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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.24): LOL & Order

Words could not express my delight when I saw Parks and Recreation‘s very own Perd Hapley covering Ali’s trial. I may have screamed at my television. He is then joined by legal expert Sara Shepard, aka the author and creator of the Pretty Little Liars book series. What’s crazy is that she uses her real name on the show, which means that the creator of the PLL universe is also a character within said universe. Is Sara Shepard A? That would be so freakin’ meta, you guys.

After that delightful opening, the prosecution calls a surprise witness: Leslie, the hipster redhead/Mona’s secret BFF. HEY GIRL. The Liars are shocked as shit, and Emily even says, “I knew she was trouble” and NO ONE makes a Taylor Swift joke, that’s how serious this sitch is.

Leslie takes the stand and waxes poetic about her friendship with Mona. She talks about how Mona had a hard time in high school, what with Ali’s cruelty/cow brains/running academic circles around dummies like Andrew. Mona even sent Leslie a card, telling her that Ali had threatened to feed her to worms if she exposed her fake kidnapping. Leslie then lost the card, only to find it just in time for the trial. Sidebar, what section of Rite-Aid has “I’m being terrorized by high school bitches” cards? Is it next to the Quinceanera cards?

Leslie then tells the court that the Liars were a bunch of straight up creepsters when she came to visit. Hanna wouldn’t leave her alone, and Mike got all pissy about Mona’s favorite books. Spencer can’t take any more of this and storms out of the courtroom to call Caleb. She then runs into Toby in the hallway, and it’s awkward because they haven’t talked in, like, three episodes.

Spencer asks why he didn’t call her when Hanna got arrested, and Toby asks her how the Oxford interview went. Both were not great. Spencer says that Colin the roommate helped her through it, and Toby’s dimpled face gets all sad. Before they can get into it, Emily runs down screaming about barracudas with dollar teeth. I would not put it past this show to unleash actual barracudas on the Liars at this point. I mean, why not? Maybe they swim around the town lake feasting on masks of Melissa Hastings’ face.

The Liars conference call with Hanna and Ali, who are at opposite ends of the prison pay phones. Ali is furious about Leslie, and Hanna is all, “Well, I did follow her into the bathroom.” Ali begs the Liars for help, and Spencer says, “We tried to track down the pizza number” in the most exasperated way. Maybe she’d pay more attention if Tippi the bird was singing it.

We then flashback to Ali waiting to meet Cyrus in an abandoned playground. She hears some scurrying outside a large concrete tube, finds a red flowery jacket, and runs away. She has no idea if it was even a person at all, but the Liars jump on this thing like a lifeboat and head off to investigate the park.

Over at the Montgomery house, Mike is finally finished with lacrosse practice and Aria drags him into her room. She tells him about Leslie’s testimony, and that he might be called to the witness stand. Mike is ready to tell the truth, but Aria doesn’t want A to murder him, so she begs him to lie.

Back in Litchfield, Hanna and Ali are swapping notes during laundry distribution, and Ali tries to crack the mirror riddle. WITHOUT an anagram website? Good luck, girl.

Meanwhile, Toby is all butthurt because all the other cops get to work on the case and handle evidence and shoot people, and he’s stuck doing coffee runs. Toby thinks this is because he’s too close to the case, and that it has nothing to do with him spending 30 seconds at the police academy. Dude, you’ve been a cop for five minutes. Chill the fuck out.

Mike brings in a large box for Aria, who is stuck on yearbook duty thanks to Ella. Hey guys, Ella is back from Out Of Town! Remember when all those bees attacked her? That was next level. Aria opens the box, and along with yearbook forms, there is a giant tongue. Mike starts freaking out and Aria tells him that this is why he has to lie on the stand. BECAUSE TONGUES, MIKE! TONGUES IN BOXES! They cram that giant tongue back in the box just before Ella walks in.

The next day, Aria tells Ezra about the tongue, and he tells her to give it to the police. She then asks Ezra to kidnap Mike and take him to his stalker cabin because “he gets it.” Ezra calmly tells her that he can’t hide from a subpoena, but Aria makes panicked bird noises until he relents. It’s a bro road trip!

Emily and Spencer go to investigate the abandoned playground, where they find a church youth group cleaning up the joint. The head nerd tells them he hasn’t seen anyone there, and gives them his card. What high schooler has a business card? High schoolers for Jesus, apparently.

Aria is working the yearbook photos with Ella when Andrew comes to see her. He’s upset that she didn’t return his calls/ask him to kidnap Mike. He’s threatened by Ezra’s involvement in Aria’s life, what with the whole statutory rape issue, but Aria is basically, “Love me, love my criminally older ex.”

Caleb visits Hanna in prison to talk about the case, but Hanna would rather hold hands and look longingly into his eyes. Caleb wants Mike to take the stand since he’s their best shot at proving Ali’s innocence, but Hanna refuses because Mike is just a kid. Newsflash Hanna: You’re a kid too. You were all Mike’s age when this nonsense started, so maybe take the condescension down a notch.

Back at school, Emily and Spencer see a girl with the youth group patch on her jacket. Spencer wants to start waterboarding her for information, but Emily suggests that maybe this time she ought to do the interrogating. Good call Emily, I would probably tell you my PIN number if you asked me. Emily tries to chat up this girl, Kendra, but Spencer can’t help herself and starts barraging her with questions. Kendra then yells at Ella Montgomery for spilling her secrets and storms off.

Later that night, Aria is pissed at Ella for keeping secrets from her…secrets are her thing! Ella finally tells Aria the truth: Kendra was at a party, tried some drugs, and spent the night in that cement tube tripping balls. I relate, as I spent my last Thanksgiving high as a kite and eating all the mac and cheese. I REGRET NOTHING.

