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“America’s Next Top Model” Cycle 11 Recaps: Episode 11.3 “The Ladder of Model Success”

Call me Miss Cleo – You know, I’ve never thought of myself as being particularly psychic. It’s not often that I can accurately predict the future … although one morning last week I thought, “I’m having tacos for dinner!” and then, like, eight hours later I totally did!

Obviously I’m tapping into some heretofore-unknown magical predicting abilities because within the first 45 seconds of last night’s episode, I knew who was going home.

OK, fine, either I’m suddenly clairvoyant or the editing telegraphed the ending right from the beginning, with Nikeysha blah blahing here and blah blahing there about how she blah blahs too much and she needs to improve her game.

Reality show rule of thumb: Screen time is often a death knell.

Look around, everywhere you turn is heartache – The girls are shuffled into a warehouse where they’re greeted by the infamous Benny Ninja, Top Model‘s resident posing instructor.

As Benny sits all flexy-style atop a box, a few thoughts enter my mind – first, I’m surprised that his last name is “Ninja” because he doesn’t look Japanese at all, and second, how does one become a “posing instructor”? Why didn’t my high school guidance counselor ever suggest this occupation to me? I want to be a posing instructor!

Last night I decided to pursue this new career with vigor and I spent some time working with my cat. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but after 20 minutes of “Girrrrl, not like that – like this!” Madame Tinkles was looking fierce, y’all.

Anyway, Mr. Ninja and his cohort, Bree, a “model and entertainer” who travels the world dazzling crowds with her “extreme posing,” show the girls a trick or two before telling them to climb inside some giant pantyhose and start vogueing.

Sheena shows off her rubber-limbed prowess by practically wrapping her leg around her head, and she does well, although she still needs to learn the distinction between “model sexy” and “hooch sexy.”

It’s a lesson we all need to learn at some point in our lives.

Nikeysha, on the other hand, is told that her skills aren’t quite up to snuff – or rather, that she alternately looks like she’s gassy or in labor. I start to have high school senior portrait flashbacks … Why did I ever think that being photographed inside a large fabric tube was a good idea?

Model stew – Everyone piles in the Jacuzzi and plays a rousing game of Truth or Dare. In a shocking twist, Sheena chooses “dare” and Elina immediately tells her to dance for everyone. Sheena complies and does her best Fly Girl routine, shaking all of her bits and pieces in various ways.

She’s kind of like an episode of “Yo, MTV Raps!” come to life, and that’s kind of why I dig her.

Elina strikes again – Someone in the hot tub dares Elina and Clark to kiss, and I have to say, for being so “traditionally minded” last week, Clark certainly didn’t seem to mind. If anything, she seemed to actually enjoy it – sporting a big smile and talking about “funny little secrets.” Elina, meanwhile, was over the moon about it: “It was amazing. I saw fireworks … It was great to finally kiss her.”

Yes, phew, finally! They’ve been living together … what, 20 minutes? I mean, how long is a woman supposed to wait before making out with someone she’s just met?

Truth, dare or awkwardness – Hannah, on the other hand, looks like she’s about to barf thanks to this behavior that’s a little “extreme for (her) tastes.” She’s from a small town in Alaska, remember? She’s only mentioned it four or five hundred times, so maybe you didn’t know.

At any rate, Hannah than starts down a road that can only lead to tears, drama and more dramatic tears by saying, “I generally wouldn’t hang out with characters like Elina or Sheena or Isis because she’s a transgender.”

Now, we could sit here and process that statement until Top Model enters Cycle 846 (holy crap, I hope Top Model is on that long), but when editing means that’s the only thing we hear Hannah say, there’s no telling what she meant. Absolutely, it’s a poor choice of words, but did she mean that she wouldn’t hang out with Isis because she’s transgender, or did she mean she wouldn’t be exposed to many people like Isis in her small hometown?

Dammit, I need a Top Model decoder ring.

The push heard ’round the world – Things in the hot tub go from awkward to really effing awkward when Isis almost backs into Hannah and Hannah gives her a little shove. Whatever the motivation may have been, the push certainly brought the Jacuzzi shenanigans to a screeching halt.

The household left reality TV phase one (lite lesbianish frolicking) and promptly entered phase two (divide, bitch and conquer).

How many feet can one mouth hold? – Sheena and Brittany decide to address ShoveGate with Hannah by giving her some simple advice: What you say and what you do affects other people, so try to be self-aware.

Hannah demonstrates her self-awareness by describing herself as a “stereotypical white girl” and proceeds to talk herself into a hole she can’t possibly get out of. She digs herself deeper and deeper by displaying what, in all honesty, seems to be more misguided ignorance and inarticulation than maliciousness. Eventually she breaks down crying and suddenly the show has become rather unfierce.

As virtually every female on the planet has experienced at one time or another, lines are drawn in the sand as groups form, the gossip begins and the pack mentality takes over.

Nikeysha, Sheena, Brittany and Joslyn start talking, things begin to spiral out of control, and Hannah’s foot-in-mouth syndrome becomes full-on “prejudice.”

<Insert theme from The Golden Girls here> – For her part in all this, Isis has more important things to worry about than controversy and semantics: As part of her transition, she’s got to self-administer hormone injections. The process is obviously painful – so much so that she needs to recruit an “injection buddy” to distract her from the needle in her leg. She asks Analeigh to sit with her, and Analeigh happily complies. She makes faces, tells jokes and sees the opportunity to do so as somewhat of an honor, telling Isis afterward: “I take it as a huge compliment that you asked me to be there, so thank you.”

