“Rizzoli and Isles” Subtext Recap (5.16): Put on your finest pizza earings

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Jane meets Frankie at the victim’s home to talk with his wife. Hey, it’s Eden Riegel from All My Children. So now Bianca Montgomery joins Dana Fairbanks and Nan Flanagan in the pantheon of gay lady characters to guest star on Rizzoli & Isles.

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Jane goes to talk with the victim’s son, and gives him her badge to hold. Yep, if there’s one thing Det. Jane Rizzoli knows it’s how to relate to a 10-year-old boy. Always a tomboy at heart, that one. He tells her he overheard an angry visit from some man who yelled a lot. So that’s a plot point I’m sure we’ll have to suffer through before our Big Gayzzoli Ending.

Jane goes to see Maura in the autopsy lab and they flirt over the word “dawdle.” Hey, when you’re flirting over a dead body anything can be fodder for romance. As if on cue, Senior Criminalist Susie Chang arrives. Let’s just get it over with and have Susie wear a cape that says, “The Blocker.”

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Jane pushes Maura to tell her what caused the gaping head vagina, er, wound in the victim’s skull (what, that’s what it looks like). Was it rebar? Was it an iron pipe? To goad Maura even more she declares the murder weapon a “long and fat and soft” object. That gagging noise is lesbians everywhere thinking about something long, fat and soft. Susie’s face perfectly encapsulates all of our horror at this description.

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A flustered Maura concedes that it could have been rebar or a tire iron or a steel pipe, so, for the love of God, stop mentioning “long and fat and soft” things. Then Jane gets The Blocker in trouble with Maura for making assumptions, someone who disrupts that much good eye sex must pay some sort of price.

Jane continues to mete out small-scale justice, but this time her subject is Korsak who has used one too many fancy words. She takes his reference book away and tells him to sit in the corner, essentially. Then she uses the thesaurus to look up a synonym for “nutbag” and uses the word “penal.” Yep, that’s our 10-year-old boy, Jane.

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Maura finally goes off to exchange her shoes at Chez Katia. But once there the saleswoman apologizes because those shoes were clearly for Dr. Isles–as are all these other purchases. Maura is perplexed, but not as much by the fact that she has an identify thief, but that she has an identity thief with great taste. So she gets one of the dresses in her size to go.

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Now back in the office, in the new dress, she babbles on to Susie about how fascinated she is by the imposter phenomenon. But even The Blocker knows when she should stop blocking and asks Maura if she has told her girlfriend–or any other cop–about this crime. See, everyone knows, when it comes to Maura always tell Jane first.

We now interrupt this show about two women who are clearly in love for more plot nonsense. Korsak is notified some detective from Maine has come to inquire about their case. I’m going to assume it’s Jessica Fletcher because that’s the only detective from Maine anyone knows.

Jane arrives in the car bay to find Maura and Susie examining the victim’s ride. Obviously, she notices Maura’s new dress right away. And, proving that even Det. Jane Rizzoli is human, she lets out an involuntary “Helllloooo” at Maura’s hotness. Your gay, it’s definitely showing, sweetie.

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