. Every parental heart-to-heart should end with a pile of mamas.

Brandon and Callie are waiting in the line at the border and Brandon actually asks Callie if she ever feels like the whole world is against her. Sometimes I wonder if they are actively trying to top Finn Hudson as the most punch-me-in-the-face awful character on television. Seriously, I have to wonder if Ryan Murphy consulted on this episode. Callie storms out of the car and, when Brandon chases after her, she launches into a veritable laundry list of every complaint we have ever had with Brandon. It’s the worst kind of meta commentary and as satisfying as it was to watch Callie tear him a new one I have never been more infuriated with this show. Scolding viewers for calling Brandon on his shit on a weekly basis and then turning around and having Callie voice all those same concerns to make it seem like you get it is gross. And, frankly, I expected more from this show. I was wrong.

At Mike’s, AJ flops on the couch and isn’t really in the mood to pick out what they are having for dinner. Mike tries to talk to him and AJ asks if he is going to teach him how to talk to cops? He doesn’t need that education because his grandmother explained everything he needs to do to stay alive in a world where cops look at him and think he’s dangerous just because he’s black. He’s tired of everyone looking at him and seeing nothing. Mike is on his side. He sees a smart, talented kid who needs someone on his side. Mike doesn’t want to live in a world where kids like AJ are thrown away and he’s going to do whatever he can to help.

Team numbnuts are trying to get through the border without passports so of course Brandon apologizes for blaming Callie. It’s just so much easier to blame everyone else and never take the consequences for your own actions. They walk in the house and Stef says “hola” which elicits a “THEY MADE ME TELL!” from Mariana. They will discuss “consequences” later, but for now Brandon has a birthday present waiting in the kitchen in the form of Tony.

Tony convinced his pianist to take Brandon on as a second composer. So, in a shocking turn of events, Brandon gets another chance. #ConsequenceFreeForever!

Oscar is packing up his tools in the backyard and asks Stef to pay him in full because when couples break up he never get paid. She tells him they aren’t breaking up and he nods at her like she’s a child and says, “Sure, right-all that fighting is just foreplay.” Up in the bathroom Stef tells Lena that she’s fine with counseling. If the plumber thinks it’s broken, maybe it’s time to get some help fixing it.

Downstairs, Callie shows AJ the video of the hang gliding and they clown on Brandon for being a wuss. AJ tells her to come knocking on his door next time she needs some adventure. She shuts him down until he isn’t her foster brother any more. Oh Callie, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but there are boys in the world who do not live in your house. The episode ends with AJ getting a call from his brother.

Next week it’s Callie’s birthday and Judicorn is back from out of town!

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode.

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