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“Episodes” recap (409): If it walks like a duck

Last week on Episodes: Helen’s unfounded jealousy towards Beverly went from silly theory to serious problem, forcing Carol to hide her one and only friendship behind a smelly dumpster.

You can’t fix crazy and you can’t throw it away, either. Crazy gets recycled like a plastic bottle that never disintegrates. Ever.

Carol and Bev are having another clandestine meeting surrounded by the studio’s garbage. Bev insists she’s not doing this anymore, but Carol is still trying to put a happy spin on things and says chipperly, “I think it’s fun!” even though she’s scanning the area like a paranoid squirrel.

Bev’s idea of fun does not include inhaling rotting Nicoise salad, curdled lattes and bulimic actress vomit (as I imagine studio garbage smells like), so Carol offers to let Bev pick the next location for their get-togethers. How do you feel about Buffalo?

Bev pointedly mentions that she might be going hiking tomorrow, alone, and will be at the place they usually meet at 7:30am. Wink, wink. Ix-nay on the iking-hay because your girfriend is azy-cray.

Bev: Let me say this: Life was simpler before you became a lesbian.

Carol: Lesbian? I’m not a lesbian!

Bev: Really? What would you call it?

Carol: I don’t know. I feel uncomfortable with labels.

Earth to Carol: Saying you don’t like labels totally makes you a lesbian.

Beverly puts it simply, “If you open a can, and there’s beans in it, it’s a can of beans.” Oh, Beverly. You can’t use logic on a lesbian. You say beans, they’ll say bananas. And that’s what this all is.

Later, Carol and Helen are out to lunch when ever-vigilant Helen spots someone looking at her girlfriend. Before she can fly into a rage and stab him in the eye with a fork, Castor Sotto, Carol’s old boss, comes to their table to say hello.

As per usual, Carol was sleeping with Castor when he ran the network, but his tenure was cut short by the voices in his head.

Carol makes pleasantries with Castor, who seems much calmer, much saner than he was the last time anyone saw him. He shares some good news: he’s been tapped to run The CW network. That’s right-Talking to voices and having a psychotic break during a meeting is no reason you can’t have a successful Hollywood career.

Back on his meds and feeling healthy, Castor apologizes for everything he put Carol through, and she’s genuinely touched. It’s all good until he actually touches her. Then, Helen gives her The Face. Andrea Savage is hot, no question, but look closer. Helen has sinister eyes.

Helen says nothing about Carol and Castor. No, she lays her traps carefully, digging holes, lining them with spikes, and then covering the holes with word leaves.

Helen: By the way, he’s much hotter, in person.

Carol: Oh, yeah. He’s dreamy-

Helen: [Her face: EX-SQUEEZE ME??]

Carol: … for a guy….

Listen. No one does awkward like Kathleen Rose Perkins. Her face is an adorable tableau of bumbling anxiety. But notice how in her stream of terrified, rando words, “I’m not attracted to him” wasn’t in there.

Back in her office, Carol gets a call from Castor. He couldn’t say anything earlier in front of Helen but he wants to ask-

Castor: I’d like to offer you a job.

Carol: I’m seeing someone.

Oh, oops. Poor Carol. My heart aches for her, even when it’s laughing at her. Thankfully, Castor didn’t hear her side of their over-talking and goes on to say he’ll double her salary, if she’ll come be his Number 2 at The CW. Double!

Carol is surprised, flattered and tempted, as well she should be. But she tells Castor she can’t accept. Hey, when you’re Helen’s girlfriend and you open up that can, there are no beans; there’s just a whole lotta whup ass.

Castor says, “I want you to be happy.” Carol replies, “No, I can’t.” And that’s the whole show, folks.

The next morning, Bev is surprised to see Carol has shown up for their hike. Good for you! No, she hasn’t gotten any braver since yesterday: Helen is out of town. Listen, she’s Carol Rance, not Brienne of Tarth.

Bev and Carol make their way up a trail. Carol is telling Bev about Castor’s job offer, which might be a good way to not be conjoined at the hip with Helen. Bev knows this is the worst idea since the pet name, Scrunchie:”You, going to work for your male ex-lover? That won’t feed her already spectacular paranoia?”

They turn into a bend in the path and run into this.

I’ve watching this on a loop for 12 hours now, and it hasn’t gotten old yet.

In Helen’s delusional mind, she may as well have caught Carol with her face in Beverly’s crotch. Carol sputters, “What are you doing here?!” as Beverly quietly has a heart attack.

Beverly: “Look, this is not what you think. It’s never been what you think. This, is just a bloody haircut. It’s not like I’m wearing a strap-on on my head.”

They make those, actually.

Carol: Pubey, I swear there is nothing going on! It’s just two friends on a hike!

Helen: Bullshit! Two friends do not sneak off on a hike! And you can drop the “pubey.”

Bev: Probably for the best.

Helen is on a tear. Beverly is too afraid to look her in the eyes. Helen tells Carol to get her shit out of her house, including “your cheap moisturizer, your stupid sleep goggles, and especially that fucking scrunchie!”

She also demands Carol give back the ankle bracelet she gave her (to add to her collection of returned ankle bracelets, no doubt) and the clothes she borrowed. Problem is, Carol is wearing some of them right now.

Carol is bringing the back porn. And the front porn. How come this never happens when I’m in Griffith Park??

As insane and cruel as Helen has been, Carol is heartbroken. She’s been stripped of her couplehood, her dignity, and her clothes. Talk about a walk of shame. In other news, this is the first time Carol has hiked without doing “hiking hands.”

Merc was a selfish, double-talking asshole, and Castor was an unfeeling mental patient, but neither of them treated Carol like this. She may never play on our team ever again. Thanks, Helen.

OK, so #TeamBance is over. I told you we should’ve went with #Rasch. Except, Carol, Helen and Beverly all still work together. Later at the taping of Matt’s new awful game show, Sean notices that Helen is giving Beverly her trademark Death Stares. Beverly tells Sean what happened that morning, “She may as well have been wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete.”

When Carol shows up for the taping, Sean begs her to go stand far, far away from them but it’s too late. Helen sees them together and Sean is in instant mortal fear for their show. The wrath of Helen Basch is far-reaching, never-ending and biblical in proportion.

As a little twist of the knife, Helen has Carol banished from the sound stage with twisted glee. The hurt on Carol’s face makes me want to hug her. She chokes back tears, calls Castor, and accepts his job offer.

The next day, Sean and Beverly are super nervous because Helen has called them into a meeting. Sean’s pretty sure it’s not to give them ponies. Maybe Carol knows what the meeting is about? They go to her office but she’s gone. Just like that.

In Helen’s office, Sean and Beverly learn the depths of Helen’s vengeance: She’s forcing them to work with Sean’s hated, oily ex-writing partner, Tim. Why? “Because if walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s fucking my ex-girlfriend…like a duck.” I’m sorry, who’s the quack?

Elsewhere, Carol arrives for her first day at the CW, only to find out no one has even heard of Castor Sotto, let alone he’s running the network. “But that’s insane… ahh.”

Will Sean and Beverly’s show survive pilot season? Will Carol find work in a town where your reputation is everything (unless you’re a man)? Will she ever give lesbian relationships another chance? We’ll have to wait another whole year to find out in Season 5! See ya next year!

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