Archive

“Newlyweds: The First Year” recap (2.3): Weight of the World

Well, the bad news is that Sam and Laura have another slow episode this week, with their activity limited to shopping for books, talking about finances, and taking a horse-drawn carriage through Central Park. The good news is that Sam and Laura are going on their honeymoon next week, and we will finally have something interesting to watch! Especially because they are millionaires, so their honeymoon is going to be amazing.

The other good news is that Laura and Sam are 100% the least annoying of the newlywed couples. All of the straight couples cannot stop talking about getting pregnant, taking pregnancy tests, and trying to lose weight. Boring!

We kick off in a bookstore, with Sam playfully asking Laura to open a book and using the first name she sees as her future baby name. Other than this weird game, Sam and Laura do not bring up babies again for the whole episode, which is a record for the Newlyweds show. While in the bookstore, Laura talks about her writing. Sam is supporting Laura’s writing dream right now by, you know, paying for everything.

Laura says she was voted “best writer” in her high school yearbook, which made her realize people enjoyed her work. Two quick questions: Where did she go to high school? I’ve definitely never heard of a “best writer” category. Second, is she the first person in history to take a high school yearbook superlative seriously? Hey, good for her. I never got a superlative, mostly because no one knew I existed (it’s fine, I’m over it).

We find out that Laura writes personal essays for a variety of websites, including Salon (oooh, ahhh, a screenshot of her article), and that most of the essays are about her relationship-with catchy titles like “I married my sorority sister.” Man, as a writer I’m really jealous that I was never in a sorority right now.

Laura is currently working on a memoir to be digitally published (is this code for self-published?), but she dreams of writing a “real book.” Sam guesses what her book would look like, even the texture of the pages (creamy and rough on the edges- possibly a metaphor for their love?). Sam guesses right, proving once again that they are a match made in heaven. Or in rush week.

Our next scene with Sam and Laura doesn’t happen for about 17 more hours. When we finally see them again, they are opening their mail. Just like they did last week. But it’s still fun and surprising-they have a new last name. And they get lots of mail. This week, their mail includes their brand new social security cards with their new last name of Abby.

Sam talks about how Laura can now share her credit card since they have the same last name. Both of their eyes grow wide with excitement and fear. They are millionaires, but they are also out-of-control spenders!

Speaking of out of control spending, Sam and Laura talk about how excited they are for their upcoming lavish honeymoon to Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand, while viewers rejoice that the couple will be doing something other than opening mail next week!

They talk briefly about what will happen if Sam dies. Basically, Laura will be homeless. Laura urges Sam to make a will or, at the very least, to not die on their honeymoon. I mean can you imagine if Sam fell off her elephant and Laura was trapped overseas without access to the family millions? Seriously terrifying. But might make for a good Salon article.

They continue to talk about financial stress. Sam says that her production company, Penny Lane Pictures, is risky and not so lucrative. She seems to be always nervous about becoming bankrupt. Their dogs are nervous, too.

So what is their biggest financial problem right now? It’s probably that they live in New York City. But according to Laura, it’s that “we go out to dinner like every freakin’ day with everybody.” Sam agrees: “It’s tough!” These two should try not having friends-you save a lot of money.

Sam tells Laura she needs to cut back on her spending, but Laura masterfully deflects this accusation onto Sam. “I never order out lunch,” she says. “That’s your problem.” But Sam only likes talking about finances when she gets to tell Laura to cut back (and I don’t blame her). “Stop pointing fingers!” Sam responds. The elephant in the room is that every cent spent by Laura belongs to Sam. So if Sam wants to order lunch, does Laura really get to tell her to stop? It’s confusing.

The episode ends with Laura surprising Sam with a horse carriage ride. Because they are cutting back on frivolous spending, remember? The carriage is pink, because they are girls. They hold hands in the chilly NYC winter and kiss and say they’ll never stop being romantic. Being freezing and smelling horse poop is the definition of romance. “She’s been spoiling me for years,” Laura says. “I want do to that for her.” Laura loves spoiling Sam with Sam’s money, apparently. I don’t know, let’s not worry about whose money it is until they run out or Sam dies.

My favorite thing about Sam and Laura so far is how Sam seems to only need her glasses for interviews. It’s pretty adorable. Also, I love everything about them. I can’t help it. They’re just cool and I wish they would take me out to dinner in NYC with their Pomeranians. Alas. Until next week…can’t wait for the big honeymoon.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button