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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 3.1 “Hard Body … Thin Skin”

Your gym membership has been renewed – If you think working out is exhausting, try being Jackie Warner. When she’s not up to her abs in self-inflicted lesbian drama, designing her own line of gym wear, or playing “Who’s got the biggest balls?” with men who challenge her, she’s fending off crushes from housewives from St. Louis and finding ways to work the word “ho-bag” into an otherwise earnest interview with AfterEllen.com.

Before we jump into Season 3, let’s warm up with a review of the main story lines from last season.

Jackie was simultaneously dating a woman named Tiffany and fooling around with Rebecca, her fun-loving, (previously) straight employee.

Tiffany has faded into reality show obscurity, but Rebecca remains a trainer at Sky Sport & Spa, where she pines for that old Jackie magic while being paid to make rich people grunt like plow horses.

Former favorite pet Jesse couldn’t compete with Rebecca’s breasts and lost Jackie’s attention. Unhappy about it, he went 10 rounds with his nemesis; words were exchanged, scenes were made, water was thrown. A straight girl and a gay man fighting for her attention – you have to admit, Jackie has charisma.

Not all her time was spent at the gym. Jackie went home to Ohio, where she and her mom resolved some mother-celesbian issues that have plagued them for years.

While visiting her old high school, Jackie is shocked to learn she wasn’t the star pupil she thought she was. Apparently, you can go home again; you just shouldn’t.

Her intensive training retreat, SkyLab, was launched, inspiring Jackie to design a line of “so cute” gym clothes for it. After a harrowing experience with a clueless manufacturer, Jackie found a way to make her dreams into awesome poly-cotton blends.

Beloved trainer Doug Blasdell passed away unexpectedly, jarring the bitchy, whining trainers back to reality.

Brian saw Doug as the gay brother he never knew he wanted, and took his death especially hard. Suddenly, ego-sparring with Jackie didn’t seem so important. In death, as in life, Doug brought some temporary perspective to the circus.

Erika and the other trainers mostly watched the train wreck from the sidelines and tried to stay out of the line of fire.

Read more about Seasons 1 and 2 if you choose. Otherwise, come with me to the gym. I hate going alone.

Seasons of love – Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes. How do you measure a year in the life? In bite marks. In straight girls. In midnight glasses of wine, thrown at your head by Mimi. Yeah. Good times.

This season, the new girl in Jackie’s bed is Briana, a young blonde who enjoys a nice, tall glass of leaves first thing in the morning. The Breakfast of Champions. Champion koalas, that is.

Jackie reports that she’s “living in the now with Briana,” which doesn’t bode well for this season’s showmance, but never mind that for the moment. Like all new couples, Briana tries to entice Jackie to try the things she likes.

Jackie: If this tastes like wheatgrass, I swear to God, you’re going down. That’s no good. Briana: It might be a little too green for you, but try it.

Jackie allows Briana’s neon-green glop to touch her lips for a nanosecond.

Jackie: Ugh! That is so gross. Briana: Oh my God, dramatic a little? Jackie: No, that is disgusting. Briana: [dramatic] A little. Jackie: Seriously, there is something wrong with you that you like that many vegetables.

Jackie leaves to vomit and get ready for work.

Old news – At Sky Sport & Spa, Jackie’s Beverly Hills gym and day care for personal trainers, the faces have changed. Zen and Andre are gone. Also new: The temperature between Jackie and Rebecca has cooled considerably. With four new employees, not to mention Briana, Jackie doesn’t have time to tongue it up with Rebecca outside public restrooms like they did in the old days.

Rebecca may be an incorrigible flirt, but she’s not without self-awareness. She reports that even though she’s happy for Jackie’s new relationship, she loves attention – especially from Jackie – and misses what they had: flirting, fun and inappropriate touching in the workplace. Rebecca waits patiently by the ladies’ room, just in case. Hope is a thing with toilet seat covers.

And because a large chunk of Rebecca’s brain thinks like a straight girl, she also misses their girl-time, which, of course, never existed in the way she thinks it did. All their dinners, afternoons together and laughing over a bottle of wine was not BFF girlfriend fun. Most lesbians call those moments “dating.”

That said, Jackie, the Shane of the fitness world, describes their dalliance as a friends-with-benefits sort of deal. Whatever your perspective, Jackie’s moved on, and Rebecca’s feelings have little J-shaped bruises all over them.

Rebecca wanders into Jackie’s office to gaze at her longingly while getting the latest on the woman who took her place.

