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“Top Chef” Recaps: Episode 4.8 “Common Threads”

Quickfire: Your 15 minutes of fame starts now. Elimination: Child labor laws be damned.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Spike: Within 30 seconds of having a peeler in his hand, my kid is bleeding … I am amazed, just to see a kid cut himself with the peeler and get right back into doing what he needs to do impressed me tremendously.

Spike then goes on to ask his kiddie assistant, who can’t be much older than 9, whether he has a girlfriend. When he answers “not yet,” Spike says that “yet” is the operative word. Yeah, because that’s what America’s young and impressionable minds need – lessons on how to become a hound-dog.

But Spike isn’t the only one with child-appropriateness issues. Mark plans to cook vegetable curry, but his sous chef has never had curry before. Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea. But is it as bad an idea as not using Polish sausage in a dish about Polish sausage?

Misty water-colored memories –The challenge gives the chefs an opportunity to talk about how they got started cooking. Nikki started because she was raised by a single mom and helped out in the kitchen. Dale started because he wanted to be a professional basketball player, but stopped growing at 5-foot-5 and turned to cooking instead.

And Andrew, well, Andrew started because he was a 200-pound kid in high school and decided he had to cook more healthy food for himself. Wow, 200 pounds? I always thought Andrew had the crazy of a much larger man.

Parental guidance is required – Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his regular spot inspection of the chefs. But instead of just popping in, Tom stays and keeps a watchful eye over the contestants and their charges. Even the protective Papa Bear, Tom wants to make sure the cubs are safe. Over at Andrew’s station, he finds a youngster hammering away at some meat with a pan.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Lisa: My girlfriend has a kid and he loves to cook. He’s always like, “I want to help you, I want to help you.” It’s cool when they’re like, “Let me stir the noodles.” Or, “Let me put the butter in.” Or, “Give me a knife,” and then you’re like, “No.” But it’ll be fun.

Well that answers the who-is-she-taking-to-Italy question.

No soup for you – Spike and his little helper are planning to make pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and baked apples. Dude, enough with the soup. We get it: You like making soup. But the show isn’t called Top Soup Chef. And even if it was, Lauren Lee Smith would win that title hands down.

Spike sets his kid up peeling carrots, and the poor guy promptly peels his own finger. Hey, how about giving the child some safety instructions first, before you hand him the sharp implement?

Spike: Within 30 seconds of having a peeler in his hand, my kid is bleeding … I am amazed, just to see a kid cut himself with the peeler and get right back into doing what he needs to do impressed me tremendously.

Spike then goes on to ask his kiddie assistant, who can’t be much older than 9, whether he has a girlfriend. When he answers “not yet,” Spike says that “yet” is the operative word. Yeah, because that’s what America’s young and impressionable minds need – lessons on how to become a hound-dog.

But Spike isn’t the only one with child-appropriateness issues. Mark plans to cook vegetable curry, but his sous chef has never had curry before. Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea. But is it as bad an idea as not using Polish sausage in a dish about Polish sausage?

Misty water-colored memories –The challenge gives the chefs an opportunity to talk about how they got started cooking. Nikki started because she was raised by a single mom and helped out in the kitchen. Dale started because he wanted to be a professional basketball player, but stopped growing at 5-foot-5 and turned to cooking instead.

And Andrew, well, Andrew started because he was a 200-pound kid in high school and decided he had to cook more healthy food for himself. Wow, 200 pounds? I always thought Andrew had the crazy of a much larger man.

Parental guidance is required – Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his regular spot inspection of the chefs. But instead of just popping in, Tom stays and keeps a watchful eye over the contestants and their charges. Even the protective Papa Bear, Tom wants to make sure the cubs are safe. Over at Andrew’s station, he finds a youngster hammering away at some meat with a pan.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Antonia: Knock-knock. Daughter: Who’s there? Antonia: Smell mop. Daughter: Smell mop who? Antonia: Get it? Daughter: No … Antonia: Smell my poo.

Ah, yes, isn’t the ability to teach poo jokes to children the real reason 99 percent of people want to become parents in the first place?

Someone check their IDs – The morning of the Elimination Challenge arrives, and the chefs go to the Common Threads program kitchen to cook. Then Padma surprises them by saying they’ll have a little extra help again. What, more rice?

Nope, it’s children. Antonia immediately tears up at the sight of the youngsters because they remind her of her own daughter. And I’m not a particularly maternal person, but even my ovaries gave a little skip when I saw this little guy. Look at him all cute in his ginormous hat.

Turns out the kids are all part of guest judge Art’s Common Threads program, and today they will serve as pint-sized sous chefs for our cheftestants. I always find child labor makes the food taste better, don’t you?

The little chefs are all paired off with their Top Chef counterparts. We soon learn that Antonia isn’t the only one with experience cooking with small fry.

Lisa: My girlfriend has a kid and he loves to cook. He’s always like, “I want to help you, I want to help you.” It’s cool when they’re like, “Let me stir the noodles.” Or, “Let me put the butter in.” Or, “Give me a knife,” and then you’re like, “No.” But it’ll be fun.

Well that answers the who-is-she-taking-to-Italy question.

No soup for you – Spike and his little helper are planning to make pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and baked apples. Dude, enough with the soup. We get it: You like making soup. But the show isn’t called Top Soup Chef. And even if it was, Lauren Lee Smith would win that title hands down.

Spike sets his kid up peeling carrots, and the poor guy promptly peels his own finger. Hey, how about giving the child some safety instructions first, before you hand him the sharp implement?

Spike: Within 30 seconds of having a peeler in his hand, my kid is bleeding … I am amazed, just to see a kid cut himself with the peeler and get right back into doing what he needs to do impressed me tremendously.

Spike then goes on to ask his kiddie assistant, who can’t be much older than 9, whether he has a girlfriend. When he answers “not yet,” Spike says that “yet” is the operative word. Yeah, because that’s what America’s young and impressionable minds need – lessons on how to become a hound-dog.

But Spike isn’t the only one with child-appropriateness issues. Mark plans to cook vegetable curry, but his sous chef has never had curry before. Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea. But is it as bad an idea as not using Polish sausage in a dish about Polish sausage?

