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“Glee” recap (6.4): Da Bears

Let me be frank with you, Gaysharks. Every series has their excellent episodes, and their clunkers. Not every episode is going to be an Emmy contender. But sometimes, there is an episode so groanworthy, so tone deaf, so unlikeable, that you can’t quite believe that it came from the same writers’ room as the one before it. For me, that episode is “The Hurt Locker, Part One.” I watched the responses on Twitter and it appears that many Glee fans were left scratching their heads on this one as well. I know I promised to be a kinder, gentler recapper this season, but I simply cannot let this one go by without a more critical tone. I hope you’ll understand.

OK, here we go.

Will Schuester, bless his heart, foolishly thinks that he and Sue Sylvester are now buddies now that she’s no longer threatened by him. Why he’d want to be friends with a woman who tried on numerous occasions to get him fired, and destroy his livelihood, is beyond me, but let’s throw the guy a bone. As for Sue, Will is no longer a threat, but that doesn’t mean she still doesn’t like to play with her food. When Will leaves behind an unused plastic fork on table, Sue loses her goddamn mind.

She grabs Becky and the two of them take a ride in Sue’s Le Car, down to a storage unit. Sue casually mentions possibly retiring in the near future, but before then, she must exact her revenge on Rachel, Will, and pretty much everyone. Sue has constructed a vision board of rage, and it’s something out of CSI or Pretty Little Liars.

Except, Klaine. Yes, it turns out that Sue is the biggest Klaine shipper of them all. I always thought that Sue had a soft spot for Kurt, but this is news. Sue will do what’s in her power to reunite the men, and hopefully score a sweet gig as a flower girl at their wedding.

To kickstart her quest, she calls Kurt into her office to discuss her intentions of helping him get Blaine back. Kurt, being the gentleman that he is, politely declines her assistance, and swears that he does not want to get back together with Blaine. Well, we know that’s not the case, but it’s wise of Kurt to try and keep Sue as far away from his love life as possible. Sue then mentions that she booked an invitational with the Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline with the hopes of undermining New Directions. Sigh.

Will and Rachel wax nostalgic about being back together, even if it’s on opposing teams. Then Rachel does something so shocking, I still can’t believe it happened: She asks Will to throw the invitational so that her glee kids don’t feel defeated. Seriously, Rachel Berry? The insanely competitive, brutally ambitious woman we love, wants a pity win? I’m sick about it. Did I mention that Sue has sent a drone into the auditorium to record their conversation? I can’t. Will hesitates, but when he sees the memorial plaque of Finn on the wall, his affection for Rachel and his big heart win out. He throws Vocal Adrenaline off their game by switching up their number for something brand new. You know, like he did everyday back when he was leading New Directions. The members of Vocal Adrenaline hate him with the heat of a thousand fiery suns.

Next stop for Sue is the locker room, where she goes all Manchurian Candidate and hypnotizes Sam with an ease that could only happen inside of a Scooby Doo episode. After waving around a pocket watch, she sets Sam out to seduce Rachel Berry and break her heart. I’m screaming inside, can you hear it?

When Blaine arrives at the invitational with The Warblers, Rachel tries the same line on him as she did with Will. Blaine, however, refuses to hear any of that nonsense. Right then, he gets an emergency call from Karofsky and all three of them rush over to Blaine’s apartment. Inside, Karofsky stands screaming on the kitchen table while a bear cub rolls around on their rainbow bedspread. Kurt is pretty sure how it ended up there.

Later on at Breadstix, Sam and Rachel are eating “Italian” food together. They talk about re-adjusting to life in Lima, and besides watching Patti Lupone videos on Youtube and blowing glass, the two of them decide to take piano lessons together. (Since when does Rachel not know how to play piano? ) Sam suggests they get Blaine to teach them. Rachel opens up a little to Sam, telling him that she feels safe with him. I can practically see the heart eyes fluttering out of her face towards him in this moment.

OK, so here’s a moment I don’t believe. Sue Sylvester knows who Tom of Finland is, but not what a bear is? Kurt clears it up and tells Sue how insane she is, and to stay out of his life. Plus, Kurt has met a fellow online and wants to see how that works out. Sue remains unconvinced. She also expresses her desire to cannibalize Kurt, so he gets the fuck out of there with a quickness. She screams after him about her desires to go to Provincetown for a big ol’ gay wedding, but it falls on deaf ears.

Sam and Rachel have their first lesson with Blaine, where we also find out what the hell happened to Brad the Piano player. (Ladies foot scrapbook.) Rachel confesses that she actually does have piano experience, but that one day she got bored and quit. “That’s so unlike you,” Blaine quips. Ha, nice burn there, Blaine. Suddenly, Sue descends from a cherry picker, like a casually dressed Elphaba. Blaine suggests they close up shop for the day, and Sue flashes Sam a look which subconsciously gets him to agree with Blaine as well. This leads to one of the bright spots of the episode where Jane Lynch gets to show off her pipes. Sue busts out into Meredith Brooks’ late ’90s hit, “Bitch.” What follows is a montage of Sue tossing students around, spraying them with a fire extinguisher, and appearing as a disembodied head in Rachel’s desk. Why does anyone still go to McKinley?

