Welcome back, everyone! Remember back in September 2007 when I posted my last South of Nowhere recap, and I promised we’d start things back up again in the spring? Well, it wasn’t to be. The N, in their infinite wisdom, delayed the final episodes of the series (this will be the last season for SON) for more than a year.
A year is a long time when you’re in high school. In that amount of time you can graduate (or get held back), move out of your parents’ home, wrack up a few thousand dollars worth of student loan debt or even start a cult.
Luckily for all of us, none of that happened since the “Gay Pride” episode aired.
In fact, watching this SON episode was like reconnecting with an old friend. An old friend who shows up at your house wearing only a trench coat and a smile.
That’s where we left things with young lovers Spencer and Ashley last year, locked in a half-naked, steamy embrace in Ashley’s doorway. How’s that working out for them? Let’s find out!
Let sleeping girls lie – We’re back in Ashley’s room again for another “morning after” with Spencer. Maybe it’s because I haven’t visited their world in quite some time, but I don’t remember Ashley’s room looking quite so modular and…purple. It’s like Prince and Dita Von Teese got hitched and had West Elm furnish their boudoir (theme – Gothic Bruising)! Remember last year when Spencer spent the night with Ash and all hell broke loose when she went home? No? Apparently, neither does Spencer. She wakes up, all doe-eyed as usual, with perfectly rumpled hair and calling out sweetly for Ashley. Ash pops out of the bathroom and flits to her side.
Spencer: Since when are you up before noon? Ashley: I had trouble sleeping – I had to keep pinching myself to make sure that you’re really here.Nah, I think it was her own outfit that kept her awake. Its neon glow was probably pulsing from the closet.
Ashley admits that she probably should have roused Spencer, but she couldn’t resist watching her sleep. Spencer is charmed by the declaration, and doesn’t appear at all terrified at the prospect of what Mother Superior might do to her when she finally shows her face at home again.
She tells Ashley, “When I saw you at pride with my mom, I knew everything was different.”
Yeah, that was swell. But unless Ashley lobotomized Paula that day with the sharp end of her rainbow flag, I don’t think she’s going to approve of their little sleepover. They’re just about to resume their A-frame (connected at the lips but nowhere else) kissing when Creepy Sex Blogger Jake walks in on them.
Ugh, him again. As Spencer’s been busy dating (and escaping) crazy high school girls (remember Carmen?), she missed out on the invasion of the Isle of Davies by the Owen Wilson-alike.
Jake introduces himself as “Ashley and Kyla’s manager,” but Ash quickly corrects him. “He’s Kyla’s manager. He’s my nothing.” Heh.
He scuttles away and Spencer frantically gets dressed for school. What’s the sudden rush? Career Day!
Ash rolls her eyes and adds another entry to her long list of reasons why she loves studying for the GED. Ashley sees it as a perfect day for cutting, but Spencer can’t do it because Mother Superior has volunteered to show the King High kids how to be a castrating, self-righteous, recovering homophobe doctor!
Call me square, but I think that a Job Fair can be pretty dang entertaining!
After Spencer leaves, Ash goes out to the north wing of her apartment to find Kyla crashed on the couch as Jake phishes her Facebook account, siphons money from her savings or conducts some other such important online business. Ash rouses her, but Kyla’s still in her party clothes and runs out of the room to barf. Ashley gives Jake a “What have you done to my half-sister?” look, and he just shrugs and tells her, “It’s all good.”
Damn that insensitive Jake! If Aiden were here, he would totally hold back Kyla’s hair.
Mama told me not to come – Over at King High, Paula is all decked out in her white jacket and pink-and-white blouse, which makes her look more like a candy striper than a blood—and-guts ER doctor.
I haven’t said it in over a year, so I’ll say it again now – Paula Carlin is hot!
Anyway, Spencer apologizes for being five hours late to school because she was monkeying around with Ashley. Then she has the gall to ask Paula to lie (isn’t that a sin?) and sign a note excusing her tardiness.
Apparently, Spencer thinks that since it’s OK to be gay, it’s also OK to be a big ho and spend the night at her girlfriend’s house. Spencer, “ho” and “gay” are NOT the same thing. I don’t care what you might be learning from all those trampy Los Angeles lesbians.
Paula: You could have asked me first. Spencer: Well, after yesterday, I just kind of assumed – Paula: Spencer, this has nothing to do with Ashley or you being gay. This is about you having respect for your father and me. Leaving a note on the kitchen counter is not going to cut it. Spencer: I promise it won’t happen again. Paula: Even I’m not naive enough to believe that.Um, Paula, I think she meant that she wouldn’t just leave a note on the counter again, not that she was never going to “do it” with Ashley again. Because they are totally going to “do it” again. A lot.
Spencer is sufficiently ashamed of herself, and it’s so pitiful that Paula briefly plays good cop to her own bad cop. “I was your age once, and I know what it’s like to be young and in love and exploring sexual feelings.” Yeah, but Ash is never going to get Spencer all knocked up like Arthur did Paula. Spencer shrieks in horror. Please, make the maternal sex-talk stop!