Misty water-colored memories –The challenge gives the chefs an opportunity to talk about how they got started cooking. Nikki started because she was raised by a single mom and helped out in the kitchen. Dale started because he wanted to be a professional basketball player, but stopped growing at 5-foot-5 and turned to cooking instead.

And Andrew, well, Andrew started because he was a 200-pound kid in high school and decided he had to cook more healthy food for himself. Wow, 200 pounds? I always thought Andrew had the crazy of a much larger man.

Parental guidance is required – Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his regular spot inspection of the chefs. But instead of just popping in, Tom stays and keeps a watchful eye over the contestants and their charges. Even the protective Papa Bear, Tom wants to make sure the cubs are safe. Over at Andrew’s station, he finds a youngster hammering away at some meat with a pan.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Stephanie: I really, at this point, have no idea what I’m going to do. My mind races to so many ingredients and flavor combinations. I am thinking to myself, “Stephanie, stop thinking like this, you’re being crazy.”

I mean, come on Stephanie, we all know crazy is Andrew’s job.

While I worry about Stephanie’s scatterbrained shopping, I’m more intrigued by her T-shirt. Jantastic? Anyone know what that’s all about? More evidence of her honorary chefbian status? Or just a really big fan of the middle Brady daughter?

Just like mom used to make – As everyone else frets, Antonia reveals her secret edge. She is a single mom and is used to cooking healthy, simple, tasty food for her daughter. So she decides to make a whole-wheat pasta dish.

In another patented mom move, Antonia shows her ability to stretch her budget. When she winds up 23 cents over the $10 limit, she thinks fast. Uh, don’t the clerks generally frown on the dismantling of produce at the checkout counter?

Of course, Antonia isn’t the only one with money issues. Spike, Dale, Andrew and the others are all counting their pennies. I swear, these are either the most understanding clerks ever or I shop at the wrong grocery store.

A little taste of home – Back at the house, the chefs unwind and prepare for the next day’s challenge.

Hey, it’s not that kind of unwinding. And it’s oregano, I swear. That’s just Mark’s didgeridoo. Man, I know there’s yet another dirty joke in there somewhere.

Antonia calls her daughter, who says she can’t stop smiling now that she has heard her mom’s voice. Aww. Her daughter also apparently told her, “Don’t come home unless you win.” Man, I’ve heard of demanding parents, but this is a new one.

Then we’re witness to one of the worse knock-knock jokes in the history of the world.

Antonia: Knock-knock. Daughter: Who’s there? Antonia: Smell mop. Daughter: Smell mop who? Antonia: Get it? Daughter: No … Antonia: Smell my poo.

Ah, yes, isn’t the ability to teach poo jokes to children the real reason 99 percent of people want to become parents in the first place?

Someone check their IDs – The morning of the Elimination Challenge arrives, and the chefs go to the Common Threads program kitchen to cook. Then Padma surprises them by saying they’ll have a little extra help again. What, more rice?

Nope, it’s children. Antonia immediately tears up at the sight of the youngsters because they remind her of her own daughter. And I’m not a particularly maternal person, but even my ovaries gave a little skip when I saw this little guy. Look at him all cute in his ginormous hat.

Turns out the kids are all part of guest judge Art’s Common Threads program, and today they will serve as pint-sized sous chefs for our cheftestants. I always find child labor makes the food taste better, don’t you?

The little chefs are all paired off with their Top Chef counterparts. We soon learn that Antonia isn’t the only one with experience cooking with small fry.

Lisa: My girlfriend has a kid and he loves to cook. He’s always like, “I want to help you, I want to help you.” It’s cool when they’re like, “Let me stir the noodles.” Or, “Let me put the butter in.” Or, “Give me a knife,” and then you’re like, “No.” But it’ll be fun.

Well that answers the who-is-she-taking-to-Italy question.

No soup for you – Spike and his little helper are planning to make pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and baked apples. Dude, enough with the soup. We get it: You like making soup. But the show isn’t called Top Soup Chef. And even if it was, Lauren Lee Smith would win that title hands down.

Spike sets his kid up peeling carrots, and the poor guy promptly peels his own finger. Hey, how about giving the child some safety instructions first, before you hand him the sharp implement?

Spike: Within 30 seconds of having a peeler in his hand, my kid is bleeding … I am amazed, just to see a kid cut himself with the peeler and get right back into doing what he needs to do impressed me tremendously.

Spike then goes on to ask his kiddie assistant, who can’t be much older than 9, whether he has a girlfriend. When he answers “not yet,” Spike says that “yet” is the operative word. Yeah, because that’s what America’s young and impressionable minds need – lessons on how to become a hound-dog.

But Spike isn’t the only one with child-appropriateness issues. Mark plans to cook vegetable curry, but his sous chef has never had curry before. Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea. But is it as bad an idea as not using Polish sausage in a dish about Polish sausage?

Misty water-colored memories –The challenge gives the chefs an opportunity to talk about how they got started cooking. Nikki started because she was raised by a single mom and helped out in the kitchen. Dale started because he wanted to be a professional basketball player, but stopped growing at 5-foot-5 and turned to cooking instead.

And Andrew, well, Andrew started because he was a 200-pound kid in high school and decided he had to cook more healthy food for himself. Wow, 200 pounds? I always thought Andrew had the crazy of a much larger man.

Parental guidance is required – Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his regular spot inspection of the chefs. But instead of just popping in, Tom stays and keeps a watchful eye over the contestants and their charges. Even the protective Papa Bear, Tom wants to make sure the cubs are safe. Over at Andrew’s station, he finds a youngster hammering away at some meat with a pan.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Andrew: Keep it simple. You take an old idea and you bring a new concept to it.

Gosh, am I going nuts, too, or did that make a whole lot of sense?

But someone who is having a hard time making sense? Stephanie. She seems unsure about her chicken choice. She seems unsure about her dish. She seems unsure about her flavor combinations. The challenge is hard for her, she says, because her mom was more concerned with what tasted good than with what was healthy, so they ate a lot of “gourmet food.”