Karofsky and Blaine sit together at Breadstix, attempting to have a romantic dinner when all of Karofsky’s burly, beary exes and hookups start showing up. Karofsky is embarrassed and Blaine is bewildered, and Sue shows up just to rub it all in. And as if that wasn’t uncomfortable enough, Sue shows the men a genealogy chart which suggests that the couple are actually third cousins. Well, I did not see that one coming.

Rachel sits in the choir room, frustrated about not picking up every lesson Blaine is throwing at her. Sam sits beside her and gives her a pep talk to help her focus. He offers her his hands, and she plays her chordings on his palms. It would actually be really sweet and kind of romantic if this storyline wasn’t such a mess.

Sue shows up at Carmel High to rat out Will to their principal, who turns out to look just like former Principal Figgins. Apparently, they are brother and sister. (Just go with it.) Sue tells Principal Abigail Figgins Gunderson that Will is trying to betray Vocal Adrenaline in order to give New Directions a boost.

Rachel and Kurt meet with the New Directions to announce that they have chosen their two songs for the invitational, and for all the smiling and mock confidence, it’s pretty clear that they are all in for an uphill battle.

When Will finds out about Sue’s interference, he naturally storms into her office. She nearly got him fired, again. Now if you thought Santana’s monologue to Kurt was mean and harsh, Sue’s diatribe about Will is like that monologue’s meaner, more sinister evil twin. In Glee‘s attempt to go super meta here, they overshoot big time. While some of what Sue says about Will is true (like how Will really didn’t know how to speak Spanish, and neglecting students in favor of others) she really crosses the line when she essentially calls Will a pedophile. Say what you will about Will Schuester and his many sweater vests, but to compare him to Jerry Sandusky-a true monster-isn’t even close to funny.Janitor Principal Figgins and Kurt talk in the auditorium as Figgins scrapes gum off the seats. Blaine shows up to give Rachel and Sam their lesson, but they are busy sharing delicious carbs in the courtyard. Blaine and Kurt sit down and have a tender heart to heart. Blaine is stressing that he and Karofsky might be kissing cousins but Kurt assures him that if it came from Sue, it’s probably a big fat lie. When Kurt tells Blaine about his date with Walter, the guy he met online, Blaine can barely conceal his crushing disappointment. Then they do the awkward hug of people who still love each other, but are afraid to hold on too tight, lest they find they can never let go.

Sam finds Rachel practicing piano, and gives her a surprisingly excellent impression of John Mayer. Rachel is learning like whoa, and after like two lessons, is already playing Vanessa Carlton‘s “A Thousand Miles.” (Full disclosure: This song is my jam.) They ride around with a piano in a flat bed, in an homage to the original video. I was a little worried about their safety, to be honest. I hope that piano bench had seatbelts. All in all, it’s a really stellar arrangement of the song, and it’s nice to hear Rachel dueting with someone who really complements her voice. After the song, in a move that surprises no one, Sam leans in and kisses her.

The next day, Rachel approaches Sam about the kiss, but because of the hypnosis, he doesn’t remember it. She asks him out on an official date but Sam tells Rachel that he’s still in love with Mercedes, and her tender heart sinks. It probably hits her extra hard because this is the first man she’s let herself get close to since Finn passed away.

Sue finds Sam to hypnotize him again, and this time, she sets him out to not only mess with Rachel, but Will as well. That includes riffling through his mail, claiming that Rachel sent him to sabotage Will.

When Kurt’s date Walter shows up at Breadstix, he doesn’t exactly look like his profile picture. In fact, he’s considerably older than Kurt expected. (Walter is played by Harry Hamlin, who many know from Veronica Mars or LA Law, but early in Hamlin’s career he played gay in the highly controversial film, Making Love. Back in 1982, playing a gay role could have ruined his career, and the actor took a huge risk. It was one of the first films where a relationship between two men was given respect and actually has a hopeful ending.) Anyway, at first Kurt tries to back out of the date, but Walter explains that he only recently came out. He was married to a woman and has children Kurt’s age. He apologizes for not being completely honest with Kurt, and asks if they can at least try to be friends and Kurt agrees.

A newly fired up Will arrives the invitational and attempts to give Vocal Adrenaline a pep talk, promising to never let them down. But since you know, they hate him, they just kind of glare at him and then deny him a “show circle.” I actually feel bad for Will right now. Vocal Adrenaline lead off with a technically excellent, but passionless version of the B-52’s beach party anthem, “Rock Lobster.” They follow it with Devo‘s “Whip It” as I quietly cried into my glass of Malbec. Not even Becky dancing in a lobster suit can bring this part any joy. What the actual hell is happening?

So, what did you think of “The Hurt Locker, Part One”? Are you praying to Saint Patti of LuPone that part two is considerably better?

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