“Episodes” recap (407): Beep, Beep. Someone is Backing Up the U-Haul

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Later at “home,” Helen is plating take-out for dinner while Carol self-medicates with a doob the size of a Sharpie. Helen announces they should a dog. We get a rare glimpse into Carol’s childhood: They had bird named Louise and her sister taught it to say, “We’re going to crash!”

Carol asks where would the dog live? Every lesbian worth her L Word box set knows where this is going. Helen assumes Carol is going to U-Haul it into her place.

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Helen: What I was thinking was, we get rid of all my shit, and re-do the whole thing together.

Carol: What? That’s crazy!

Helen: No it’s not! Not if you’re going to live here! Or! Or, we buy a whole new place… Oh, what about the beach! Image the two of us coming home from work and there’s the ocean, there’s the sunset, and the puppy’s waiting for us…

Carol:  [choking] WE’RE GOING TO CRASH!

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Maybe it’s Bev’s advice, maybe it’s the smoky courage, but Carol finally admits it’s all too, too much. Carol tells Helen she’s great but she can’t move this damn fast. Carol’s foray into truthiness is met with the Stone Cold Glare of Death.

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Helen starts putting away the Chinese food in a huff. “I just assumed you were where I was,” Helen snipes, as she slaps the lo mein back into its carton. So, dinner is off?

Carol hates confrontation more than low ratings and starts backpedaling. She is where Helen is, just behind her, like 50 miles back, into last Thursday. Helen is unmoved. Finally, Carol plays the last card she has: the ‘this-is-all-so-new-to-me card. But it only makes things worse when it sounds like Carol’s lumping Helen in with the guys she’s used to. Except the sex part, of course. “Believe me, I’m loving all that stuff.”

afterellen-ep407_img8Ya know. Down there.

Helen gives Carol the silent treatment, which is the worst thing you can do to anyone. Finally, Carol softens and admits she’s scared by how much she cares for Helen. Bingo. Helen smiles and hugs her. Dinner is back on.

The hug is short-lived. Carol mentions her chat with Beverly. Helen backs off and warns Carol that Beverly is not on their side. Why?  Because Beverly is in love with Carol. That is the craziest thing Helen has said all day, and that’s saying something. Carol replies that Beverly is straight, and hello? Married! Helen scoffs, “Oh please, look at her hair.”

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She’s not wrong.

Next week: Will Helen’s love drive Carol to buy a lifetime supply of Cortizone 10 in the name of happiness? Only two more episodes left.

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