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“Lost Girl” recap (5.6): Body of a Greek God

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo almost turns into a pussy, but then gets some instead—from Tamsin. Also an Oracle scoops out her own eyeballs and Lauren gets cake on her face. One is, clearly, worse than the other. I mean, Jesus, what a waste of cake.

You know what my least favorite toy was growing up? The damn jack-in-the-box. You turned the crank and a creepy song played until, blam-o, some even creepier thing jumped out at you. How is this fun? This is not fun.

Bo is slowly turning the crank on her own Hell-in-the-box from Daddy Hades. But wait, as the camera pans through the gossamer curtains we realize it’s not Bo. It’s…Lauren? Smiling, glowy, radiant Lauren.

Bo wakes up with a start. She says Lauren’s name and in her post-dream confusion turns around in bed and finds…Tamsin? Smiling, groggy, ruffled Tamsin. So, I guess they aren’t using Kenzi’s old room after all. Tam-Tam goes on about her own dream, something about her truck and burgers. Leave it to our Valkyrie to know what is really important in life.

Tamsin seals her dream review with a kiss, and then Bo tells her she is off to make breakfast—half Captain Crunch, half Lucky Charms. Tamsin is all lovey dovey about Bo knowing her morning cereal ratios. But Bo tries to friendzone with benefits the situation saying, “That’s what roomies are for.” Roomies. Ouch.

Dyson arrives at a locker room crime scene with…that Little Shit Mark? What is this, Take Your Estranged Son to Work Day? Look, I know this show requires leaps, bounds, quantum universe time jumps in suspension of disbelief, but there’s no way any police force is letting a guy bring his son under the crime tape for a casual look see. So, naturally, that’s exactly what happens.

They’re investigating the death of a football player, who just happens to have the triple spiral symbol of the Fae cult written out in his blood next to his body. So, naturally, Dyson uses a towel he finds on scene to wipe up the symbol because it’s not like it’s an investigation and detectives will have noticed the symbol or will test the towel or will… sorry. I get carried away with terrible police procedure on TV sometimes. This is almost as annoying as when CSIs are sent in to interview murder suspects. Doesn’t matter anyway because an even bigger triple spiral forms out of the smudged blood he left afterwards.

Dyson briefs the team on the murder and its connection to the Fae cult at the Dal. The victim was a high-profile football draft prospect. Tamsin knows him because he’s hot, but not Bo hot. This gets a raised eyebrow from both our favorite bisexual Succubus’ exes.

The triple spiral that keeps popping up is a symbol of death and reincarnation used by end-of-days cults. So they decide to try to infiltrate the football team to find out more which means…drum roll… HOT CHEERLEADERS. Sure, this show stretches the limits of incredulity sometimes, but it also strives nobly to give fans everything they’ve ever dreamed of — and some things they haven’t even had a chance to dream of yet.

Tamsin already knows all about hot cheerleaders, because of course she has the novelty calendar. Dyson and Lauren remain skeptical about Tam-Tam’s ability to shake her pom-poms in a cheerful way — and also her viability as a long-term romantic prospect for Bo. But she just shoots them a death glare and tells Dyson to give her a “D-Y-Suck My Balls.” Now that is my kind of cheer.

Who needs Glee when we have hot ladies in cheerleader uniforms who are capable of snapping your neck at a moment’s notice? In her continued campaign to win over the hearts and minds of all of fandom, Tamsin trips in the middle of her set-to-music sexywalk montage. Never change, girl, never change.

Now, I’ve been trying to figure out what age bracket these cheerleaders and football players are supposed to be in. High school? College? Minor league? Canadian league? Bo pretends to be recruiting for the VanCity Valkyries for a cheerleader to join the squad. Head Bitchy Cheerleader (is there any other kind on TV?) quips that Tamsin doesn’t even go here. But Bo says she is from another school without a cheerleading squad. So, this is college? Yeah, I think this is college. Maybe.

