“The Fosters” recap (2.18): A Kiss to Build a Dream On


Previously on The Fosters, Callie decided that in order to save Brandon, Daphne, and herself from spending years in jail for kidnapping she would go live with Robert. I guess I would choose upper-class privilege jail over actual prison. Lena and Monty told Timothy to pack his books and go after he trolled them with an assignment on the corporate takeover of education. Mariana staged a walkout, Jesús got offered a scholarship to an all-boys, military-style boarding school, and Brandon told Mike about his classical music scholarship. Jude and Connor touched pinkies and created enough happy thoughts to keep all of us flying high, pixie dust be damned.

It’s family meeting time. Stef and Lena are trying to put a positive spin on the news that Callie is going to live with Robert. Mariana calls it bullshit and storms off. Brandon lurks outside Callie’s room and wants to be sure she’s not leaving because of him. She feeds him the same line that she’s tired of fighting and it’s not like she won’t be around all the time. Nothing is really going to change, right? Not sure who you are trying to convince but it’s not working.

Mariana won’t look at Callie and when Callie starts to apologize, Mariana storms into the bathroom and slams the door. Callie’s cell phone rings and it’s Daphne calling to tell Callie that she told the cops about kidnapping Tasha. Now Callie doesn’t have to go live with Robert. Hooray! Oops, I mean that would have been awesome to know like a couple of hours ago before she told the judge she wanted to live at Chez Quinn.

Fosters 2181Wait, Kevin Spacey is Kaiser Soze?

Mariana is sitting in bed, updating some Faberry fanfic, coding, and organizing a protest. Lena tells her to get up, get dressed, and get her butt to school. Mariana isn’t going to to do that. She is pissed that Lena fired her favorite teacher so she and most of the sophomores will not be attending Paily Anchors Academy. Oh and she called the media for Monday. Lena, who looks out-of-this-world gorgeous, can’t believe this shit.

Fosters 2182Even my frown is flawless.

Stef offers Callie something else for breakfast while Brandon wants to know all about Jude’s new girlfriend. “Her name is Taylor, she’s a fellow unicorn, and she’s not my girlfriend.” Brandon tells Lena he isn’t going to school either on account of how all the juniors are bagging out to protest Lena firing Timothy. Lena pulls Stef into the living room and it’s Stef’s turn not to believe this shit. Once those suckers get too big to carry out to the car there isn’t much you can do. Stef offers to arrest them (something she neglected to do all the other times the kids were breaking the law) and promises Lena that the kids will be so bored at home all day they will thrilled to go to school on Monday.

Lena doesn’t believe the kids will be bored with their video games and computers and other gadgets. But then Lena gets an idea, a wonderful, awful idea. She takes all their tech toys, their phones and their routers, she takes their DVR and their wi-fi, and leaves them with landlines and a hi-fi.

Fosters 2183Next I’m taking the roast beast.

Mariana is sure that she has a constitutional right to the internet or to peaceably assemble or something that prevents her mother from taking all her shit. Let me paraphrase the Notorious RBG, “Nopety, nopety, nope.”

On this week’s episode of Felony Talk, Callie and Daphne are talking about kidnapping. Callie says it’s too late, she can’t tell Stef and Lena and besides she already told the judge she wanted to live with Robert. Of course that means it’s written in stone and she would be the first teenager to ever change her mind. Rita comes out to the porch and tells the girls to see who has come to stay. Welcome back, Carmen!

Half of the sophomores and two-thirds of the juniors have called in sick. Monty and Lena walk and talk like they are role playing Ainsley Hayes and Sam Seaborn. Lena doesn’t tell Monty she was wrong for firing Timothy, she just thinks maybe there’s more leeway for being a douchebag insubordination in an atmosphere of higher learning than in a corporation. Monty reminds Lena that this isn’t Harvard and that the kids better be in school on Monday or everyone is getting suspended. Monty is the worst Oprah ever. You get a suspension and you get a suspension!

Connor is making out with Daria right in front of Jude and Taylor and the other six students who showed up for school. Taylor’s like, “If you do a running commentary in your head with David Attenborough’s voice you can make it through this grossness.” Taylor wants to do another group thing but Jude is like “I will be out of town on any and all occasions when I might have to watch this fucking channel.” Connor doesn’t believe Jude is really going camping so Jude shout “I like s’mores, dammit!” and storms off on his Pegasus.

Fosters 2184Nope, I tried. I cannot be any cuter.

Carmen can’t believe that Callie has to go live with Robert. Same, girl, same. They catch up on the old crew. Gabi saw Kiara working the streets. They basically have to tie Callie to a chair to keep her from throwing on a mask and cape and running after Kiara. Rita tells Callie they are not in the business of chasing after people. If Kiara wants to come back to Girls United she has to make that choice for herself. Callie says Kiara didn’t have a choice but Rita says we always have a choice, even if that choice sucks balls.

Fosters 2185

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