Last week, Season 2 of Newlyweds: The First Year debuted with four couples getting married, including our favorite duo, Laura and Sam, the sorority sweethearts turned wives. After a beautiful and exciting wedding last week, I’m sad to report that Laura and Sam have absolutely nothing going on in episode two, which confirms my biggest fear that as soon as lesbians get married, their lives becomes painfully boring. While the other couples on Newlyweds take off on extravagant honeymoons, where they zip line in Hawaii or rub sunscreen on each other in Australia, Sam and Laura are resigned to feeding their dogs, opening mail, putting on some makeup, and fighting with their family at a barbecue.
Back in their NYC apartment, Sam and Laura open thank you notes from the wedding and talk about their new last name. Laura and Sam were both born with embarrassing last names-Laura’s is Semen and Sam’s is Getlick. Their friends had been jokingly combining their names into GetSemen or SemenLick, because clearly they have the world’s nicest friends. Instead of dealing with these pranks forever, the newlywed couple took Sam’s middle name, Abby, as their new last name. They even had a wooden plaque engraved, so you know it’s official!
My biggest concern is that now Sam has no middle name, which I find tragic. This serious issue is never addressed in the show, and personally, I am panicking for Sam and losing sleep. I hope she invented a new middle name for herself, because otherwise her monogrammed towels are just going to look weird. Listen, I’m not judging her, but she does seem like the type to have monogrammed towels. Doesn’t she? Again, no judgment. Both of these women look cleaner at all times than I ever have.
The highlight of this at-home scene is that we get a glimpse of the Abby family dogs, two little pups who are clearly not rescue dogs (no judgment-okay, this time I’m lying). Sadly, we don’t even get to see the dogs from the front side, which is my biggest disappointment so far of the episode. We also don’t learn their names, or get to watch them for the entire hour, which would obviously be the best way to film this show.
The charming at home scene concludes with a typical married-couple ritual in which one wife spray paints the other wife with dangerous chemicals that make her look tan. Yes, Sam helps Laura out by giving her face a spray tan. Man, what I wouldn’t give for a little help from my girlfriend with my makeup. I guess I’ll have to marry her to get that level of commitment.
We jump to Sam and Laura at Sam’s family house in Florida, where Sam’s “snob” brother ruins their fun just by showing up. Brothers, am I right? Just kidding, my brother’s the coolest. But Sam’s brother is portrayed as a real pain in the butt. Laura thinks he is annoying, entitled, and says she has a “love/hate relationship with him,” which is 100% always code for “a hate relationship.” Laura and Sam’s brother get into a fight pretty quickly about the management of the Florida house, which is Laura’s new job. She plans to rent the house out to people and keep track of stuff and buy new stuff and make spreadsheets so that she can finally have a real job of her own and an income. Yay! It must be awkward asking Sam every time she wants to buy more cans of spray tan.
Things get kind of heated when Sam’s dad shows up, along with a bunch of other family members who aren’t important enough to name, for a zesty barbecue. Laura yells at Sam’s brother, Sam looks very scared, and we almost feel like something crazy is about to happen. But it doesn’t. Hey, it’s not their fault that everyday isn’t fireworks-this is reality TV about marriage. What did we expect? Suspense?
Suddenly, Laura isn’t mad at anyone anymore for no reason and decides to feed Sam’s annoying brother some of her soup at a restaurant. I think this is supposed to let us know that everything is okay, and hating each other is just the special, unique way that this family loves each other. You know, it’s forgiveness soup.
So, there’s not a lot going on yet. But I feel confident there will be plenty of drama to come, whether it’s real or whether it’s made up to improve ratings. Overall, I’m really enjoying how Sam and Laura’s incredible, luscious brown locks are stealing the show in every scene. I mean, what shampoo are they using? That is a marriage with a lot of shiny hair. I can only hope that one day I can have the same.