Rebecca: How are things going with Briana? Jackie: We’re doing well, we’re doing well. Did you know that we went on our first date, and she moved in that day?

From across the room, my girlfriend asked, “Was Briana homeless?” I doubt it, but this definitely sets some kind of new world record.

Rebecca calls Jackie “the quintessential lesbian” and then laughs right in her face when Jackie says she loves Briana very much. Rebecca, you rawk.

Rebecca: So, don’t you want to know how my relationship’s going? Jackie: Not really. Rebecca: That’s nice. Thank you. Jackie: I’m just kidding. You never mention your relationship hardly anymore. Rebecca: Yeah, I know. Jackie: I have to think it’s ’cause it’s not that interesting. Rebecca: No, I just, ya know, when I’m with you, I’m with you. And I don’t talk about my relationship. Jackie: And when you’re away from me, ya miss it.

Is it me, or are they a perfect for each other?

As a conciliation, Jackie offers Rebecca her pit bull of a Chihuahua, Machu Pichu, or Pikachu, or whatever its name is. I forget.

You call that working? – Meanwhile, new trainer Renessa works out a client by keeping a trained eye on his crotch, and veteran trainer Brian Peeler keeps his eyes on a pair of heaving breasts.

Brian and Renessa are friends for a reason.

Renessa introduces herself by saying she’s sexual, flirtatious and “naughty, really naughty.” But the small-town girl from South Dakota doesn’t know from naughty, not like Peeler’s client, Sarah Kozer, star of Fox’s reality show Joe Millionaire and some other interesting films. If that doesn’t do it for you, you can always pretend she’s Elizabeth Mitchell.

After Kozer leaves to pick up her dominatrix outfit from the cleaners, Brian tries to get in on a meeting with Jackie and Don, a close friend of the late Doug Blasdell, to discuss an upcoming fundraiser for the Doug Blasdell Outreach Program.

Jackie closes the door in Brian’s face because the room is too small for both their egos. Brian would love to go postal, but he respects his late friend too much, so instead, he takes a WWDD (“What Would Doug Do?”) moment. Doug would have given everyone a big hug, and with that in mind, Brian wanders off to find a pair of breasts to hug, even though his fists are clenched.

If you’re new to this show, there’s something you should know. There are no normal people here.

Double dating and double-taking – Jackie’s friend and Sky Sport trainer, Jesse, has a boyfriend now, and they invite their lesbian counterparts out on a double date at Geisha House, a trendy Hollywood restaurant where the women are as thin as the chopsticks.

Dinner conversation consists of Jackie announcing to her best girlfriend, Jesse, that she and Briana are living together. All Jesse can do is smirk, while his boyfriend sensibly stays out of the fray and helps himself to more tuna roll. Jackie says she remembers meeting Briana and thinking after five minutes, “I’m in love.” They’ve gone straight past showmance and right into what-the-F-mance.

The only way Jackie could top that would be to reveal that after a good half-hour’s consideration, Briana has decided to carry Jackie’s fertilized embryos. But hey, the night is still young.

The only other topic to gnaw on is Brian Peeler’s ongoing friction with Jackie. This one’s been picked over for two seasons, and all that’s left are the bones.

“It’s not like I kicked him in the balls or anything,” she says about Brian being left out of the meeting. Well, there are physical balls, and there are mental balls. If anyone should understand that, it’s Jackie. And yet she never fires him and he won’t quit. What’s that saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Just another Tuesday – The next day, we meet a Sky Sport employee who doesn’t have sculpted elbows and 2 percent body fat. Lisa is Jackie’s new managing director.

She hands the boss her schedule and takes a good look at her.

Lisa: Stand up. Jackie: Why? What did I do? Lisa:Stand up. Jackie: What did I do?

Jackie stands up with great suspicion.

Lisa: Lift your shirt up. Jackie:No! Lisa: You are fat! Jackie: I am not fat! I’m just nesting.

Jackie wedges her lard-ass back into her stress-fractured chair, the floor beneath her groaning under the strain, as Lisa scolds her for not working out enough.

Elsewhere, another new trainer, Agostina, is on the front lines of the war on fat, beating back the advancing forces of cellulite that threaten to take over Beverly Hills. Agostina comes to Sky Sport by way of winning a personal trainer contest where she laid everyone low with her killer eyes.

She seems down-to-earth and is probably the new Zen, who’s over by the bar at the Comedy Store, waiting to go on.