For this awesome attitude, Analeigh wins this week’s “I Heart Her” Award – no doubt she’d see this as another big honor.

Let’s play dress-up! – Tyra Mail! Lauren Brie gets her Sherlock Holmes on and figures out The Case of the Mysterious Missive: “It has to do with some kind of posing!” Posing? In a modeling competition? Now I’ve heard everything!

She’s totally right, however, and the challenge involves posing with purses and “making the collection pop,” according to Benny Ninja.

Whilst describing their task, he uses the word “innovative” and it’s a delight to see how the models interpret that suggestion. Handbags are dangled from toes and chandeliers, and Sheena takes it upon herself to accentuate the purse with her … womanpurse. Wink wink, if you know what I mean – she plants the purse in front of her crotch, which is not at all hoochtastic. Rather, it’s feng shui.

Nikeysha has yet to listen to her own advice with regard to talking less and proceeds to inform the design team that she has to pee. My Spider Sense tingles and methinks the writing is on the wall for Miss N.

Elina’s Purse Fu is quite strong, however, and she wins the challenge.

P.S., you’re racist – With the day and the challenge behind them, it’s time for the girls to dive headlong back into drama with a capital omigod she did not. Sheena, Brittany, Nikeysha and Joslyn decide to confront Hannah face to face about stuff she may or may not have said.

Rather than beat around the bush, Joslyn plows straight through it and asks Hannah if she’s a racist.

After picking her eyes up off the floor and putting them back in her head, Hannah decides not to run around in circles defending herself: “I am sorry you feel that I’m a racist and prejudiced, but now it’s time for me to go to sleep. But thank you for critiquing me, that’s cool!”

Even though she’s not doing herself any favors, I kind of admire her refusal to engage in sparring with the pack – she’s a bit like a pill bug. Poke her and she curls up!

Marjorie attempts to be the voice of reason, suggesting that perhaps Hannah felt a bit ambushed by the whole situation. Of course, no one likes a voice of reason. Marjorie wasn’t there when it all went down, see, and Joslyn snaps, “Y’all don’t know nothin’ about it!”

No one points out that Joslyn wasn’t there either … or that her grammar is anything but fierce.

Hannah sums up the ordeal in a tearful confessional: “This is so awful … wow. This is not very nice!” What a bitch! I begin to feel pretty bad for her, although her likening the experience to “gang rape or gang violence” miiiiiiiight be stretching things just a teensy bit.

Around the world in 80 poses – Finally, we get to the photo shoot! The girls are meant to dangle from ladders that are dangling from hot air balloons, but it’s too windy. The ladders are hoisted up by crane instead and the balloons are going to be poorly Photoshopped in later.

Hannah has moved on from the previous night’s drama, but no one else has – the fab four are still discussing Hannah’s attitude whilst 45 pounds of eye shadow are being applied to their faces.

They really need to focus … or in the case of Nikeysha, they need to pray – literally.

After her shoot, Nikeysha quips, “Hopefully there’s a really good shot in there and I can redeem myself because I surely need some redemption praise the Lord hallelujah I need some.” There’s no punctuation in that sentence because the girl never pauses to take a friggin’ breath.

As per usual, the models pose out to varying degrees of success: Isis forgets her face and how to use it, Hannah states the obvious by declaring this to be her “second photo shoot,” and Sheena gives an awesome display of Butt Fu by balancing on the ladder using only the mighty power of her cheeks.

Up, up and away – The drama subsides long enough for the girls to stand before the judge’s panel.

Nikeysha fares the worst in critique. Tyra calls her eating habits into question, and Paulina says Nikeysha’s photo reminds her of “a paper bag with pipe cleaners coming out of it.” Rather than actually address the issue or make any serious statements about weight, Miss J suggests she eat a cheeseburger, everyone laughs, and the matter is dropped.

Elina and Lauren Brie are praised for their efforts, and I have to give it up for Lauren Brie – her picture is fantastic, although there’s still something … err, I don’t know, fetal, about her that doesn’t jibe with me.

Marjorie’s name is called, which means it’s time to crank up the accordion music. Fine, she was born in France, we get it! The girl lives in San Francisco now, however, and I’m sure she no longer spends her time like this:

That’s right, “no longer.” I mean, isn’t this how the French live their lives?

When it’s Sheena’s turn before the judges, the hooch issue once again surfaces: Paulina notices that Sheena’s breasts are “so … placed” and asks if they’re fake. Sheena replies, essentially, “No … wait, I mean yes.” Tyra applauds her honesty, while all the other judges remain unimpressed.

Shhhhh – The moment of reckoning arrives and Lauren Brie (who has taken “one of the best photos in Top Model history”), Elina and Joslyn place 1-2-3 respectively.

Isis and Nikeysha comprise the bottom two.

Isis is apparently such a hot mess at panel that the judges wonder if her wonderful photos are just a fluke, while Nikeysha is, essentially, too damn talkative. She even talks while Tyra’s giving her critique, which prompts one of my favorite Top Modelisms, the obviously dubbed admonishment: “And you need to learn to listen!”

That’s a lesson to be learned another day, however, and Nikeysha is sent packing. She jokes that she’s going to go become an anesthesiologist … of course, she’s joking while Tyra is presenting Isis with her photo and Tyra has to tell her to shut the eff up.

Nikeysha stops talking for a whole minute or two, although thanks to some genius editing Nikeysha is soon blabbing away once more, right over the credits and off into the night. “I wouldn’t change it,” she says, and I totally agree with her.

Next week — The best part of every Cycle: MAKEOVERS!

Get more info on the official Top Model website, and read previous ANTM recaps here.

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