Stephanie: I really, at this point, have no idea what I’m going to do. My mind races to so many ingredients and flavor combinations. I am thinking to myself, “Stephanie, stop thinking like this, you’re being crazy.”

I mean, come on Stephanie, we all know crazy is Andrew’s job.

While I worry about Stephanie’s scatterbrained shopping, I’m more intrigued by her T-shirt. Jantastic? Anyone know what that’s all about? More evidence of her honorary chefbian status? Or just a really big fan of the middle Brady daughter?

Just like mom used to make – As everyone else frets, Antonia reveals her secret edge. She is a single mom and is used to cooking healthy, simple, tasty food for her daughter. So she decides to make a whole-wheat pasta dish.

In another patented mom move, Antonia shows her ability to stretch her budget. When she winds up 23 cents over the $10 limit, she thinks fast. Uh, don’t the clerks generally frown on the dismantling of produce at the checkout counter?

Of course, Antonia isn’t the only one with money issues. Spike, Dale, Andrew and the others are all counting their pennies. I swear, these are either the most understanding clerks ever or I shop at the wrong grocery store.

A little taste of home – Back at the house, the chefs unwind and prepare for the next day’s challenge.

Hey, it’s not that kind of unwinding. And it’s oregano, I swear. That’s just Mark’s didgeridoo. Man, I know there’s yet another dirty joke in there somewhere.

Antonia calls her daughter, who says she can’t stop smiling now that she has heard her mom’s voice. Aww. Her daughter also apparently told her, “Don’t come home unless you win.” Man, I’ve heard of demanding parents, but this is a new one.

Then we’re witness to one of the worse knock-knock jokes in the history of the world.

Antonia: Knock-knock. Daughter: Who’s there? Antonia: Smell mop. Daughter: Smell mop who? Antonia: Get it? Daughter: No … Antonia: Smell my poo.

Ah, yes, isn’t the ability to teach poo jokes to children the real reason 99 percent of people want to become parents in the first place?

Someone check their IDs – The morning of the Elimination Challenge arrives, and the chefs go to the Common Threads program kitchen to cook. Then Padma surprises them by saying they’ll have a little extra help again. What, more rice?

Nope, it’s children. Antonia immediately tears up at the sight of the youngsters because they remind her of her own daughter. And I’m not a particularly maternal person, but even my ovaries gave a little skip when I saw this little guy. Look at him all cute in his ginormous hat.

Turns out the kids are all part of guest judge Art’s Common Threads program, and today they will serve as pint-sized sous chefs for our cheftestants. I always find child labor makes the food taste better, don’t you?

The little chefs are all paired off with their Top Chef counterparts. We soon learn that Antonia isn’t the only one with experience cooking with small fry.

Lisa: My girlfriend has a kid and he loves to cook. He’s always like, “I want to help you, I want to help you.” It’s cool when they’re like, “Let me stir the noodles.” Or, “Let me put the butter in.” Or, “Give me a knife,” and then you’re like, “No.” But it’ll be fun.

Well that answers the who-is-she-taking-to-Italy question.

No soup for you – Spike and his little helper are planning to make pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and baked apples. Dude, enough with the soup. We get it: You like making soup. But the show isn’t called Top Soup Chef. And even if it was, Lauren Lee Smith would win that title hands down.

Spike sets his kid up peeling carrots, and the poor guy promptly peels his own finger. Hey, how about giving the child some safety instructions first, before you hand him the sharp implement?

Spike: Within 30 seconds of having a peeler in his hand, my kid is bleeding … I am amazed, just to see a kid cut himself with the peeler and get right back into doing what he needs to do impressed me tremendously.

Spike then goes on to ask his kiddie assistant, who can’t be much older than 9, whether he has a girlfriend. When he answers “not yet,” Spike says that “yet” is the operative word. Yeah, because that’s what America’s young and impressionable minds need – lessons on how to become a hound-dog.

But Spike isn’t the only one with child-appropriateness issues. Mark plans to cook vegetable curry, but his sous chef has never had curry before. Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea. But is it as bad an idea as not using Polish sausage in a dish about Polish sausage?

Misty water-colored memories –The challenge gives the chefs an opportunity to talk about how they got started cooking. Nikki started because she was raised by a single mom and helped out in the kitchen. Dale started because he wanted to be a professional basketball player, but stopped growing at 5-foot-5 and turned to cooking instead.

And Andrew, well, Andrew started because he was a 200-pound kid in high school and decided he had to cook more healthy food for himself. Wow, 200 pounds? I always thought Andrew had the crazy of a much larger man.

Parental guidance is required – Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his regular spot inspection of the chefs. But instead of just popping in, Tom stays and keeps a watchful eye over the contestants and their charges. Even the protective Papa Bear, Tom wants to make sure the cubs are safe. Over at Andrew’s station, he finds a youngster hammering away at some meat with a pan.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Antonia: I wake up this morning like fired up because I am done doubting my flavor compositions in my head … I woke up this morning and I was like, f— everybody. I came here to win.

Oprah’s (Recipe) Book Club – When the chefs enter the Top Chef Kitchen, greeting them is Padma along with Oprah’s personal chef/today’s guest judge, Art Smith. Art is apparently known for his simple and healthy cuisine.

But before the chefs can ask him about The Secret or Tom Cruise or what Oprah is really like with Gayle at home, Padma tells them time is of the essence in this challenge. Seems that this Quickfire is really quick. The chefs have 15 minutes to create a “fabulous meal.”

But don’t fret, says Padma, they get a little help. What could it be? A third arm? The ability to stop time? Roller skates? Nope, rice. But not just any rice, Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice. This is rice so ready it only takes 90 seconds to cook.

I’m telling you, Top Chef producers, just invest in that big, blinking “BUY THIS!” neon sign I mentioned last episode, and you can save your cheftestants untold future grief and heartache from these crazy product placement challenges.

And they’re off – With a scant 15 minutes to cook and only instant rice on their side, the chefs scramble to prepare their dishes. What ensues is a lot of running around and screaming “Behind! Behind! Behind!” as they whiz pass each other. Man, I know there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.

