TV

Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (July 4, 2008)

BONJOUR, LESBIAN DREAM COUPLING Imagine a film where Mary-Louise Parker and Julie Delpy play lovers. Now imagine a film where Mary-Louise Parker and Julie Delpy play lovers in Paris.

Now imagine a film where Mary-Louise Parker and Julie Delpy play lovers in Paris that you wouldn’t have to imagine – because it is actually in the works. The film Les Passages, from first-time feature writer-director Donna Vermeer, is currently in pre-production. The synopsis, as posted on the movie’s website, says that it follows a New York filmmaker named Catherine as she flees the Big Apple for Paris with her photographer daughter, Claire (not yet cast). There she begins to film an American movie because the City of Light reminds her of the New Jersey suburbs of her youth. I think that’s probably the meanest thing anyone has ever said about Paris. In between filming she meets French actress Anna (Delpy), who winds up playing her mother in her movie. Their encounter “sets her life, and heart, on another course.” Hello, swoon.

Now, filming hasn’t started and this is very much an independent project, so who knows if it will ever really start. But with those stars attached and such potential swoony romanticism ahead, I think we should all use the power of positive thinking and make this dream come true.

I’M UNDER YOUR SPELL We’ve had Nerd Willow, Wicca Willow, Dark Willow and now Naked Willow. Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the ongoing Buffy Season 8 comic book series, announced that everyone’s favorite red-haired lesbian witch is going au naturelle in an upcoming issue. According to MTV News:

“It’ll be tasteful, unless (artist Karl Moline) does it the way I wrote it,” Whedon laughed. Don’t assume it’s another sex scene with Buffy, but something is about to happen that will rock the Scoobies’ world.”
Naked Willow and the rocking of worlds? This is exactly why I leave small offerings at my Joss Whedon shrine each and every morning. Genius like this must be worshiped and rewarded.

A SNARK AND A HAIRCUT, TWO BITS Out lesbian hairstylist Tabatha Coffey‘s new reality show Tabatha’s Salon Takeover opens for business Aug. 21 on Bravo. Coffey originally appeared on last year’s debut season of Bravo reality contest Shear Genius. Her spin-off sounds a bit like the hairstylist’s version of Hell’s Kitchen, with her whipping unsatisfactory salons into shape. Sharp-tongued, straight-talking Australian native Coffey is known for her acerbic comments and perfect coif. She will tackle salons in the Los Angeles and New York areas, and previews have said she leaves some unsuspecting owners in tears. Wow, a wickedly snarky lesbian with fashion sense and great hair. Take that, flannel and mullets.

by Dorothy Snarker

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISSY Bisexual Australian singer/songwriter Missy Higgins will be on the Fine Living Network’s new series It’s Easy Being Green this Saturday, July 5, at 2:30 p.m. PT.

She will be discussing her green tour travels with hostess Renee Loux. Missy is also an advocate for the Sierra Club’s 2 percent initiative, which “which seeks an 80 percent cut in carbon emissions by 2050, or 2 percent a year.” The musician recorded a PSA for the organization, as did William Shatner. Missy’s is better, especially because of that accent. (Don’t you just love how she says “ca-hs?”) Also, as of press time, her music career is going way better than Shatner’s.

ALANIS GETS STERN ABOUT HER BISEXUAL PAST Musician Alanis Morissette recently went on The Howard Stern Show recently to promote her new album, and was (of course) prodded to discuss her past sexual experiences – including those involving the fairer sex.

Alanis said she “experimented” in her teens and 20s with “lesbianism” and that it wasn’t an “intellectualized process for her.”

Alanis: It’s a self-defining thing. Stern: You say you’re not attracted to women anymore? Alanis: Yeah I’m pretty heterosexual … It was just kind of a go-with-it thing, explore, you know, sort of experience – I’m an experience junkie. So I like to experience everything and then step back and go, “Does that work for me?” I like to connect with people. So … Women like to have sort of connection, some kind of intimacy. Stern: But where does Alanis Morissette find her women? Alanis: Women are everywhere. Stern: Yeah, where are you, a knitting club? Is it a fellow musician? How does this come about? Do you go to a club? Do you dance? What happens? I know you like to dance. Alanis: I love to dance.
The interview continued with Stern trying to get dirty details out of Alanis and where she “found her women” and if she is now more hetero because there wasn’t anyone there to “finish the job.” (Has he been listening to Usher?)

