TV

“South of Nowhere” Recap: Episode 3.10 “Spencer’s 18th Birthday”

Oh happy day – Today is a very special day. All of you South of Nowhere fans and Spencer lovers over the age of 21 can breathe a collective sigh of relief. You don’t have to feel like lezzie perverts anymore because Spencer Carlin is turning 18! Yay!

It seems like only yesterday when Spencer was trying out for the cheerbitch squad, cutting class at the beach, getting smacked around by her mom. But she’s 18 now, and this means she can… well, vote. Spencer’s still technically a high school student, so her options are somewhat limited.

But the good news is that the age of consent in California is 18, so anything that happens between her and Ashley (or her and your imagination) is no longer a felony. Yay!

Speaking of Ashley, she’s somehow convinced Paula to let her surprise Spencer with breakfast in bed. She trots in wearing not much more than some hoochie boots and a smile, carrying a tray of food that probably weighs more than she does.

Spencer: Am I dreaming or did you make me breakfast in bed? Ashley: Technically, your dad made the waffles. But my new BFF, your mom, let me deliver. Because I brought you these!
Ashley does her best Vanna White impression and presents Spencer with a big vase of pink roses.

She tells Spencer that there are 18 roses because she’s turning 18 (clever girl!), but the flowers are only the first of many gifts. It must be nice to have a trust-fund girlfriend.

If I had one and she wanted to buy me anything my heart desired, I don’t think I’d even know where to begin!

Spencer protests all the material adulation sure to be in store for her, but Ashley tells her she wants to shower her with gifts so that Spencer knows that she loves her. Spencer looks pleasantly surprised to hear the words and eagerly says it right back to her little rocker. They share an annoyingly tame and brief kiss, which Ashley interrupts to quiz Spencer about all the cool things she can do now that she’s 18.

I think a better move would have been to presume the answer would be “you” and just keep kissing her instead, but whatever. Spencer immediately mentions voting and Ashley (who probably isn’t even registered!) looks incredulous, as if Spencer said she planned to adopt an injured puppy or donate blood, or something equally tame and unselfish. Ashley thinks voting is “boring.” I think she should turn on her TV and check out those No on Prop 8 PSA‘s. You can’t properly run away with your teen bride and foolishly say “screw it” to the prenup without the legal right to marry, Ashley!

Bored silly, Ashley quickly changes the topic to what a bad girlfriend she is, as she won’t be in town to celebrate. Spencer assures her, “Well, flying to New York to be on live national television from the living room is a pretty good excuse.”

Before Ashley can start talking about that particular gig, Paula rushes into Spencer’s room waving a voter registration form like it’s a winning lotto ticket. Ashley is shocked all over again. These voting citizens are nuts!

Paula’s civic pride is interrupted by her obsession with the “clutter” in Spencer’s room. She nervously begins tidying up, which Spencer deduces can mean only one thing: Paula’s mother is coming for a visit! Paula attempts a smile, but she’s practically wringing her surgically-trained hands right off of her body.

Grandmama must be a scary piece of work to reduce Mother Superior to a big bag of nerves. The glamorous life -Back at Chez Davies, Spencer watches as Ashley packs for her trip.

Ashley: Your grandma does know that you’re gay, right? Spencer: Well…do you ever want people to know without actually having to tell them? Ashley: Yeah, all the time.
Their “coming out to grandma” strategery is interrupted by Jake’s overly-dramatic tirade about how the “girls” can’t ride in coach.

Spencer spies the nifty little video camera that Ashley once used to capture everyone’s “first time” confessionals for her “documentary” (yeah, I need to remember that one). She asks if she can borrow it and I immediately wonder what’s kind of embarrassing footage is going to “accidentally” get recorded and made viral.

The old theater rule about having guns in a scene (don’t do it unless you’re gonna use ’em) now holds true for video cameras. Is video the new weaponry?

