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“Top Chef” Recaps: Episode 4.4 “Film Food”

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Andrew: I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.

Wow, that is some incredibly unfortunate imagery there, buddy. As a good rule of thumb, the words “food” and “crap” should never be in close proximity to each other. While Andrew works on his metaphors, the other teams run into their own problems.

Zoi and Antonia realize that rack of lamb is expensive, so they will need to be extra careful cutting the chops. And Mark and Ryan realize the store doesn’t have duck for the Christmas feast, so they go with quail.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee – The morning of the Elimination Challenge, Andrew has yet another crazy idea. He wants to be an Oompa Loompa while serving the food so he can “make more of a connection” with the movie. Dale deems the idea too kitschy; Richard deems it too tongue-in-cheek. I deem it just another day inside the insane carnival that is Andrew’s brain.

Once in the kitchen, the chefs are a frenzy of activity. It’s intense, it’s interesting, it’s a miracle. The food looks great, too. Seriously, I’m starving now.

Richard brings out his kitchen toys again to add smoke to his dish. But then technology fails him, and his cool gadget breaks down mid-smoking. Where is Q when you need him?

They try an alternative but it burns the plastic wrap, so they abandon the idea. Then the judges and guests arrive, and in walks Padma. I would like to apologize in advance just in case the rest of this recap turns into an incoherent jumble of monosyllabic grunts. All of my higher brain functions stopped at the sight of Padma in her blue dress. Seriously, seriously.

Padma and Aisha sit side by side, and now I’ve lost control of all motor functions, too. Mmm, Padma and Aisha, mmm. Huh?

Oh right, Team Oompa Loompa was having a crisis. They light a chunk of wood on fire to smoke their salmon instead, which seems to work. But that wooden block is in no way the only thing that’s smoking here tonight.

A world of pure imagination – The Willy Wonka—inspired first course is served and promptly gobbled up. Apparently it’s not just finger-licking good, it’s knife-licking good. The guests and judges praise the dish’s creativity and lightness.

Next, Spike and Manuel’s Good Morning, Vietnam spring rolls. Alas, the judges’ responses are more like good night. They don’t like the fish. They don’t like the vermicelli noodles. And don’t get head judge Tom Colicchio started on the unnecessary, unconnected Swiss chard garnish.

Following them is Nikki and Jennifer’s rustic Il Postino pasta. Tom calls it good, but not great. But Richard, who is used to sparring with opposing critics, says it’s wonderful. So at least one big thumbs up for the gals.

‘Tis the season – For all their disparate taste in films, Ryan and Mark come together nicely to explain their A Christmas Story-inspired fourth course. The quail in lieu of duck breast and spring roll are a huge hit. Judge Ted Allen proclaims it his new favorite dish of the night. Aisha is trying to figure out how to get every last bit of the delicious carrot puree off her plate. Might I suggest licking it? Hey, it worked for Padma and her knife.

The fifth course Talk to Her gals are carefully slicing and plating their rack of lamb. Zoi and Stephanie explain their choice of film to the judges.

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Ryan: I love Dumb and Dumber, I think it’s funnier than s—. Mark: To Kill a Mockingbird.

These jokes, they just write themselves.

They finally settle on A Christmas Story, a film whose name Ryan can’t remember and Mark clearly hasn’t seen. Well, as long as no one shoots his eye out, they might still have a chance.

The final twosome of Stephanie and Lisa have the sixth course, but quickly decide that they don’t want to make dessert. Instead, they go with beef and short ribs. And what movie perfectly illustrates beef and short ribs? According to Lisa, Top Secret.

OK, if you’ve ever seen Top Secret you know that the scene in question involves Val Kilmer in a cow suit and some inappropriate relations with a baby calf. I am now officially frightened by the way Lisa’s mind works.

To market, to market – Back at Whole Foods, the chefs have $150 spend on ingredients. Andrew is beyond excited about their smoked salmon and faux caviar with wasabi—white chocolate sauce dish. Yes, white chocolate and wasabi. More on that later.

Andrew: I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.

Wow, that is some incredibly unfortunate imagery there, buddy. As a good rule of thumb, the words “food” and “crap” should never be in close proximity to each other. While Andrew works on his metaphors, the other teams run into their own problems.

Zoi and Antonia realize that rack of lamb is expensive, so they will need to be extra careful cutting the chops. And Mark and Ryan realize the store doesn’t have duck for the Christmas feast, so they go with quail.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee – The morning of the Elimination Challenge, Andrew has yet another crazy idea. He wants to be an Oompa Loompa while serving the food so he can “make more of a connection” with the movie. Dale deems the idea too kitschy; Richard deems it too tongue-in-cheek. I deem it just another day inside the insane carnival that is Andrew’s brain.

