“Army Wives” mini-cap: You can’t always get what you want


How many Lifetime-ish storylines can you fit into 60 minutes? I think we found out on this week’s episode of Army Wives.

We saw betrayal, drugs, adultery, death, addiction, sexual experimentation — OK, that last one isn’t the normal Lifetime story. But never fear; the way the writers treated the much-teased same-sex kiss was the closest I’ve ever come to being bored watching two women lock lips. In fact, I think Lifetime has created a whole new genre: girl-on-girl inaction. But let’s save that for last, shall we?

The kiss of death

Denise is beside herself about Getti’s motorcycle accident — and beside him is where she wants to stay while his condition is critical. Trouble is, Frank’s home on his mid-tour leave. Seeing those two together again is like nails on a chalkboard. (Do schools still have chalkboards?) To Frank’s credit, he is trying very hard to be sweet and understanding. Denise tries to put on a good front, but sorry, Frank, she’s just not that into you.

Frank realizes that all is not well and tries to talk to Denise, then offers to take her out for a nice, romantic dinner. But when he stops by the hospital, he sees Denise at Getti’s bedside, kissing his hand. Oops. Denise doesn’t see Frank, but I have a feeling he’s not going to stay silent for long.

Later, Denise stops by Getti’s bedside once again, this time in a sundress. She looked so adorable that she made my heart skip a beat, so it’s no surprise that Getti’s heart stopped completely right after she walked out of the ICU. As Alison Sudol sings “Goodbye, my almost lover,” we say goodbye to Dr. Getti. Sniff.

The agony of the ecstasy

Last week’s bust didn’t stop the flow of drugs to the base high school, as Roland discovers when he finds a bag of happy pills on a student which I assume is ecstasy. Hey, how should I know? I’m from the psychedelic generation.

As we suspected last week, the source of the drugs is none other than Emmalin’s new love, Quinn. His charm and good looks have served him well, at least until he met Em. After he is arrested, we learn that Em is the one who tipped off the MPs that Quinn might be dealing. Even though Em’s heart is broken, we get a glimpse in this episode of just how strong she is. And a glimpse of how sexy Claudia Joy is when she’s being all maternal.

The pain in the posterior

Trevor and Joan both are dealing with feeling useless — Trevor because he’s still unable to return to active duty and Joan because she’s been put on bed rest for a while.

Now that Joan is confined to home, Trevor’s driving duties have been reduced to going for ice cream and delivering mail. He is understandably frustrated, so does double duty on working out his shoulder. Apparently, he doubles the soreness in the process, and continues to pop pain pills like candy. And Roxy has started to notice.

Joan, for her part, struggles with being left out of the drug investigation and writes a strategy for Evan, which he promptly ignores. Joan is furious to learn that Evan ordered a raid and locker search during school hours, upsetting everyone. Trevor brings Michael and Evan to Joan’s to give her the chance to register her disapproval. Although she chastises Trevor for surprising her like that, she’s obviously glad she got to speak her mind. Maybe Evan will learn his lesson this time. Nah.

I do need to ask ya’ll about something in this storyline. At one point, Roland catches Joan in the kitchen and admonishes her for being out of bed. He says, “You’re missing all kinds of reruns of ‘That’s My Mama.’” Seriously? Granted, I’ve probably only seen two episodes of that show in my life, but is that a show Joan would be catching up on? It just seems so random. I must be missing something here.

The playdate’s the thing

What I wish I’d missed was Brenda and Pamela. Brenda, the reporter from last week, is still hanging around, seducing Pamela with yoga and iced tea. At Betty’s, Brenda broaches the subject of how to deal with no sex while the hubby’s away. Pamela tells her she doesn’t cheat and she’s not the electronics type, so she’s not sure what Brenda means. Right, Pam.

Next thing we know, Brenda and Pamela are sitting on the couch drinking wine. Brenda mentions a fun “adult” playdate she had with another wife. She says husbands think it’s OK for their wives to deal with horniness loneliness in “other ways.” Brenda scoots in close, gives Pamela a little smile and kisses her. It is totally not hot. But don’t take my word for it.

Did you notice the saxophone riff during the kiss? Porn music. Katherine Fugate, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Of course, Pamela is shocked. Shocked! At least that’s what she tells Roxy, who also is shocked. Let me get this, um, straight. Pamela, the ex-streetcop, and Roxy, the ex-hussy, are freaked out that women have sex with other women? And neither has ever kissed a woman? Sorry, I’m not buying it. Especially when they have a brief footsie moment that is about a hundred times hotter than the kiss.

I don’t have to tell you that I’m disappointed in how this storyline went. I was hoping that at least Brenda would turn out to be a lesbian or bisexual and we’d see how the wives would interact with her. But to make her a straight woman who considers sex with other women as a temporary substitute for her husband seems little more than a ratings ploy.

Do you agree? Do you expect this storyline to go anywhere or disappear along with Roland’s infidelity and Joan’s PSTD? What would you like to see in the last three episodes of the season?

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