“Episodes” recap (408): Dear Helen, Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Kthxbi.


Last week: Helen’s attempt to set a lesbian land speed record from here to Crazytown, (Let’s get a dog! Let’s gut my house and re-do it together! Ooh, I know! Let’s buy a house!) made Carol break out in hives. A normal person would’ve bailed, but Carol isn’t about to quit the two things she’s never had: attention and amazeballs sex.


It’s another day at the studio. Helen and Carol are tooling around in Helen’s golf cart when they spot Sean and Beverly. “Oh, look. Here’s your girlfriend,” Helen says pointedly. As you’ll recall, Helen is convinced Beverly is in love with Carol because a) she’s a female friend, b) she has lesbian hair, and c) Helen is a nut.

Just as Carol laughs, “She’s not my girlfriend,” Helen guns it and steers straight for Beverly, then acts like that didn’t just happen. She talks to Sean about their new show but refuses to acknowledge Beverly, except to give her the stink-eye.

afterellen-ep408_img1You mad, bro?

Helen announces they’re late for a table read. Toodles! She throws the golf cart into Reverse and tries to take Beverly out for a second time. “You almost got me again!” Beverly exclaims. “I know!” Helen chirps happily over her shoulder as they zip off.

Beverly senses something is up and it isn’t just because Helen is older and has more insurance.

afterellen-ep408_img2Towanda, bitch.

She tells Sean about her suspicions but her gentle, happy-go-lucky husband can’t believe it.  Helen seems so nice and normal! Yeah, but that’s how they get you.

Sean: You’re saying it was deliberate?

Beverly: Well, it’s not like I’m a squirrel crossing the highway.

Sean: Oh, please.

Beverly: And did you notice she hardly looked at me? She only looked at you.

Sean: Well, I have always had a way with the lesbians. At school, they used to say that I could turn a woman gay.

I want Sean and Beverly to adopt me.