Paula: I’m not forbidding you and Ashley from spending time together. But you are still in high school, and I am still your mother.In other words, please have the decency to sneak around and do it (do it) in the daytime and at Ashley’s place like any normal teenager would.
You’re fired – Glen shows up 15 minutes late to Ashley and Kyla’s place, bearing dry-cleaning, cookies and fancy (pre-fondled) undergarments for their big recording studio debut.
When he isn’t busy being stupid-funny, Glen is gross-funny. I’d prefer that he stick with stupid-funny and leave the gross-funny to the experts.
The girls are long gone, but Jake is sleazing around the apartment and is excited to give Glen the boot. Glen doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, which is, of course, more proof that he’s a screw-up. Jake tells him that while he was talking to girls who weren’t interested in him at the club, Kyla was being accosted by the scary paparazzi that Aiden beat the crap out of in the last episode.
Glen scrunches his face as if to say, “Oh, that.”
Don’t be too sad for Glen. I suspect that Ashley and Kyla are only going to become even bigger pains in the ass as their celebrity grows. And if he really needs to have the demeaning experience of being cowed by a bossy girl in cha-cha heels, he knows where to go.
Everybody’s got their somethin’ – Career Day continues at King High, and Aiden and Chelsea are sunbathing in the quad, comparing notes and job-oriented schwag bags. Spencer joins them, and they regale her with exciting stories about all of the awesome potential careers that await them.
Aiden is giddy to learn that people are actually paid to watch video games, and that’s just the tip of his work-potential iceberg. Aiden has all sorts of money-making skills!
Chelsea, fully recuperated from the violent car accident that caused her to miscarry, is hopeful that she’ll be chosen to design the memorial for Clay and the other students who died at the fateful drive-by shooting at the prom.
Oh yeah, Clay. I’d almost completely forgotten about him.
Chelsea and Aiden have thoughtfully saved some clown-school flyers for Glen, which is a bit odd since everyone knows that not all clowns are funny.
They don’t have much confidence in poor Glen, which is just sad. If these guys can get work, Glen will do just fine!
Spencer tires of their conversation and sidles up to meet Lily at the journalism tent. (Take a good look around Spencer; you too can live in a tent almost as awesome as this one if you pursue a life of writing!) Lily, you will recall, made the documentary about Clay’s murder, and after giving Spencer a fashionable tote bag full of writer-y things, she agrees to meet her for coffee the next day to talk about writing and documentary filmmaking.
Single white male – Later on, Aiden meets up with the lovely UCLA coed Sasha for more career planning.
The last time I saw the actress who plays Sasha (Kate French), she was answering to the name “Niki Stevens,” doing some Turkish oil wrestling and making home movies with Miss Jenny Schecter on The L Word. Had I know the glorious lesbian future that was awaiting her, I would have paid more attention to her wholesome psych-major character on SON last year.
After some flirty Bruins versus Trojans banter, Aiden confesses that he’s decided that a career on Wall Street may not be for him after all (excellent timing, Aiden), and he’s thinking of going to UCLA and studying psychology instead – just like Sasha! He is such a lesbian! Why don’t they just get matching tattoos and take a holiday in Mexico already?
Can’t stop the music – At a local recording studio, the Davies girls are laying down tracks for the tribute album to their dearly departed rock ‘n’ roll dad. Ashley is rocking out in the vocal booth as a greedy Jake and woozy Kyla observe. Then it’s Kyla’s turn to shine. Or, rather, crash and burn. Horrible bleating spews forth from her trendy little diaphragm as everyone in the studio looks on in horror. I don’t know if it’s her partying lifestyle or the lack of the rock-star gene, but I suspect that an ill-timed case of acid reflux is right around the corner for Kyla. Truthfully, I’ve heard worse. And if you’re going to suck in the recording studio, you should do it big.
Hell’s kitchen – Glen runs home to complain about getting fired from his cushy job, only to find Aiden and Arthur having some girl talk in the kitchen. They give him a hard time, assuming he deserved to get fired. Aiden basically tells him to “man up” and go fight for his job, then leaves to take his college girl on a date. Arthur looks on with admiration and says, “There’s a kid who’s really getting his act together.”
Glen contemplates suicide.
Ain’t too proud to beg – As directed by the nearest Alpha male, Glen returns to Chez Davies to fight for his job. Or at least beg for it. He tells Ashley all about being dismissed by Jake, and of course she had no idea. She also doesn’t really care, because she has bigger problems. Namely, Kyla’s caterwauling. After hearing his tale of woe, she blithely replies, “Sorry, man. You’d better dust off your Sports Time uniform.”
Let’s get physical – For their date, Aiden has inexplicably taken Sasha to a gym. He gives her a boxing lesson, and then thanks her for encouraging him to get help for his PTSD. And before you can say “jock itch,” they’re making out in the locker room, flexing their perfectly formed triceps in beautiful harmony.