Of course, Ashley agrees, then remembers to present Spencer with her next gift. She pulls out a big, jangly key ring and Spencer’s eyes widen. “You’re giving me your car?” Uh, no. The keys to Ashley’s Porsche are only for the weekend. That’s just long enough to give Spencer a taste of the good life and keep her coming back for more. Jake hustles everyone out of the apartment, including Kyla, who has barely stumbled out of her room. She complains that she’s “sick” and he tells her she’s not. Clearly, they’re still in that charming honeymoon stage of their relationship. I feel like I’ve seen this dynamic somewhere before. I hope it turns out better for Kyla!

Who’s that girl -Spencer is lugging her grandma’s suitcase through the airport parking lot and making harmless small talk. Grandma (played by guest star Patty McCormack) tells Spencer that she sat next to a “hippie type” jewelry-making lady on the plane and bought a necklace (engraved with the word “Always”) from her for Spencer.

Just as she’s presenting it, she gets a glimpse of their ride. Her invisible judgment tentacles spring into the air and begin twitching, “Did your mother buy you this car?” (i.e. “Paula had better be saving up for my retirement home fund!”) Spencer explains that the car belongs to a “really good friend” who’s in New York. The tentacles fly up again and Grandma whispers, “A boyfriend?” Wrong again, grandma. Spencer croaks, “Uh no, not a boyfriend.” Grandma is relieved. “That’s my good girl. You’re too young. Focus on school. Spend time with your girlfriends.” Well, if you insist!

Where have I seen grandma before? Wait, I know! She used to be a horrible little girl. A really evil little girl named Rhoda Penmark. But you may know her as The Bad Seed. Spencer’s grandmother is theBad Seed? She’s got bigger problems than I ever imagined.

Paint a picture, it’ll last longer – Glen is at Chelsea’s studio picking out a painting to give Spencer for her birthday. We haven’t really talked about this, but don’t you think there’s a little something something going on with these two? Glen has some actual manners when he’s with her, and she’s the only person in his life who doesn’t tell him what a loser he is every day. It may not sound like much, but some marriages have been built on less!

Glen chooses one really interesting image, only to find out it was Chelsea’s rough sketch for Clay’s memorial contest, the one she’s decided not to enter. She thinks honoring Clay’s memory is “too much pressure” and she just wants to put the whole tragedy behind her. Glen gives her a sweet little pep talk, reminding her that she’s an artist and chiding her for caving to a little pressure. Unlike everyone else in Los Angeles, Chelsea listens to Glen, and she reconsiders.

Cleanliness is next to godliness – While waiting for Spencer to roll up to the house with The Germinated Seed in tow, Paula is scraping the gunk off of her window panes. She’s been in a cleaning frenzy and Arthur has had it! He reminds her that she’s an adult now and that “some people” (i.e. “your bitch mother”) will never be happy, so one shouldn’t waste time trying to please them.

Just as his words are sinking in, Spencer and The Seed show up.

Paula puts on a happy face, and so does Arthur, but not The Seed. She screws up her face when making reference to “the fancy car” that she rode home in, and when Arthur goes in for the obligatory son-in-law smooch, she stuffs her purse in his face. I half expect her to scream “Masher!” when she does it. But, alas, she does not.

You can’t win if you don’t play- Across town, Chelsea and Glen show up just in time for Chelsea to present her application for the memorial contest. But this makes them super late for Spencer’s birthday barbeque. Glen’s not worried. He tells her, “That’s okay, they expect me to be late. And I don’t like to exceed expectations.” Glen is slowly becoming a sad clown.

Chelsea suggests that he spend more time working on himself and less worrying about her, and she even asks, “Why do you care so much?” (Which is actually a girly way of asking, “Do you like me?”)

Glen claims that he’s just protecting his brother’s memory, but adds, “And when you’re working, you make this cute scrunchy face…” Don’t make me say “I told you so!”

