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“The Returned” recap (1.3): Day of the Dead

Previously on The Returned, the twins had some sisterly bonding (aka Camille tore up Lena’s room and Lena wished Camille was still dead). Simon creeped on Rowan, who thought she was seeing/talking to her dead fiance’s spirit on account of her current impending nuptials. Julie continued to let a creepy little boy live in her house (minus points), but she did share a meaningful glance with Hot Cop Nikki (plus points).

This week’s episode opens the way all episodes of television should (in my opinion), with two very attractive women, wearing Dia de los Muertos costumes, making out.

Julie is on her way home to get some sleep before her shift, which is starting in a mere matter of hours, but Nikki is like, “OR, alternate plan here-no sleep! You can come with me, and then you can come with me. (Heyo!)” Julie kisses her, but leaves alone. I would’ve gone with Nikki’s plan, but I guess Julie is a doctor, so it’s probably pretty important to be alert at work and not kill anyone. As Julie is walking away, Nikki removes her hat and mask as though it’s some kind of reveal that she’s, ::gasp::, a woman. (I wonder if anyone watching was actually surprised by that?)

As Julie is walking home, she decides to cut through the murder-pipe-tunnel. Listen, if that thing existed in my town, I would definitely not step foot into it after dark. It reminds me of the rape tunnel/hallway from Irréversible, so, yeah, I’d tack on the extra five minutes (or whatever) to go around it. Julie has maybe never seen Irréversible, so she cuts through and, sure enough, she is attacked and stabbed by a man in a black hoodie (whose identity we’ll potentially be learning tonight on PLL). After the attack, he whispers to her that, “It’s okay. It’s over.” He sounds kind of like Simon, which would make sense in terms of the timeline, I think.

Present day Julie, with her empty, haunted eyes, is at the-old-guy-who-jumped-off-the-dam’s funeral, along with most of the townspeople. It is revealed that the old guy’s wife, Helen, died 29 years ago, because the very dam he committed suicide off of burst. The resulting flood claimed multiple casualties, including Helen. Well, I guess that makes a little more sense for him. I still don’t get why Helen is so calm about returning from the dead, seeing that her husband is now old balls, and then having her old balls husband kill himself.

After the funeral, Claire and Lena (who has apparently been taking classes at The Rosewood School of Funeral Attire and Etiquette-a crop top and a leather skirt? Come on, girl.) tell Peter that Camille might not be the only Returned One. Lena begrudgingly fills them in about her encounter with Simon, before running off in a fit of angst over Camille.

Julie’s stupid fucking neighbor gossips with her about Lucy’s stabbing (not knowing that Julie was a previous victim), which triggers a minor panic attack in Julie. Go step on a lego, Neighbor Lady. Nikki watches Julie leave, clearly concerned, but does not try to stop or follow her.

Elsewhere in town, a young man is looking for his mother, so he breaks into a house. Okay. Well, he’s probably Returned, so I’m sure we’ll come back to that later.

Back at the twins’ house, Camille convinces her dad to give her a cigarette, because, like, what’s the worst that could happen? She’s going to die? Lol, zombie humor. Jack is making a run for the title of Worst Parent (which his estranged wife currently holds), by giving his daughter a smoke and then telling her that she’s basically the reason he and Claire are separated. Parenting!

Lena and Claire get home just as Jack and Camille are making quesadillas, but Lena’s not hungry. She goes to her room to change for class (she’s allegedly a “student”), and Camille follows her. Camille apologizes for destroying Lena’s room and Lena semi-apologizes for being terrible to Camille since she’s returned. Camille calls her twin sister really pretty (“So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?”), before asking if there are a lot of guys into her. She asks specifically about Ben, who was the boy Lena banged on the day of the bus accident way back when. Camille notices a cut on Lena’s back, which freaks Lena out a lot more than I expected it to. Girl drinks all the damn time-this can’t be the first random cut or bruise she’s found on her body, can it?

Meanwhile, Peter flirts with the police station secretary and sweet talks her into releasing Simon into his custody. (Elton from Clueless, you old so and so.) Peter is driving Simon to the community center, so he can provide him with a hot meal and a bed (and will probably study him for science, IDK). Simon asks about Rowan, and Peter blows his load about knowing that Simon is Returned because he knew someone like him years ago. Simon’s like, “Uh, you’re weirdly cool about this whole situation, let me out of the car.”

Nikki shows up at Julie’s apartment to let her know about the recent attack, and also to see how she’s doing. Julie is like, “Thanks for your concern, but you haven’t come to see me in seven years, so bye.” Hold up. Seven years? Nikki, WTF? So, let me run through the logic: your girlfriend gets brutally attacked. You try to be there for her, but she tells you she needs some space. ::nodding:: Sure, okay, give her some space-BUT NOT FOR SEVEN YEARS. Come on, dude.

