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“The Returned” recap (1.1): Miracle Whip

Full disclosure: I have not seen the French version of The Returned, Les Revenants, because I am an uncultured American swine. According to this guy, however, the original show is amazing and perfect, and this pathetic American knockoff isn’t even fit to shine its shoes. So, there we are. Perhaps we should all watch the French version, too, and then we can compare and contrast.

The Returned opens with a gorgeous, panning shot of the Pacific Northwest landscape. It’s four years ago, and a school bus is cruising along the scenic mountain route. On the bus, we zero in on one student who is doing all your typical teenage girl things: listening to emotional music through headphones (in this case it’s “Welcome Home” by Radical Face), staring out the window longingly pining for a life that she doesn’t even know how to define, let alone obtain, and ignoring her peers and teacher. Wait, what’s that? Those aren’t typical teenage girl things? Well, they were for me, so take your makeup and your boys and MOVE ALONG.

Camille is her name, and she sighs deeper than anyone has ever sighed as she accepts an assignment from her teacher while pondering her existence. I hope she’s at peace with herself, because, of all a sudden, her bus skids off the road and falls from a cliff. I’m no bus expert, but there did not appear to be any reason for that accident to happen. Very curious.

Four years later, present day, and the Pacific Northwest is still full of nature and beauty. The sky is blue, the trees are green, and the people are white and wealthy. Back at the scene of the bus crash, Camille climbs up to the road. She looks distressed and confused, but definitely not like she’s been dead for four years. Actually, she doesn’t even look that dirty or mussed from climbing. Somewhere, Buffy Summers is watching this show and scoffing, “In my day, we had to earn our resurrections. I clawed out of my grave with my bare hands!”

Somewhere else in town, Elton from Clueless is facilitating a support group, and Jacob from LOST comes in late and hovers by the door.

The power goes out across the whole town, and a woman who I suspect is Camille’s mother uses the outage as an opportunity to light the candles in her Camille-shrine. The power comes back after just a moment, though, so Camilla’s mom blows out the candles and decides to pray to her shrine later.

Back at the support group, a woman presents a model of the memorial being built to honor victims of the bus crash. She mentions that there are 32 holes to represent the 32 lives lost, but I hope the welder didn’t finish that part yet, because with Camille’s return they only need 31 holes. Awkward. Jacob from LOST is like, “No offense, but… that memorial is so. Effing. Ugly.” Elton tries to mediate the conflict, but Jacob is pretty much a jerk to everyone and they all look very used to his behavior.

Camille’s mom hears rustling in the kitchen, and, making the fairly safe assumption that someone alive is making the noise, calls out to “Lena” and goes to check it out. She finds her super dead daughter standing there looking very super alive. Camille is starving, which makes sense because she hasn’t eaten in four years. It looks like she’s using Miracle Whip on her sandwich, though, so clearly she’s a monster who can’t be trusted.

Before her mom can say anything, Camille starts ranting, like, “Don’t get mad at me! Weirdest thing happened-I woke up in this ditch, and I don’t really know how I got there, but I didn’t have my phone, and I had to walk like a million miles, and I’ve just had, like, a really hard day, OK? So just let me eat this sandwich before you JUMP DOWN MY THROAT. GOD, mom.”

Meanwhile, in a bar called the “Dog Star” (which I’m guessing is a reference to Sirius, the brightest star system, not the deceased wizard), a young girl that I think is the aforementioned Lena is ripping shots left and right. She’s tryna get wasted, y’all! In a room adjacent to the bar, Jacob from LOST and a new lady are getting dressed and they have a weird exchange:

Lady: Sorry, it doesn’t always work.

Jacob: It’s OK.

Lady: Usually, I get something, but today? Nothing.

Jacob: It was still good.