The cheftestants have to think on their feet. Stephanie is going original with a rice pancake she has never tried before. Spike is sticking to his Greek roots and making stuffed tomatoes. And Antonia is going comfort food with one of her mother’s favorite recipes, rice salad.

The 15 minutes fly by like, well, 15 minutes, and then it’s time to taste. Guest Judge Art shows us all the people skills has learned from Oprah over the years. Instead of criticizing dishes he doesn’t like, his comments are hedged in platitudes. So Stephanie’s too heavy pancakes and Andrew’s too crunchy fish are both “clever.”

The Worst: Mark (didn’t work as a dish), Stephanie (didn’t need scallops) and Lisa (didn’t seem very original).

The Best: Dale (tasted good), Richard (tasted delicious) and Antonia (also tasted delicious). But who wins and gets the oh-so-coveted immunity? Antonia.

The frugal gourmets – After the blur of a Quickfire, Padma focuses the chefs on the philanthropic side of cooking. She mentions Art’s charity organization, Common Threads, a group dedicated to bringing families back to the dinner table together.

So this Elimination Challenge is to cook a delicious and nutritious, simple dinner for a family of four. Oh, and did I mention they can only spend $10. The reaction from the chefs to their budget is laughter on the outside, tears on the inside.

At Whole Foods, the chefs dash around trying to conserve their cash. Many of them end up at the protein counter giving everyone’s favorite poultry the hairy eyeball. If a lot of their dishes end up tasting like chicken, it’s because a lot of them are using chicken.

Andrew, who has been laying surprisingly low on the crazy scale of late, tells us his cooking philosophy is “Simple. Old. New.”

Andrew: Keep it simple. You take an old idea and you bring a new concept to it.

Gosh, am I going nuts, too, or did that make a whole lot of sense?

But someone who is having a hard time making sense? Stephanie. She seems unsure about her chicken choice. She seems unsure about her dish. She seems unsure about her flavor combinations. The challenge is hard for her, she says, because her mom was more concerned with what tasted good than with what was healthy, so they ate a lot of “gourmet food.”

Stephanie: I really, at this point, have no idea what I’m going to do. My mind races to so many ingredients and flavor combinations. I am thinking to myself, “Stephanie, stop thinking like this, you’re being crazy.”

I mean, come on Stephanie, we all know crazy is Andrew’s job.

While I worry about Stephanie’s scatterbrained shopping, I’m more intrigued by her T-shirt. Jantastic? Anyone know what that’s all about? More evidence of her honorary chefbian status? Or just a really big fan of the middle Brady daughter?

Just like mom used to make – As everyone else frets, Antonia reveals her secret edge. She is a single mom and is used to cooking healthy, simple, tasty food for her daughter. So she decides to make a whole-wheat pasta dish.

In another patented mom move, Antonia shows her ability to stretch her budget. When she winds up 23 cents over the $10 limit, she thinks fast. Uh, don’t the clerks generally frown on the dismantling of produce at the checkout counter?

Of course, Antonia isn’t the only one with money issues. Spike, Dale, Andrew and the others are all counting their pennies. I swear, these are either the most understanding clerks ever or I shop at the wrong grocery store.

A little taste of home – Back at the house, the chefs unwind and prepare for the next day’s challenge.

Hey, it’s not that kind of unwinding. And it’s oregano, I swear. That’s just Mark’s didgeridoo. Man, I know there’s yet another dirty joke in there somewhere.

Antonia calls her daughter, who says she can’t stop smiling now that she has heard her mom’s voice. Aww. Her daughter also apparently told her, “Don’t come home unless you win.” Man, I’ve heard of demanding parents, but this is a new one.

Then we’re witness to one of the worse knock-knock jokes in the history of the world.

Antonia: Knock-knock. Daughter: Who’s there? Antonia: Smell mop. Daughter: Smell mop who? Antonia: Get it? Daughter: No … Antonia: Smell my poo.

Ah, yes, isn’t the ability to teach poo jokes to children the real reason 99 percent of people want to become parents in the first place?

Someone check their IDs – The morning of the Elimination Challenge arrives, and the chefs go to the Common Threads program kitchen to cook. Then Padma surprises them by saying they’ll have a little extra help again. What, more rice?

Nope, it’s children. Antonia immediately tears up at the sight of the youngsters because they remind her of her own daughter. And I’m not a particularly maternal person, but even my ovaries gave a little skip when I saw this little guy. Look at him all cute in his ginormous hat.

Turns out the kids are all part of guest judge Art’s Common Threads program, and today they will serve as pint-sized sous chefs for our cheftestants. I always find child labor makes the food taste better, don’t you?

The little chefs are all paired off with their Top Chef counterparts. We soon learn that Antonia isn’t the only one with experience cooking with small fry.

Lisa: My girlfriend has a kid and he loves to cook. He’s always like, “I want to help you, I want to help you.” It’s cool when they’re like, “Let me stir the noodles.” Or, “Let me put the butter in.” Or, “Give me a knife,” and then you’re like, “No.” But it’ll be fun.

Well that answers the who-is-she-taking-to-Italy question.

No soup for you – Spike and his little helper are planning to make pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and baked apples. Dude, enough with the soup. We get it: You like making soup. But the show isn’t called Top Soup Chef. And even if it was, Lauren Lee Smith would win that title hands down.

Spike sets his kid up peeling carrots, and the poor guy promptly peels his own finger. Hey, how about giving the child some safety instructions first, before you hand him the sharp implement?

Spike: Within 30 seconds of having a peeler in his hand, my kid is bleeding … I am amazed, just to see a kid cut himself with the peeler and get right back into doing what he needs to do impressed me tremendously.

Spike then goes on to ask his kiddie assistant, who can’t be much older than 9, whether he has a girlfriend. When he answers “not yet,” Spike says that “yet” is the operative word. Yeah, because that’s what America’s young and impressionable minds need – lessons on how to become a hound-dog.

But Spike isn’t the only one with child-appropriateness issues. Mark plans to cook vegetable curry, but his sous chef has never had curry before. Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea. But is it as bad an idea as not using Polish sausage in a dish about Polish sausage?

