Grey’s Anatomy Recap: 5.7 “Rise Up”


How TV works &#8212 According

to Meredith, "If you’re a normal person, one of the few things you can

count on in life is death."

But apparently, if you’re an ABC viewer, one of the things you can never count on is having an intelligent, extant lesbian character on a network series. Because that would just be silly! And confusing! Everyone knows the world consists solely of moronic everymen, scheming housewives, and self-involved dork hipsters who never comb their hair. It’s called professional television

programming. You wouldn’t understand.

And this just in: Look for the much anticipated ABC mid-season replacement series, Who’s the

starring Pauly Shore as a bumbling, yet lovable idiot married to an adoring former model and brain surgeon played by Sarah Shahi. Relatable! Hilarious! Someone please kill me!

Anywho &#8212 Since this is the last Grey’s Anatomy recap on AfterEllen, let’s dispense, shall we, with the pretense that anyone cares about Alex and Izzie, George and Lexie, Meredith and The Hair, or Mark Sloan and the entire Seattle Grace nursing staff. Without Callica, it’s all a lot of fitted blue scrubs running in and out of unoccupied rooms, overlapping relationships, and a parade of vaguely familiar character actors suffering from diseases of the week.

Ho hum. Is G-String Divas on somewhere?

And as much has I heart Cristina, do I care if she lands the only real man in the Pacific Northwest? No. And will Bailey ever be recognized as the true leader that she is? Not as long as the Chief is shuffling around the corridors with his ladder, polishing that glass ceiling.

The threesome &#8212 Despite

her attraction to five o’clock shadow and her affinity for being sweetly patronized by a pair of twinkling eyes, Meredith’s real love affair is with her "person," Cristina.

First thing in the morning, Meredith has a private book club meeting on the phone with Yang. Discussing her mother’s diaries with Cristina before work is far better than having morning sex with McStinky.

To get Cristina out of girlfriend’s life, Derek enlists the help of his best friend and the resident manwhore, Mark Sloan to take care of his "Yang problem." I had a Yang problem once. Some ointment and a heating pad fixed me right up.

Derek needs his "person," Mark, to seduce his girlfriend’s "person," Cristina. It’s all about people. People who need people. They’re the luckiest people in the world.

As a selling point, Derek reminds Mark that Cristina is intense,

intelligent and complicated, "like a single malt scotch." Cristina

has more bite than that and is probably closer to very good tequila: Strong,

intimidating, yet alluring, and once imbibed, you become its bitch with no will

of your own. More salt, anyone?

Stan the man &#8212 Meanwhile,

the Chief, in his infinite wisdom, has devised a diabolical plan to pit the

residents against each other by offering the chance to perform a solo surgery.

He not only inspires some friendly competition within a group of people who

alternate between sleeping with, and back-stabbing each other, he’s guaranteed

one hapless patient, not the best surgeon for the job, but the one most likely

to steal a cadaver. Whatever the malpractice premiums are there, they’re not

high enough.

The only doctor who seems to want to do his job and nothing

more, is George. Considering what a crazypants time he had last year – marrying

Callie, sleeping with Izzie, getting left back at hospital school – it’s no

wonder George seeks out the quiet toil of saving lives.

To help train the staff, the Chief has diverted some funds from

the nurses’ salary budget and purchased a fun latex-covered robot, named Stan.

Stan has numerous symptoms and ailments of unknown origin, perpetually stares

into space, and complains non-stop about chest pains. Just like my granddad.

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