Twenty questions – Back at the Carlin abode, Paula is prepping Spencer’s room for The Seed, fluffing the pillows and spraying Lez-B-Gone© all over the sheets.

The Seed wants to know where Spencer will be sleeping, and gasps audibly when she learns its Clay’s room. What the hell? Does she think it’s haunted?

The Seed insists on sleeping on the couch as she gazes at a picture of Clay.

The Seed: Such a sweet boy. He was like a grandson to me. Paula: Mom, he was your grandson.

As Bette Porter would say, “Monster!”

Spencer enters the room just as The Seed is getting warmed up.

The Seed: (looking at photos) Who is this girl in so many pictures? Paula: That’s Ashley. Spencer: That’s my friend who I borrowed the car from, the one who’s in New York. The Seed: (diabolically) Aahhh. She picks up a family photo clearly taken at gay pride, with everyone waving their rainbow flags. The only thing that could make this picture any gayer would be Mr. Slave as he’s out-whoring Paris Hilton.

The Seed: Where was this picture taken? Spencer: I’m glad you asked – Paula: At a picnic, in West Hollywood. The Seed: (suspiciously) That’s nice…

Flame (of Hell) broiled – As they carry plates of food out to the backyard like good women should, Spencer asks Paula why she stopped her from coming out to The Seed. Paula claims that she doesn’t want Spencer getting hurt. I think she means hurt emotionally, not ripped limb from limb by her scary meemaw.

The Seed comes out in time to see Aiden manning the barbeque grill. What is he doing here? Did he ever go home after the last time he and Arthur bonded?

The Seed likes what she sees, and she starts thinking about keeping the family line going (and sexy!). She basically asks (but in formal meemaw talk) “Who’s the stud behind the grill?” and flirtatiously asks him to fry up a burger for her. Aiden smiles and nods obliviously. It’s what he does.

Spencer hustles some grub over to Aiden, who eagerly asks about her and Ashley.

Aiden: I hear you and Ash are back on. Spencer: Um…yeah. I’m sorry … Aiden: No, that’s great. I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Duh!

A New York state of mind -Having flown to New York, ostensibly in first class, Kyla and Ashley arrive at the green room for their appearance on TLR (get it?). Ever the savant, Ashley protests, “It’s not even green!”

Skeevy Ethan blasts into the room to fawn over Ashley and pay nominal attention to Kyla, which is fine because she should only have to worry about one jerk at a time.

Ethan asks them if they’re “ready to rock” and offers to check out the sound equipment, but Jake, without any subtlety, deters him. Hmmm, I wonder why?

Ashley wants to rehearse, but Kyla begs off. She still claims to be sick and wants to rest her voice for their live performance.

Jake defends Kyla’s party lifestyle, and Ashley pulls her aside for a pep talk. She starts with, “I know it isn’t you…” to which Kyla practically screeches, “What?!?!” No, Ashley doesn’t mean that she knows Kyla’s “voice” on the track was a fraud. She means that she knows music isn’t Kyla’s thing, and that she’s only doing it for Ashley.

Really? Because I thought she was doing it because she wanted the attention. Oh well, no matter. Ashley’s words are kind enough to make Kyla feel guilty about her fraudulent vocal track on their song. She’s just about to spill the beans when Jake overhears and quickly separates them.

A new world’s record -In what has to be the fastest elimination process of all time, Chelsea learns that she’s been selected to design Clay’s memorial. Seriously, when she gets the call she’s standing just outside the door of where she went to meet the judges just minutes before. She’s thrilled, and Glen is too because it gives him a legitimate reason to hug her.

They dash off to Spencer’s party and announce the good news. Everyone is shrieking and jumping for joy when Glen spies Aiden and Arthur nuzzling behind the grill in their matching aprons. Glen offers to help but is rejected. When all else fails, he taunts Aiden for wearing the apron. That doesn’t work either.

Glen has been replaced.

