“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.9): Where My Dreidel At?

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We open with Piper’s panty operation hard at work. Inmates are wearing them, and Gerber is smuggling them out. Business is booming. Meanwhile, Stella and Piper continue eye-fucking each other in Pantyland.

Suzanne is flooded with fans who love The Time Hump Chronicles and she finally feels appreciated. After getting so fucked over by Vee last season, I like seeing a fun, happy storyline for Suzanne. Danny brings in a rent-a-rabbi to suss out the kosher meal sitch, even though Caputo warns that he’s fucking with the inmates’ civil liberties. Danny is so dumb he doesn’t even catch the “big brother” digs that Caputo slings at him.

or1Moves like Rodcocker

In the chapel, Norma is bestowing her blessings on her loyal followers, when the chaplain shows up and tells her to congregate elsewhere. Leanne is upset because she feels they have a right the chapel, but when the chaplain presses her to describe her new faith, she becomes quite articulate.

or2Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by Regina George

Flashbackland: This week we delve into the back story of Leanne, and it’s a good one. Leanne hangs out with some white trash kids beside a camp fire, selling meth and partying her face off. As the sun rises, Leanne stashes her backpack of drugs and money in a corn field, and walks into an Amish village. She starts speaking to her mother in German, telling her that she’s come home. Leanne is home from Rumspringa y’all, and she’s ready to get her bonnet on.

or3 Meth-nuts roasting on an open fire

A depressed Red plays cards with Blanca while the kitchen crew, as she lovingly puts it, “milks the shit sacks.” Sophia swoops in on her Huffy bike and yells at Gloria about her son. Apparently the boys beat up a kid and sent him to the hospital, and Sophia assumes it’s all Bennie’s influence. She rescinds her ride share offer, and Gloria is furious.

or4 By all means, please keep talking shit while I wield this knife

While some inmates watch the Judy King trial, Leanne and the Normans (that’s what I’m calling them now) discuss ground rules and commandments. Poussey and Soso are drawn a belief system without structure, but Leanne insists that there must be rules for them to be taken seriously. Sounds great: nothing bad ever happens when you have a random group of folks translating what they think is the word of God. Vaya con Dios. Soso and Leanne get into a fight, which leads to Leanne kicking her out.    

or5 Do you guys prefer PouSoso or SoSsey? We just want to get a handle on our portmanteau

Flashback: Leanne, now in full traditional garb, gets baptized in the church. She gives a little speech about how freeing she finds the Amish community, and everyone looks on proudly. Her moment is shattered however, when the cops find her back pack and arrest her.

or6Check out this guy behind me. I mean, bowl cut AND crazy beard? Choose one, bro!

In the cafeteria, Suzanne’s fangirls bring her dessert and ask about “her process.” She is inundated with requests to include more sex, and admits that she based Admiral Rodcocker on CO Donaldson. In a great running joke, Red pops up and tells the table that she had nothing to do with the food quality.