“Rizzoli and Isles” Subtext Recap (5.16): Put on your finest pizza earings

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Det. Murder, He Wrote arrives and immediately starts talking sports to show he isn’t Angela Lansbury. Jane walks in and immediately out butches him because, duh, she is Det. Jane Rizzoli. He pulls out a piece of evidence that looks remarkably like Jane’s piece of evidence–it’s a handkerchief. Got it, our murderer is Opera Man.

He tells her it came from his first case as a detective, which was never solved. His White Whale was a woman in her late 60s who was beaten to death on the side of a desolate road. There was also a sock in the gas tank, like the new victim. So he asks Jane if she can have the department’s more advanced crime lab and far superior Dr. Maura Isles retest the old evidence as well.

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Maura, however, is busy meeting Maura–her imposter. She has dragged Mama R with her to some fancy shmancy restaurant where Not Maura has a reservation. The hostess tells her Not Maura is at the bar and we see the back of some lady’s peroxide head. Oh, please, everyone knows Jane isn’t into platinum blondes.

Not Maura has the crowd of people around her in stitches, which makes Real Maura defensive. Mama R reassures her she is also funny. Such a good mother-in-law that one. To further prove exactly how good Mama R stops Real Maura from “getting a closer look” at Not Maura and suggests they call Jane. Then she tells her this “Imposter Phenomenon” is a crock because Not Maura is clearly not a high-achieving woman. Real Maura, on the other hand, now that’s a high achieving woman.

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But Real Maura is stuck on Not Maura’s exquisite taste and sense of adventure. Her great boutique purchases. Her great spa/yoga combos. She is jealous this lady is living her life better than her. OK, can we take a moment and comment on how incredibly loaded Real Maura must be to not care even a little bit about the money Not Maura has spent living the good life? Like, I have one strange purchase on my credit card and I’m eating ramen noodles for a week waiting for it to be refunded back to my account.

Right, so, Mama R finally talks some sense into Real Maura. She tells her how loved and respected she is by everyone in her life–including, of course, by Jane. This other lady is just some con artist who steals shit. They share a moment and now we’re the ones who are jealous. Not of Not Maura, mind you, but of how great this daughter-in-law, mother-in-law relationships really is.

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As if to further confirm how much better Real Maura is than Not Maura, the actual doctor springs into action when a fellow diner slumps over from a heart attack. Not Maura, meanwhile, slinks away in shame. But not before Mama R catches her on video. Yeah, she definitely earned that World’s Greatest Mother-in-Law mug.

Real Maura returns to reality and Jane, who greets her with paperwork to sign on her identity theft case. Susie told Jane about her situation because Susie knows it’s never good for anyone’s health to keep important information about Maura from Jane.

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Jane is a little hurt and asks why Maura didn’t tell her right away. And Maura says because she knows Jane would have flown into Protective Girlfriend Mode immediately and then she wouldn’t have been able to see what Not Maura was like. Jane tells her that’s exactly what she would have done because her most important job in this world is keeping Maura safe. Look, I’m paraphrasing, but not even that much.

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