Naturally, Head Bitchy Cheerleader (HBC) and Tamsin are natural enemies. Like the snake and the mongoose. HBC makes a quip about Tamsin’s height being more appropriate for a football player. Tamsin makes a quip about HBC’s head being the perfect size to toss in a game of rugby. I’m paraphrasing.

So, anyway, barely simmering passive aggressive behavior leads to spectacular feats of aerial gymnastics filmed at an appropriately long distance so as to not give away the stunt double’s true identity. After Tamsin completes her round-off, double back handspring, back tuck, it’s HBC’s turn. But our Valkyrie gives her the doubt face so she runs away.

Bo has to work extra hard to make friends and influence people in the wake of Tamsin’s opposite of that. She chats up the token male cheerleader — and obvious gay — on the team about the murder. The dead wide receiver and the alive quarterback were rivals. The dead guy was a bully. Just then, the alive quarterback gets clobbered in practice.

Token Male Cheerleader goes running onto the field with obvious, possibly over obvious, concern. But instead of getting carried out on a stretcher he twitches once and pops back up. Steroids are a hell of a drug, kids.

But Bo and Tamsin think he might be Fae instead, so they go to explore. Wait, did I say explore? I meant Tamsin walks into the men’s locker room with all of her blond cheerleader self as conspicuous as can be and plops down next to him. Perhaps they should re-explain to her how undercover detective work works.

Alive Quarterback tells Tamsin she isn’t supposed to be here, which is possibly the most sensible thing anyone has said this entire episode so far. Tamsin asks him many pointed questions that a cheerleader from a visiting school would not be asking a quarterback from another school. So Alive Quarterback asks her the second most realistic thing anyone has said: “How did you even get in here?”

In Lauren’s clinic, Cassie is muttering to herself about rains, floods, storms and darkness. Just your average apocalypse recap. If I was Lauren I’d so start building a state-of-the-art Ark right about now.

Bo decides to call Lauren for a medical expert’s opinion. But Tamsin would rather she call Dyson/anyone but Lauren to sniff things out. See, even Tam-Tam knows who the true OTP competition is and it ain’t no big bad wolf. This jealous/insecure side to our Valkyrie is kind of fascinating. As is Bo’s continued obliviousness toward Tamsin’s jealously/insecurity and true feelings.

Lauren answers and the jealousy/insecurity shines through on her end too. Is there a name for this Lauren/Tamsin/Bo triangle? TamBoRen? Copdoccubus? No, there has to be something better than those. Our Dr. Hotpants gloats a little that Tamsin can’t run tests. Then when Bo admits she needs her, and not just a doctor, she gloats a little more and leaves at 10 a.m. for “lunch.” Being the boss looks good on Dr. Lewis. Very good.

Tamsin overheard this all, and asks with just an edge of heartbreak in her voice, “You need her, huh?” Bo tells her to stick to flirting with the football players, with just an edge of cruelness in her voice. But Tamsin meets it instead with a sweet kiss. Oh, sweetie. Be careful with your heart. Be so, so careful.

At the Dal, Trick is cleaning glasses when the Dead Candle Lady/Fae Cult Member #1 saunters up. She asks for a rare and very gross cocktail involving a boiled egg. If you think your bartender already gives you stankface for ordering something as complicated as a mojito, see what he does when you order one of these.

The cocktail is also very old, like 1,000-years-old old. The ancients called it the original cocktail and drink of prophecy. And then Dead Candle Lady/Fae Cult Member #1 says something not-so cryptic about ancient things having a way of turning up. Dear God, don’t tell the hipsters. Next thing you know all the trendy bars will be serving artisanally raised, cage-free, organically-fed pickled egg cocktails.

Back in the locker room/Lauren’s worst nightmare, she arrives to find a bunch of half-clothed sweaty men. She tells them she is here for surprise drug testing. When one of the men balks, she says he can pee in a cup while she watches or get a blood test. So he opts for the former in flagrante, and throws his towel to the wind.

Lauren, our trusty stand-in for all of lesbian fandom, replies under her breath: “You really have the wrong girl.” Wave that stuff around all you want, we’ll never be impressed.

