“Scream Queens” mini-cap: Episode 4 – now with scary lesbian kissing!


After last week’s judgment, the remaining queen wannabees return to their Palace of Bunk beds. Tanedra is exhausted by the mere sight of seeing Michelle walk through the door. How did Marissa get the axe instead of Michelle? As Jessica trumpets Lina’s triumph of being named “Leading Lady” for the week, and Lina unironically flips her hair around, Tanedra rubs her temples. She later tells us that Michelle’s acting is just not “believable” — which is a very kind understatement on her part.

Michelle is still “uncertain about what exactly sucks” about her performance, and just in case we share her confusion, the editors at Scream Queens roll some footage of one of her scenes to refresh our memory. They include a shot of her cast mates laughing hysterically at her unintentionally comedic scene.

Michelle protests, “I have a year of training. It’s not like I’m just some good-looking girl they picked up on the side of the road.” Wow. All of that experience AND humility? Amazing. She should be teaching some Master classes.

Angela laments the fact that she hasn’t even been in the judgment room (for praise or humiliation) and has gotten zero feedback. No news is good news, Angela.

The next day, Shawnee gathers the contestants for their next challenge. She tells them that they need to learn about my favorite kind of scary movies, the ones in which horror and humor go hand-in-hand.

Shawnee shows them a scene from the classic campy horror film, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (1962) and Inside the Actor’s Studio shoe-in Michelle

gripes, ” The actress is basically just a head. It was a horribly written first of all, black and white, I mean hello! Have you heard of color?”

The girls learn that they’ll be recreating that scene and, as a bonus feature, their scene partners are some dumb as brick model dudes who are, if you can believe it, even worse actors than any of them.

Angela correctly guesses that playing the scene for laughs is a bad move. Michelle and Lina do not agree. Meanwhile, Jessica keeps her scene partner at bay, telling him she wants to “surprise” him with her acting choice.

Lindsay goes first, and uses her background as a cheesy Nickelodeon child actor to spin crap into gold. She walks the line between dramatic and campy, though i’m not sure what purpose her faux British accent served. Maybe we should ask Madonna.

Tandera does well, though her scene partner can’t remember his lines.

Angela is just ok, and she thinks she did “pretty damn good” but that Shawnee didn’t appreciate it. I agree with only half of her assessment. Sarah plays the part as if she’s channeling Eeyore, and it just doesn’t make any sense.

Lina inexplicably turns her scene into a musical, and Michelle plays it like a valley girl, per the norm.

As bad as all of this is, none of it prepares us for Jessica’s “choice.” She plays the character as if she’s some horrible cartoon of a mentally handicapped person. It’s almost unwatchable. Almost. The other contestants are covering their faces in shock and embarrassment for her. Yep, I’m pretty sure she successfully surprised her scene partner. She later explains, “I wanted to take it to a place where no one else would take it.” Checkmate, Jessica!

The winner of the challenge and the “guaranteed callback” (aka immunity) is Lindsay.

Later, the contestants go back to acting class with their macho coach, John Soma. This week he teaches them how to scream, along with creaming coach Melissa Cross, who wrote the book, The Zen of Screaming and has worked with heavy metal bands and the likes of Kevin Bacon (this last fact impresses Lindsay, and she gasps, “Oh!”). If my childhood memories serve me, I think my mother trained with Melissa too.

Michelle says the scream coach is “like 80 years old.” I’m guessing she’s 45-50. I hate Michelle. Although she’s a good screamer.

Jessica doesn’t feel like she can really open up and do her best work with her jerky acting teacher, and he proves her right by bullying and berating her throughout the class. It’s painful to watch, even if she is nuts.

After class, the girls return to their haunted mansion and are joined by a shuffling, deformed, projectile vomiting zombie who has been sent to deliver scripts for their next project.

They’ll be shooting a trailer for a campy new horror film, Reform School Zombie Squad.

As they peruse the scripts, the contestants realize that there will be a scene in which two of the characters must kiss. Michelle, naturally, is not having it. She tells us, “Kissing another girl? I’m sorry, but I don’t believe in that. I have lesbian friends, some of them are decent looking. But, I’m sorry, not something I’d like to partake in.” Don’t be sorry, Michelle, because we’re not.

Lina agrees, adding, ” I don’t think girls should be kissing girls, it’s just not normal.” I love how they can be asked to torture and be tortured, murder and be murdered on screen, but kissing a woman? It’s just barbaric!

If this were Top Model, these two would be immediately cast in the make-out scene and be forced to endure endless takes. By God Tyra, their asses would model through it! But, alas, this is not Top Model. And when all of the women audition (for Gunn, his brother, and the director of Die, You Zombie Bastards!), Gunn specifically asks them if there are any roles in the trailer that they would not like to play. Michelle is quick to object to playing one of the girl-kisser (I’m not presuming to call their characters “lesbians” at this point), but Lina doesn’t object and simply hopes for the best.

Naturally, when their parts are cast, Lina is asked to play a girl-kisser. She upset because “It’s an acting competition, not a freaking lesbian make-out competition!” Funny she should mention it, I won one of those just last week. Her scene partner is Angela, who “has no problem with that” which means that she doesn’t think that being ignorant is contagious.

The women shoot their scenes, with varying degrees of ridiculousness. Michelle does okay (especially considering that she was directed to “hit that vagina harder”), then brags about herself afterwards to the speechless director. Lina can’t stop flicking her tongue, perhaps in preparation for her make-out scene.

And when the moment of truth arrives, she learns that her plan to “fake make out” in the scene isn’t going to work. She tells Gunn that she’s not “comfortable” doing the kiss. Gunn tells her that it’s okay that she doesn’t want to do it, but that she should have told him before the cameras rolled.

Jessica, who has no lines (which is, I’m sure, no accident) is eager to take her role, which is a smart move. She says, “Kissing a girl is just like kissing a guy” and adds, “Bring on the hot tub!” followed by a creepy laugh. It weirds me out that she’s so eager to do a lesbian make-out scene. Are they prepping us for her to be queer? And if so, why is it always the crazy ones?

I simply can’t do justice to the actual scene, as some things must be seen to be believed. So here’s a clip:

I’m surprised they didn’t need dental work after that face-slamming session.

Angela is glad that she gave her all in the scene, and hopes it will win her some much-needed assistance.

The next day, Lina starts a fight about dirty dishes with Sarah, who asks her, “Is this because of your insecurity about your performance last night?” Um, yes.

Michelle learns that she’s the “leading lady” for the week, and Lina and Angela are summoned for judgment. Are they going to “judge” them, or are they going to try once more to force the kissing issue?

In the end, Lina’s lack of professionalism is more detrimental than Angela’s lack of talent, so they give her “the axe” and send her back to the world of strictly heterosexual acting challenges.

Don’t worry Lina, television and film just keep getting straighter, so you should be just fine.

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