Stern certainly is a class act, but Alanis eventually steered him back to the topic at hand (her music) and launched into a song (about a dude). I would say that’s ironic, but I’m not sure if that’s the proper definition of the word.

BUT WHAT WOULD THE DONALD SAY? New York Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams reported this week that Rosie O’Donnell was splitting up with long-time partner Kelli Carpenter. Adams also wrote, “Whatever other difficulties such a breakup might cause, there is also a houseful of adopted kids they’re raising.” In response, Rosie jokingly wrote to credible reporter Perez Hilton:

cindy adams and i r having a full blown affair. she is a lesbian.
The 90-year-old columnist might have her facts wrong, but I don’t think we should give Rosie free reign to call her gay. No self-respecting lesbian would ever wear the get-ups this broad does. – by Trish Bendix

AN EMBARRASSMENT OF CELESBIAN RICHES Last week, stars from The L Word, South of Nowhere, Loving Annabelle, Queer as Folk and Work Out gathered to shoot a public service announcement that will be included on The L Word Season 5 DVD, which is scheduled to be unleashed upon an ill-prepared world on Oct. 21. The Season 5 box set will feature all the show’s signature lesbian drama, but will also include a three-minute PSA for the Point Foundation, a scholarship-granting organization benefiting smartypants LGBT students who’ve experienced real-life drama and financial hardship because they’re lesbian or gay.

Rose Rollins and Clementine Ford made time to shoot the PSA before heading to Vancouver to film The L Word‘s last season. Gabrielle Christian and Maeve Quinlan from South of Nowhere were also eager to help. The last time Gabby and Rose were in the same room, Gabby was tied up and Rose was wielding a nine iron.

Loving Annabelle‘s writer-director, Katherine Brooks, and star Erin Kelly also took time out for the good cause.

They have a new movie in the works (coming out this fall) called Waking Madison, co-starring Elisabeth Shue, Taryn Manning and Sarah Roemer as the title character, a woman who suffers from multiple personality disorder. Meanwhile, Jackie Warner and Rebecca Cardon from Work Out represented the reality show genre, while Thea Gill of Queer as Folk fame brought her disarming charm to the set. Usually, you have to go to a planetarium to see that many stars in one room.

Shot in one fun-filled day at the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center, the segment was produced and directed by J.D. Disalvatore, the award-winning producer of Shelter and the very funny short film Gay Propaganda, featuring Cathy DeBuono. J.D. has worked with many talented professionals in her storied career, but for reasons I will never understand, she asked me to write the script. Pizza delivery while writing a third draft: $11.95. Copies of the script for cast and crew: $4.75. Being on set with nine talented and beautiful women: Priceless.

All photos by Brian Putnam. For more behind-the-scenes photos from the PSA shoot, go to TheSmokingCocktail.com.

by Dara Nai

SHANE + HARRY POTTER = L.P.? The curly-haired out lesbian rocker known as L.P. has just released the video for her song “Good With You,” which will appear on her upcoming new album (release date TBA). The song is an angsty power ballad that falls somewhere on the line between a breakup and a makeup – which means it’s perfect for lesbians everywhere!

The video features L.P. changing into a series of outfits from hip-hop bling to a Sgt. Pepper-like uniform, accented with a lightning bolt drawn over one eye. When I first saw the video I had to blink a few times because L.P. seemed to seriously be channeling The L Word‘s Shane … until that lightning bolt turned up, and I had cross-genre confusion! Watch the video here: On second thought, maybe L.P. is trying to channel the band Kiss. Or a mime. Oh, and in case you didn’t know, L.P.’s song “Wasted” will once again be the theme song for the last season (&*$&%!!) of South of Nowhere, which returns to The N this September.

– by Malinda Lo

IF SUPERHEROES WERE LESBIANS, THE COSTUMES WOULD BE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE “America’s Finest News Source,” The Onion, really out-gayed itself during Pride month by clearing out their archives and reposting every fake gay news story they’ve ever published.

Where do homosexuals get all their energy?” a bewildered Onion reporter once asked. “I know what you’re saying: Brandon, you’re just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I’m saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight people look bad.”

Furthering the old “gays are superheroes” adage, the news site republished a 1998 article claiming “Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire.” Afterward he was taken to the hospital, where doctors described his condition as “stable but homosexual.”

