This week on Marry Me, Kay thinks her girlfriend Hailey is “such a bitch.” That is, if by “bitch” you mean super romantic and thoughtful. You see, Hailey’s planning a big Valentine’s Day surprise and it proves to be too much pressure for Kay, who has never had a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. Kay comes over to Jake and Annie’s to rant about it while Jake is trying to convince Annie to throw out old food that’s been in their fridge for God knows how long.
Annie admits that she has a hard time throwing out food because she is a child of the depression: the depression her Dads went through when Golden Girls was cancelled. They stopped cooking and she had to eat whatever food she could squirrel away in her caboodle. When Kay points out that one of the takeout boxes in her fridge is from a restaurant that closed down a year ago, Annie relents.
“It’s dangerous to keep food too long,” Kay says. “My neighbor’s uncle’s friend ate an expired English muffin. Turns out it was riddled with fungus that spread to his head and he had to have his entire face scooped out. He went to sleep and when he woke up-no face! Just a big scoopy hole!”
“Ew!” exclaims Annie. “Oh my God! Thank you, Kay! We’ve got to get rid of all of this!” She starts chucking out the food.
Later, the gang are at the Kevins’ apartment for their annual President’s Day party. Gil asks Kay why Hailey isn’t with her and Kay complains that Hailey is probably off planning some amazing, spectacular V-day surprise.
Jake brags that, as usual, he’s going to crush Valentine’s Day. He got reservations for he and Annie at the molecular gastronomy restaurant, Wait for It, a 25-course, four-hour dining experience that specializes in caper vaper, cream cheese foam and deep-dish pizza noise. Dennah is jealous. She’s always wanted to try weird science food. Kay, on the other hand, is impressed that Jake was even able to score a reservation there since it’s impossible to get into. Jake admits that he had to book his reservation one whole year in advance and put down a super expensive, non-refundable deposit, but it was worth it.
Annie agrees while she scoops up some popcorn with her tongue. Jake jokes that Annie looks like a frog when she tongues her popcorn and suggests she uses her hands, but Annie says she doesn’t want to get oil on her fingers.
Kay concurs; it’s not a good look. She tells Annie that she looks like a cartoon lizard, using her tongue as a “corn grabber.” Besides, the use of a woman’s tongue should be saved for special occasions. Annie agrees and immediately starts using her hands to scoop up her popcorn. While the ladies all go off to make a drink, Jake tells Gil about the pattern he is noticing. Whenever he suggests something to Annie, she stubbornly refuses to change. Yet, when Kay suggests a change to Annie, she quickly accepts it. This gives him an idea.
The next day, Jake shows up at Kay’s house while she is eating a bowl of Bisquick batter, which I thought was weird but is apparently a thing. Jake wants to use Kay’s influence to make some changes in Annie’s behavior. You know, just little things like the way she over-pronounces the word “croissant.” Kay agrees that it is a lot easier to take criticism from a friend than a romantic partner, but she’s not sure she wants to get all up in Annie and jake’s “bidness.” Yet when Jake offers to help Kay plan a Valentine’s Day surprise for Hailey, she agrees.
Cut to Kay hanging out with Annie as she folds laundry. Kay complains that she can’t get a Valentine’s reservation anywhere except at 10:30 pm American Girl Doll Café, and then they would have to buy dolls. As Annie carefully lines up her socks to fold them, Kay critiques her technique.
“So Annie, what’s with the socks? You’re folding them like Rain Man packing for sleep-away camp. You should ball them-be a baller.”
“Why?” asks Annie.
“Well, makes way more room in your sock drawer for you and Jake. Plus, you won’t lose as many. After I started balling, my sock budget dropped by 42.6%. Yeah, I’m really into Quicken.”
But after successfully getting Annie to start balling her socks and stop over-pronouncing “croissant,” she takes it a bit too far when she tries to direct Annie in her bedroom technique. Annie realizes that Jake is putting Kay up to all the changes she is suggesting and turns Kay on Jake. Later, when Jake comes over to Kay’s place to help her prepare for Valentine’s Day, Kay successfully suggests he stop wearing tank tops, stop catching his burps in his hands (they’re not rare butterflies) and quoting Howard Stern three times a conversation. Jake and Annie are both happy with the changes that each of them have made until Jake tells Annie that he “has never loved her more.”
Annie is offended thinking that Jake loved her less before she made the changes. Annie takes the old food out of the trash and puts it back in the fridge. Jake struts around wearing a tank top. Annie un-balls her socks and throws them at Jake. It’s mayhem!
When the Kevins come over to borrow Gary Marshall‘s Valentine’s Day, they see Annie and Jake mid-fight and try to back out of the apartment slowly, but they are trapped and forced to play mediators. The Kevins confess that they think both Annie and Jake are wrong. They should not use Kay to do their dirty work, and instead learn to sandwich their criticisms between compliments to make to make it easier for their partner to hear. Annie and Jake realize that the Kevins are right.
That night, Jake and Annie are enjoying a quiet Valentine’s Day at home. Annie tells Jake that suggesting they stay home was a great idea. Jake says that it wasn’t his idea. Sure, he suggested it-but only because Kay planted Annie’s idea in his head. Wait: Kay planted that idea in Annie’s head so she thought it was what Jake really wanted.
Cut to Kay and Hailey all dressed up at Wait for It.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart!” Kay tells Hailey. They kiss.
Hailey, looking hot in a black cut-out dress, asks, “How did you get us in here?”
“It was not easy,” Kay responds. “No, actually it was really easy.”
A waiter stops by the table. “More filet mignon essence, Mr. Shuffman?” He asks.
“Yes, please,” answers Kay.
The waiter sprays a mist into Kay and Hailey’s mouths.
“Mmm. That is the best filet mignon I’ve ever not had,”says Hailey.
A pause and then…
“I’m starving!” Kay confesses.
Hailey agrees, “I know, right?!?”
The couple decides to go grab something real to eat.