Guess who’s coming to dinner – Ding dong. No, the witch isn’t dead. She’s upstairs in Spencer’s room, probably snooping in her things. Anyway, at the door is the lesbian contingency, Lily and her “friend” Johnaca.

Johnaca looks like the love child of The L Word’s Shane and Amanda Barrett from The Ditty Bops. Which means that she might break your heart, but she’ll do it melodically.

We’re supposed to know that Johnaca is a bad girl because she brings beer to the party and makes eyes at Spencer while her arm is slung over Lily. We’ll see if The Seed lets her keep that slutty arm of hers or if she rips it off by the end of the barbecue

The same old song and dance -Ashley steals a moment to call Spencer and tell her how much she loves and misses her. But just as she’s hanging up, Ethan enters the room and he’s clearly on a mission.

After some obligatory work small talk, Ethan makes his move on Ashley. She’s surprised, but he calls her out on her mixed messages. Citing “the flirting” and “the almosts,” Ethan tells her she’s the “one that got away.” Ashley essentially tells him “thanks, but no thanks,” and professes her love for Spencer.

We don’t need another hero -Back at the barbecue, Glen watches glumly as Aiden and Arthur shred some plastic together (i.e. play Guitar Hero). It’s is a little creepy; Aiden telling Arthur that he’s “pretty good for an old guy” and Arthur excitedly telling Aiden how “awesome” he is at the game. The irony is that Glen is probably even more awesome than Aiden at Guitar Hero. Aiden has school and hobbies, Glen is unemployed and injured. Who has the most time to devote to their craft?

Chelsea finds Glen watching them, and she reminds him that he is allowed to join in the fun. He’s not interested, as the whole “parent as pal” dynamic weirds him out. Chelsea knows that’s not really the case and reminds him that Arthur has lost a son, so maybe Glen should cut him a little slack.

I think that since Arthur has lost a son he should pay attention to the son that remains, not try to find a more buff, less dorky version of Clay to bond with. No wonder Glen has such a complex! Chelsea makes it all a little better by telling Glen that he’s awesome and flirting with him a little. Who needs therapy?

Hungry like the wolf -At the barbecue, Spencer and Lily watch in awe as Johnaca makes herself a s’more. Bad girls do everything better, right?

Johnaca: I don’t think I’ve made a s’more before. Spencer: Really? Johnaca: I’m from New York, we don’t exactly s’more it up in Brooklyn. Spencer: But weren’t you like a Girl Scout or something? Johnaca: Hell yeah! But I was busy doing s’more of something else in the woods, if you know what I mean.
This is the weirdest conversation ever.
Lily: Too much information, John. Spencer: (shocked and giggling) That’s hilarious! Johnaca: (leering) I like Spencer. She gets me. Lily: No, I just think she thinks you’re cute.
What the hell? Are these girls swingers?

Spencer escapes the inevitable awkward silence that follows a dumb comment like that by going off to fetch more graham crackers, which makes her seem even more naïve and innocent. She’s Bad Girl Bait, and John takes it!

She jumps up and races after Spencer. “Hey, Spencer. Yeah…you’ve…got a little marshmallow on your lip.” She slowly and deliberately wipes the alleged marshmallow from Spencer’s lip, right there in the backyard in front of Paula and everybody.

And by “everybody,” I mean The Seed.

The Seed: Who are those girls? Paula: Oh, Lily is the filmmaker who produced the documentary that featured Clay. The Seed: I don’t mean to judge – Paula: You never do. The Seed: But do you think those are the kinds of people that Spencer should be hanging out with?

Good call, meemaw. I don’t think Spencer should be hanging out with poser girls who try too hard to act sexy and speak in hushed porn-y toned voices either

Paula fights back, telling The Seed that Spencer is 18 and that she doesn’t tell her who to hang out with. The Seed sniffs, “You know what I’m talking about.”

Spencer joins the conversation and The Seed just lets it rip.

