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“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.8): Fear and other smells

We open in the Litchfield kitchen, where a depressed Red watches as her crew empties large bags of factory food. It’s gross, and everyone’s upset about the new cuisine developments, except for Black Cindy, who is into kosher meals now more than ever. I like that she’s telling everyone to have a nagila, because that is not a thing. Piper sees DeMarco using Ramen spice packets to flavor her food, and she gets an idea. Meanwhile, Norma is leading her own silent table in prayer.

Officer Donuts meets Pennsatucky, and she quickly sizes up that he has no idea what he’s doing. She tells him she’ll walk him through the guard basics, and he seems grateful. Alex catches Lolly snooping in her bunk, and tells her to fuck off. This launches an Alex Vause flashback…yes, she got her own flashbacks in Season 1, but this episode aims to show more of Alex’s life post-Piper and lays the groundwork for her increasing paranoia.

Flashback to Alex’s mom’s funeral, a sad, sparsely attended affair with an impersonal priest giving the eulogy. Alex is grieving, lonely, and freshly dumped by Piper, so she’s especially vulnerable. Fahri, the man who recruited her into the drug cartel, shows up to pay his respects and comfort Alex. He offers to take her back to Paris…and he offers her some coke. Alex accepts both.

Back at Litchfield, Sophia is on the phone with her wife, complaining about the new guards’ offensive questions about her body. Her wife tells her that Michael is copping an attitude, cursing, and bringing girls home. She then calls out Sophia for giving him the bogus advice on “practicing on insecure girls,” which is well deserved, but Sophia is eager to blame Bennie instead of looking inwards.

Piper has amassed a monopoly on Ramen, which she will use to pay her panty squad. Alex is excited about her business skills, but still hasn’t recruited Gerber to be their panty mule. Besides, she’s a bit distracted that Lolly is all up in her shit. Piper tells her she’s being paranoid, and urges her to use the promise of sex to flip Gerber. Worst case scenario, she ends up giving him a handie. Alex is not amused.

We flashback to Paris, where Alex is high as fuck and partying with Fahri’s crew. He leaves to go pick up a mule at the airport, but Alex convinces him to stay and get high and dance instead. He agrees and they have a trippy dance sequence, complete with slo-mo camera and heavy breathing. This sequence came off as kind of cheesy for me; a little too after school special. After partying, Fahri checks his phone and finds out the mule has been arrested. Uh oh.

Suzanne’s literary opus, the Time Hump Chronicles (THC) is blowing up, and inmates keep dropping by her cube to demand new chapters/give criticism. Poussey keeps popping up over their shared cube wall like a deranged Whack-a-Mole, while Black Cindy would very much like the return of Vaseline Man. Suzanne can’t work with these interruptions, and tells everyone to leave her alone.

Big Boo is trying to explain the game of chess to Morello, and it’s not going well. Chapman rolls up and delivers a masterful monologue, part Glengarry Glen Ross part Henry V. She calls on her fellow inmates to join her panty squad, and live free through their mail-order panties. I’ve watched this scene, like, four times now, and it just gets funnier and funnier. That girl knows how to spin a web of bullshit. She even climbs the table and stands triumphantly, until Donaldson tells her to calm the fuck down. Gina says, “You had me at flavor packets” and with that, Piper recruits her first members.

Soso visits Healy and tells him she’s depressed. He’s quick to give her meds and tells her that depression is just in her head, which is really fucking useful. Ugh, he is the worst. She wants to switch counselors and be under Berdie’s care, but he refuses to let her.

Meanwhile, Daya is drawing cartoons of Bennett getting eaten by squa-coons. Aleida stops by to pressure her into giving up her baby to Delia, but Daya is still unsure. Aleida tells her to stop being a selfish bitch and do what’s right for the child, because she is also the worst. Seriously, poor Daya.

Danny confronts Caputo about the recent spike in kosher meals, and Caputo tells him that they can’t force people to prove their religion, because civil liberties. Caputo is pissed that Danny inundates him with budget cuts but no expenditures, such as books for the library or additional guard training. Danny promises to bring it up at the board meeting, but Caputo remains unimpressed with his corporate double-speak.