The Plitoris – Lisa shows Erika a magazine cover featuring the last of the new trainers, Greg Plitt. Plitt is an awesome name because it rhymes with clitoris. Lisa tells Erika that Greg’s “fake as hell” and by the way, “Ew.” Sky Sport doesn’t have a human resources department, I’m just guessing.

Erika gleefully scampers off to show Jesse, who’s sure to be both disgusted and enamored, which isn’t as contradictory as it sounds when you’re a gay man.

Jesse: Yikes. Erika:[in a manly voice] “Wheels of Steel Workout.” Jesse: All natural. Erika:It’s totally all natural. I’m like, OK, “I can bench 400 pounds, after I shove this needle in my thigh!” Jesse:He looks like the Terminator … but I’m sure he’s a very nice person. He looks like a nice person. He looks like, um, he would have a lot of good conversational skills.

Rebecca wanders over to the shameful puddle of drool under Jesse. He passes the magazine to her and they all pore over it like kids in a tree house with an old issue of Playboy. Formerly man meat—crazy Rebecca flips through the pages while Jesse looks on and imagines, “You’d have to climb him.”

While Jesse and Rebecca wonder where the closest REI is, Peeler joins the gang and, because his ego is as big as Plitt’s massive shoulders, immediately concludes that Jackie’s hired the cover boy solely to annoy him.

All heads turn when Mt. Plitt himself comes lumbering in with the gait of someone who knows the heartbreak of chafing.

Plitt claims he’s been working out his “whole life,” but he didn’t to it for “the vanity of what [he] looks like in the mirror.” I decide to call him “Plitoris” from now on because it suits him for reasons other than his last name is Plitt and I’m puerile.

Rebecca puts it most eloquently when she says, “I feel like he’s the new dog in our pack, and we need to go smell his butt.” Bravo probably wouldn’t let them tag him with my most obvious nickname, so the gang decides to call him “Ranger.”

Instead of presenting his butt for sniffing, Plitoris goes with the standard personal trainer greeting: the ab-flash.

This is fascinating from an anthropological standpoint. From a bow, we’ve moved onto the handshake, to the high-five, to the fist-bump, and now this. Sometimes I worry we’re not moving in the right direction as a planet.

Rebecca has something to take her mind off Jackie. Jesse has a reason to stay out on the floor and not in Jackie’s office gossiping with her. Peeler has another reason to feel marginalized. Only fembot Erika is unaffected and suggests that Greg is wearing eyeliner in his photo spread.

Enough about me, what do you think about me? – Plitt goes to work, training a blonde named Michelle. Except his way of training is to work out, too, which is like taking singing lessons from someone who wants to sing every song with you.

The others, who are no strangers to posing and preening, are appalled at how high the Big Bar of Conceitedness has been set. And yet, they can’t tear their eyes away.

Finally, Lisa comes out of her office and tells Plitoris McSteroid to cover up.

Plitoris puts his shirt back on because he’s “a good guy.” While he stays behind to learn the other policies of Sky Sport & Spa, the gang goes out to lunch to process the creature that is Jackie and Briana. Jackanna? Brianckie? Let’s vote.

Out to lunch – Rebecca says it’s the “hot topic,” but she seems to be the only one who wants to keep this dish warm. Only Jesse is willing to jump in.

Rebecca: I think she really wants to be in a healthy relationship, because she’s never really been in one. And I think she’ll be in one, despite the fact that maybe this isn’t the right girl for her, or whatever. Jesse: You don’t think that Briana’s the right girl for her? First of all, is the girl smart? If the girl’s really … I’ve only met her a couple of times, but she’s really, really sweet. Rebecca: No. She’s not that smart. Even Jackie said that. She’s not that smart, and she’s a 25-year-old bartender. Jesse: Why does Jackie go for younger girls all the time?

The group agrees it’s a control issue. Thank goodness that’s settled. Who wants to watch Project Runway?

Jesse then tells a random joke:

Q. Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? A. Because they’re ugly and they stink.

Is it wrong that I laughed? I’m not well. Apparently, Erika is not well either.

Ready to wear – Jackie hosts a little after-work happy hour with cocktails, noshes and new SkyLab clothing that she’s been working on for over a year. Jackie is beaming with pride.

As she bestows each trainer with their own bundle of shorts, shirts and hats, Jackie tells them she paid close attention to softness and detail, and she’s thrilled to have them wearing her creations when they’re training. And by “thrilled” she means “mandatory.” She goes on to tell the girls, “You guys have, like, full-on wardrobe.” The girls say holla.