Since we’re on a testosterone jag already, let’s flash to Dyson and that Little Shit Mark. All of a sudden they’re relatively buddy buddy. Didn’t Mark hate his dad last week? But now they’re sparring at Dyson’s gym. I find these father-son bonding moments a great time to go get myself a snack and/or take a bathroom break.

Nothing much happens except the widow of the Dead FaeDate Guy/Fae Cult Member #2 comes in to ask why she saw her deceased husband walking around on the street. Oh and we learn Heaven’s Gate was Fae. I knew it. Other than Sue Sylvester and the entire cast of Jersey Shore no human loves track suits that much. Oh, and we also learn Dyson is definitely single. You know what, I take that back. I don’t hate Dyson and Little D scenes, as long as their scenes are together. Keeps them both occupied.

p.s. Anyone else think the widow and the wolf make a good couple? Won’t make DyBo folks happy, but every other fandom? Yep. That’s what I thought.

Bo arrives at Lauren’s clinic to check out pee. I wish I didn’t mean that literally, but they’re looking at the urine samples of the football players. But first Lauren takes a good look at Bo and declares that she looks, “Wow.” Sure, they’re just friends. No residual feelings at all. Uh-huh.

Lauren proceeds to show Bo the “fascinating” pee and how all the players’ contributions look normal except for one which displays super-human qualities. It’s the QB whose toxin-repelling bodily waste shows that he is actually a Heraclid, or human descendent of Hercules. That makes him strong, fast and incredibly resilient. So, you know, the perfect professional football player.

Lauren and Bo are discussing this all with Trick on speakerphone. Dead Candle Lady/Fae Cult Member #1 overhears it all, of course. Hey, here’s a tip, while you guys are trying to do all this super sleuth save-the-world type stuff, how about stepping into a private room every once and a while to take a phone call?

Dyson goes to question the QB in his unsubtle Dyson way. But the poor guy has no idea what a Heraclid is, let alone a her clit. Ooops, sorry, getting ahead of myself. Bo makes a crack about wishing she didn’t know who her father was, either. And Dyson is like, wait, you know who your dad is? So Bo does the only natural thing a good friend would do in this instance, she lies her pants off. Interesting. She’ll tell Tamsin, but not Dyson or (more than likely) not Lauren. Interesting.

Bo and Dyson go to question the Token Male Cheerleader, who we all know is going to be gossipier anyway on account of The Gay. He’s talking about a lucky hairbrush (see: The Gay) and then pays special attention to Dyson and his leather vests. You’ve got to admit, he is kind of man candy. If you’re into that sort of thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

Never you mind why the cheerleading recruiter is hanging out with a police detective asking questions about a murder. Dyson sniffs out a bloody jersey which is conveniently sitting in the Token Male Cheerleader’s locker. So he takes him down to the station for questioning. Case solved, right? Right.

That Little Shit is still at Dyson’s gym when Dead Threesome Girl/Fae Cult Member #3 just breezes in. Um, how does she seem to know where Mark is at all times? He lets her browse Dyson’s case board, which seems like a good idea. She warns him that her “parents” told her something boom-like is going to happen at the football game.

Speaking of the big game, the QB is at a press conference talking about said big game. But really they want to talk about the big murder and what he thinks about Token Male Cheerleader being questioned in connection with said murder. It’s then the QB decides to pull a Michael Sam and outs himself as Token Male Cheerleader’s boyfriend. A non-judgmental closeted football player coming out storyline? Just another Sunday on Lost Girl.

But it wasn’t the QB’s fear that kept him in the closet, it was his public relations firm. Oh, hey, did we mention Dead FaeDate Guy/Fae Cult Member #2 runs that firm? And all of them will be in the boosters box at the big game? How fortuitous, plot wise.

Also fortuitous, panty dropping wise, is Tamsin who volunteers to suit up for the big game. But not as a cheerleader, mind you—as a football player. Look, don’t ask why a college football team would allow an entirely new player—let alone a female player—to walk on for the big game. Don’t ask why fans wouldn’t notice an entirely new player had walked on for the big game. Don’t ask why the opposing team wouldn’t question an entirely new player walking into the big game. Just go with it and enjoy the pretty pictures. It’s really better for everyone that way.

