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Maria Bello has written a great new book about loving without labels

Maria Bello had a very different kind of coming out from most public figures. Last year, the actress penned a piece for The New York Times’ Modern Love column where she wrote about having a “modern family,” including her son, his father (who she’s no longer romantically involved with) and her female partner, Clare. Maria knew that sharing she was dating a woman would make headlines, but she wanted to control her own story, saying she didn’t find herself identifying as a lesbian or bisexual or anything really. She found herself more of a “whatever.”

While some outlets placed labels on Maria after the column was published, she eschewed them all in favor of her “whatever” identity. But in her new book Whatever…Love is Love, Maria opens up conversations about the different labels that pertain to her (feminist, mother, actress, humanitarian, etc.). Maria doesn’t think labels are completely unnecessary-she just wants people to know they can find power in the labels they choose for themselves, and let others know those they are comfortable with.

“There are so, so many labels and traditional labels just don’t seem to capture the reality of who we are in our time,” Maria said. “I think there are so many more labels to explore and the LGBT community which I’m proud to be a part of-look where we were yesterday, in the Supreme Court. And the people rallying outside. I don’t know who they’re having sex with. Gay, bi-I don’t know. But at the same time, they are fighting for people to love who they love, and we’re on the verge of something incredible right now because of the LGBT community that we’re moving in this direction.”

Maria credits both her coming out column and the title of her book to her son, Jackson, who, after she told him about being involved with Clare said, “Whatever, mom. Love is love.”

“This younger generation-they seem to know so much more than I do, then my generation, I’ll tell you that,” Maria said. “They’re sort of leading the way. They don’t want any labels. That’s a big thing with millennials-they don’t want labels. It feels like our generation needed to put people in tiny little boxes.”

Maria said that she had a friend help her cut the original draft of Whatever down from 600 pages to 200, and that Clare tried to help edit, but Maria said it didn’t work so well.

“The truth is Clare’s not my best editor. Clare is a writer herself-an incredible, incredible writer. She has a book called African Moods that she’ll publish. It’s very poetic about her time growing up in Zimbabwe. And because she has a very distinct voice and so do I, sometimes she would edit my stuff and it wouldn’t quite sound like me.,” Maria said. “‘Uh, no, you can’t change it to that. That’s what I need to say!’ That’s what it might be like for most people who live together: One co-dependent mash-up.”

The love Clare and Maria have for one another was made obvious at Maria’s recent appearance at the L.A. Times Festival of Books. It was Maria’s birthday, and Clare led the crowd in singing to her love as she sat on the stage. Maria mentioned Clare, praising her, several times, and their relationship seems to be one of mutual support and admiration.

Clare and Maria

“She’s been so supportive of this process and she’s just so proud. She’s proud. She’s always a very private person so this whole thing for her has been quite a trip,” Maria said. “But I would say that about my entire family-my son who texted me yesterday who said ‘I saw you on The Today Show. Congrats Mom, I love you.’ I have a lot of support.”

Maria also tackles mental health in the book, including her father’s struggle with alcoholism and bipolar disorder. (Maria shares the latter.) But her strained relationship with him has changed with both of their personal growths and acceptance, which has made the process of telling a difficult story about their past better than Maria could imagine.

“We had some complications growing up between my father and I. But he was the first one who read the book, and liked it,” Maria said. “He came up and went to a celebration my friends threw for me for the launching of the book and he was like the king of the room. He’s thrilled.”

Maria with her father, Joe

Another story Maria tells in the book is of the legendary trans activist Marsha P. Johnson, who was involved in the Stonewall Riots and was tragically murdered in New York City in 1992.

“I knew her from the West Village-I lived on Christopher Street. I knew her from seeing her, I never had the pleasure of meeting her,” Maria said. “Then one day I was sitting by the Hudson River with my boyfriend at the time and I saw something floating in the river and, sadly, it was the body of Marsha P. Johnson. And the police at the time said it was a suicide and there was a big poster campaign in our neighborhood saying no it wasn’t-it was a gay bashing. Thankfully the New York Police Department opened up the case again 2012. I was very moved to tell her story.”

Maria feels kinship with Marsha, who she writes lovingly about in her book.

“When a judge asked her about her middle initial she said ‘Pay it no mind!” And I thought “Oh my god-she was a whatever too!'” Maria said. “I really believe in signs, as you read about in my book, the basis being love and one of them was Marsha. How do I tell her incredible story about what this amazing woman did? And so that’s what I will be doing next.”

Maria had plans to meet with the filmmakers behind an upcoming film dedicated to the activist, called Happy Birthday Marsha. The film, shooting in New York this summer, will be directed by writer and activist Reina Gossett and filmmaker Sasha Wortzel, and is being produced by Luisa Conlon.

Marsha P. Johnsonvia Tagg Magazine

“I just try to support however I can and see what [I] can do,” she said. “I can’t wait to hear more.”

Maria says that her story of being a “whatever” has allowed her to hear from all kinds of people who share the same kind of families-those who don’t fit the “traditional” mold.

Maria with her son in 2012

“That’s why I wrote the book in a series of questions because it was all about questioning the labels we give ourselves and others give us. It opens it up to a larger conversation, a conversation that people have been wanting to have,” Maria said. “Just yesterday I talked to a woman who said ‘Oh my god, you changed my life.’ She said, ‘I live with my ex-husband, he has a girlfriend who lives with us part time, and I’m with a woman romantically and we have two kids and two dogs that are like our children. We have a whatever family! They’re all my partner and that’s OK!’ And as long as that label shines light on who you are, nobody should give you any other label than that.”

Fans of Maria’s acting work will be happy to know she talks about the ups and downs of her career in Whatever, and that she’s still continuing with her career in between book tours and inevitable speaking gigs.

“Film people recognize me from A History of Violence or The Cooler,” Maria said of meeting fans. “And a lot of people know me from Coyote Ugly, which came out 13 years ago. But it was such an empowering movie for young women. I remember back then being on a talk show and someone challenging us and saying ‘Aren’t you uber-sexualizing young women? Isn’t it sexist?’ and my response was “This is about women who own their sexuality. They’re wearing these clothes because they want to.” They’re in charge of their own sexuality which resonated with so many women.”

Maria also said she just re-watched the film for the first time since the premiere.

“It’s a cult classic. I’m happy a got to be a part of that,” she said. “It definitely made me smile all over again. It’s a beautiful movie!”

Maria’s chapter on “Am I feminist?” is answered with a resounding “yes,” and she’s quick to point out that a lot of actresses who renounce feminism are feminists-they just don’t know it.

“It’s become a dirty word. Some women with platforms are standing up and saying ‘I’m definitely a feminist.’ Some are saying ‘I’m definitely not a feminist.’ Just the fact that they have a platform and can say whatever they want to say and not be afraid to say it-they’re feminists and they don’t even know it,” Maria said. “They don’t have to call it that-if you believe in equal rights between genders, you’re a feminist, guess what. Most of the people I know are feminists-including my son, including Michael Kimmel. It’s an energy, really, feminism. So take the label off if you want-don’t take it. Find a new label that feels better.”

Whatever Maria Bello is, she’s a great one.

Whatever….Love is Love is available now.

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