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“The Fosters” recap (2.16): “Race to the top”

Previously on The Fosters: Brandon wanted to go on tour, Mariana played adoption matchmaker with Ana’s baby, Jude and Connor held pinkies and the entire world was bathed in the glow of perfect unicorn love, and Callie got questioned by the cops and did the sensible thing by calling the rich, white, straight, privileged dad to help her out.

Outside the Burger Palace the cops are questioning Callie about the wind-up toy that she may or may not have given to Daphne who may or may not have given it to her daughter when she kidnapped her. It’s a lot of allegations and Callie’s lawyer, who I was shocked to see isn’t a Hastings, says those toys are literally a dime a dozen and they should come back when they have some proof.

Robert drives Callie home-ish. She asks him to park up the block lest anyone think she was actually spending time with him. He tells her not to tell anyone about whatever it was that happened with the Happy Meal toy and the possible kidnapping. He tells her he is happy to use his privilege any time she needs it because it makes him feel useful and not at all like the dickbag who is trying to rip Callie out of her current home.

Callie walks in and Stef asks her what she has to say for herself. Callie starts to freak a little but then the moms just congratulate her for being the only kid who has a job and who gets up before noon on a Saturday. Callie is just picking up an early shift so she can volunteer at the foster kid center later. The moms tell her not to wear herself out with all her do-gooding around town. Oh and, by the way, Daphne is upstairs waiting to commit a couple more crimes with you.

Mat and Brandon are discussing their gig later. It’s at a pharm party and the band has agreed to give whatever money they make to Brandon for his fund to go on tour with them. He’s touched by the gesture but doesn’t want Mariana anywhere near a party where people take random prescriptions out of a giant bowl. Mat is terrified of Mariana and says Brandon should be, too.

The moms are chatting with Mariana about her little field trip to convince Ana to let them adopt her baby. Mariana doesn’t understand why there is any question about her plan. It’s genius, like her, and it will give them the baby they wanted. Oh sweet Mariana, it’s not that simple. But you took in Callie and Jude without a second thought and this baby is going to be my sister, she says. She stomps up the stairs.

Stef and Lena are insulating themselves from making a decision. Mike is going to flip, Ana will probably change her mind, there are a million reasons this is a bad idea. Lena didn’t just want a baby, she wanted the experience of carrying a baby and giving birth and having a biological connection to a child. She wanted everything Stef has (except the ex-husband).

Upstairs, Callie pulls out one of her Spencer Hastings inspired outfits and Daphne says she doesn’t want to look like an uptight WASP: She just wants to look a little bit nice for her daughter (and maybe not look too much like the lady who snatched her from the playground).

Jesús is being recruited to wrestle at an all-boys prep school. He’s not so sure about the all-boys part but he likes the idea of a school that teaches boys by playing grammar dodgeball and doing some chemistry rock climbing. But school is expensive and the moms have more kids than the old woman who lived in a shoe. Prep school guy laughs and tells Jesús he’s offering a full scholarship.

Mariana is trying to get her brand new contact into her eye. Brandon can’t stand to watch but he tells her that she cannot under any circumstances come on tour with them. She tells him that’s not exactly his decision since he is in charge of absolutely nothing. He tries everything he can to convince her not to go on tour and then not to go to the gig later that night. Oh Brandon, if it’s too rough of a crowd for me, don’t you think moms will think it’s too rough for you? Mariana schooling Brandon is my new favorite thing.

At the foster center Daphne is super nervous about seeing Tasha. What if she remembers being kidnapped? Callie tells her that they can never talk about that again. A lady walks in with Tasha and Daphne asks if it’s OK to give the little girl a hug. I can’t imagine having to ask a stranger for permission to hug my own kid.

Lena bounces down the stairs into the kitchen telling Stef all the places their kids are going to be that night. The best part is that none of them is going to be at home. Stef wants nothing to do with any kind of food that might be filling, spicy, or otherwise hamper her attempts to have sex with her wife. Lena thinks it’s mighty presumptuous of Stef to think she is going to get laid. It’s been a while and Lena is gorgeous and well, Stef would really like it if maybe…Lena says hurry up and get the good wine, babe.

Lu shows up to Brandon’s room and is relieved to hear that he and Mat have already loaded up all the gear. He thanks her for convincing everyone to give him the money from the gig. She wants him to come on tour with them. He wants her to go without him if he can’t raise the money. That’s big of you, dude, since it’s her band and all.

Raphael asks Callie how long she has been in foster care. He was a foster kid for eight years before he aged out of the system. Callie has been in the system for six years. He was inspired to go to grad school and become a social worker so he could help. Before they can chat more they hear shouting outside. Tasha’s foster mom is there yelling like a Rosewood pharmacist about how she knows Daphne took Tasha and how she is going to make sure the cops figure it out. In the middle of the chaos, Tasha yells, “Mommy!” and runs out of the sandbox to her foster mom. Daphne looks heartbroken. As the foster mom leaves she tells Daphne if she really loves her daughter she will let her go.

Mariana is getting a hard time from the bouncer. He wants her to pay the cover despite her protests that she’s with the band. When he asks her for a pill, Mat swoops in and confirms that she’s with the band. She’s pissed that the bouncer believes Mat because he’s a guy. She’s also pissed that she wore denim because she thought this was going to be more like the hoedown on PLL. But instead of Paige McCullers’ epic belt buckle and TSwizzle she’s surrounded by something much more post-apocalyptic and a band singing about how tomorrow they will all be dead. On cue, Lu takes a handful of who knows what from the bowl of pills and tells Brandon to lighten up.

