Archive

“The Fosters” recap (2.14): Camp Clitorference

Previously on The Fosters, Lena told Mariana, “When you’re born a Hermione, don’t waste your time pretending to be a Lavender Brown.” Cagney and Lacey pulled Kiara out of a messed-up foster home and then figured out a maybe-not-quite-legal way to make sure she didn’t have to go back. Their efforts were for naught since Kiara took the midnight train to Georgia. Callie might not graduate since her previous school transcripts got sent to Area 51 and she got so mad at the system she almost chucked it all to run off with the hair model. Instead she gave him his wall back and dared him to stick around. Jesús discovered Ana is pregnant, Mariana quit the dance team to start a better one with Tia, and Jude was Out of Town.

Princess Mariana hates camping, the idea of camping, bugs, the dark, and anything that takes her away from her creature comforts. Callie has never been camping but knows a thing or twelve about going without creature comforts. Jude says, “I had a pretty good time on my camping trip with Connor (but now he won’t talk to me, so that sucks).” Mariana says she should be home so she can audition dancers for her new dance group but shh don’t tell Hayley who is across the hall sucking Jesús’ face off.

Hayley is mad that Jesús is going on a family camping trip on the weekend she has her house to herself. Stef opens the door and asks why the hell is was closed in the first place. Hayley says she has to go and Stef gives her the old, “Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?” routine.

Stef bounces into the kitchen and tells Lena that the kids should leave their phone at home so that they aren’t live-tweeting or twerking the camping trip. Lena laughs and shows Stef what twerking is all about. Stef’s brain shorts out for a second but she recovers fast enough to give Lena a slap on the ass and ponder what other moves Lena might not have shown her yet.

Lena thinks they should just let the kids wean themselves off their phones the natural way, by losing reception. Stef is sick of having to be the enforcer while Lena is super fun times mom. Lena objects. It’s not her fault that she has an abundance of empathy and the face of an angel. Besides, the kids totally talk to Stef. Nope, when they want a hug, they run to Lena. When they need help getting out of multiple felonies, then they go to Stef.

Callie steps onto the porch carrying a sleeping bag, a couple of duffle bags, and a goddamn partridge in a pear tree. Brandon and Lu are saying goodbye by frenching like a couple of, well, teenagers. Brandon gets all flustered and Callie just tries to get the hell off the porch.

Jesús scored the passenger seat in Lena’s car and is trying to ignore his mom on the drive. She asks him how things are going with wrestling and Hayley and how did he like going to Alateen? He blurts out that Ana is pregnant. Geez, the passenger seat of Lena’s car must have magical properties. Teenagers can’t keep a secret while sitting there.

Ana is at the doctor’s getting an ultrasound and learning the sex of her baby. She’s having a girl. Mike says, “She’s got your eyes” and ultrasound tech is like, “Um, those are her feet, genius.” Discussion topic: Ana is a step up from Dani. Agree or disagree?

Lena is still grilling Jesús in the car. Who has he told about Ana? Will he be 30 by the time he is done being grounded? She says he should really tell Stef because it’s the right thing to do. He doesn’t want to because Stef gets mad. Lena tells him that she gets mad too just not in a yelling and losing her shit kind of way. She gets mad in a dignified “I’m going to build a pillow fort” kind of way. Lena suggests that he lie and tell Stef that he came to her first. Oh, Lena, this is sort of the dumbass idea Stef usually has.

Mariana is showing off her fabulous tent to Callie. It has a chandelier for Christ’s sake. If she were Brandon we would all suspect she was trying to get into Callie’s pants. On the other side of the camp ground, Stef is trying to set up far enough away from her spawn so she can get into Lena’s pants. She twerks like she got electrocuted, makes wild animal noises, and then something that sounds vaguely like a sick chicken. Hey, I’m not judging, whatever works for you, ladies. Just as they are about to kiss the teenagers show up to run clitorference. Maybe they should have booked themselves a room in a hotel instead.

Jude unzips the tent and catches a glimpse of Jesús’ tattoo. Jesús tries to convince Jude that it’s magic marker. Jude is baby-faced, not a freaking moron, Jesús. He promises not to tell the moms and Jesús pops on a shirt to cover it up. When Stef asks Jesús is doing wearing the rash guard, Mariana whips out a three page article about how the best way to protect your skin is by covering it. Jesús owes her forever.