Jesse says sarcastically, “Wow, Jackie favored the women!” and Jackie laughs a hearty, tough s— laugh for every girl or woman who ever wanted a cool shirt that only came in a men’s XXL, or had to settle for inferior quality and paid more for far, far less.

Plitoris immediately has a problem. He takes one look at his free clothes and turns up his chiseled nose.

Plitoris: I’m just not digging it. Jackie: What don’t you like on my clothing line? Plitoris: How can a guy wear that and be taken seriously? Jackie: I can take them seriously. I think it’s fun.

Plitoris has an issue with the weight-lifting graphic. He says the girl’s pose is “wussied.” At least I think that’s what he said. Honey, I’m sure you’ve worked very hard on that lisp, but we can still hear it.

Jackie: This is L.A. I live in Los Angeles. And all guys, straight guys, love wearing hot chicks – if they’re done vampy – on their shirts. Plitoris: I’m just not digging it.

He turns the shorts inside out to hide Jackie’s SkyLab custom design. Everyone’s eyes are as big as saucers with shock. Rebecca is positively giddy, hiding behind Jackie, because she knows there’s a ball-stomping in store for Mr. Greg Plitt. Maybe not now, but soon, and she’s going to be there with popcorn.

Jackie sends Rebecca mixed signals by wrapping her arms around her. Jesse wants to give Plitoris a big kiss for having the world’s biggest cojones. Plitoris wants to take a group photo, and they all laugh at what a dork he is. Everyone shows their very nice teeth as Lisa takes a picture of the whole hot mess.

Energy vampires – The next day, looking like Kristy McNichol’s older sister, Jackie goes to see Dr. Shirley, her therapist.

Jackie reports that her relationship with Briana is going well, even though Rebecca’s moved to Disturbia.

Jackie: Rebecca is kind of disrespectful. And so, I’m going to, obviously, take care of my girlfriend’s needs more that hers. Dr. Shirley: You know, we talked about how she seems to have some narcissistic tendencies. I don’t want to diagnose her – I’ve never met her before – but that’s what they do. They call them energy vampires.

Energy vampires. I like that. Too bad Jackie’s no Slayer.

Later that day, Jesse is house-sitting and decides what better time to throw a dinner party for crazy people than when his friends have entrusted him with their lovely home? Jackie is an hour late, as usual, and when she finally shows up, she has Briana in tow, even though U-Hauls weren’t invited.

They pull up a couple of chairs. Jackie sits down right next to the energy vampire. Rebecca swears she’s not jealous of Briana, and yet she can’t stop giving them both the stink eye. Just then, Plitt shows up with his blond client, Michelle.

Still irked from the other night, Jackie doesn’t bother to look up or stop eating to acknowledge his arrival. Gregg is impressed with Plitt’s arm candy.

The others cluck in disapproval at socializing with clients. Jackie agrees and says with a completely straight face: “A gym is a very social structure. There’s a lot of grey areas when it comes to dating. But you have to know what lines not to cross.”

Rebecca, would you please pass the salt? The giant loaf of B.S. Jackie just served needs a little something.

Rule-happy Erika frowns on mixing business with pleasure, but then again, she frowns on pleasure on principle. Dour Erika needs to find the fun. Otherwise, life is just a series of tedious jobs, pap smears and tax bills, and then you die.

For all her control issues and overstated self-worth, Jackie knows how to have fun and starts cleaning Briana’s teeth with her tongue right there at the table, but more importantly, right in Plitt’s line of sight.

Brian wonders why this keeps happening. “There’s only so much lesbian kissing anyone can take,” he says. The rest of the table glances at Jackie and Briana uncomfortably, but not because they’re put off by public displays of dental hygiene. They’ve grown tired of watching their boss make out with her ladies in front of them.

Rebecca is especially annoyed, but only because it’s not her, damn it. She retreats to the kitchen before she does anything Mimi-esque. As Jesse is advising Rebecca to “buck up,” Lisa and a friend show up, long after everyone’s done eating.

Rebecca tells Lisa what’s going down, so Lisa sensibly suggests that Rebecca not sit next to Jackie.

As soon as Lisa disappears into the bathroom, Jesse reminds Rebecca who signs Lisa’s paychecks and not to confide in her. It’s like high school, but just the gym class part.

Coming up this season on Work Out: Rebecca says she’s over Jackie, but her tears say otherwise. Brian and Jackie reach critical mass. Erika gets in touch with her inner demons.

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