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“South of Nowhere” Recap: Episode 3.14 “Past, Present and Future”

Sit and Spin – Chelsea and Glen are sitting in grim silence in Chelsea’s studio, clearly with both of their wheels spinning. Isn’t it too early for couples’ counseling?

Chelsea asks Glen what it is that he expects her to say, and he suggests, “I love you too.” Oh Glen. No Glen, not this soon. Chelsea admits that she loves him, because he’s been like a brother to her. That’s the kiss of death, though I do know of a jackass who once responded to an “I love you” with “Don’t hurt yourself!” So I guess it could be worse.

Chelsea’s also angry that Glen “outed” them as an item in front of the whole entire family and their other friends. Glen thinks she’s in love with Sean, but Chelsea denies it. When there’s a knock at the door, Glen gets all ruffled thinking it’s his rival. But alas, it’s Spencer and her video camera. Spencer tries to convince them that their tragic conversation is documentary-worthy, but then realizes very quickly that she is not helping. Exit Glen.

Videodrome – Back at Ashley’s house, Spencer has that pesky camera shoved right up in her pretty girlfriend’s face. Ashley warns Spencer that she’ll pay a heavy price if she doesn’t stop.

Ashley: Fine, keep it on. I just won’t do you any late night favors anymore. Spencer: You wouldn’t. (pause) Fine, but it’ll be your loss too.

Calm down. We all know these two aren’t talking about sex. That’s something the straight kids do. They’re probably talking about this.

Ashley quickly relents, admitting that life in front of the cameras hasn’t been much fun of late. Spencer starts to spout off about her creative juices, setting Ashley off on a rant about how creativity feeds on depression and how all artists are miserable wretches.

She’s actually right about that, so no further comment needed.

Spencer notices a flyer on Ashley’s table, and it’s for an open mic night at Ego. Jeez, open mics, dancing, brunch – is everything at Ego? I think I’ve even got some coupons for their produce around here somewhere. The N is clearly spending their entire location-finding budget on that sassy pink strip in Ashley’s hair.

Spencer is proud of her for testing the performance waters again, even if it is at some crappy nightclub/roller rink/LensCrafters like Ego. (You can re-establish your singing career and get new contact lenses in just about an hour!)

Spencer prods Ashley to sign up for the open mic night and Ashley admits that it would be nice to have the opportunity to sing her own songs, as a solo artist.

Continuing to rifle through Ashley’s things, she finds the announcement of her own high school graduation sent out by Paula. For some reason, she finds it “embarrassing” (unlike her brother Glen, who would have found his own graduation notice “miraculous”).

Ashley uses the moment as an opportunity to quiz Spencer about where she’s going to college, and Spencer claims to still be undecided. But she’s decidedly clueless about the fact that her answer might be important to Ashley. Spencer’s lack of interest in the topic turns Ashley’s mood sour (again) and she tells Spencer to go play with “camera whore” Kyla.

Down and out – Across town, Kyla has done what ever young starlet-in-training does after barely surviving a public scandal: she gives back. This week, she’s giving to the homeless, and she’s giving them cans of cow tongue. Aiden is there to assist with the heavy lifting, and to complain about his life.

He tells Kyla that he feels “stuck” at community college after being rejected by every four-year university in the free world. Indignant, Kyla gestures to the huddle masses awaiting their fair share of tongue and reminds him that he could have it much worse. For example, what if he had no muscle tone?

Aiden makes a humble little speech about how he knows his life doesn’t really suck, but that he is disappointed by the recent turn of events. That’s when we see Spencer come creeping up behind him, documenting his Emmy Kids Choice Awards moment with her video camera. I want to tell Spencer that I liked her movie better the first time, when it was American Teen.

Baby got back – Glen is shuffling down the street in a haze of self-loathing when he hears the voice of a heavenly angel. It’s Madison! Oh how I’ve missed her bitchy comments, her relentless self-promotion, her spontaneous booty quakes.

Back from her adventures as back-up dancer for Justin Timberlake (remember that plot twist?) Madison is eager to reconnect with her King High pals.

I think they should rename the place King Midas High, because the kids who go there are surrounded by fame and stardom, as evidenced by Sean’s work with Spike Lee, Madison’s ass-shaking for JT, and even Ashley’s doomed appearance on TLR (ha).

(And, for the record, if I were Justin Timberlake, I would do a “cease and desist” on all their asses. What goes around comes around, bitches!)