Lena is at school, changing in the locker room, and I’m thoroughly confused. This looks and sounds (thanks to the ringing school bell) like a high school, but I thought Lena was in college? She is either A) the worst high school student ever-skipping school to go drink most days or B) her college is a lot different from mine. Either way, she notices that the cut on her back is getting worse.

In other news, Tommy (cop/Rowan’s fiance) is a huge fucking creep. He’s got cameras set up all over Rowan’s house to keep tabs on her, and he’s just sitting there, watching the feed. Gross. He decides he wants to talk to Simon again, and, when he finds out that the station secretary released him into Peter’s custody, he is a total dick.

The Dog Star bartender is out at that house the kid from earlier (who was looking for his mom) broke into. He finds a wolf/dog hanging from the ceiling (NOT COOL), and goes outside to bury it. He’s mid-dig when the kid from before strolls up, full of questions. It’s the bartender’s brother, apparently, but instead of answering any questions, the bartender clocks him in the head with the shovel before going to hide in the house.

The Returned one gets up and tries to bust into the house, all, “Bro, why the fuck did you hit me with a shovel?” Fair question. The bartender prays, terrified, and then the pounding on the door stops. Like a total dummy, the bartender immediately goes outside to check things out. No one on this show has ever seen a horror movie, because, obviously the brother comes up behind him and smacks him on the head with a shovel.

The Returned bro stands over the bartender and aims a shotgun in his face-there is zero fucking chill in this family. He wants to know where mom is? (Dead for two years.) And why doesn’t he remember any of that, huh? (Because he was also dead.)

At the mall, Claire runs into an old friend, the parent of another bus crash victim, while Camille is in the dressing room. Camille comes out, much to the shock of the other woman, but demonstrates some remarking quick thinking/acting skills and introduces herself as Alice, Lena’s cousin. The other woman is taken aback, but buys the story and comments on the likeness between cousins.

Meanwhile, Simon has found his way back to the library to emotionally torment Rowan some more. He tells her that he came to say goodbye, because Rowan doesn’t need him anymore. Even though I don’t really like Simon, Rowan’s current fiance is an even worse creep so maybe she kind of does need Simon. Rowan, who just as a reminder, thinks she’s talking to a ghost, decides to take Simon to meet his daughter. Simon has much sensitivity, very emotion about it.

Later, as Rowan is getting home, Lena shows up looking for Simon. Rowan’s basically like, “Wait. What? You talked to him? Can you see ghosts, too? Or, wait, maybe he’s not a ghost?” Lena leaves and Rowan is thoroughly freaked out. Simon goes back to the community center, where Peter is being irritatingly zen and quoting Emerson.

Over at Julie’s apartment, the annoying neighbor comes pounding on her door. She saw Nikki earlier, and she thinks the police are investigating Victor because Julie adopted him illegally. Julie goes from 0-60 just like that, calling her neighbor a crazy bitch and telling her to drop dead in a span of like 10 seconds. It’s pretty great, honestly, because fuck that neighbor.

Jack and Claire are trying to figure out what their next move should be. Jack thinks they should pack up the girls and move far away, Hawaii or something, while Claire wants them to try and make it work here. The don’t decide anything except that they kind of want to make out right now. The start to do that, but then Claire pulls away.

Deciding that she’s really into roleplay (or something) now, Camille goes back to the Dog Star as Alice, Lena’s cousin. She finds Ben and freaks him out with the “resemblance” to Camille. They go inside and Lena is like “Aw, hell no, bitch. GTFO.” Camille pouts and leaves, and then Lena storms away from Ben to the bathroom. Ben wants her to talk, but Lena is like, “OR we could have dirty bathroom sex!” Ben is game for this suggestion until he notices that giant, gaping wound on her back. What a boner killer.

Simon comes back to Rowan’s house, and, now that she knows he’s not a total figment of her imagination, they make out. Tenderly. While Creepy Tommy watches on livestream. You can’t hear me, but I’m doing the Tina moan (from Bob’s Burgers).

Victor, meanwhile, has consumed almost every piece of food in Julie’s apartment. Instead of just ordering delivery, like a normal person, she decides the very best course of action is to leave the seven-year-old creepy boy alone in her apartment while she runs to the store. GET IT TOGETHER, JULIE. She tells him not to answer the door, but she does not tell him not to go to her neighbor’s apartment. So, that’s what he does, obviously. Not sure what his end game is on this one, maybe he’ll murder the neighbor? I’d be pretty down for that, actually.

Tune in to The Returned next week to find out! In the meantime, tell me your theories/analyses/etc. here in the comments or on twitter @jennalykes. (Mark your spoilers, plz!)

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