“Episodes” recap (409): If it walks like a duck


Last week on Episodes: Helen’s unfounded jealousy towards Beverly went from silly theory to serious problem, forcing Carol to hide her one and only friendship behind a smelly dumpster.


You can’t fix crazy and you can’t throw it away, either. Crazy gets recycled like a plastic bottle that never disintegrates. Ever.

Carol and Bev are having another clandestine meeting surrounded by the studio’s garbage. Bev insists she’s not doing this anymore, but Carol is still trying to put a happy spin on things and says chipperly, “I think it’s fun!” even though she’s scanning the area like a paranoid squirrel.


Bev’s idea of fun does not include inhaling rotting Nicoise salad, curdled lattes and bulimic actress vomit (as I imagine studio garbage smells like), so Carol offers to let Bev pick the next location for their get-togethers. How do you feel about Buffalo?

Bev pointedly mentions that she might be going hiking tomorrow, alone, and will be at the place they usually meet at 7:30am. Wink, wink. Ix-nay on the iking-hay because your girfriend is azy-cray.

Bev: Let me say this: Life was simpler before you became a lesbian.

Carol: Lesbian? I’m not a lesbian!

Bev: Really? What would you call it?

Carol: I don’t know. I feel uncomfortable with labels. 


Earth to Carol: Saying you don’t like labels totally makes you a lesbian.

Beverly puts it simply, “If you open a can, and there’s beans in it, it’s a can of beans.” Oh, Beverly. You can’t use logic on a lesbian. You say beans, they’ll say bananas. And that’s what this all is.

Later, Carol and Helen are out to lunch when ever-vigilant Helen spots someone looking at her girlfriend. Before she can fly into a rage and stab him in the eye with a fork, Castor Sotto, Carol’s old boss, comes to their table to say hello.

As per usual, Carol was sleeping with Castor when he ran the network, but his tenure was cut short by the voices in his head.


Carol makes pleasantries with Castor, who seems much calmer, much saner than he was the last time anyone saw him. He shares some good news: he’s been tapped to run The CW network. That’s right—Talking to voices and having a psychotic break during a meeting is no reason you can’t have a successful Hollywood career.

Back on his meds and feeling healthy, Castor apologizes for everything he put Carol through, and she’s genuinely touched. It’s all good until he actually touches her. Then, Helen gives her The Face. Andrea Savage is hot, no question, but look closer. Helen has sinister eyes.


Helen says nothing about Carol and Castor. No, she lays her traps carefully, digging holes, lining them with spikes, and then covering the holes with word leaves.

Helen: By the way, he’s much hotter, in person.

Carol: Oh, yeah. He’s dreamy—

Helen: [Her face: EX-SQUEEZE ME??]

Carol: … for a guy….


Listen. No one does awkward like Kathleen Rose Perkins. Her face is an adorable tableau of bumbling anxiety. But notice how in her stream of terrified, rando words, “I’m not attracted to him” wasn’t in there.