While Tamsin is going first and 10, Bo goes to the boosters box to confront the probably evil, definitely homophobic PR firm. What she finds is one big dysfunctional Fae family—with Formerly Dead Humans/Fae Cult Members #1, #2 and #3 all present and accounted for.

Bo asks why they’re promoting the QB and they call him “family.” All the murders and framing for murders was just “risk management” so the QB’s fanbase could grow along with the family’s. But it’s not that they care about his sexual orientation so much as they care that the humans will care about his sexual orientation. I think. It’s a little fuzzy and sounds like something someone who was homophobic but wanted to pretend he wasn’t homophobic would say. It’s not that I care you’re gay, it’s that other people will care you’re gay.

But, it turns out the QB’s sexuality has made him even more popular (cough, Michael Sam, cough), so all’s well that ends well except for the dead body. Fae Cult Member #1 sits down to enjoy the game and starts to glow. Bo realizes she is feeding off the energy from the crowd and realizes they must throw the game. But #1 has other ideas and blasts her with what looks very much like lightening.

What a weird way to meet the Big Bads for this season. I didn’t hate it, but it was so strangely casual. Like, say hello to the gods, would you like a bellini? No, how about this thunderbolt then?

Back on the field Tamsin is orchestrating a hail Mary play to win the game. A slo-mo sports montage follows which I re-wound more than once. It also seals the win and causes many a heterosexual woman (and possibly gay man) to question her/his orientation.

I don’t know about you, but I had the most amazing Quarterback Princess flashbacks during that whole scene.

 

Bo runs down and ruins the moment with her buzzkill (and open wound) about winning really being about losing. So back at the Succu-Shack, the two try to tend to her injury. It looks bad, and a little kissy face with Tamsin doesn’t do much because it comes right back.

Tamsin insists they should try again, but Bo says she feels fine and declines. The Fae who did this to her must be crazy strong. So instead Tamsin runs Bo a bath to look after her first. When Bo thanks her she says, “What are girlfriends for?”

The look on Bo’s face says Tamsin has said the “G Word” way too early. You know, I wasn’t sure how much Bo reciprocated Tamsin’s obvious deep feelings for her after last week. I thought perhaps seeing her tied up with a big red bow moved her from friend to more than friendzone. But this reaction, well, it is pretty much the definition of not-looking-for-a-relationship face. Poor, Poor Tammy. This is gonna hurt.

Back at the Dal, the entire team debriefs. Here’s what we know. The three dead humans are now all being possessed by the Fae Cult members. They’re part of an ancient Fae order which considers the Heraclid “family,” meaning he related to Hercules. Another one of them can shoot lightening. Zeus is the God of lightening. Oh, and remember how Bo’s daddy is Hades? Yes siree, we’re dealing with some pretty heavy Greek mythology.

The only thing I’m not 100 percent clear on is which Olympian god each member is supposed to represent. Dead Candle Lady/Fae Cult Member #1 and Dead FaeDate Guy/Fae Cult Member #2 are supposed to be the parents and Dead Threesome Girl/Fae Cult Member #3 is supposed to be the daughter. So does that make #1 Demeter and #2 maybe Poseidon? Which would make #3, who, Despoina? I don’t know, those are absolutely blind and totally uninformed guesses. It’s been a very long time since I studied my ancient Greek pantheon.

Whoever they are, they’re not exactly the model of a happy, healthy family. Mommy and daddy are barely masking their dislike for each other with a heavy drinking problem. And their daughter just wants to daydream and stew in her teenage angst. The parents argue about Bo finding out their plan, and mommy goddess says they have to move their plan up. Discretion is out the window. Here comes the storm.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

How would I fill these without you, Tamsin?

“You don’t think I can dupe a bunch of girls who think clapping is a sport?”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Tamsin is clearly thinking about Bo’s girls here. Clearly.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

 

 

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