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“The Returned” recap (1.4): Twin Theory

[Warning: this recap contains a pretty graphic image]

Previously on The Returned, Julie and Nikki used to have hot, masked makeout sessions, but then Julie got stabbed and Nikki gave her seven years worth of space. Lena is still weirded out by Camille’s return, and now has a gaping wound on her back that’s getting worse. Rowan figured out that her dead fiancé was not just a figment of her imagination, so they they kissed while Rowan’s new fiancé watched on the creepy surveillance system he installed in her house.

29 Years Ago

Once upon a time, Victor was just a regular, less-creepy kid who even sometimes spoke actual words other than “Victor.” His mom, who looks like lesbian Susan from Friends/Gretchen Schwartz from Breaking Bad (Maybe? IMDB is inconclusive.), reads him a bedtime story and tucks him in before getting murdered. Victor runs to hide in the closet and one of the intruders tries to protect him, telling him to stay put and be quiet. He tells Victor to just sing a song in his head and they’ll be gone soon. The other guy enters the bedroom and, ignoring his partners pleas that “he’s just a kid,” shoots Victor right through the closet door.

Present Day

Returned Victor keeps upping the creep scale, this time he gets into Julie’s bed while she’s asleep and kisses her head. Hearing a scream, Julie goes out in the hall to check things out and her annoying neighbor is super, super dead.

Victor followed Julie and he’s just standing there looking at the neighbor. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that he’s responsible for the murder.

Elsewhere in town, Rowan’s kid thinks there are monsters in the attic, but Rowan is like, “Shh honey, that’s just mommy’s dead lover who came back to life. Or mice. Who can tell, really?” Rowan’s kid accepts that explanation and goes to school. Tommy, who btw knows that A) Simon came back to life and B) he’s totally banging Rowan, goes, “You look stressed. Should we postpone the wedding? I feel like you’re keeping something from me.” Rowan does a pretty bad job of lying, but Tommy leaves to go do cop things.

Rowan heads up to the attic as soon as Tommy leaves and is practically bombarded by a shirtless Simon. Deadboy has zero chill and is unbuckling his pants in about three seconds flat. Rowan is like, “IDK how they do it in the afterlife, but here on Earth women like foreplay, so slow your roll.” Simon decides that if he can’t bang Rowan, he will chow down on some food. Okay, the Returned are always hungry I GET IT, I PROMISE, STAAAAHHHP.

Camille is eating breakfast and looking at her old Facebook page like, “OMG all these people missed me so much, I’m so great,” when her mom drops the bomb that they might move to a town where everyone doesn’t know she’s dead. Camille does not want to move. Upstairs, Lena is looking real rough, that gash on her back is worse, and she tumbles right down the stairs.

They bring Lena to the hospital, which is the place they SHOULD HAVE brought Camille as soon as she Returned. Lena thinks it’s not at all a coincidence that her wound appeared right after Camille came back, but their mom obviously loves Camille more so she’s like, “Lena, you shut your dirty whore mouth.”

Nikki is back at Julie’s apartment investigating the neighbor’s murder, and Julie wants to know if the killer is the same guy who attacked Lucy (aka the same guy that attacked her seven years ago). Nikki doesn’t know yet. All of a sudden, the lights flicker in the bathroom, so Victor gets scared and runs out to hug Julie. Nikki is like, “Uh wtf? Did you have a kid while I was away?” Julie explains that she found him, and Nikki is properly horrified by the situation. Julie goes, “You just mind your beeswax and keep giving me space.” Nikki’s like, “No can do-sville, babydoll,” and then she leaves.

Tommy is at the police station questioning Jack about his relationship with Lucy. He puts on a terrible MRA routine, asking Jack, “That little bitch was conning you, right, brother? She totally deserved what she got, didn’t she? Women, amirite? Fuck them all.” Jack’s like, “Yeah, we were banging. And, yeah, she took my money. It sucks, but I didn’t kill her.”

Tommy leaves the interrogation room and thinks to himself, “Speaking of women and men doing terrible things to them, I wonder what my fiancée is up to right now? I’ll check on her through the cameras I hid around her house.” He finds her making sweet, sweet love to Deadboy and he’s very angry about that.