Mike and Ezra arrive at the stalker cabin, where they find Caleb waiting them for them, eating chickpeas out of a can. Caleb demands that Mike come back with him, and Ezra demands that he stay. Ezra pulls the “Mike’s just a boy” card, but Caleb tells him that when he was Mike’s age, he was living in air ducts and hobo-ing it up. While they’re deep in their man fight, Mike steals the car and drives off.

Over at Casa Hastings, Spencer and Emily discuss Kendra over a nice cup of tomato juice/marinara sauce. Emily wants Toby to talk to Kendra, but Spencer is hesitant because she doesn’t know where they stand. She then confesses to Emily to that she’s kissed two other guys, and Emily gives her patented “shocked Emily” face.

She asks Spencer if they were open-mouthed or closed-mouthed kisses, and Spencer tells her to drink her pasta sauce already. Spencer also tells Emily that she’s not the town pump, and Emily rolls her eyes like, “Whatever girl.” Emily is hardcore Team Spoby. Then Kendra shows up wanting to talk.

Ali and Hanna are back on laundry duty, where it is apparently impossible to talk about anything. OITNB makes it seem like there is plenty of downtime in prison, but these girls are constantly being watched. There’s barely any time for a conversation, let alone full-on sex. Ali knocks over a can of detergent, and she and Hanna hide behind some shelves to make out, I mean, talk about the riddle.

Ali says they can talk all they want in the infirmary, and promptly burns herself with an iron. Hanna is like “nope nope nope” and Ali tells her to slam her hand in the dryer. She can’t do it, so Ali slams it for her. #friendship

The girls are brought before Ali’s lawyer, who is so over their shenanigans. I bet she never represents teenage girls again. She tells them to cut it out, and takes Hanna’s note, which is just attempted anagram solves. You can’t send teenage girls to prison and expect them to not act like teenagers, lady.

Ezra and Caleb find the abandoned car with an arrow through the windshield. Looks like A is taking up archery.

Ali’s lawyer then heads to Spencer’s house to interview Kendra about her drug trip/possibly seeing Alison. Kendra remembers hearing Ali, but she also remembers hearing “Magic Carpet Ride” on a loop inside her own head, so her testimony is not so helpful. The lawyer assures the Liars that she’s got a plan: Ali is going to testify.

Ezra and Caleb stumble into some sort of boy scout camp, where they are immediately shot at with arrows. The boys throw rocks, but while rock beats paper, nothing beats arrows whistling through the air towards your head.

Toby stops by Spencer’s house to brag about everything he did to get his badge. He lists a haircut as one of those things, I swear to God. He says he did it all to protect Spencer, but if he has to choose between being a cop or being Mr. Cavanugh-Hastings, he chooses Spencer. They mash their faces together and make out. Yay? I’m not the biggest Toby fan, but he’s light years better than those other two asshats she kissed so whatever.

Mike is running through the woods alone in the dark. Welcome to the show, buddy. He gets maced by A and battered with a tether ball. It’s no joke, tether balls hurt, you guys.

Aria is panicking because she can’t reach the guys. She calls Andrew for help and asks him to drive two hours to her ex-boyfriend’s sex lodge to find her brother. Aria, you are cute, but you’re not that cute. No one is that cute. Maybe Emily.

Caleb and Ezra finally find Mike duct-tapped and tied to the tether ball pole. Ezra goes to free him, but first Caleb takes a picture for proof.

It’s Ali’s day in court, and her lawyer is pulling out all the stops. She tosses a grapefruit back and forth with Ali, showing off an elbow injury that never healed. She says that, with Ali’s elbow injury, there’s no way she could have tossed around Mona like a ragdoll. I wanted Ali to hit the lawyer/jury in the face with that grapefruit so badly, but alas it didn’t happen.

Caleb and Ezra report Mike’s attack to Tanner, who is not in the mood for their manly nonsense. She says they are filing their complaint to the wrong precinct, and questions why Caleb would take a pic of Mike instead of helping him. Caleb loses it, screams at Tanner, and storms off.

The prosecution is cross-examining Ali by throwing her a watermelon. Just kidding, they ask her about her summer camp archery award. How can she be an ace archer but not be able to throw a grapefruit? A texts all the Liars “Bullseye, bitches!” and they know Ali is fucked.

Toby shows up at the precinct in plainsclothes and demands to be let in on the case. Tanner tells him its too late to help his friends, then locks the evidence door behind her.

Ali and her lawyer wait on a bench while the jury deliberates. The lawyer is shocked that they were able to dig up the award, and Ali confesses that she bribed her bunkmate into winning it for her. Why didn’t you say that on the stand, dum-dum? These girls just can’t quit lying.

Andrew meets Aria and tells her he’s sorry he didn’t call her back. We also find out that Andrew used to be a pathfinder/boy scout, so it was most likely him shooting arrows at Ezra and Caleb. I don’t think Andrew is a red herring, but I also don’t think he’s on the A team. I think we’re dealing with a cousin Nate-level enemy.

The verdict is in, and the jury finds Alison guilty of first degree murder. Ali breaks down crying, the Liars look grief-stricken, and Tanner arrests everyone. We see the remaining Liars booked and taken away. Everyone is going to jail!

We end with A putting their Liar dolls in a toy prison bus and driving it around. Also, they have a corsage. Is the prom coming or do prisons have dances now?

Next week: A is revealed! For reals this time? If it’s Andrew I’m burning this mother down.

Tweet me you’re a theories/prison nicknames for the Liars @chelseaprocrast

Thanks to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for the screencaps. I would totally cheat on camp archery for you.

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