Misty water-colored memories –The challenge gives the chefs an opportunity to talk about how they got started cooking. Nikki started because she was raised by a single mom and helped out in the kitchen. Dale started because he wanted to be a professional basketball player, but stopped growing at 5-foot-5 and turned to cooking instead.

And Andrew, well, Andrew started because he was a 200-pound kid in high school and decided he had to cook more healthy food for himself. Wow, 200 pounds? I always thought Andrew had the crazy of a much larger man.

Parental guidance is required – Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his regular spot inspection of the chefs. But instead of just popping in, Tom stays and keeps a watchful eye over the contestants and their charges. Even the protective Papa Bear, Tom wants to make sure the cubs are safe. Over at Andrew’s station, he finds a youngster hammering away at some meat with a pan.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Stephanie: There are a lot of people gone. It’s been a long haul so far, and we’re only like halfway through to get to the finals … I’m lucky to still be here, so I just need to prove that I am actually supposed to be here.

While Stephanie takes the road of penitence after her near-elimination, Antonia takes the road of righteousness.

Antonia: I wake up this morning like fired up because I am done doubting my flavor compositions in my head … I woke up this morning and I was like, f— everybody. I came here to win.

Oprah’s (Recipe) Book Club – When the chefs enter the Top Chef Kitchen, greeting them is Padma along with Oprah’s personal chef/today’s guest judge, Art Smith. Art is apparently known for his simple and healthy cuisine.

But before the chefs can ask him about The Secret or Tom Cruise or what Oprah is really like with Gayle at home, Padma tells them time is of the essence in this challenge. Seems that this Quickfire is really quick. The chefs have 15 minutes to create a “fabulous meal.”

But don’t fret, says Padma, they get a little help. What could it be? A third arm? The ability to stop time? Roller skates? Nope, rice. But not just any rice, Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice. This is rice so ready it only takes 90 seconds to cook.

I’m telling you, Top Chef producers, just invest in that big, blinking “BUY THIS!” neon sign I mentioned last episode, and you can save your cheftestants untold future grief and heartache from these crazy product placement challenges.

And they’re off – With a scant 15 minutes to cook and only instant rice on their side, the chefs scramble to prepare their dishes. What ensues is a lot of running around and screaming “Behind! Behind! Behind!” as they whiz pass each other. Man, I know there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.

The cheftestants have to think on their feet. Stephanie is going original with a rice pancake she has never tried before. Spike is sticking to his Greek roots and making stuffed tomatoes. And Antonia is going comfort food with one of her mother’s favorite recipes, rice salad.

The 15 minutes fly by like, well, 15 minutes, and then it’s time to taste. Guest Judge Art shows us all the people skills has learned from Oprah over the years. Instead of criticizing dishes he doesn’t like, his comments are hedged in platitudes. So Stephanie’s too heavy pancakes and Andrew’s too crunchy fish are both “clever.”

The Worst: Mark (didn’t work as a dish), Stephanie (didn’t need scallops) and Lisa (didn’t seem very original).

The Best: Dale (tasted good), Richard (tasted delicious) and Antonia (also tasted delicious). But who wins and gets the oh-so-coveted immunity? Antonia.

The frugal gourmets – After the blur of a Quickfire, Padma focuses the chefs on the philanthropic side of cooking. She mentions Art’s charity organization, Common Threads, a group dedicated to bringing families back to the dinner table together.

So this Elimination Challenge is to cook a delicious and nutritious, simple dinner for a family of four. Oh, and did I mention they can only spend $10. The reaction from the chefs to their budget is laughter on the outside, tears on the inside.

At Whole Foods, the chefs dash around trying to conserve their cash. Many of them end up at the protein counter giving everyone’s favorite poultry the hairy eyeball. If a lot of their dishes end up tasting like chicken, it’s because a lot of them are using chicken.

Andrew, who has been laying surprisingly low on the crazy scale of late, tells us his cooking philosophy is “Simple. Old. New.”

Andrew: Keep it simple. You take an old idea and you bring a new concept to it.

Gosh, am I going nuts, too, or did that make a whole lot of sense?

But someone who is having a hard time making sense? Stephanie. She seems unsure about her chicken choice. She seems unsure about her dish. She seems unsure about her flavor combinations. The challenge is hard for her, she says, because her mom was more concerned with what tasted good than with what was healthy, so they ate a lot of “gourmet food.”

Stephanie: I really, at this point, have no idea what I’m going to do. My mind races to so many ingredients and flavor combinations. I am thinking to myself, “Stephanie, stop thinking like this, you’re being crazy.”

I mean, come on Stephanie, we all know crazy is Andrew’s job.

While I worry about Stephanie’s scatterbrained shopping, I’m more intrigued by her T-shirt. Jantastic? Anyone know what that’s all about? More evidence of her honorary chefbian status? Or just a really big fan of the middle Brady daughter?

Just like mom used to make – As everyone else frets, Antonia reveals her secret edge. She is a single mom and is used to cooking healthy, simple, tasty food for her daughter. So she decides to make a whole-wheat pasta dish.

In another patented mom move, Antonia shows her ability to stretch her budget. When she winds up 23 cents over the $10 limit, she thinks fast. Uh, don’t the clerks generally frown on the dismantling of produce at the checkout counter?

Of course, Antonia isn’t the only one with money issues. Spike, Dale, Andrew and the others are all counting their pennies. I swear, these are either the most understanding clerks ever or I shop at the wrong grocery store.

A little taste of home – Back at the house, the chefs unwind and prepare for the next day’s challenge.

Hey, it’s not that kind of unwinding. And it’s oregano, I swear. That’s just Mark’s didgeridoo. Man, I know there’s yet another dirty joke in there somewhere.

Antonia calls her daughter, who says she can’t stop smiling now that she has heard her mom’s voice. Aww. Her daughter also apparently told her, “Don’t come home unless you win.” Man, I’ve heard of demanding parents, but this is a new one.

Then we’re witness to one of the worse knock-knock jokes in the history of the world.

Antonia: Knock-knock. Daughter: Who’s there? Antonia: Smell mop. Daughter: Smell mop who? Antonia: Get it? Daughter: No … Antonia: Smell my poo.