If you like then you shoulda put a ring on it – Across town, Sean and Chelsea are having a far-less friendly conversation. Sean is angry that she spent the night with Glen when he came all the way to LA (presumably from Crooklyn) to profess his love to her.

It’s bad enough that Chelsea was interested in someone else, but Glen? Sean reminds her that Glen once enlisted in the Army using a fake ID. Geez, I forgot about that. Seriously Chelsea, what were you thinking?

Sean says he should have made a move on her before Clay ever did, and he’s not going to let it happen again. He makes her an offer she can’t refuse: Korean barbecue. I guess we all have our weaknesses.

Something’s going on around here – Madison asks Glen to help her get caught up on the King High gossip, and she’s kind enough to act surprised when he tells her that his life is in the crapper.

Glen: I finally found a girl I really, really like, and she doesn’t feel the same. Madison: (with concern) I’m sorry. It’s her loss!

What the hell happened to Madison on her tour with JT? Is she lovestoned? The old Madison would never have been so understanding. When he tells her that the girl in question is Chelsea, Madison smirks conspiratorially.

What? This is bulls**t! Bring back bad Madison and her cheerbitch minions now!

Like a bad penny – After a hard day of thrift shopping, Ashley tells Spencer that she’s reserved her spot on the list at Ego. Spencer is so excited that she vows to stand in the front row and sway with a lighter over her head. Ashley thinks an even better idea would be for Spencer to toss her bra onstage.

While I agree with Ashley, I think it’s weird that her comment prompts Spencer to say proudly, “How cool is it that we are finally starting to figure out our futures?” Is Spencer planning to major in Groupie?

Ashley says she doesn’t want to talk about the “f-word,” and she doesn’t want to be one of “those people.” She gestures to a nearby table and says, “Like that girl…” As luck would have it, “that girl” turns out to be Spencer’s abusive ex-girlfriend, Carmen aka Bangs!

Inexplicably, Spencer goes over to say hello to her abusive ex-girlfriend, and Ashley tags along. (This would not happen in my world. Let’s just say that some women are more jealous than others.)

Spencer: I thought you moved to San Diego. Carmen: I did. We moved back here. You look great. Ashley: Yeah, she does. Spencer: Carmen, this is my girlfriend, Ashley. Ashley, this is- Ashley: No, I remember. You guys came to Ego together, remember? Carmen: Aren’t you that singer, the one who lip-synched the song on The Living Room session? Ashley: No, that was my sister. But thank you so much for bringing that up. Carmen: Right when you’re on your way to some huge career, she ruins it for you. Spencer: Her career isn’t ruined. She’s actually performing tomorrow night. Carmen: Seriously? You’re gonna get on stage again? Wow, I would so not have the courage to do that. Spencer: Yeah, we should probably get going. Carmen: If you ever want to hang, you know where to find me.

I’d like to find her at the end of Ashley’s knee-high go-go boot! But for some reason, Ashley maintains calm and makes what I am now calling The Ashley Face.

It’s her default frown this season.

As for bringing back Carmen aka Bangs, I can’t think of a worse idea. Except for maybe bringing back the weird William Mapother-y straight guy who kept hitting on Spencer last year.

Yeah, that would be worse.

Break it to me gently – Over at the Carlin abode, Chelsea has stopped by to dump Glen in person (because she’s old-fashioned that way). She tells him that she and Sean have known each other for a long time and have something “special.”

Just as she’s getting to the good stuff, Iron Dork Arthur, for no particular reason, pops in to tell Chelsea that he’s making her favorite meal, meatloaf and mashed sweet potatoes!

How did he know she was coming over? In addition to being annoying, is he also psychic?

He stalls her dumping speech by inviting her to join the family for dinner, and she accepts.

She’s a rebel – Aiden and Kyla roll up on his crotch-rocket, and Kyla begins flirting and babbling about how she always wanted to be a biker-chick. She invites him up, undoubtedly to continue this fascinating conversation, but he tells her he’d rather go for a ride. Aiden’s bike: 1, Kyla’s loins: 0.

Food for thought – Chelsea is dining with the Carlin family, and probably wishing she had declined Arthur’s invitation. If she had, she could have broken up with Glen and wouldn’t be sitting through some disgusting emergency room story that Paula is telling them with relish. They look ill, but Paula keeps shoveling in the food and talking about green pus and things that pop open and ooze.