Listen, I’m extraordinarily not heterosexual, but I’ve been given to understand that in these types of situations the dude is usually the one apologizing for something “not working.” Something is amiss here, I say! Jacob (whose name is actually Jack on this show, apparently, and boy is that confusing) also seems to be at least partially supporting this woman financially. He gets a call from Camille’s mom (Claire), who asks him to come over. There are a lot of characters being introduced, but I think I figured out that Jack and Claire are Lena and Camille’s parents.

Back at the house, Claire is still super dazed on account of her dead daughter showing up alive and acting like everything is normal. She shoves her Camille-shrine into a drawer, because nothing is more awkward than having to explain that shit to the subject of said shrine. Trust me.

Jack shows up and it’s clear that he doesn’t believe that Camille is alive, but Claire’s like, “I’ll prove it! Let’s bust in on our teenage ghost-daughter in the bath!” Great idea, parents. Camille is obviously annoyed, and Jack is stunned to see her. The parents go outside, very calmly discussing their dead child’s sudden re-appearance. I really do not understand the reactions here. I get that it’s their daughter, but still, you’ve got to be assuming zombie at this point, right? It’s been four years and she hasn’t aged at all.

Over at the local market, a woman named Dr. Han is picking up some late night snacks for her post-clinic munchies. As she’s driving home, she sees a small boy sitting alone in the bus shelter right by her apartment. She parks and goes to check on the boy, but he’s gone so she’s just like, “Huh, that was weird.” When she is checking her mail, however, she glances outside and the boy is standing there creepily.

Instead of screaming, which is what I would’ve done, she goes outside to talk to the boy. She asks him all sorts of questions, but he doesn’t say a word. What a little shit, amirite? Then, she invites him into her home. Dr. Han must not watch horror movies, because that is a seriously rookie mistake. Her nosy neighbor bombards them in the hall and wants to know the kids name, so Dr. Han (Julie) decides to call him Victor.

Inside the apartment, Julie makes Victor a microwave dinner, but also threatens to call the cops if he doesn’t start talking. She does that thing adults always do to kids, like, “If you don’t get down here in three seconds, you are in big trouble, mister. Three… two… one and a half… one and a quarter…” but she does it with dialing 911. It’s actually pretty adorable, and Victor sees right through the bluff. Julie tells him he can stay the night, but she is marching him to the police station first thing in the morning. She clearly hasn’t seen a lot of horror movies.

Elsewhere in Poor-Decision-Ville, WA, Jack and Claire are drinking warm, straight vodka to numb their feelings. Gross, you guys. Get some whiskey. Elton from Clueless (Peter) lets himself into the house, so I guess he and Claire have been banging on the regular. Claire tells Peter that Camille is back, and before Peter can think of the best way to gently inform his ladyfriend that she might be bonkers, Claire takes him to see her.

Camille has found the shrine to herself that her mom stashed in her drawer, and she is understandably weirded out. She’s also weirded out by the strange psychologist who claims to be a friend of her mom’s. Peter takes the presence of a zombie-ghost-girl remarkably in stride, and asks Camille if she remembers the accident. Camille does not. Peter reassures her that everything is fine and that she is extraordinary, but Camille’s like, “Whatever, weirdo, I’m going to bed.”

Somewhere else in town, Admiral Helena Cain of Battlestar Pegasus (so many familiar faces on this show!) strolls down the street and enters a random house. She gets undressed and into bed with an old guy, and the old guy looks pretty shocked to see her, so I’m guessing she is also a returned one. I hope the old guy doesn’t have a heart problem. He calls Dr. Han, but then hangs up before saying anything. Poor old guy probably thinks he’s lost his marbles.

Back at the Dog Star, a confused-looking guy with some luscious curls is trying to find a waitress named Rowan, but she doesn’t work there anymore. Lena overhears the exchange and tells this new returned guy that she knows where to find Rowan. She leads him toward Rowan’s house and wonders why she’s never seen him around the bar before, since she practically lives there. He doesn’t know. He also doesn’t say thank you when they arrive at Rowan’s townhouse, so curls guy is shaping up to be a jerk.