The Seed: Spencer, you know your friends, the one with the shirt and the other one with the – Paula: Mom, don’t. The Seed: It would appear that they are… Spencer: Gay. Does that bother you, grandma? The Seed: I don’t judge. But, we all have choices to make. Spencer: Well I think when you’re gay, it’s not really a “choice.” The Seed: Oh there’s always a choice. We all have feelings, but we don’t always act on them. It’s what separates us from the beasts.
Aww, meemaw is good with kids and animals! With The Seed’s tone starting to get biblical, Paula steps in.
Paula: Mom, Spencer’s gay. The Seed: What? Paula, how could you say such a horrible thing? Spencer: It’s not horrible, grandma, it’s true. I’m gay. The Seed: (to Paula) Do you see what happens when you turn away from traditional family values? Your mother never had any respect for them. Please don’t make the same mistakes she did.
That would be kind of impossible, unless they find a way to scramble together Spencer and Ashley’s eggs.
Paula: Mistakes? That “mistake” is outside helping his father clean up after his sister’s party. I got pregnant in college, I married a man you didn’t like. My God mom, I’ve spent my entire life trying to please you. And as it turns out, I’ve been married to that wonderful man for almost 20 years. I’m a surgeon, and a mother to two beautiful children and one whose death I will never get over. This is my family, and none of it was a mistake. The Seed: Well you’re making one now. I did not raise you this way. Paula: No, you didn’t! I spent my whole life feeling guilty and ashamed. And I was nearly going to do that to Spencer, in fact I was. But I won’t. I can do better. The Seed: A mother’s job is to guide her child, teach her right from wrong. Paula: Mom, a mother’s job is to love her child unconditionally, and to be proud of her. It took my daughter to teach me that. And if you can’t accept it, then that’s your problem, not mine.
Wow, I did not see that coming back in the day when Paula was dragging Ashley out of Spencer’s bedroom by a fistful of hair!

I don’t think I can, in good conscience, call Paula “Mother Superior” anymore. However, “Grandmother Superior” is totally up for grabs.

Sing a song -In New York, Ashley is gearing up for the big performance and Kyla is chanting “I can’t do this.” Not a good sign. Remember when I told you I sensed an episode of acid reflux coming on? It’s happening. Ashley starts to catch on that there might be something awry just as the stage manager starts to count them in for their performance.

The song begins and it’s immediately a train wreck. Kyla is swaying off-tempo, and Ashley is on key but frozen in place with a petrified look on her face.

Then Kyla appears to forget the words to the song but her part keeps playing and the whole thing looks like Godzilla: The Musical! (Kyla still sounds off-key to me. If you lip sync, shouldn’t the track at least be on-key?) Back a Chez Carlin everyone watching gasps in horror. Glen predicts, “Ashley is going to freak!”

Diving into the wreckage -Ashley is just getting back into her apartment when Spencer calls. She asks if Ash is ok, and she tells her,

“Well, my music career is completely over. But other than that, I’m great.” Spencer offers to come cheer her up (bring your trench coat!), but Ashley wants to get some rest first.

Spencer hangs up with Ash only to be faced with her next problem, The Seed. She’s packed up her family values and is ready to go back home.

Spencer: Grandma, you don’t have to go. The Seed: Oh, I think it would be best. Spencer: Can you even look at me? The Seed: I never loved your grandfather. When I married him, I thought I could. But I never did. Yet I stayed married to him until the day he passed away. Spencer: Why? The Seed: Because it was the right thing to do. Spencer: But doesn’t your heart tell you what’s right? The Seed: If it were only that simple. Spencer: Maybe it is. The Seed: I should get going Spencer: Grandma, no matter what, you are always in my heart.
It’s a nice sentiment, but it doesn’t keep The Seed from speeding away in her gilded cab from the scene of the big gay crime.

Next week on South of Nowhere – Kyla plays Meet the Press while Ashley meets her competition.

 

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button