When we last left our heroine (I’m looking at you, Paulie G) she was feeling revitalized by a comment about her outstanding performance on Seeing Red. Val caught a break! Finally! Also the symbolism in the show is borderline going overboard. Last week they played with the idea of light, and how you don’t need a bright room to shine a light on something new and really special. This week we deal with the themes of “heat” and “poop.” Let’s go!
Val prances into the kitchen (filled with camera men, Mickey, and our gal, Jane) holding a copy of the New York Times with a review of Seeing Red on the cover. Val is happy! The review is great! She highlighted every part that was about her! Mark walks into the kitchen looking annoyed. He is still staying at the rental home in the Palisades. He reads the review, and asks how the set up for the premiere party was going. Val has to do reshoots so the party is off. There is some serious trouble in paradise, y’all.
Mark is pissed that he drove all the way to their house AND he tells Val that he is going to stay in the Palisades house for a few weeks longer than he has planned. Oh hell no. Val would never show how scared she is, but damn. This is not a good sign. Val betta werque to keep her man! But not until after she finishes shooting Seeing Red. Luckily they have dinner plans at Nobu on Saturday, so she can work her lady magic.
In her trailer, Mickey is trying to teach himself how to tweet. Rada enters to talk about the reshoot and all of the new material. Mickey interrupts to let himself out of the trailer to go to the restroom, but NOPE, he ain’t gonna make it. He has to go in the trailer and it’s loud as hell. Rada and Val try to talk over the fireworks in the bathroom. Mickey tells Val that his cancer medication is giving him serious stomach issues. Poor Mickey!
On set, Val enters the Seeing Red version of her office. They used all of the same things from her actual home, including the framed chair back from her 90s sitcom I’m It! Val fights to get it taken down because she doesn’t want the audience to think SHE gave Paulie a blow job. Mallory gave Mitch a blow job. Paulie continues to be terrible to everyone. He is like an angry baby. If Stillwell Angel from A League of Their Own and a shitty old grizzly bear had a baby it would be Paulie G. He doesn’t want to hear anything about the reviews! Paulie just want BURGERRAAAHHHH! The producer (another angry man) informs Val she has to shoot in the desert on Saturday. She tries to get out of it to no avail.
In her car with Jane and Mickey, she calls Mark. He tried to change the Nobu reservation, but they don’t have anything available for later in the evening on Saturday. Val asks if they have anything available for Sunday but Mark. Has. Plans. With. KATHY?! Who the hell is Kathy?! What so now we gotta beat down some bitch named Kathy?! Val is GOING to make Saturday work. She tells Mark she will handle the dinner plans.
At the grocery store, Val becomes confused by the many meats. I get it, meats are hard. Mickey comes back from the bathroom stating, “I barely made it in time and I left four pounds in there.” Val says he doesn’t have to come the desert shoot. She is approached by Gigi, the “girl writer” from Room and Bored on season 1. Gigi had a real rough go of it on Room and Bored. The boys ignored her and she was having weight issues. Gigi is a sad sack.
She walks up to Val with a cart full of food, just munchin’ some kale chips, wearing a hilarious fat suit. She tells Val that she is writing for Pretty Little Liars now! However, she had a pilot at HBO about a woman who goes to sleep and “wakes up one day four times bigger than when she went to bed,” but HBO went with Girls. Bastards! Then Gigi starts up with the dang water works. She hates her life, she’s sad that her show that she loves so much isn’t on HBO, her dog walker is a bitch. She tells Val she has four houses, and they are empty. Gigi asks Jane not to use any of this footage because women in TV can’t cry! Val views it as a cautionary tale, you can’t make work your whole life. And you know what that means: Beef Rollatini for two!
Val gets to set in the desert, and is informed the Paulie hasn’t written the last scene yet. She has to get out by five! Beef Rollatini for Mark! Kill Kathy! It isn’t looking good for Val. The scene they are shooting is just a simple shot of Val chillin’ in a trunk of a car, tied up, and covered in fake snakes. It is hard to get the shot, though. The snakes end up looking fake, so they pop a real one in there. Don’t worry, NOT POISONOUS.
Production is making Val wait on set to shoot for a scene that doesn’t even have a script yet. Totes annoying. THEN her nephew tells her that Paulie is just in a tent doing drugs! Val’s all “HAIL NAW” and she runs into Paulie’s tent to find he is just getting a massage. No drugs there! Whew! Then Paulie’s all “GRAAAHHHHH” because, you know, Stillwell Angel/Shitty Grizzly.
In the craft service truck Val is rolling up her rollatinis, when shit hits the fan for real. I’ll just tell you how this ends: Wheelchair bound angry producer man rolls away giving Val the middle finger. They wanted her on set, but she had been waiting for hours earlier and refuses to go until she knows there is a script. It is hot, she is going to be late for her dinner, and everyone is in a terrible mood. Val gets serious here, and rightfully so, because she is being mistreated. None of the people on this set would even think of asking Seth Rogen to sweat his ass off for no reason. I am totally on Val’s side.
By the time Val gets to Mark’s Palisades place, it is 11:30. He is already asleep, but she leaves the rollatinis at his doorstep with a note written on the back of a Seeing Red call sheet. Sadly, some dogs get into it! Dammit! Jane asks, “Do you even know he’s home?” which freaks the hell out of Val. Maybe he’s out grinding on mother fucking KATHY?! Val decides to throw a pebble at Mark’s window, Romeo and Juliet style. Aww! It breaks the window. It does get Mark’s attention, though, and he lets her in. Jane runs up the doorstep and grabs the note. It reads, “Marky Mark, I was late. Hopefully not too late. I love you. Valerie.” Val be pulling at my heart-strings! I know her and Mark will work it out!
This week I think we should all attempt making Beef Rollatini in honor of the love between Mark and Valerie. I know I will be.
