“The Fosters” recap (3.5): Lesbian blogger community redux

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Previously on The Fosters, Kat and Brandon got called to an all school meeting because Miss Norbury found the burn book and booted both of their conniving, bitchy asses out of the camp for good. Dana and Stuart came around for a highly uncomfortable dinner party with Stuart’s racist prick of a son. Jude, Connor, Callie, and Cole went to an LGBTQ prom and discussed labels and how they are/are not bullshit and also danced and kissed a little. Brandon blustered about how he doesn’t trust AJ, on account of the fact that his sneaky ways don’t come wrapped in a pretty package complete with boobs. Mariana told Mat to take his butt back on tour because she had sex with Wyatt and things are weird and also who drives nine hours for a booty call and calls it romance? Also, Lena still hasn’t told Stef about that time her boss made out with her face.

Callie wakes Brandon up by smacking him over the head and dropping a bucket of ice water on him. She needs his help and/or car keys, so he needs to put on some clothes and get moving.

Fosters 3.051Put some pants on—we need to talk about Radley. 

Lena pops downstairs to make a cup of tea and finds that raccoons have gotten into the garbage. The doorbell rings and—surprise!—Stef hired a plumber without consulting Lena or her spreadsheet of quotes. Lena is super pissed because Stef didn’t tell her, which would sound a lot better coming from someone who is not keeping the secret that her boss kissed her full on the mouth. 

Fosters 3052You ship Sara and Emily? How dare you! 

While Stef does her penance for hiring a contractor by picking up the garbage, she finds a pregnancy test. Once she gets over her rage that cardboard was placed in the trash instead of the recycling, she puts on her deerstalker hat and starts pondering the possibilities.

Callie is running for the Mexico border with Brandon but won’t tell him why they are going. Rand McNally informs Callie that if they keep driving toward Mexico they will, in fact, end up there. Who needs Google maps when you have Brandon? We also learn that they replaced the Volvo with Alice Pieszecki’s Mini Cooper. Add that to The Chart.

Fosters 3053YOU LIKED “SKINS FIRE”!!!

Stef apologizes for the contractor and Lena tells her they need to go to therapy to learn how to talk and to listen to each other. Lena hasn’t felt heard in a long time, which is totally fair, but me thinks she feels a teensy bit guilty about the kissing/flirting with Monte. Stef thinks therapy is a terrible idea because that’s what Jenna and her wife did right before they broke up. That’s some terrible logic, Stef. Lena calls her out on it right before telling Stef that yes she has been sleeping with Mr. Nesbitt and is pregnant with an inflatable snowman. Pissed off Lena is pretty hilarious. We interrupt this argument to help the plumber whose head is stuck in the wall. 

Lena saunters into Mariana’s room casual as a three piece suit and asks her how things are going with Mat—and where’s Callie? Mariana tells her Callie is at the “library,” while Lena counts the condoms in the condom bowl like Pam Fields counts pills. Mariana and Mat broke up for a hundred reasons, but also so he could hook up with other girls. Lena thinks this means Mariana had sex with Mat and she explains that hooking up means things other than sex. Lena is relieved. Now that this awkward mother-daughter moment is over, she really wants to know when Callie is going to be back.

Fosters 3054Oh my god! You can’t just ask someone if they are having sex!