Previously on The Fosters, the Quinns got so wrapped up in getting their baby back, baby back, baby back that they were oblivious to the fact that Sophia was suicidal. Lena and Stef got mad at each other, built the great wall of throw pillows, and then made up when Tyra told them they were both still in the running toward being the biggest dumbass. Brandon wanted to go on tour with the band, Jude maybe, sort of told the truth about what happened in the tent with Connor, Lena got her job back, and shit continued to rain down on Callie in biblical proportions. A plague of locusts? Nope, a plague of disappointing adults. Oh, and Ana is pregnant and Maury will be on this week’s episode to tell us who the father is.
This week Callie is having a heart-to-heart with the moms about the fact that she can’t catch a damn break. She may have to repeat a bunch of classes because the system sucks and her transcripts were given to CeCe Drake to hand deliver and, like Spencer’s UPenn application, probably ended up lining the floor of Tippi’s birdcage.
They promise Callie that they will fix this and make sure no one ever takes her out of their house. Callie says that’s cute but Santa isn’t real and neither is the Tooth Fairy. Last year she got yanked out of their house because they forgot to renew their foster license so their promises are worth approximately two pots of leprechaun gold. They can take their promises and shove them.
Mariana bops in and lets everyone know that she got the best marks in her class on the math test and there is going to be a whole celebration in her honor and wait, why isn’t everyone more excited? She says fine, everyone else can be excited about it and, by the way, she got invited to be in a special group for certified geniuses. She flounces out to get ready for dinner, a little peeved that she’s not the chosen one. When Callie follows her, Stef and Lena say they love her and she stops just short of rolling her eyes. Lena says they have to help Callie graduate because it’s important for foster kids. Stef is like, “Hold up—‘foster’ kid?” Lena, it may be rational to protect yourself this way, but Stef doesn’t work that way. She was all in with Callie even when she was busy huffing and puffing about not letting Callie stay that first night.
Callie gets a call in the middle of the night and rushes in to ask Stef to help her. Stef and a couple of cops bust down a door where a guy is holding a knife and threatening a couple. Stef demands to know where the kids are and finds Kiara and a couple of other kids holed up in a bedroom. Back at the Adams Foster’s, Kiara tells Callie and Mariana about her fucked up night and she and Callie commiserate over getting jerked around by the system, while Mariana feels guilty about her comparatively charmed life.
Callie finds Wyatt at school staring at the vending machine like the Doritos might be talking to him. She asks if he’s being a dipshit because they broke up and he is all snarly and grouchy with her. (But his hair still looks amazing.)
Lena and Sir Spermothy the Irritating are sitting in her office chatting over some falafel. He claims his chick pea balls are better than the ones Lena brought. Dude, basta! Lena tells him that Monty is OK as a principal since she’s letting Lena take care of the academics. Lena and Monty wrestling for control is so wrong but I think I am going to enjoy watching.
Jesús apologizes to Hailey for missing her split twerking. He tells her that Ana is pregnant. When she asks who the dad is, Jesús is confronted with the possibility that Mike may be the father of Brandon and of his biological half-sibling. If this gets any soapier, we may have to call Dr. Drake Remoray to help sort it out.
Mariana pops into the meeting of the Nerd Avengers and sits next to Emma. When the teacher asks a question that has the rest of the group scratching their heads, Mariana says, “The limit does not exist,” which is absolutely correct. Emma is surprised Mariana is there and not as much of a dunderhead as her twin. Emma thinks the real reason Jesús broke up with her is because she is smarter, a better wrestler, and has better eyebrows.
Brandon is giving Mike and the moms the pitch for why he should be allowed to go on tour with the band. He promises that they will do SAT prep and only stay in nice hotels and pick up litter and help old ladies cross the street. Mike and Lena are ready to shut him down but Stef says maybe they should get him out of the house. Jesús charges in and asks what the hell Mike is doing there (hopefully not impregnating any of his moms, thank you very much). Stef calls him on his rudeness. Jesús apologizes but leaves before he imagines Mike and Ana together.