Arthur, making yet another bad move, starts mooning about how great it is to see Glen and Chelsea together and Glen has to tell him to zip it. But Arthur doesn’t zip it. He tells them, “At first it was a little strange, but…you two work!” Paula joins the fray, asking them what their plans are for the evening. When Glen says they have none, Paula and Arthur rush to clear the table so that the non-lovebirds can have some time alone together. These two are really eager to marry Glen off and get him out of the house. If they offer a dowry, I think Chelsea should take it him.

Finally alone, Glen apologizes for his parents’ comments, but Chelsea just plants a big wet kiss on him. Which makes me wonder, what the hell was in that meatloaf?

I think Glen speaks for all of us when he stammers, “Uh, I didn’t see THAT coming!”

Chelsea tells Glen that he makes her happy, makes her laugh, and makes her feel at home. I think she’s confusing Glen with the rest of his family. Someone please tell Chelsea that even if she dumps Glen, she can still sit around the dinner table and talk pus with the Carlins!

Quitters never win – Back at her apartment, Ashley is on the phone with the people at Ego, cancelling her open mic performance that evening. I thought the whole point of an open mic night was the sense of informality and spontaneity. While she’s at it, I think Ashley should also cancel her dinner reservations at Taco Bell.

Spencer tells her not to let Carmen’s bitchy words get to her, but Ashley says it’s not about Carmen, it’s about her own fear of being onstage again. Then, somehow, she throws into the mix her insecurities about Spencer going away for college. She asks if Spencer has any new updates on that subject. Spencer admits that she’s narrowed it down to two places, UCLA and Worthington University. Ashley sputters, “In Boston?”

How the hell does Ashley know where Worthington University is located? I’ve attended multiple colleges and I’ve never heard of it!

Since I’ve never heard of it and Ashley has, I felt compelled to look it up on the internets. As it turns out, Worthington University is a fictional school, originally referenced on Dawson’s Creek. So wait, does this mean Spencer’s going to grad school in Narnia?

She tries to soften the blow by telling Ashley that she’s on the waiting list for Worthington, but it doesn’t help. Ashley tells her if that’s where she wants to go, then she’ll support her. Spencer asks, “Do you mean that?” Ashley admits, “Not really.”

Ashley needs to pony up! She’s got the money to pay for Spencer to go to UCLA. “Support” comes in many forms.

Soap, soup and salvation – Downtown at the rescue mission, Kyla is still handing off crates of tongue to the underprivileged as penance for ruining Ashley’s life. One of the recipients is Carmen, who, as we already know, has plenty of lip to spare.

Carmen: Hey, I know you. Kyla: You do? Carmen: Yeah, you’re that singer. The sister. Kyla: That’s me. Carmen: Atoning for your sins? Kyla: Something like that. Carmen: You look a lot younger in person. Kyla: The camera adds 10 years… Carmen: I always thought it was 10 pounds… Kyla: What about you, you’re pretty young to be…here. Carmen: I’ve pretty much been homeless for years. My mom moved me and my brothers around so much, let’s just say she wasn’t happy…and she took it out on me.

So that’s why Carmen beat the crap out of Spencer! She tells Kyla that her mom went to San Diego and she decided to stay behind. She tells Kyla that she lives in her car because she’s out of options, but Kyla thinks she just might have another one. Yep, bringing home Carmen will definitely get Kyla back into Ashley’s good graces.

She hate me – Back at her studio, Chelsea tells Sean that they won’t be having barbeque together after all, unless it’s as friends.

Sean is not down for friend barbeque. Check please.

Lesbianus interruptus – That night, Spencer stops by Ashley’s house to tell her that she checked out the open mic talent at Ego and found it lacking. She tells Ashley that she’s way more talented than those open mic losers.

Spencer: You know what else? Ashley: What? Spencer: You’re also way more hotter. Ashley: Well, duh!

They start to kiss, and right on schedule, Kyla walks in with Carmen in tow and announces that she’ll be staying with them for awhile. Carmen mutters, “Small world.”

Yeah, miniscule.

Cool rider – Opting out of a quickie with Kyla, Aiden is finding solace in the open road on his crotch rocket. Until he has a head-on collision with a car. Aiden flies off the bike and we hear the driver of the car talking to one of those level-headed 911 operators. We hear the sound of a heart beating as the screen fades to black. This is horrible! Will Aiden live to bench press again? Stay tuned to find out!

Next time on South of Nowhere – Spencer wants to vote Carmen off the island, Ashley and Madison consider doubling their trouble and doubling our fun.

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