Ah, yes, isn’t the ability to teach poo jokes to children the real reason 99 percent of people want to become parents in the first place?

Someone check their IDs – The morning of the Elimination Challenge arrives, and the chefs go to the Common Threads program kitchen to cook. Then Padma surprises them by saying they’ll have a little extra help again. What, more rice?

Nope, it’s children. Antonia immediately tears up at the sight of the youngsters because they remind her of her own daughter. And I’m not a particularly maternal person, but even my ovaries gave a little skip when I saw this little guy. Look at him all cute in his ginormous hat.

Turns out the kids are all part of guest judge Art’s Common Threads program, and today they will serve as pint-sized sous chefs for our cheftestants. I always find child labor makes the food taste better, don’t you?

The little chefs are all paired off with their Top Chef counterparts. We soon learn that Antonia isn’t the only one with experience cooking with small fry.

Lisa: My girlfriend has a kid and he loves to cook. He’s always like, “I want to help you, I want to help you.” It’s cool when they’re like, “Let me stir the noodles.” Or, “Let me put the butter in.” Or, “Give me a knife,” and then you’re like, “No.” But it’ll be fun.

Well that answers the who-is-she-taking-to-Italy question.

No soup for you – Spike and his little helper are planning to make pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and baked apples. Dude, enough with the soup. We get it: You like making soup. But the show isn’t called Top Soup Chef. And even if it was, Lauren Lee Smith would win that title hands down.

Spike sets his kid up peeling carrots, and the poor guy promptly peels his own finger. Hey, how about giving the child some safety instructions first, before you hand him the sharp implement?

Spike: Within 30 seconds of having a peeler in his hand, my kid is bleeding … I am amazed, just to see a kid cut himself with the peeler and get right back into doing what he needs to do impressed me tremendously.

Spike then goes on to ask his kiddie assistant, who can’t be much older than 9, whether he has a girlfriend. When he answers “not yet,” Spike says that “yet” is the operative word. Yeah, because that’s what America’s young and impressionable minds need – lessons on how to become a hound-dog.

But Spike isn’t the only one with child-appropriateness issues. Mark plans to cook vegetable curry, but his sous chef has never had curry before. Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea. But is it as bad an idea as not using Polish sausage in a dish about Polish sausage?

Misty water-colored memories –The challenge gives the chefs an opportunity to talk about how they got started cooking. Nikki started because she was raised by a single mom and helped out in the kitchen. Dale started because he wanted to be a professional basketball player, but stopped growing at 5-foot-5 and turned to cooking instead.

And Andrew, well, Andrew started because he was a 200-pound kid in high school and decided he had to cook more healthy food for himself. Wow, 200 pounds? I always thought Andrew had the crazy of a much larger man.

Parental guidance is required – Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his regular spot inspection of the chefs. But instead of just popping in, Tom stays and keeps a watchful eye over the contestants and their charges. Even the protective Papa Bear, Tom wants to make sure the cubs are safe. Over at Andrew’s station, he finds a youngster hammering away at some meat with a pan.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

Padmaism: “I need sauce and I need this chicken to not be so tough.”

Last lesbian standing – And then there was one, one chefbian that is. Lisa, our sole lesbian left in the dwindling field of nine contestants, is doing her best James Dean while smoking a cigarette alone on the patio. The female chefs’ bunk is starting to look mighty empty.

Jennifer’s departure gives Stephanie pause. She realizes it could just as easily have been her packing her knives and going home instead.

Stephanie: There are a lot of people gone. It’s been a long haul so far, and we’re only like halfway through to get to the finals … I’m lucky to still be here, so I just need to prove that I am actually supposed to be here.

While Stephanie takes the road of penitence after her near-elimination, Antonia takes the road of righteousness.

Antonia: I wake up this morning like fired up because I am done doubting my flavor compositions in my head … I woke up this morning and I was like, f— everybody. I came here to win.

Oprah’s (Recipe) Book Club – When the chefs enter the Top Chef Kitchen, greeting them is Padma along with Oprah’s personal chef/today’s guest judge, Art Smith. Art is apparently known for his simple and healthy cuisine.

But before the chefs can ask him about The Secret or Tom Cruise or what Oprah is really like with Gayle at home, Padma tells them time is of the essence in this challenge. Seems that this Quickfire is really quick. The chefs have 15 minutes to create a “fabulous meal.”

But don’t fret, says Padma, they get a little help. What could it be? A third arm? The ability to stop time? Roller skates? Nope, rice. But not just any rice, Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice. This is rice so ready it only takes 90 seconds to cook.

I’m telling you, Top Chef producers, just invest in that big, blinking “BUY THIS!” neon sign I mentioned last episode, and you can save your cheftestants untold future grief and heartache from these crazy product placement challenges.

And they’re off – With a scant 15 minutes to cook and only instant rice on their side, the chefs scramble to prepare their dishes. What ensues is a lot of running around and screaming “Behind! Behind! Behind!” as they whiz pass each other. Man, I know there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.

The cheftestants have to think on their feet. Stephanie is going original with a rice pancake she has never tried before. Spike is sticking to his Greek roots and making stuffed tomatoes. And Antonia is going comfort food with one of her mother’s favorite recipes, rice salad.

The 15 minutes fly by like, well, 15 minutes, and then it’s time to taste. Guest Judge Art shows us all the people skills has learned from Oprah over the years. Instead of criticizing dishes he doesn’t like, his comments are hedged in platitudes. So Stephanie’s too heavy pancakes and Andrew’s too crunchy fish are both “clever.”

The Worst: Mark (didn’t work as a dish), Stephanie (didn’t need scallops) and Lisa (didn’t seem very original).

The Best: Dale (tasted good), Richard (tasted delicious) and Antonia (also tasted delicious). But who wins and gets the oh-so-coveted immunity? Antonia.

The frugal gourmets – After the blur of a Quickfire, Padma focuses the chefs on the philanthropic side of cooking. She mentions Art’s charity organization, Common Threads, a group dedicated to bringing families back to the dinner table together.

So this Elimination Challenge is to cook a delicious and nutritious, simple dinner for a family of four. Oh, and did I mention they can only spend $10. The reaction from the chefs to their budget is laughter on the outside, tears on the inside.