Admiral Cain, whose name on this show I can’t remember right now (Helen, maybe?), is cleaning up in the church basement when dirty water comes bubbling out from the drain again. The pastor finds her up in church and assumes she’s homeless and/or mentally ill. She wants to know why he lied and promised people an afterlife when he spoke at George’s funeral. She wants to know what happened to Lazarus after he was raised from the dead, did his sisters find him strange and unnatural? She doesn’t think Jesus should’ve restored Lazarus to life, and she doesn’t think she should’ve come back either.

Julie stumbles on some drawings Victor did. (That kid must be studying at the Rupert Giles School of Art.)

She confronts him about the gruesome pictures, but he just hides in the closet and doesn’t say anything.

In other child-related plots, Rowan’s daughter hears noises in the attic again so she tells her mom. Rowan comes back to check and the kid, for some reason, thinks the noises are coming from the smoke detector. Rowan takes it down and notices the camera. Ruh roh, Tommy.

Camille wants to know if Peter thinks she is hurting Lena. Peter tells her God is a totally chill bro and he probably wouldn’t do that. Camille is like, “Okay, well in that case, why does Lena hate me so much?” Peter thinks it’s survivor’s guilt, but I think it’s because Camille came back from the dead and is probably a zombie, and Lena is the only one with any sense.

Lena’s doctor tells her mom that the wound on her back looks like she was impaled on something, but, also, it’s spreading. That is like the worst combination of ailments I’ve ever heard. The doctor asks if there’s something she’s not telling him, and she looks straight into his doctor face and says, “No, I like the young zombie twin better anyway, so IDGAF if this old one dies.”

Back at Rowan’s house, Simon is telling Rowan that even though he’s a dead guy who came back to life, Tommy is way worse/weirder for installing cameras in the house. I’m on Simon’s side for this one. While they’re talking, their daughter, Chloe, comes up to the attic. Rowan introduces her to her father, but tells her that he’s an angel and she has to keep the secret. Simon tries to get Rowan and Chloe to leave with him, but Rowan thinks she owes it to Tommy to hear his explanation.

Peter tells Claire that Jack’s being questioned by the cops because he was banging Lucy, and he’s a suspect in her stabbing. Claire is pissed off that Peter is able to get that kind of confidential info, even though he obviously thinks he’s helping.

Julie finally realized that she is in way over her head with Victor, so she calls Nikki to come get him and take him away. He cries, but still says nothing. He picks up an old timey looking suitcase and leaves with Nikki.

Jack finally gets out of the police station and goes to meet Claire and the girls. Lena is getting worse, so the doctors want to transfer her to a larger hospital. Claire confronts Jack about money missing from Camille’s college fund. Jack is like, “I know how this looks, but she’s not a hooker. She was communicating with Camille for me, and we had to be having sex for it to work.” Claire is like, “Wow, I don’t know whether you’re a liar or a total fucking idiot. I know you didn’t kill her, but we’re not moving away together anymore.”

Over at St. Peter’s Home for the Wayward Returned (aka the community center), both Admiral Cain and Victor arrive. Admiral Cain looks at Victor like she knows him, and maybe she does. Who knows with this town, anymore.

Meanwhile, Tommy tries to explain to Rowan that the cameras were just there so she didn’t hurt herself again, he was just trying to keep her safe. He’s such a niceguy. He also tells her that Simon’s death wasn’t an accident, he stepped in front of a truck, but they didn’t want to tell Rowan that way back when. She is understandably like WTF BRO?!

Four Years Ago

A friend helps Lena and her boy (Hunter? Ben? IDK, some white teenage boy.) sneak into a funeral parlor to look at Camille’s dead body. Lena cries over her, hugs her, and apologizes because she thinks it’s her fault her sister is dead. While she has the body gathered up in her arms, she notices a gash on Camille’s back that looks exactly like the one on present-day Lena.

Present Day

Julie is looking through Victor’s drawings, and sees that he drew her as an angel. That’s kind of cute, I guess, but let’s not forget about the other drawings he did. The ones of cats eating the remains of her mutilated neighbor. Over at the community center, the lights go out and Victor is afraid. Peter comes in to tell him that it might help to sing a song in his head, that’s what he used to do. Ohhhh shit, Peter was one of the intruders the night Victor was killed! Sacrebleu!

What did you think of this weeks episode? Let me know here in the comments or on twitter @jennalykes.

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