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Grey’s Anatomy Recap: 5.6 “Life During Wartime”

Playing with dolls – It’s morning and in bedrooms everywhere, people are rising to meet the day. Meredith and Derek are either up really early, or very late, because they’re dressed and packing more of Meredith’s mom’s thing.

Meredith finds her childhood doll, Anatomy Jane, complete with removable organs. She tells Derek that as a little girl, she made up names for the parts she couldn’t remember. The twash is connected to the chubble, which is connected to the slivvey. And of course, there’s everyone’s favorite, the jelly pouch.

This probably disgusted Meredith’s accomplished, impossible-to-please mother because as the fruit of her loins, Meredith was expected be able to locate and explain the transverse colon by age seven.

Upstairs, Izzie wakes up to find Alex sitting on her bed, watching her like a creep. Only on a TV show does one emerge from a dead sleep, roll over, find someone staring at them, and all they have to say is, “What are you doing here?” In reality, there would be lots of shrieking and falling backwards out of bed in a kicking, screaming panic.

Having slept together for the past week, Alex isn’t sure if he and Izzie are exclusive now. Will she be sleeping with anyone else? Should he cancel his bootie call with the chick from pediatrics? Instead of answering him and letting that be the end of it, she huffs, calls him an ass, and pads into the bathroom to pee. Leaving lines out does not a story arc make. Meanwhile, Izzie sleeps in a summer cocktail dress because you never know when you’ll be sleepwalking into a garden party.

Elsewhere, Callie and Erica in bed together, laughing giddily, and it’s not because it’s Pizza Day in the cafeteria. They just had some morning sex and apparently, there’s only one way to describe it.

Erica: That was amazing! Callie: Yay! It was for me, too! Erica: I mean, that was amazing! Callie: Me, too!
Morning sex is amazing.

Not as amazing? The nightgowns that Callie and Erica are wearing. They come complete with their own nightmares. Go wipe your mouth, take off that von Trapp window curtain, and put on some decent lingerie. Why do the gayellas get the fugly wardrobes when Izzie gets to look like Audrey Hepburn? Someone forgot to ask GLAAD what lesbians wear to bed. Or worse – they did.

Erica doesn’t notice Callie horrendous sleepwear because A) Callie wasn’t wearing it most of the night; and B) she’s having a Helen Keller-worthy epiphany.

Yep, I’m gay – Erica sits up, wide-eyed and joyous, and tells Callie it’s never been like this before. Not with men. Not in her whole adult life. Not ever. Callie smiles uneasily.

Erica: This is like needing glasses. Callie: [laughs] I blinded you? Erica: No. When I was a kid, I would get these headaches. And I went to the doctor and they said that I needed glasses. I didn’t understand that. It didn’t make sense to me because I could see fine. And then, I get the glasses and I put them on. And I’m in the car on the way home, and suddenly, I yell. Because the big green blobs that I’ve been staring at my whole life? They weren’t big green blobs — they were leaves… on trees. I could see the leaves.
Callie’s brittle smile cracks and falls right off her face, just as Erica’s voice begins to quiver with emotion.

Erica: And I didn’t even know that I was missing the leaves. I didn’t even know leaves existed. And then… leaves! You are glasses. I am so gay. I am so, so, so gay. I am extremely gay!
She watches Erica having the breakthrough of a lifetime with a disquietude usually reserved for cavity searches. “Um, I have to go,” Callie says hastily, as she grabs her clothes and bolts for the door. Erica’s face contorts in disappointment and hurt. Mine did, too, but that was earlier, when they shared that one chaste kiss after what was supposed to be hot girl-on-girl sex.

Discharged and at large – At the hospital, the Chief re-introduces Owen Hunt to Derek and Mark. Owen’s just been hired as the new head of trauma, raising the hospital’s ranking by his mere battle-tested, world-weary presence.