At Whole Foods, the chefs dash around trying to conserve their cash. Many of them end up at the protein counter giving everyone’s favorite poultry the hairy eyeball. If a lot of their dishes end up tasting like chicken, it’s because a lot of them are using chicken.

Andrew, who has been laying surprisingly low on the crazy scale of late, tells us his cooking philosophy is “Simple. Old. New.”

Andrew: Keep it simple. You take an old idea and you bring a new concept to it.

Gosh, am I going nuts, too, or did that make a whole lot of sense?

But someone who is having a hard time making sense? Stephanie. She seems unsure about her chicken choice. She seems unsure about her dish. She seems unsure about her flavor combinations. The challenge is hard for her, she says, because her mom was more concerned with what tasted good than with what was healthy, so they ate a lot of “gourmet food.”

Stephanie: I really, at this point, have no idea what I’m going to do. My mind races to so many ingredients and flavor combinations. I am thinking to myself, “Stephanie, stop thinking like this, you’re being crazy.”

I mean, come on Stephanie, we all know crazy is Andrew’s job.

While I worry about Stephanie’s scatterbrained shopping, I’m more intrigued by her T-shirt. Jantastic? Anyone know what that’s all about? More evidence of her honorary chefbian status? Or just a really big fan of the middle Brady daughter?

Just like mom used to make – As everyone else frets, Antonia reveals her secret edge. She is a single mom and is used to cooking healthy, simple, tasty food for her daughter. So she decides to make a whole-wheat pasta dish.

In another patented mom move, Antonia shows her ability to stretch her budget. When she winds up 23 cents over the $10 limit, she thinks fast. Uh, don’t the clerks generally frown on the dismantling of produce at the checkout counter?

Of course, Antonia isn’t the only one with money issues. Spike, Dale, Andrew and the others are all counting their pennies. I swear, these are either the most understanding clerks ever or I shop at the wrong grocery store.

A little taste of home – Back at the house, the chefs unwind and prepare for the next day’s challenge.

Hey, it’s not that kind of unwinding. And it’s oregano, I swear. That’s just Mark’s didgeridoo. Man, I know there’s yet another dirty joke in there somewhere.

Antonia calls her daughter, who says she can’t stop smiling now that she has heard her mom’s voice. Aww. Her daughter also apparently told her, “Don’t come home unless you win.” Man, I’ve heard of demanding parents, but this is a new one.

Then we’re witness to one of the worse knock-knock jokes in the history of the world.

Antonia: Knock-knock. Daughter: Who’s there? Antonia: Smell mop. Daughter: Smell mop who? Antonia: Get it? Daughter: No … Antonia: Smell my poo.

Ah, yes, isn’t the ability to teach poo jokes to children the real reason 99 percent of people want to become parents in the first place?

Someone check their IDs – The morning of the Elimination Challenge arrives, and the chefs go to the Common Threads program kitchen to cook. Then Padma surprises them by saying they’ll have a little extra help again. What, more rice?

Nope, it’s children. Antonia immediately tears up at the sight of the youngsters because they remind her of her own daughter. And I’m not a particularly maternal person, but even my ovaries gave a little skip when I saw this little guy. Look at him all cute in his ginormous hat.

Turns out the kids are all part of guest judge Art’s Common Threads program, and today they will serve as pint-sized sous chefs for our cheftestants. I always find child labor makes the food taste better, don’t you?

The little chefs are all paired off with their Top Chef counterparts. We soon learn that Antonia isn’t the only one with experience cooking with small fry.

Lisa: My girlfriend has a kid and he loves to cook. He’s always like, “I want to help you, I want to help you.” It’s cool when they’re like, “Let me stir the noodles.” Or, “Let me put the butter in.” Or, “Give me a knife,” and then you’re like, “No.” But it’ll be fun.

Well that answers the who-is-she-taking-to-Italy question.

No soup for you – Spike and his little helper are planning to make pasta puttanesca, carrot soup and baked apples. Dude, enough with the soup. We get it: You like making soup. But the show isn’t called Top Soup Chef. And even if it was, Lauren Lee Smith would win that title hands down.

Spike sets his kid up peeling carrots, and the poor guy promptly peels his own finger. Hey, how about giving the child some safety instructions first, before you hand him the sharp implement?

Spike: Within 30 seconds of having a peeler in his hand, my kid is bleeding … I am amazed, just to see a kid cut himself with the peeler and get right back into doing what he needs to do impressed me tremendously.

Spike then goes on to ask his kiddie assistant, who can’t be much older than 9, whether he has a girlfriend. When he answers “not yet,” Spike says that “yet” is the operative word. Yeah, because that’s what America’s young and impressionable minds need – lessons on how to become a hound-dog.

But Spike isn’t the only one with child-appropriateness issues. Mark plans to cook vegetable curry, but his sous chef has never had curry before. Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea. But is it as bad an idea as not using Polish sausage in a dish about Polish sausage?

Misty water-colored memories –The challenge gives the chefs an opportunity to talk about how they got started cooking. Nikki started because she was raised by a single mom and helped out in the kitchen. Dale started because he wanted to be a professional basketball player, but stopped growing at 5-foot-5 and turned to cooking instead.

And Andrew, well, Andrew started because he was a 200-pound kid in high school and decided he had to cook more healthy food for himself. Wow, 200 pounds? I always thought Andrew had the crazy of a much larger man.

Parental guidance is required – Head Judge Tom Colicchio comes in for his regular spot inspection of the chefs. But instead of just popping in, Tom stays and keeps a watchful eye over the contestants and their charges. Even the protective Papa Bear, Tom wants to make sure the cubs are safe. Over at Andrew’s station, he finds a youngster hammering away at some meat with a pan.

Tom: Watch your fingers! [cringes]

My prediction: Someone will lose an eye before this challenge is over.

Kid-tested, Top Chef-approved – The clock ticks to zero, and now it’s time to serve this healthy family fare to some real critics: the kids from the Common Threads program. Each chef and his/her mini chef present their dishes to a table of kids and the judges.