Once in the kitchen, the chefs are a frenzy of activity. It’s intense, it’s interesting, it’s a miracle. The food looks great, too. Seriously, I’m starving now.

Richard brings out his kitchen toys again to add smoke to his dish. But then technology fails him, and his cool gadget breaks down mid-smoking. Where is Q when you need him?

They try an alternative but it burns the plastic wrap, so they abandon the idea. Then the judges and guests arrive, and in walks Padma. I would like to apologize in advance just in case the rest of this recap turns into an incoherent jumble of monosyllabic grunts. All of my higher brain functions stopped at the sight of Padma in her blue dress. Seriously, seriously.

Padma and Aisha sit side by side, and now I’ve lost control of all motor functions, too. Mmm, Padma and Aisha, mmm. Huh?

Oh right, Team Oompa Loompa was having a crisis. They light a chunk of wood on fire to smoke their salmon instead, which seems to work. But that wooden block is in no way the only thing that’s smoking here tonight.

A world of pure imagination – The Willy Wonka—inspired first course is served and promptly gobbled up. Apparently it’s not just finger-licking good, it’s knife-licking good. The guests and judges praise the dish’s creativity and lightness.

Next, Spike and Manuel’s Good Morning, Vietnam spring rolls. Alas, the judges’ responses are more like good night. They don’t like the fish. They don’t like the vermicelli noodles. And don’t get head judge Tom Colicchio started on the unnecessary, unconnected Swiss chard garnish.

Following them is Nikki and Jennifer’s rustic Il Postino pasta. Tom calls it good, but not great. But Richard, who is used to sparring with opposing critics, says it’s wonderful. So at least one big thumbs up for the gals.

‘Tis the season – For all their disparate taste in films, Ryan and Mark come together nicely to explain their A Christmas Story-inspired fourth course. The quail in lieu of duck breast and spring roll are a huge hit. Judge Ted Allen proclaims it his new favorite dish of the night. Aisha is trying to figure out how to get every last bit of the delicious carrot puree off her plate. Might I suggest licking it? Hey, it worked for Padma and her knife.

The fifth course Talk to Her gals are carefully slicing and plating their rack of lamb. Zoi and Stephanie explain their choice of film to the judges.

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Nikki: I think it’s romantic, it’s like country Italian. Jennifer: Yeah, we can hold hands; it’ll be cool.

Oh those sneaky chefbians, always looking to convert the straight chefs. Like you need another toaster oven, girl. Better be careful though, someone is keeping a watchful eye on them from across the kitchen.

Jennifer confesses that it’s more difficult than she thought competing against her girlfriend, Zoi. She also says she knows it will only get harder, but she thinks they both have a good shot at continuing on. Not if she keeps flirting with the competition, they don’t.

Following them with the fourth course are Zoi and Antonia. They go with Talk to Her because it is about two creative woman. So far I have to say nice movie picks, chefs.

I’m with stupid – But, oh dear, I spoke too soon. Fifth course pair Ryan and Mark clearly don’t have any films in common in their Netflix queues. Ryan is less than thrilled to be working with the guy from “New Zealand, New England, where the hell is Mark from?” What was that about Ryan being as dense as his gnocchis, again?

The odd couple’s favorite movies?

Ryan: I love Dumb and Dumber, I think it’s funnier than s—. Mark: To Kill a Mockingbird.

These jokes, they just write themselves.

They finally settle on A Christmas Story, a film whose name Ryan can’t remember and Mark clearly hasn’t seen. Well, as long as no one shoots his eye out, they might still have a chance.

The final twosome of Stephanie and Lisa have the sixth course, but quickly decide that they don’t want to make dessert. Instead, they go with beef and short ribs. And what movie perfectly illustrates beef and short ribs? According to Lisa, Top Secret.

OK, if you’ve ever seen Top Secret you know that the scene in question involves Val Kilmer in a cow suit and some inappropriate relations with a baby calf. I am now officially frightened by the way Lisa’s mind works.

To market, to market – Back at Whole Foods, the chefs have $150 spend on ingredients. Andrew is beyond excited about their smoked salmon and faux caviar with wasabi—white chocolate sauce dish. Yes, white chocolate and wasabi. More on that later.

Andrew: I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.

Wow, that is some incredibly unfortunate imagery there, buddy. As a good rule of thumb, the words “food” and “crap” should never be in close proximity to each other. While Andrew works on his metaphors, the other teams run into their own problems.

Zoi and Antonia realize that rack of lamb is expensive, so they will need to be extra careful cutting the chops. And Mark and Ryan realize the store doesn’t have duck for the Christmas feast, so they go with quail.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee – The morning of the Elimination Challenge, Andrew has yet another crazy idea. He wants to be an Oompa Loompa while serving the food so he can “make more of a connection” with the movie. Dale deems the idea too kitschy; Richard deems it too tongue-in-cheek. I deem it just another day inside the insane carnival that is Andrew’s brain.