Cristina and Meredith round the corner just in time to see the guys shaking hands. Yang panics, grabs Meredith and together, they run away like two drunk schoolgirls avoiding the vice principal. Say, there’s a show I’d watch. Once safely around a distant corner, Cristina tells Meredith that Owen kissed her the last time she saw him. What’s he doing at the hospital? Shouldn’t he be in Iraq? And isn’t he dreamy? Oh wait, we already have one of those. Cristina proclaims she is not getting close with another attending doctor, thereby assuring she will.

Imago – Meanwhile, up on the roof, Bailey and the Chief are having a secret meeting because all the bathroom stalls were occupied and besides, that kind of clandestine get-together is easier with someone of the same gender.

After last week’s successful domino kidney surgery, the Chief says he sees some potential in his diminutive associate and now thinks she’s ready to be him. Why on earth would she want to be him, when him being more like her would be so much better for everyone involved? Did everyone follow that?

A chopper lands on the helipad carrying a 10-year-old girl with an inoperable tumor. The Chief gives her an impossible mission, should she choose to accept it – put together a team and save the girl. If she passes the test, she’ll have proved herself worthy. It’s not clear what happens if she fails, but it’s safe to assume she’ll still be five feet of wise, womanly, whup ass who can run circles around the Chief.

Is that kosher? – Today, all the residents and interns will be participating in Owen’s new skillz lab. Yes, he spells it with a “z.” Meredith is excused by Bailey, who puts her on Team Tumor when she spies Anatomy Jane in Meredith’s bag. Seems Bailey had a Jane doll, too, and has fond childhood memories of simulated pregnancy and playing with little plastic gall bladders.

Downstairs, Cristina is still trying to avoid Owen, so she hides behind Lexie as the lab begins. Owen explains they’ll be practicing trauma techniques on “live tissue.” He dramatically pulls back a curtain to reveal a row of full-grown pigs, sedated and lying on their backs. Hey everyone, it’s the executive board from AIG.

Rambo casually pulls out a folding knife, and quickly works his way down the row, stabbing each pig in its spare ribs. The group gasps in shock and horror. It’s an outrage! It’s disgusting! It’s so not kosher! Or so all the Jewish doctors are thinking.

Izzie: You’re a monster! Owen: They’re under. They didn’t feel any pain. Izzie: You stabbed them! Cristina: [interjecting] So we can save them. Izzie: We can practice on surgical mannequins. We can learn to do the exact same stuff ! Owen: Does that mean you’re out? Izzie: Yeah. I’m out!
Not in the way Erica’s out – just out. Izzie storms off to call PETA. Once she’s gone, Owen asks the group who wants to work on the extra pig? Who turns down an extra side of bacon? No one I want to know.

Quick and dirty ?ö Lexie’s read Charlotte’s Web one too many times as a child and names and pets all the porcine patients. Owen observes Cristina’s technique and cuts her twice without ever pulling his knife ?ö she’s too slow and he calls her “Christine.”

In a pork-free room, Meredith, Bailey and the Chief meet with tumor girl and what appears to be 36 members of her immediate family to discuss the case that no other hospital would touch. Seattle Grace, the number 12 hospital in the country is their last hope, having just come from hospitals 1- 11. Plus, Seattle Grace has “that cardiothoracic gal.” That gal’s name? Dr. Erica “I See Leaves of Green” Hahn.

While all that is going on, Callie waits for Mark in that little rendezvous room they like so much. She’s naked (because this isn’t the gay scene and heinous nightgowns aren’t required) and under the sheets, waiting for her f-buddy.

Mark comes eagerly rushing in. His pants around his ankles before the door even closes, he asks her if she needs more sex lessons.

Callie: No, no lessons. Just sex. Nothing fancy, just plain old missionary, boy-girl, penis-vagina sex. Mark: Oh… Callie: Hey, hey I mean it. No dirty talk, no Erica talk. No talk.
Callie says she’s “testing a theory” implying she needs a side-by-side taste test. Callie’s been straight her whole life, bumped uglies with Mark multiple times, and had sex with Erica not even four hours ago.

I have a theory: Callie has the memory of a goldfish.

After it’s over, she’s no more enlightened than before. “Damn it!” she says, frustrated. Sex with Mark was good. Sex with Erica was amazing. Having great sex all over the place before lunch can be super confusing.

