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“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.9): Where My Dreidel At?

We open with Piper’s panty operation hard at work. Inmates are wearing them, and Gerber is smuggling them out. Business is booming. Meanwhile, Stella and Piper continue eye-fucking each other in Pantyland.

Suzanne is flooded with fans who love The Time Hump Chronicles and she finally feels appreciated. After getting so fucked over by Vee last season, I like seeing a fun, happy storyline for Suzanne. Danny brings in a rent-a-rabbi to suss out the kosher meal sitch, even though Caputo warns that he’s fucking with the inmates’ civil liberties. Danny is so dumb he doesn’t even catch the “big brother” digs that Caputo slings at him.

In the chapel, Norma is bestowing her blessings on her loyal followers, when the chaplain shows up and tells her to congregate elsewhere. Leanne is upset because she feels they have a right the chapel, but when the chaplain presses her to describe her new faith, she becomes quite articulate.

Flashbackland: This week we delve into the back story of Leanne, and it’s a good one. Leanne hangs out with some white trash kids beside a camp fire, selling meth and partying her face off. As the sun rises, Leanne stashes her backpack of drugs and money in a corn field, and walks into an Amish village. She starts speaking to her mother in German, telling her that she’s come home. Leanne is home from Rumspringa y’all, and she’s ready to get her bonnet on.

A depressed Red plays cards with Blanca while the kitchen crew, as she lovingly puts it, “milks the shit sacks.” Sophia swoops in on her Huffy bike and yells at Gloria about her son. Apparently the boys beat up a kid and sent him to the hospital, and Sophia assumes it’s all Bennie’s influence. She rescinds her ride share offer, and Gloria is furious.

While some inmates watch the Judy King trial, Leanne and the Normans (that’s what I’m calling them now) discuss ground rules and commandments. Poussey and Soso are drawn a belief system without structure, but Leanne insists that there must be rules for them to be taken seriously. Sounds great: nothing bad ever happens when you have a random group of folks translating what they think is the word of God. Vaya con Dios. Soso and Leanne get into a fight, which leads to Leanne kicking her out.

Flashback: Leanne, now in full traditional garb, gets baptized in the church. She gives a little speech about how freeing she finds the Amish community, and everyone looks on proudly. Her moment is shattered however, when the cops find her back pack and arrest her.

In the cafeteria, Suzanne’s fangirls bring her dessert and ask about “her process.” She is inundated with requests to include more sex, and admits that she based Admiral Rodcocker on CO Donaldson. In a great running joke, Red pops up and tells the table that she had nothing to do with the food quality.

Meanwhile, Alex is still sweating Lolly, so she invites her to have lunch with them. Lolly’s vague and evasive when asked personal questions, and quickly scuttles out of there. She doesn’t even blink at Yoga Jones’s mandala speech.

Fake Jewish montage! We see everyone trying to bust out their best Jewish trivia, from bagels to Barbara to Black Cindy’s performance of the opening act of Annie Hall. Oy vey.

In the kitchen, Gloria is still angry that Sophia kicked Bennie out of her prison carpool. Aleida chimes in with some derogatory slurs, because she is the worst. She’s like a female Healy, just walking around crushing souls. Gloria considers apologizing, but Aleida remains the devil on her shoulder.

At the gathering of the Normans, Leanne laments that they have no way to signify their faith, like an arm band or a haircut or a secret handshake. Poussey calls that stuff out as exclusionary, like how Leanne excluded Soso from the group. Norma angrily passes her a note that says “kindness.”

Flashback! Leanne is back in her street clothes, only this time she’s wearing a wire for the police. She begs them to let her return to her family, but they want to bust a drug ring first. Leanne rejoins the fire circle and tries to score some crank from her friends.

Piper runs into a buck naked Stella in the bathroom. Stella compliments her on her panty business, while Piper tries to keep her eyes off Stella’s business. And by business I mean vagina. Okay, it’s episode 9, and while Ruby Rose is a beautiful person, they’re kind of doing nothing with her character. I don’t know if it’s an acting thing or a writing thing, but Stella isn’t working for me. She continues to flirt with Piper and I continue not to care.

Alex is doing groundwork with Lolly, who trips and falls into the shed. She accidentally breaks a window, and Alex goes to get help, but when she returns she notices that a big chunk of glass is missing. Uh oh.Leanne tries to mend fences with Soso, where she apologizes for being such a tyro. She opens up about losing herself when she lost her faith, and admits she desperately needs to belong to something. Soso doesn’t hear any of this, because she’s too busy giggling over the idea of Leanne in a bonnet. After getting made fun of by Soso (and Chang) Leanne calls Soso a racial slur and storms out. #Apologyfail

The Amish village is having a party (aka cake outdoors) but is now shunning Leanne for getting their kids arrested. Her mom tries to comfort her, but Leanne sees her family suffering and going broke, so she runs off. Tucky and Donut continue to flirt with each other, but Tucky wants him to tone down the friendliness before people get suspicious. They play at being strict, but it’s barely believable.

The kosher crew is commiserating over being kicked out of the faith. Apparently the only person that passed was Sister Ingalls. Black Cindy resolves to convert for real and sets about becoming Jewish. Meanwhile, Maureen is flirting with Suzanne. She starts coming on strong and scares Suzanne off.

Piper meets with Cal and he tells her that they sold out the panty stock. He urges her to recruit more bodies, and he even brings some reviews to share. Piper latches onto the bad reviews about the packaging of the product, and starts spinning out. Reality check: you’re selling used panties, not Lush bath bombs. Take it down a notch, Pipes. Sophia meets with her son, who tells her that he beat up a kid because he was gay (UGH) and that Bennie ran away and had nothing to do with it. Sophia realizes that it’s Michael who is the bad kid and not Bennie. Oops.

Donuts and Tucky are back at the duck pond, feeding the ducks and goofing around. Things take a sinister turn when Donuts forces her to play fetch with old donuts and treats her like a dog. He then pins her against a tree and shoves his tongue down her throat. It’s rapey and gross.

Leanne lies to Norma about the Soso apology and tells her that Soso didn’t want to return to the fold. Soso remains friendless and depressed. Gloria slaps some sense into Red and tells her to get over her kitchen depression and stop apologizing for the shitty food. Sophia shows up to apologize to Gloria, but chickens out at the last minute.

Alex sneaks into Lolly’s cube and finds her notebook chronicling Alex’s schedule. Paranoia validated! Piper complains about her bad review and Alex drama to Stella, who is all too eager to listen. They talk about recruiting more girls, which leads to flirting which leads to them kissing. Stella makes it clear that she wants in on Piper, and Piper kisses her again.

That’s it! I know everyone loves to bag on Piper, and I totally get it. She’s self-absorbed and entitled and oftentimes the worst. But I always liked her. Maybe it’s because she’s the most nuanced bisexual (in action if not in self-identification) character to ever grace television. Maybe it’s because, as an entitled white girl myself, I relate to her probs. When she cheated on Larry with Alex, I understood it. Based on their circumstances and their history, I buy the motivation. Cheating is wrong, but the show did a great job of showing us why Piper would reunite with Alex.

However, this business with Stella is some bullshit. Piper deliberately ratted out Alex to her probation officer to get her back in prison. She stole Alex’s freedom because she wanted her and (in her misguided way) loved her. So for her to do ALL THAT, only to turn around and suck face with Stella is the dickest of all dick moves. Congratulations Chapman, you lost me. I feel like my feelings can best be summed up in the following GIF:

What did you think of episode 9? How many times did you rewind the Ruby Rose bathroom scene? Tweet me @Chelseaprocrast. I promise not to judge.

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