In another Onion piece, the civil rights battle took a heated turn in the Washington, D.C., when gays in nation’s capital began demanding their right to library cards. And not just the license to borrow books – no, gays want full library card privileges. And that includes the microfiche machine!

Lastly, The Onion reported: “Wellesley College Removes Phrase ‘Hot All-Girl Action’ From School Brochure.” Said Celia Holmes, “Henceforth, our college brochures will no longer tout the ’24-hour, non-stop lesbo party’ aspect of the Wellesley experience.”

Don’t be alarmed: It’s a farcical newspaper. Wellesley College will be turning out AfterEllen.com editors for years to come, bringing that 24-hour, non-stop lesbo party right to your laptop.

YOU CAN TELL SHE’S A LESBIAN PENGUIN BECAUSE SHE’S WEARING A TUX To top off your Pride month experience, here are some of The Daily Show‘s best gay stories, which were re-featured on their vast online archive.

In one of Samantha Bee‘s most famous segments, “Birds of a Feather,” Bee goes to the Central Park Zoo for an interview about same-sex pairings between animals. “It’s very, very common in all zoos and in nature to see homosexual behavior,” the zoologist tells Bee. “Just because it happens in nature doesn’t make it natural!” Bee snaps. After a long pause the zoologist says, “Um, actually by definition I think it does.”  

Another of Samantha Bee’s stories featured this month was her conversation with Florida State Representative candidate Ed Heeney, who interviews that his district is under attack by the gay community – an “alien army within.” When Heeney tells Bee that he can’t even get a decent pool table at a local bar because of all the gay women there, she just nods her head in solemn agreement. “Now you’ve got a bunch of lesbos lesboing around,” she says. “I mean, am I right?”

Heeney says he’s not homophobic, he’s homonausic. Bee closes the interview by saying that spending time with Ed Heeney is enough to make any woman heteronausic.  

In his most recent story covering the legalization of gay marriage in California, Stewart said, “If any heartless, insulated, myopic grandstander feels that these unions should not take place, let him speak now … so that I may ridicule him.”

If public ridicule is the answer, I’m glad Jon Stewart and Samantha Bee are on our side.

Read more about “Jon Stewart’s Greatest Lesbian Moments” here.

by Stuntdouble

ANOTHER LESBIAN BAR BITES THE DUST New York’s well-known lesbian bar Rubyfruit Bar and Grill has celebrated its last Pride. The owners told the New York Times the bar will be closing its doors because of rising rent and the fact that there are so many more options for lesbian patrons in 2008. The West Village bar has been open since 1994 and has been a go-to place for gay women coming through the city. Owner Debra C. Fierro said:

Back then in 1994 there wasn’t this liberation yet for lesbian women, so it became a haven with private, intimate dinners, great wines, a place to hold hands and feel comfortable being out and having dinner. Here we are in 2008, where they no longer need to have their own place. They can go anywhere and do whatever they want. It’s kind of a good thing, I guess.
The bar is famous for several reasons, especially because it is the namesake of the lesbian novel, Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown. The Times detailed some of the other high-profile events that are tied to the bar:
“It was mentioned as a setting in the work of the novelist Patricia Cornwall. It was the scene for a retirement party for the tennis champion Martina Navratilova. Tammy Lynn Michaels, an actress who is the partner of the rock singer Melissa Etheridge, was spotted by a talent agent while she tended bar there. Celebrities from Liza Minnelli to Neil Sedaka to Billie Jean King have stopped by.”
So where will New York celesbians meet now? It’s either one of the other existing girl bars or open another with an obvious literary lesbian tie-in: The Well of Loneliness Lounge or Stone Butch Bar, anyone?

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Tila Tequila actually chose a woman on the end of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 2. However, the woman (Kristy) was not interested.

Gay dramedy Holding Trevor opens this weekend in New York and Los Angeles. It’s directed by out lesbian filmmaker Rosser Goodman who directed the short film Life’s a Butch!, worked on Wave Babes, and is currently developing the project Kiss My Fist with producer Honey Labrador.

Check out Sistahs on the Shelf for black lesbian fiction reviews and news.

The French reality television series Secret Story includes a lesbian couple (contestants have to guess and see whose secret it is).

Goth-punk apparel chain store Hot Topic is now selling lesbian shirts and other wares as part of its new Pride section.

by Trish Bendix

That’s it for this week! Got the inside scoop on a hot new lesbian/bi actor/musician/TV show/film? Tell us at [email protected]. Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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