The boob tube – Glen is finding comfort on the couch in front of the TV when bratty Spencer barges in and rips the God-stick out of his hands. She wants to watch an important documentary that Lily recommended about a folk poet. Glen rightfully protests, and I don’t blame him. There’s plenty of other things to watch, and all just as educational. As it turns out, Spencer’s show is Left Lane, a documentary about out poet Alix Olson. Well done, Spencer. You’re getting gayer by the hour.
Paula and Arthur walk in to break up the fight, and Spencer excitedly tells her folks about Lily and her own potential career as a documentarian. Paula snorts, “Well at least one of you is thinking about the future.”
As soon as the parentals leave the room again, Glen asks Spencer why Arthur and Aiden have suddenly become such good pals, and how Aiden has replaced him as Arthur’s soup chef. Spencer doesn’t know, and doesn’t seem to care. She’s saved by the ring tone when Ashley calls, and flits away to leave Glen pondering the purpose of his own existence. At least he’s now free to change the channel!
You can talk to me – Ashley is checking in for a little love nightcap, and Spencer is happy to oblige. When she offers some “pillow talk,” Ashley registers faux shock that Spencer 3.0 has a dirty mind. They have a flirty conversation about the “old” and “new” Spencer and Ashley (Spencer is now risqué, Ashley is now punctual). As they banter, Ashley scribbles the words “Dirty Mind” across the top of her music composition book. I sure hope that this is a note-to-self urging her to buy one of Prince’s old CDs and not a new song she’s working on. Or maybe she’s just thinking of copying his wardrobe from the cover? Either way, don’t mess with perfection, baby! Prince is a way bigger hooch than Ashley will ever be.
Ashley invites Spencer over, even offering to help her with her homework, but Spencer demurs. She reminds Ashley of the power of Paula’s wrath, as well as Ashley’s own busy schedule. Ashley is “on call” for the studio, whatever the hell that means. Will there be a melody emergency tonight? If so, Ash can be there in a jiff!
It’s only make believe – The next morning, Jake plays a new and improved version of Kyla’s track for Ashley. It’s a miracle! It’s a true, blue spectacle!
Nah, it’s a fraud.
Ashley is suspicious because only last night Kyla was hopelessly tone-deaf. Jake assures her that all he did was “mess with a few levels,” but the rest is all Kyla.
Ash tells her sister that she’s proud of her, but when they’re alone Kyla reminds Jake, “That isn’t me.” Duh! He promises that no one will ever know, that it will be their little secret, which is totally possible because lip-synching scandals hardly ever come to light.
Coffee talk – Later, Spencer meets up with Lily in a local coffee shop that is so crunchy I immediately begin looking around for Alix Olson when we enter. And so does Spencer. She asks Lily if it’s a “gay place,” then adds, “Wait, are you…?” I assume she wants to know if Lily is gay, but Lily just smiles and shrugs while Spencer tries to comprehend the possibility that she might not pass as straight everywhere she goes. Yep, that’s our Spencer. A big, honkin’ dyke.
How did Lily know? She won’t reveal her “sources,” but I’d say the security guards in the hallway of Ashley’s apartment might be $20 richer.
Spencer seeks the sage counsel of the 20-something MTV intern, asking her if she’s always known what she wanted to do for a living. Spencer thinks everyone has it figured out except for her. She whines, “I feel like such an idiot. Everyone else has a plan. Even my girlfriend, right now, is in the recording studio making a record.”
Spencer, silly thing, you do have a plan. It’s called being a Rock Wife. Just ask Sharon Osborne. It’s a legitimate gig, and your artful use of the unnecessary “my girlfriend is in the studio” statement is proof that you have a natural affinity for the job. Lily assures her that people change their minds all the time, and Spencer asks her if she ever changed her mind. Lily launches into a monologue about all the things she ever wanted to be (an astronaut, the president, an unpaid intern at MTV) and the scene changes.
Celebrate good times, come on! – Now it’s nighttime and Ashley is on the phone with Spencer again, asking her if she’s woken her up with her call. Lily must have had a LOT of career changes. I hope they got free refills!
Kyla just “nailed the song” and the gang is out whooping it up. Ash tells Spencer that Kyla is doing God only knows what and that she’s gonna “bail.” Cut to Kyla passed out in Jake’s lap as he makes out with her limp body. Kyla wakes up long enough to mumble, “Oh my God, did Ashley just leave? What a bitch.”
OK, that was a-ma-zing. Kyla is so real now. She’s almost as real as JLo.
Okay, maybe not that real. She asks Jake what he’s “given” her because it’s making her feel weird. He says it’s just a “pick-me-up,” but I doubt it was ginseng herbal supplements because she’s about to pass out in his lap again.
In true Hollywood hot-mess fashion, Kyla slurs, “We could make a video for my fans. I love my fans.” Kyla, how about you don’t make a video instead?
Too late. Jake turns on his camera, they start making out, and another D-listed dream come true is about to happen.
Next week on South of Nowhere – Spencer turns 18. Now don’t you feel a whole lot less dirty?
