Archive

“Episodes” recap (408): Dear Helen, Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Kthxbi.

Last week: Helen’s attempt to set a lesbian land speed record from here to Crazytown, (Let’s get a dog! Let’s gut my house and re-do it together! Ooh, I know! Let’s buy a house!) made Carol break out in hives. A normal person would’ve bailed, but Carol isn’t about to quit the two things she’s never had: attention and amazeballs sex.

It’s another day at the studio. Helen and Carol are tooling around in Helen’s golf cart when they spot Sean and Beverly. “Oh, look. Here’s your girlfriend,” Helen says pointedly. As you’ll recall, Helen is convinced Beverly is in love with Carol because a) she’s a female friend, b) she has lesbian hair, and c) Helen is a nut.

Just as Carol laughs, “She’s not my girlfriend,” Helen guns it and steers straight for Beverly, then acts like that didn’t just happen. She talks to Sean about their new show but refuses to acknowledge Beverly, except to give her the stink-eye.

You mad, bro?

Helen announces they’re late for a table read. Toodles! She throws the golf cart into Reverse and tries to take Beverly out for a second time. “You almost got me again!” Beverly exclaims. “I know!” Helen chirps happily over her shoulder as they zip off.

Beverly senses something is up and it isn’t just because Helen is older and has more insurance.

Towanda, bitch.

She tells Sean about her suspicions but her gentle, happy-go-lucky husband can’t believe it. Helen seems so nice and normal! Yeah, but that’s how they get you.

Sean: You’re saying it was deliberate?

Beverly: Well, it’s not like I’m a squirrel crossing the highway.

Sean: Oh, please.

Beverly: And did you notice she hardly looked at me? She only looked at you.

Sean: Well, I have always had a way with the lesbians. At school, they used to say that I could turn a woman gay.

I want Sean and Beverly to adopt me.

Elsewhere, Helen Wheels and Carol are still careening around the back lots when Carol gets some bad news: One of their sitcom stars died. Carol pitches Matt Leblanc to replace him because he has nothing to do since Pucks was canceled. Helen says Matt’s too old for that part, but she’d like to find something for him anyway. Carol thinks for a moment, and asks, “Are you still pissed at Merc?” It’s so hard to tell, just by looking at her face.

Is she still mad? Do lesbians love their Priuses? Helen has a secret little shit list—just ask the squirrel with the lesbian ‘do — but Merc is at the top of it for telling people about her anti-Semitic twat.

Cut to Carol, Helen and Merc meeting to discuss his terrible and stupid game show. If you think Hollywood is the only place where every person in a meeting has slept with every other person in the meeting, then you’ve never been on a lesbian steering committee.

Helen gleefully tells Merc that if he wants his show to make it onto the air, he has to hire his nemesis, Matt Leblanc.

Merc and Matt have despised each other ever since Matt slept with Merc’s blind ex-wife. Imagine if a snake with a TV show was forced to hire a mongoose to host it. That would be easier than this. And, it’s the most diabolical thing Carol has ever conceived. Oh, Carol. I don’t even recognize you anymore.

Merc: Please, I am begging you. Don’t do this. Come on! We have history.

Helen: Oh, I think we are all aware of our history.

Merc: Oh, Jesus. Is that what this is? Because she told you about-

Helen: Absolutely not. Give me some credit. I swear on my little swastika tattoo, this is nothing personal.

Honest. Nothing personal happening here.

Later, Beverly calls Carol’s office but Carol knows any contact will only fuel Helen’s crazy conspiracy theories. She instructs her assistant to stop announcing when Beverly calls, don’t write her name down anywhere, and just for shits and giggles, she gives Beverly a pet name of her own: you-know-who.

Behind her closed office door, Carol listens to Beverly’s theory that Helen tried to turn her into road kill. Carol laughs it off as Helen “having a little fun” because she needs to believe it as much as she needs Beverly to believe it.

Maybe more.

When Helen barges into her office, mid-convo, Carol pretends she’s yelling at an underling and quickly hangs up. Helen offers to fire him. And that is how Stuart the researcher ended up on unemployment, wondering what he did wrong.

A day or two later, Beverly has not let it go. She insists Carol talk to her, face to face. Carol knows the perfect spot for a chat, away from prying eyes and jealous girlfriends.

Up next on Meerkat Manor…

Carol finally admits that Helen does have a problem with Beverly, because of the being in love with her thing. They both laugh at the ridiculousness of it, until Beverly finds out it’s a one-way crush. She’s not laughing anymore. Now she’s insulted.

Beverly: In this fantasy world of hers, I’m in love with you, but you’re not in love with me.

Carol: Nope.

Beverly: Well, that’s a bit rude.

Carol: I guess she’s thinking it’s more likely that-

Beverly: What? That it would go this way, but not this way.

Carol: I don’t know. You’re the one with the lesbian haircut.

Beverly: You’re the one with the lesbian girlfriend.

But you’re the one wearing the blazer.

Later that night, Beverly tries to explain to Sean how galling it is when your lesbian-ish friend isn’t attracted to you, even though you’re straight and none of this is even real. Sean thinks that would be a good thing, right? Oh, sweet, adorable Sean, no. Beverly wants Carol to be in love with her because if she’s in love with Carol, “it would just be polite.”

Ahh. Now I understand women. Not at all.

Like an actual lesbian, Beverly wants to process with Helen about this as soon as possible, but Sean begs her to leave it alone. They have a good thing going right now with the studio and Helen, and “getting between two lesbians, or one and a half lesbians, or whatever Carol is now” would be a HUGE mistake. How huge? We’re going to have to wait for the season finale to find out.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button