It’s sweet to see the children have pride in their food. And it’s hilarious to see how excited they are to see Spike’s spaghetti. Just goes to show you, chefs, cook all the fancy, oil-infused, herb-crusted, foam-enhanced dishes you want. A kid is always going to be happier to see a plate of spaghetti come her way.

The judges are also happy to see Spike’s spaghetti. Returning judge Gail Simmons calls it “tasty” and guest judge Art calls it “yummy.” Sigh. Is it wrong that I root for his dishes to flop?

Today on Oprah Nikki trots out her one-pot wonder to even more glowing reviews. Chef Art particularly liked her hardscrabble story of growing up fending for herself as a child of a single mother. It’s the Oprahfication of Top Chef. Tell me more, Nikki. How did that make you feel?

Throughout the service, head judge Tom stays in the kitchen to taste each dish. His presence particularly rattles Mark, who sees Tom as a great shiny-headed enigma. He never knows what the guy is thinking.

We, however, know exactly what the other judges are thinking. Mark’s sweet potato curry is – surprise, surprise – too sweet. And the dish lacks protein. Hey, Mark, did you ever think cooking a curry with Padma – the author of Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweetand Easy Exotic – as a judge might not be the wisest move?

Both Antonia and Spike’s dishes are praised and earn the requisite “mmm, mmm” noises from the judges. And then comes Stephanie’s dish. It’s couscous with eggplant, zucchini and chicken in a peanut butter-tomato-lemon sauce. Nothing about that sounds good. Nothing about that looks good either.

This couscoustastrophe rivals departed cheftestant Erik’s nacho soufflĂ© in the “things I never want to put in my mouth” department. And from the looks on Tom and Gail’s faces, neither did they.

A bun in the oven – As the chefs head back to what Lisa calls “the Stew Room,” Richard makes a major life decision.

Richard: The whole experience of seeing these kids, seeing Antonia cry. I want to go home and I want to make some babies. Some little Blaises.

Someone better warn his wife.

Padma enters the waiting room wearing a mini-dress and kicky boots. I’m so transfixed I almost miss when she calls in Andrew, Nikki and Antonia.

Down-home cooking – These three are the judges’ favorites. Nikki’s one-pot dish is praised for its perfect seasoning and ingenuity. Andrew’s fennel, apple and orange salad is praised for expanding the kids’ “culinary language.” Antonia’s whole-wheat stir-fry is praised for being tasty, period. So, who won? Antonia.

Antonia: Honestly, if I didn’t win that challenge that would have been embarrassing. Like, the mom can’t cook food for the kids … That one goes straight to my daughter.

She is triumphant in victory, but I notice that she doesn’t win anything. No trip to Italy. No gas grill. No $2,500 of kitchenware. What gives? Just because it’s a kiddie challenge doesn’t mean she didn’t deserve a prize. Have Oprah kick something in, Art. You know how that woman loves to give stuff away.

How you like me now? – Antonia returns to and breaks the bad news to Lisa, Stephanie and Mark. They were the judges’ least favorite.

Stephanie’s combination of peanut butter, tomatoes and lemon juice is deemed “bizarre,” and her couscous was branded “not right.” She admits the dish wasn’t simple enough and her couscous was overcooked.

Mark, on the other hand, is not ready to admit defeat when Padma asks him why he thinks he is there.

Mark: I’m a little baffled, Padma. I think Tom doesn’t like me.

Well, judging from Tom’s reaction, he likes Mark at least for this moment. That’s possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen Colicchio crack.

Tom: I hope you’re not serious. Mark: I don’t know. It’s undercooked, it’s overcooked, it’s too salty. I don’t know, how do I make this guy happy? Tom: Don’t have it too salty or, in this case, too sweet.

Just call Tom Colicchio the Goldilocks of judges. He wants it not too sweet, not too salty, but just right.

The rules are for suckers – Lisa, like Mark, isn’t going to pack her knives without brandishing them first. She tells the judges she enjoyed her dish and thought it was nutritious and balanced.

Lisa: Something I learned from the last time I was up here was pay attention to the rules, that’s the most important thing. And it was originality, flavor, cost-effective and healthy, and I tried to get all of those things.

While Tom agrees the dish was healthy, he says the underseasoning on the beans was “shocking.” But what guest judge Art finds shocking is Lisa’s attitude. After the chefs leave, the judges mull over their choices.

Art: If you’re going to be a great chef, you’ve got to take criticism. Lisa was like really, really upset.

Back in the waiting room, Lisa is indeed stewing. She says she tasted her dish and thought the judges would complain that it was overseasoned. And she says, point blank, “I’m going home.”

Common threads of badness –Mark’s plate is next, and Tom declares it a “sloppy plate of food” that wasn’t appealing on “so many different levels.” And then they all bemoan the fall of Stephanie.

Tom: Stephanie, up until now, has been very, very sensible in her choices, and everything is seasoned well and well-thought-out. I didn’t find this to be well-thought-out at all.

Padma is less generous.

Padma: It’s disgusting. I really detested it. The couscous was awful.

Don’t be shy, honey, tell us how you really feel.

In the waiting room, Stephanie says she is nervous. I’m nervous, too. Things don’t look good for our little honorary chefbian.

Once they’re all back in to face the judges, Tom says all their dishes shared the Common Thread of missing the mark. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Mark.

Tom: Just for the record, again, I don’t dislike you. You’ve been a great competitor, you’ve been fun to be around, and I’m sure we’ll catch up after this and share a beer or a pint as you guys say.

Basically, I feel the same way. I’ve never disliked Mark and thought he was good fun. But, that said, whew. The honorary and real chefbians dodged a major bullet with this one.

I thought it was curtains for sure for Stephanie, but the judges again saw something in her – beyond her gross peanut butter, tomato and lemon sauce – they thought was worth saving. I do too, but damn that is one lucky girl. Maybe that Yoda backpack is more powerful than we ever imagined.

Next time onTop Chef: The cheftestants curse, mainline caffeine and seek therapy as they stay awake for 14 hours straight in the name of holy matrimony. And then, after the credits roll, Bravo gives us one last tidbit from Andrew: “I have a culinary boner right now.” Lord, help us all.

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