Have you guys been watching Banana and/or Cucumber? If not, here’s a (really, really oversimplified) recap: Cucumber centers around Henry Best, a middle-aged gay man who has just split with his boyfriend of nine years. Banana, meanwhile, is an anthology series that focuses on some of the younger, peripheral Cucumber characters. (Some spoilers below.)
If you’re looking for a light hearted queer comic romp, you probably don’t want to watch either of these shows. Yes, they’re well-made and both have their fair share of laughs, but damn. Shit gets dark, and in a hurry. One of the most likable characters from Cucumber, Dean, turns out to be a bit of an insufferable pathological liar in his episode of Banana. So it goes.
Anyway, episode two of Banana is all about Scotty, Dean’s adorable coworker and friend. The episode opens with Scotty describing a quick visit to the grocery store. She had only popped in to get a few things, but she ended up seeing the woman that she’s going to spend her “whole life with.” The woman ends up being a fairly average middle-aged lady, but Scotty is enamored. “She’s not your sort of beautiful, but I think she’s lovely,” she tells Dean.
Also, Scotty has been back to the grocery store at the same time each week (Tuesdays between 6:30 and 6:45) to see the woman for the past almost four months. Okay-I guess that could still be considered cute, right? It’s like going to the same coffee shop around the same time so you can make eyes at the cute barista, kind of.
It’s a new Tuesday and Scotty is back at the grocery store. This time, she sees her mystery lady get out of her car- what a stroke of luck! She peers into the car and sees the name “Y. Burgess” on an envelope. Okay, Scotty-we’re moving out of cute territory and into creepy now.
Back at Dean’s flat, Scotty wonders what the letters “HMRC” meant on the envelope she saw. Henry (who moved in with Dean after he broke up with his boyfriend) explains that it means she works for customs. He’s also just so exasperated by having to explain things to the kids.
Scotty goes to work at a call center, one of her many jobs. While her doofy supervisor introduces a ridiculous new break policy (instead of leaving to smoke, employees can just sit at their desk and put on a red cap so no one will bother them), Scotty uses the call center’s database to search out phone numbers for her Y. Burgess.
In front of a fairly sizable audience at Dean’s place, Scotty starts making the calls. She asks for either Yvonne, or sometimes Yvette, and finally hits the jackpot. She tells a man that it’s Scotty (“from customs”) but when he puts Yvonne on the phone, Scotty freezes and hangs up. Everyone laughs.
Later, Scotty goes to visit her mother, who has an undisclosed, long-term illness. Her mom is supportive of the crush, but tells her “not to be daft with this one.” Scotty’s face is serious, so we know this isn’t the first time she’s gotten wrapped up in obsessive behavior over women. Before she leaves, Scotty stashes a bunch of cash in a jar above the kitchen cabinets.
Okay, I’ve been willing to cut Scotty a lot of slack, but now thing have escalated to another level. She’s sitting in her work van outside of Yvonne’s house. She calls and hangs up the phone when someone answers, it’s like she’s 12 years old. This goes on for a while, weeks maybe? Scotty goes to work, she helps out around Dean’s flat, and she watches Yvonne’s house at night.
Things come to a head one night when a man approaches the van. He wants to know who she is and why she’s always sitting there. (Valid questions, bro.) He tells Scotty that she’s scaring his wife to death. Scotty, panicked, drives away without answering.
The next day at work, Yvonne and her husband show up in the parking lot as Scotty is getting out of the van. She rushes over to them, apologizing and begging them not to tell her boss. The three of them head inside to an office to chat about the situation. Yvonne’s husband tells Scotty that she’s been terrorizing them, and he wants to know what she’s after. Scotty finally tells Yvonne her reason: she thinks Yvonne’s the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen.
Both Yvonne and her husband are flabbergasted by that response-it’s really sad. Her husband goes on and on about how there’s no way his wife is beautiful enough to be stalked. She mutters a sarcastic, “Thanks,” but also agrees. You guys, this episode is making my heart hurt.
Scotty tells them about all the jobs that she works, and asks them not to get her fired. The couple clearly don’t see her as a threat anymore-they mostly just feel sorry for her-but neither of them believe her story. Scotty tells them about the first time she saw Yvonne, how she seemed so busy, but then let an old lady ahead of her in line. Scotty thinks Yvonne has the kindest eyes she’s ever seen. She knew that her crush would probably never go anywhere, she just liked being a little bit closer to Yvonne.
Yvonne’s husband sets some terms: Scotty can no longer go shopping on Tuesday evenings and they never want to see her again. Scotty agrees sadly and goes back to her life: she works her many jobs, she looks after her mother, she sees her friends, but she’s carrying a weight. One day (not a Tuesday, Scotty is quick to point out-she’s been following the rules), Yvonne is waiting for Scotty at the grocery store-she wants to finish their conversation. Yvonne tells her that she’s been thinking of what Scotty said since they met.
No one had ever called Yvonne beautiful before, and it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to her. Yvonne just wanted to thank her, because she cannot “return the gesture.” She mentions that she didn’t tell Gary, her husband, she was coming. Scotty wonders if that makes this like an affair, but Yvonne is quick to shut that notion down.
Yvonne is leaving her husband. She’s going to Toulouse, maybe, which Scotty doesn’t understand at first. She assumes Gary has been hitting Yvonne, but Yvonne assures her that’s not the case. She’s leaving because she wants to, because “when a nice girl tells you you’re beautiful, you should listen.” I agree, Yvonne!
Yvonne is excited, she can start a new life all thanks to Scotty. Scotty is still agitated and worried, so she offers Yvonne all of her saved money (Scotty has a thing for an older woman ). Almost 7,000 pounds. Yvonne is like, “Uh, why would you give me your money?” And Scotty, crying now, tells her that she should take it and be safe.
Yvonne takes Scotty’s hands, now fully taking on a motherly role, and tells her that she shouldn’t give away her money to anyone. “There will be a girl, an awful girl” she tells Scotty, but, no matter what, she shouldn’t give her money away. She knows Scotty has a lot of love, but no where for it to go. The scene is a little off-these characters got so familiar, so quickly-but the actresses carry it as best they can.
Yvonne leaves, and Scotty’s life marches on. She’s still saving up her money, she’s still working. One night at the call center, Yvonne’s husband shows up demanding to know what Scotty said to make his wife leave. He’s upset, obviously, and he starts yelling. Scotty’s co-workers immediately jump to her defense, all of them getting up and yelling right back at Gary.
Scotty just sits there, paralyzed. She puts on the red cap, and she watches everyone scream at one another. Finally, she starts to laugh, and turns her attention back to her computer where she’s pulled up Google street views of Toulouse.
What did you think of Scotty’s story? We’ll be recapping episodes of Cucumber/Banana when they feature queer women, so perhaps we’ll see Scotty again.