Why so sad? – Bailey brings that cardiothoracic gal, Erica, in to consult on tumor girl’s case, but Erica’s morning did not end the way it started, so she’s not in the best mood.

Bailey: It’s bad, but I’ve got a couple of ideas. Erica: Good for you. Try them on someone who might actually live. Bailey: I admit, it doesn’t look great, but her family mentioned you by name. Erica: That’s nice but I really don’t care. Bailey: Well, I do. Erica: [with deadly calm] Don’t get emotional, Bailey. No one likes an emotional girl.
Back away slowly. Don’t make eye contact. No sudden moves. If need be, play dead.

Eviscerated – A big trauma comes into the ER. Owen sends everyone in the lab over to the real action. All except Cristina, that is, who’s left behind to tend to the pigs. She’s flabbergasted. She did not go to the best schools in the country just to be Dr. Doolittle.

Meanwhile, Team Tumor is stumped as to how to treat the girl. Hahn doesn’t think they should bother trying. What’s the point of figuring it out, telling the patient you know what’s wrong, only to have them grab their panties and run out the door without so much as a good-bye kiss?

Meredith fiddles with Anatomy Jane while the grown-ups talk. She places the little colorful organs in and out of Jane body cavity until the Chief can’t take it anymore and tells her to put the toys away. But all that play gives her an idea: Remove tumor girl’s six organs one at a time, cut away the icky parts and shove everything back in. Brilliant.

My year of meats – In the OR, Team Tumor attempts the risky procedure, inspired by a Barbie doll, of removing all the girl’s organs, but it’s not going as planned. Bailey and Grey do a little brainstorming, but Hahn shoots down every single suggestion because if her revelation is going to suck, then everyone else’s will, too.

Cristina is downstairs saving the swine and further removing her interns’ humanity. Lexie and the others have named their patients Wilbur, Babe and Reggie, Patty, Oscar and Meyer, or something like that. Yang is not amused. She doesn’t do amused. Her interns aren’t allowed to have names, why should the pigs?

“I don’t want to hear ‘Wilbur, Babe.’ You want to call them something, call them sausage, or prosciutto,” she suggests helpfully. The pigs are in serious condition, and may be moments away from the Big Pig Sty in the Sky. Yang gives in to the name game.

Cristina: Give me the status of Reggie and Patty. Intern 4.2: Reggie’s fine. Patty’s pulse-ox is low, but stable. Cristina: And Babe? Intern 4: Holding steady. I thought we weren’t supposed to give them names. Cristina: I could give them numbers, but then I’d probably tell you to 3 needs antibiotics and find you shoving a needle in Grey’s ass.
Hee. The show is not complete until we get at least one snarky bon mot out of Yang. And since when does anyone need a reason to shove a needle in Grey’s ass?

Goin’ back to Callie – While everyone else is up to their elbows in blood and guts – Cristina and her prosciutto, Bailey and Team Tumor, and even Izzie, who gets into a friendly debate over animal cruelty with Owen – Callie is still trying to figure out if she wants hot dogs or doughnuts for lunch.

She and Mark have sex yet again. That’s three times in one day for Dr. Torres. I guess she still finds sexuality a mystery. Also a mystery: How she manages to keep her job when she spends most of her day naked.

Mark doesn’t understand why Callie’s not happy after making it to “the big finish” and instead, just lies there, staring into space.

Callie: Erica cried this morning. In bed. After sex. Mark: That was a compliment for you. That was a compliment. Callie: It wasn’t a compliment for me. She was having a revelation. She was having… the sex is awesome with Erica. We’ve reached awesome. Which is… Mark: Awesome? Callie: Yes but, it’s also awesome with you. Mark: So what’s the problem? Callie: Guess I thought there should be a difference. Between you and Erica. If I’m… there should be a difference. Mark: The difference between me and Erica is that I know you had sex with her 12 hours ago. She doesn’t know you had sex with me…
Callie may not know which team she plays for yet, but some things are universal: Cheaters never win, and winners never cheat. That, and there’s no crying in baseball. Unless of course, you’re Erica Hahn.