Pennsatucky is driving the van with Donuts, and he is surprised that prisoners are allowed to drive. They pull into the donut parking lot so he can pick up his check, and Tucky gives him shit for leaving her in the van unattended. I love that she’s legit training him in his job, and she’s doing a better job than a real CO. Taryn Manning is killing it this season.

Over in Pantyland, Piper flirts up a storm with Gerber to recruit him as the panty mule. Stella catches on to her plot, and also asks if Alex is her partner in crime/finger-banging. Speaking of, Alex is knee deep in dirt, where Lolly is trying to poke her with a poison ivy branch (that’s not really poison ivy). Alex is annoyed by Lolly’s presence and creeped out.

Flashback! Alex and Fahri are holed up in a hotel room, trying to hide from Kubra. Fahri fears for his life, and Alex tries to calm him down. Room service gets delivered, along with a note for one of the thugs, who pulls out a gun and shoots Fahri in the head. He then points the gun at a terrified Alex.

Donuts and Tucky are nomming on some baked goods and arguing over the maple log mascot of the shop. They argue over the morality of donuts selling donuts/eating themselves, and it’s hilarious. Tucky tells him that technically they shouldn’t have stopped for a break, which of course leads to them feeding day-old donuts to ducks in a pond and quacking and throwing donuts at each other.

Danny attends the MCC board meeting, which is full of suits who are only interested in reducing profits. Danny brings up their “Jewish problem” which is NOT the best phrase to use, and a co-worker chimes in with a Holocaust joke that leads to her firing. Turns out that the head of the board is Danny’s dad, and now we know how this dum-dum got the job. Mr. Pierson tells his son that their boss only cares about this quarter’s profits, so he needs to shut up about the prisoners. The prison industrial complex, hard at work.

Delia visits Daya, and they talk about the future of the baby. When Daya finds out that Aleida is getting money out of the deal, she freaks out and refuses to lie for money. She tells Delia that the baby isn’t Pornstache’s, and she apologizes. A heartbroken Delia thanks her for her honesty and leaves.

Sophia apologizes to Gloria for calling Bennie a bad influence. They commiserate over being unable to raise their kids, and worry that the boys are heading down the wrong path. Suzanne gives Poussey the latest chapter of THC, and warns her that she is but a lowly instrument of the muses.

Red storms into Healy’s office, heartbroken over the new food sitch. Healy tells her there’s nothing he can do, and she throws her jacket on the floor and storms out. Berdie catches him smelling her jacket (gross) and tries to convince him to give her Soso as a counselee. Healy is condescending and insulting, despite getting totally schooled by Berdie. He tosses her Soso’s file, so I think we can call this one a win.

Taystee finds Poussey in the stairwell, drunk off her ass and crying over the outcome of THC. Taystee tries to convince her to pull herself together, but Poussey is lonely and desperate for someone to love in a way that Taystee just can’t fulfill. Poussey admits she needs help, and Taystee helps carry her out of the stairwell. Later, she sees Poussey sitting with Norma’s circle.

Danny returns to the prison, looking for Caputo, who leaves early for band practice. Danny calls him and tries to assert himself and play the big boss man. Caputo needs to blow off some steam, so he jams out with Side Boob and sings about Danny being the fucking warden.

Piper and Alex are playing cards while Piper brags about recruiting Gerber. Alex is distracted because she’s in a staring contest with Lolly, so Piper decides to break the tension and confront her. Lolly says she’s only staring because Alex is staring at her, and Alex admits that she’s just being paranoid.

Flashback: Alex is dragged before Kubra, who is big and intimidating. He calls Alex out for not being focused, and sends her to rehab to dry out. He tells her he’s a forgiving man, but reminds her that he has a lot of friends. This is not a man to fuck around with.

Maureen is jilling off to the latest THC, and recommends it to her cube-mate Lolly. Girl, get a room…with yourself. Lolly tells her she doesn’t mind waiting, and we see that she is keeping a detailed journal of Alex’s schedule and movements. DUN DUN DUN!

What did you think of episode 8? Share your thoughts with me @Chelseaprocrast

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