Daphne can’t understand why the cops haven’t talked to her yet. Callie tells her that they are trying to get their evidence all lined up but as long as Daphne stay cool there’s no way she’ll get into trouble. Daphne is like, “You know I have no chill!” That’s why Callie didn’t tell you she got grilled by the cops. Oh man, this is not going to end well at all. When Daphne walks home the detectives hop out of their car and flash their badges.

Mariana hops up next to Brandon and tells him this is a p-h-a-r-m party. He tells her that’s why he didn’t want her to come. Mat asks Mariana to wish him luck and then asks if she is winking in some kind of ironic way that he can’t understand. She says no, she just has something-but not a contact-in her eye. Not really sure why contacts are a thing she needs to keep a secret. She run off to find a bathroom and the bouncer directs her to the pothole behind the third dumpster. That’s the same directions that the Liars got to go find that fake mask maker dude in the woods. While off looking for a shiny, reflective surface so she can put her eyeball back in, Mariana gets locked in a storage space because of course she does.

Callie is cleaning up the center with Raphael. She is ready to take the bus home but he offers to drive. She says sure until he starts asking eleven billion questions about Daphne that Callie can’t answer without going directly to jail. Her phone rings and she tells the person on the other end to slow down.

Back at the Peach Pit After Dark, Brandon and Lu are singing a song that isn’t about outlaws for once, Mat is looking for Mariana in the crowd, and Mariana is looking for a way out. Instead of a way out he finds a girl passed out in a corner. Lu flubs a lyric and Brandon looks concerned and annoyed. Lu just laughs. Mariana has bigger problems to deal with since the girl she’s trapped with starts seizing.

Back at home Stef and Lena are pairing a nice bottle of red wine with some fruit pouches. They are talking about their sex life. Stef says she’s not complaining but really she doesn’t want them to tempt Lesbian Bed Death. Ever the charmer, she suggests they get naked and make it happen. Lena grabs the bottle of wine and says, “Last one in bed has to be the top.” Seriously, I’m not even making that up.

Stef and Lena are lying in bed not exactly post-orgasms. Maybe Lena drank too much wine, maybe Stef is a big faker. Stef says she had an “emotional orgasm” (that lie totally worked when she was with Mike). Stef didn’t want Lena to feel bad so she embellished a little. Lena says, look I know not everything is super exciting. Hell, I pretend to care about the GD Padres for you. But when it’s just us and we’re talking about how we feel or how I make you feel maybe the truth is the best way to go.

Stef does the usual thing where she says the wrong thing. I mean, you could set your watch by her ability to put her foot in her mouth. She says that sex is harder the longer you are together because it’s not all new and exciting anymore. Oh Stef. I can’t stop shaking my head at you. Lena, because she is the most perfect lesbian Tami Taylor on the planet says, “Well, I get excited every time you walk through the door.” You can see yourself out, Coach. Maybe the sex isn’t all new but it’s better because (faking orgasms aside) they actually know what works for them.

They cuddle and chat about how they need to take care of themselves as a couple so they don’t wake up in a couple years in an empty house and barely know each other anymore. Well, the house won’t be so empty if they adopt Ana’s baby.

My wife and I have been together for almost 16 years and Stef and Lena really are the first lesbian couple that we have seen on TV or in movies where I have felt like they were like us. They’re the Coach and Tami Taylor we have been waiting for. There can be a shitstorm around them and they can say the wrong thing, they can do the wrong thing, but you know they’re going to work it out because they are miles better together than they are apart.

Sometimes we spend so much time telling people that being gay isn’t just about sex that we forget that a big part of being gay is about sex. Our relationships do not boil down to who is doing what to whom in the bedroom (or the kitchen table or on that couch or in the car etc). But that doesn’t mean that sex isn’t really important, especially if you are going to have a relationship that lasts a decade (or five decades).

When you spend most of your time running around trying to keep several teenagers out of jail and others from getting pregnant or impregnating someone else it’s easy to fall into a relationship in which you are just a team of firefighters trying to keep the house from caving in. You need that time where it’s just the two of you together, drinking wine, eating lunch box snacks, racing to see who gets to be the bottom, and having sex. Sometimes you just need that reminder in the midst of all that day-to-day chaos of why you chose that person to be the one for you. It can take off those smudgy protective glasses you’ve been wearing to put the fires out and let you take a look with fresh eyes at that woman who picked you and who you promised to love forever. She’s pretty hot, and probably better that you deserve.

Brandon spots Callie at the concert. Mariana called her from the storage unit because obviously you can’t count on any of the dudes she’s there with to help her out. Cops show up and people start to run. Once they see that Mariana is OK, brandon sends Callie away with Raphael so she won’t get into trouble.

Back at home, Brandon is pissed they didn’t get paid and Mariana tells him that she’s sorry if saving a girl’s life cut into his fun or his bottom line. Ten points for Ravenclaw! Brandon and Lu fight because she took a bunch of pills and he is worried she could have been the girl in the storage space. She was reckless and it scared him. Meanwhile, Mat is busy telling Mariana she can’t come on tour with them. He can’t focus on playing music when she’s around. She’s upset but she’ll get over it.

Mariana pops her glasses on and then sends Jesús to talk to the moms about adopting Ana’s baby. The moms are sitting in bed looking adorable when he walks in. They say the only reason they would consider adopting the baby is because she’s the twins’ little sister. But they have so many legal fees from fighting to adopt Callie it’s hard enough to feed their family (although, where the hell is Jude? Out of town again?). Jesús asks what they would do if they had one less kid to feed.

Raphael walks Callie to the door. She tells him that she didn’t get adopted because her birth father is a jackass, but now he’s helping her with this thing she can’t talk about and she feels kind of weird. She can’t tell her foster family about it-any of it-or else it would ruin lives. So instead she walks into the kitchen where Stef and Lena are freaking out about Jesús maybe going to boarding school and tells them she wants to move in with Robert.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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