The before and after – After Bailey pulls a miracle out of her ass and saves tumor girl, there are high-fives all around except for Erica, who was nasty, contrary and negative throughout the procedure. Bailey calls Hahn out on it, labels her a pain in the ass, and gives Anatomy Jane more credit than Dr. Feel Bad. Hahn, who can intimidate everyone from pediatrics to the morgue, just stands there taking it because she knows she deserves it. That and nobody messes with an angry black lady.

Owen finally comes back from the ER trauma and gets a sunny update from Cristina. It was touch-and-go, but she and the interns saved the farm. Owen is impressed. And then he instructs Yang to put all the pigs down. Yang shoots him the stink eye and imagines putting him down instead. Owen. The other white meat.

Cristina storms out to get PETA’s number from Izzie, but doesn’t get very far. In the hallway, Owen explains why he’s being such a callous jerk: Everyone in his unit was killed in Iraq, except for him. He was discharged and sent home. And now, things don’t feel the same.

Owen: I’m not there anymore, in the before. I knew your name in the before. And now, I’m living in the after.

Also living in the after: Callie and Erica. Callie finds Erica writing a letter of apology to Bailey, the Chief, Meredith, the girl’s ginormous family and the makers of Anatomy Jane. Callie has some ‘splaining of her own to do.

Callie: I slept with Mark Sloan. Erica: If that’s your idea of an apology, you seriously… Callie: Shut up. You were crying. And seeing leaves. And I wasn’t. I may never see leaves. Or maybe I will see leaves, but I will also see flowers.

Callie: There might be a whole forest, but I do know that I want to be with you. And to do that, I have to at least tell the truth. And the truth is, I slept with Mark Sloan today. Erica: [after a long pause] OK. Callie: Twice, actually. Erica: [another pause] OK.
It’s a bumpy, windy road on the way to lesbian bliss. Thank goodness for Erica’s patience and understanding. Someone has to keep their hand on the wheel. Maybe one day, they can take turns driving.

The aftermath – The Chief summons Meredith to him to make an apology of his own. Anatomy Jane reminds him of when she was a kid, running around the hospital, eating Jell-O off of patients’ dinner trays, knocking over IV’s, and playing with syringes. Good times.

But she’s also “a living reminder of every failure in [his] life.” As a manager, the Chief has a strange concept of employee positive reinforcement. Callie and Mark decide that even though there will be no more hanky, nor panky, they can still hang out together and talk about chicks. Mark seems happy to have a real friend. It’s tough being a himbo.

George (where has he been all day?) comes home to find Lexie has made the best apology dinner ever: Mac n’ Cheese from the box. Not the freezer. Which is just as well, because the freezer is full of pork loin and ham hocks.

She tells him she named a bunch of pigs today, but he doesn’t know what that means. Lexie explains that she’s emotional and takes things personally, and she’s sorry for being all stalkery and weird. He smiles. All is forgiven because there’s nothing in this world that can’t be made better by pasta and cheese sauce made from sodium tripolyphosphate, sodium phosphate, and yellow dye #6.

Lastly, Alex goes to Izzie’s room. He’s ready to use his words like a big boy.

Alex: I’m not good at this. I’m not good at relationships and talking about stupid feelings. And you are. So maybe you could teach me, or something, ya know? Teach me what I did wrong. Izzie: [realizing] You don’t want us to see other people. You don’t want us to see other people, and that’s how you tried to tell me; by asking if it was cool if you screwed Michelle. [laughs]
And I thought only lesbians had to be mind readers. I don’t feel so alone anymore.

But wait, there’s more. Derek and Meredith find an enormous box full of her mom’s journals, thus insuring many years of therapy to come for Meredith.

Next week – Newly out of her own closet, Erica discovers a skeleton in Izzie’s. Derek turns to Bailey when Cristina seems more like Meredith’s boyfriend than he is. The Chief hones his kooky management style by pitting the doctors against each other.

 

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