“Newlyweds: The First Year” recap (2.9): Hurry up and weight


The title of this week’s Newlyweds episode is “Hurry Up and Weight,” but it should have been called “Hurry Up and Kill Me.” Somehow, the show managed to reach a whole new level of boring. Newlyweds is totally succeeding if the goal was to prove, once and for all, that married people aren’t fun to watch.

As the season comes to an end, I find myself reflecting on what happened–or rather, what didn’t happen. The most interesting part of the show was the footage of the actual weddings, which was way back in the pilot episode. The honeymoons were mildly entertaining–but only mildly–and after they were over, Newlyweds proceeded to take us on a winding road into a whole bunch of stuff that we never, ever wanted to see, like couples taking baths, giving each other massages, shaving each other’s hair, talking about pimples, whining about babies ad nauseam, and who knows what other gnarly details I may have blocked out of my poor, traumatized mind.

manscaping  My eyes!

zits Marriage = talking about zits on TV.

I know it’s reality TV, but one has to stop and wonder why women are filming themselves in their cluttered bathrooms, doesn’t one? I mean, what’s the point? Can’t they at least scream at each other for no reason and then threaten a lawsuit like on Real Housewives?

Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 2.37.28 PM Just a whole lot of self-taping happening in bathrooms.

Sam and Laura are the ray of sunshine in this dark pit of relationship boredom. I like them, you like them, we all like them. Of course, we are all biased lesbians, but whatever. I think the key to Sam and Laura’s success on the show is that they keep the selfie cam out of the bathroom. And if they are sometimes boring, who can blame them? They are just trying to live their lives, and it’s not their fault that this camera crew won’t stop following them to one hundred lunches with their dads.

In this week’s episode, Laura reads an essay she wrote about an accident in which she lost her ear. It’s a great read, and you can find it on BuzzFeed. She overcomes her stage fright, and her mom laughs a lot. Sam is very proud.

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Next, Sam and Laura get in the…you guessed it! Car. Where they have all of their best conversations. In the car, they talk about…you guessed it! Babies.

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And where are Sam and Laura going in the car? Ding ding ding! You win again. It’s lunch with a dad!

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At lunch, they talk about how great Laura was at the reading. They drink some wine and martinis, because that’s how they roll. Laura and Sam talk about how they want to circumcise their future male child. They want to have a bristening–combining a christening with a briss. Because they are Jewish and Christian. Fun! 

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That’s basically all that happens this week. Oh wait, sorry–I know you read this in hopes of a good Pomeranian screenshot. Sadly, there was only one brief mention of the Poms this week, but here you go.

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