Brandon rope swings into the pond. Jude is about to go in but Callie tells him to be careful, don’t go too far from the shore because it’s not like a pool, pond water is extra dangerous, or some such BS. Jude decides not to go into the lake of micro-management.

Stef is breaking the “news” to Lena that Ana is pregnant. Lena is pretending that she doesn’t know all of this already. It’s like the time all the Friends know that Chandler and Monica are hooking up and are like, “What! This is brand new information!” Stef doesn’t think Mike is the father because he couldn’t possibly be that stupid. God, Stef, you were married to him, you should know he is plenty stupid to pull that.

Jesús is texting with Hayley who is lurking at the next campsite over because she’s a stage five clinger and can’t bear to spend time away from him. Stef is digging through her backpack like some kind of Paige McCullers on a hunt for a coconut cupcake. She has to know if Mike’s the father of Ana’s baby. Lena can’t believe the woman who wanted them all to leave their phones at home is rifling through her bag because she needs a fix. Lena looks up and sees that all the kids are texting she takes matters into her own hands. She confiscates the phones and demands they all have fun together. Stef says they are all going fishing. And they are all going to have fish for dinner (not a euphemism).

They manage to catch a single minnow for dinner. Callie tells Jude to put some bug spray on and then blasts him with it. She also cuts his dinner for him and feeds him one bite at a time, making airplane noises. Jesús tries to sneak off to intercept crazy pants stalker before she shows up at the campsite but Stef and Lena won’t let him go off without a buddy since it’s dark and there are bears. Mariana says, “What the what?” Unless they mean Eddie from Looking, she didn’t sign up for bears, people.

Around the campfire Callie is playing “She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Mountain.” Callie and that guitar are going to do so well with lesbians in college. The moms sing extra loud because they’re hoping someone will be coming in their tent later. Brandon explains to Jude how to make the perfect s’more like he’s four years old. Jude snaps because he doesn’t need to be mallowsplained by this dipshit who lit his marshmallow on fire. Mariana asks Brandon to play that song he wrote for Lu that they sang at the party. The moms perk up at the mention of a party. Nice, Mariana. She tries to get out of it and Callie tells Brandon she means “Outlaws,” which he wrote for her back when they were making out on the regular while she was running away and stealing candy bars and stuff. He says he didn’t write that song for Lu, but no one cares. Just shut up and sing.

Apparently, this is the first the moms have heard of Brandon dating Lu. Looks like they have a little more to chat about for the tour. Brandon counters that they can do the sex at home, whenever they want anyway so what’s the big deal? Stop talking and sing! Jesús thinks they all should turn in for the night so he can go looking for Hayley so they can get up to see the sunrise.

Brandon makes a shockingly good decision not to sneak out with Jesús. Jude offers to go to the bathroom with Jesús but Jesús says don’t be such a rule-follower, Judicorn. Maybe if you two MENSA members listened to Jude more you’d be less felonious and less permanently inked.

Stef sneaks her phone out of her bag and tells Lena she is going to check the campsite one last time. Instead she calls Mike. Stef, you could be making out with your hot wife but you chose to call your ex-husband? Get your priorities straight, lady! Mike doesn’t answer, but he wakes Ana up and tells her that she can stay over and, frankly, she should just move in.

Jude wakes Brandon up and tells him that Jesús has been gone for over an hour. Brandon gets up to go look for his idiot brother but tells Jude to stay behind. When they aren’t back after a while Jude gets up and finds him moms. They go looking for their sons and when they aren’t in the bathroom they brainstorm for a hot second before Hayley wanders up and says, “Mrs. Adams Fosters!” You in danger, girl.

Brandon and Jesús have no sense of direction at all and are wandering the woods like a couple of Pretty Little Liars. They find something worse than a bear: They find Stef, Lena, and Hayley. Stef wakes up the next morning with Lena on one side and Hayley asleep at her feet. Good lord. Brandon didn’t tell on Jesús because he’s “not a narc,” but the moms inform him that his lack of judgment isn’t going to get him on that tour bus. Sadly, they can’t just put Hayley on a bus so they are stuck with her for the day.

Hayley sits down next to Mariana and they chat about how much it sucks that Hayley’s mom is off with her boyfriend and how great it was when Mariana walked out on Caitlin and the dance team. Hayley sure wishes she had done the same.

