“Newlyweds: The First Year” recap (2.7): Nun the better


This week is all about sex for our favorite lesbian couple, Sam and Laura. Last week, they talked a little about how hard it is for two married women to keep their sex life going (since, unlike guys, we sometimes just don’t feel like it—or so I’ve heard. I dont’ know anything about guys.) and they went to a strip club to try to spice things up. Laura loved it, but Sam just didn’t find it sexy.

The two are still in Los Angeles on their couple getaway, so they kick things off with some candid sex talk on their hotel bed. Seems like they could say a lot more without talking, am I right? (Wink wink.) But they’re on a reality show, so they have to talk about everything.

sex talk

The dreaded words “lesbian bed death” come up, but Sam and Laura decide it’s something that happens to every couple. Sure, they used to wake up in the middle of the night and fuck, but that was when they were 20! Things change, people get older, and sleep becomes just as appealing as sex.

The couple decides to visit a legitimate sex healer named Michael (who does not seem very legitimate. He’s just a guy who has access to a yoga studio). Don’t worry; he doesn’t heal them with his body. He just asks them to sit down, close their eyes, and then he draws a bunch of stick figures of them and laughs.

sex healersex healer 2

Michael tells Sam that she is “juicy,” which is appalling to her. He tells Laura that her root chakra makes a line to Sam’s heart. No one knows what this means, including Michael. He says Laura feels neglected. He probably guesses who is feeling neglected in each session based on who booked the appointment. “Oh, this was booked under Laura’s name? I bet she’s feeling neglected.” Hey, I do believe in energy healing. I just don’t know about this Michael dude. And neither do Sam and Laura. Sam is really cool about knowing that Laura feels sexually deserted and says that she wants to do whatever possible to make her not feel that way. It’s very sweet.


Laura invites Sam to take her out for a fancy dinner, and says that if she plays her cards right, Sam will get to take her home. It’s cute. They get dressed up and go to a restaurant right near my apartment in L.A. (if only I had known and could have just casually showed up at the same time and joined their sexy date!), and proceed to do lots of shots and eat lots of Russian food. They laugh about Michael and it seems like they are finally getting the release and decompression that they need from their stressful lives. So maybe Michael did heal them by giving them a way to laugh about sex? Or maybe it’s just the vodka that’s doing the healing.

fancy dinner

The episode ends with a sneak peak of next week: Apparently one of the women finds out from the fertility doctor that she doesn’t have many eggs left. It looks like Sam and Laura are going to need to make a baby-related decision ASAP.

egg news


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