Rowan is trying on a wedding veil when she sees curls-guy standing outside her house like a goddamn creep, and she’s terrified when she hears him banging on the door and calling her name. So far hers has been the most appropriate reaction to seeing a dead person, she starts crying and screaming at him to go away. After hearing her mother’s breakdown, Rowan’s young daughter comes to check on her and curls-guy leaves.

Somehow the old guy has ended up standing atop a dam. How did he even get there? Did he walk? He looks pretty old. Oh shit-he actually jumped. Wow, OK. So, on the scale of returned vs. dead, I think we’re at 4-1.

Another new character shows up at Rowan’s house, and I’m guessing he’s her fiance, because I’m basically a super-sleuth. Rowan tells him that “the Simon stuff started happening again,” and her fiance is very supportive. So, wait, you’re telling me the only reasonable reaction that we’ve seen so far happened because she thought she was going crazy? Why doesn’t anyone care more that dead people are now alive?!

Meanwhile, Julie is tucking the creepy kid into her couch, and all she wants is for him to tell her his real name. He tells her it’s Victor, which just UGH. I hate creepy kids. At this point, I wouldn’t care what time it was, there is just no way he is staying in my house while I sleep. Julie has no response to that, and I hope she’s starting to realize how fucking weird this situation is.

Jack meets back up with the lady from earlier, I think Lucy is her name, and he’s like, “We gotta do it, right now.” She doesn’t seem into it, but he doesn’t care-he is unbuckling his pants and he wants her to talk to Camille. Uh, what? I’m super uncomfortable about this entire situation. It just gets worse, though, as he fucks her against the wall and she cries out in pain. He asks her questions about his daughter as he fucks her, and it’s really gross.

Jack realizes that the woman has been conning him about having a psychic connection to Camille (OBVIOUSLY) and he kind of loses it. Lucy is finally able to slap him and she runs out of the bar. She’s walking through a creepy tunnel when someone in a hoodie (A?) comes up behind her and stabs her all the way to death. Poor Lucy, you deserved better than to be raped and murdered in a span of mere minutes.

Lena gets home from the bar and sneaks into her bedroom window, drunkenly stumbling all over the place and making lots of noise. Camille, who wasn’t really asleep, hears her and gets out of bed to knock on the wall. The sisters knock back and forth a few times, rapping out some secret pattern from their childhood, before Camille comes barging into Lena’s room. Lena takes one look at her and loses her shit. She starts crying and screaming for their mom. Great job, Claire. Way to not warn your daughter that her dead sister is maybe alive or maybe a zombie.

Flashback to four years earlier again- the fateful morning of the bus crash. Camille is annoyed that Lena gets to stay home while she has to go on a class trip, but she should know by now that her parents aren’t really that good at parenting, and so of course Lena faked being sick easily. Lena smirks down from the window as the rest of the family leaves, which is really just throwing salt in the wound for Camille. Everyone knows you stay in bed until you’re absolutely positive your parents have left for the day. Bold move, Lena. Oh! And maybe more importantly, Lena and Camille are twins!

Lena texts some boy and he shows up about five seconds later and they start making out two seconds after that. Things get hot and heavy real quick, but she’s not sure she wants to have sex with him. It’s not because she doesn’t want to, she tells him, but because Camille likes him too. I don’t have sisters, so I don’t know what the code is, but I would think that making out with the boy your twin sister likes and not telling her is already kind of a dick move. But the boy, like, totally loves Lena, so they decide to do it anyway.

On the bus, Camille starts acting weird just as Lena is having sex for the first time. It’s… strange. She gets out of her seat and stands by the bus door, screaming to be let off. The bus driver yells at her and when he looks back at the road, creepy little Victor is standing there smiling. The bus driver swerves to avoid him and there we are, back at the beginning.

Based on the “This season on The Returned” clip, I have a feeling I’m going to be pretty scared during a large portion of these episodes. What did you think of The Returned premiere?

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