Callie teases Brandon for being a moron. He grumbles and tries to build a fire so he can make breakfast. Callie picks up the lighter fluid and douses the wood. Brandon jumps back and is like, “Woah, dude! As far as metaphors for your impulsive behavior, this is a good one.” Callie stalks off after Jude. She tells him to watch out for water and he’s like, “Um, I’m going swimming, stupid.” She wades in after him and he lets her have it. He’s not a baby and she better stop treating him like one. He tells Brandon he didn’t narc on them either but next time they can get eaten by a bear for all he cares. So say we all, Judicorn.

Brandon and Callie are having a dockside heart to heart like Joey and Pacey. Callie says those Jacob kids sure are explosive, eh? Brandon apologizes for being a douche and she just wants things to be less weird. She doesn’t care if he makes out with Lu. He brings up how hard it was to watch her with Wyatt. She reminds him that she’s not pining after him. She just wants them to be able to talk about stuff like why he likes Lu. He says she is smart and has a good personality and Callie says, “And she’s hot and sexy.” So you noticed that, Callie?

Mariana is teaching Hayley all their moves which is totally not going to blow up in her face later when Hayley teaches them to the other group. It’s some kind of dystopian robot nonsense. Hayley is so stoked to switch teams (dance teams, not like other kinds of teams). She says she wants to be there for Mariana because her life sucks with Ana being pregnant and Mike maybe being the father. Hayley has a bright future as a pharmacist in Rosewood.

Mariana storms over and all the secrets come out. Stef can’t believe Hayley knew, Lena can’t believe Jesús told someone else, Stef can’t believe he lied about telling Stef first. Mariana says, “Yeah, well, this idiot has a tattoo” and drops the mic. The moms can’t believe he got a tattoo at a street festival. He was just trying to show Hayley how much he liked her. Lena says, “That’s what jewelry is for, Jesús!” Stef wants to arrest the guy who did the tattoo. Lena tries to calm Stef down who tells her to stop making her be the “disciplinarian dad” in the family. “Stef, we agreed not to be heteronormative!”

Now it’s time for the moms to have the fight that’s been simmering for a while. The kids come to Lena because she’s easy and soft and it means Stef has to be the one to lay down the law. Lena says Stef’s terrifying when she’s pissed and of course the kids don’t come to her. Well, shit, Lena, don’t sugarcoat anything. Stef need to make them feel safe enough to come talk to her.

Have you noticed that when Stef and Lena fight they always throw a verbal jab and then back off of it? Lena says, “You can also be intimidating to talk to but you make everyone feel safe.” We’re used to big, nasty fights on TV. Couples who fight often want to land haymaker after haymaker. Not on this show. Couples that have been together for a long time (and want to stay together) figure out how to fight without leaving lasting damage. Stef and Lena are fighting but they are fighting about how they can be better parents. Lena isn’t trying to hurt Stef, she just wants Stef to listen better. So she says something that maybe hurts and then backs off of it because tearing Stef down isn’t the goal. If she breaks Stef into tiny, sharp pieces, what will be left to put her arms around?

Jesús and Hayley are talking about how much the moms hate her and she blames Mariana. Yeah, you’re right psycho, it’s totally her fault. Jesús tells Hayley that he does a lot of stuff, like getting a tattoo, that he doesn’t want to do just to make her happy and that they should break up. She storms off and tells Jesús to tell Mariana to fuck off with her dance team. Yeah, that routine is as good as gone.

Stef finds Mariana basking in the wonderfulness of camping. Mariana starts crying that maybe if she never found Ana none of this would have happened. Ana can’t take care of a baby, not even with Mike’s help. Oh, poor Mariana. This isn’t something you have to worry about, kiddo.

Mike is making Ana orange juice and invites her to stay. She says it’s not right since he’s not even the baby’s father. But he tells her that she can stay until she’s ready to have a place of her own with the baby. Taking care of a newborn isn’t easy and he wants to help. No strings attached, just a friendly offer.

Back at the watering hole, Jude takes a turn on the rope swing. Callie follows and when the rest of the family saunters over they all get chucked in one after another. If this family doesn’t make your heart grow three sizes you might want to see a doctor.

Back by popular request, here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button