Once in the kitchen, the chefs are a frenzy of activity. It’s intense, it’s interesting, it’s a miracle. The food looks great, too. Seriously, I’m starving now.

Richard brings out his kitchen toys again to add smoke to his dish. But then technology fails him, and his cool gadget breaks down mid-smoking. Where is Q when you need him?

They try an alternative but it burns the plastic wrap, so they abandon the idea. Then the judges and guests arrive, and in walks Padma. I would like to apologize in advance just in case the rest of this recap turns into an incoherent jumble of monosyllabic grunts. All of my higher brain functions stopped at the sight of Padma in her blue dress. Seriously, seriously.

Padma and Aisha sit side by side, and now I’ve lost control of all motor functions, too. Mmm, Padma and Aisha, mmm. Huh?

Oh right, Team Oompa Loompa was having a crisis. They light a chunk of wood on fire to smoke their salmon instead, which seems to work. But that wooden block is in no way the only thing that’s smoking here tonight.

A world of pure imagination – The Willy Wonka—inspired first course is served and promptly gobbled up. Apparently it’s not just finger-licking good, it’s knife-licking good. The guests and judges praise the dish’s creativity and lightness.

Next, Spike and Manuel’s Good Morning, Vietnam spring rolls. Alas, the judges’ responses are more like good night. They don’t like the fish. They don’t like the vermicelli noodles. And don’t get head judge Tom Colicchio started on the unnecessary, unconnected Swiss chard garnish.

Following them is Nikki and Jennifer’s rustic Il Postino pasta. Tom calls it good, but not great. But Richard, who is used to sparring with opposing critics, says it’s wonderful. So at least one big thumbs up for the gals.

‘Tis the season – For all their disparate taste in films, Ryan and Mark come together nicely to explain their A Christmas Story-inspired fourth course. The quail in lieu of duck breast and spring roll are a huge hit. Judge Ted Allen proclaims it his new favorite dish of the night. Aisha is trying to figure out how to get every last bit of the delicious carrot puree off her plate. Might I suggest licking it? Hey, it worked for Padma and her knife.

The fifth course Talk to Her gals are carefully slicing and plating their rack of lamb. Zoi and Stephanie explain their choice of film to the judges.

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Zoi: “The chiffonade is well done. You see, it’s paper thin.” Dale: “I am very impressed.” Lisa: “This is back to basic.” Richard: “Is nice the different tastes and textures.” Spike: “You definitely showed the different skill of cutting and all that.” Manuel: “Fennel frond is not really a technique, it is just more of a composition.” Nikki: “When you grill a vegetable, even if it is to show the technique, [you need] a little bit of seasoning.”

The worst: Nikki (endive boat bombed), Lisa (techniques didn’t mesh), Manuel (level one techniques – ouch). The best: Zoi (perfectly poached egg), Dale (amazing knife skills), Richard (an amazing presentation). See, Zoi, no need to fret. Sorry I can’t say the same for you, Nikki and Lisa.

Winning for his technical wizardry is Dale who, more importantly, also gets immunity. If this was Survivor, Padma would give him some kind of Immunity Ladle at this point. She would also probably be wearing a bikini. Damn, now I wish this was Survivor.

Two thumbs up – With Quickfire a thing of the past, Padma explains the Elimination Challenge. The chefs will create a six-course dinner in which each course is inspired by their favorite film. They will draw numbered knives to pair off and cook the coinciding course. The dinner party is being hosted by renowned Chicago Sun-Times film critic Richard Roeper (half of Ebert and Roeper) for his friend, actress Aisha Tyler.

Since there are an uneven number of contestants, Dale gets to pick which of the six teams he would like to join. He goes with the Richard/Spike first-course combo.

Everyone has Richard envy. Antonia says the he is her biggest competition, and Dale says he’s been chomping at the bit to work with him. Thank heavens we have zany Andrew to bring the crazy. He sees Dale as the third wheel since “the weak choose the strong.”

The first course team of Richard, Andrew and Dale pick Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Second coursers Spike and Manuel first think Mexican (Manuel’s specialty), but then go Vietnamese (Spike’s strength). So they go with Good Morning, Vietnam to mesh with their menu. Manuel says he looks forward to learning about Vietnamese cooking. Hey, it’s about favorite films, not favorite documentaries.

Third course couple Jennifer and Nikki both have backgrounds in Italian food, so they think of Il Postino.

Nikki: I think it’s romantic, it’s like country Italian. Jennifer: Yeah, we can hold hands; it’ll be cool.

Oh those sneaky chefbians, always looking to convert the straight chefs. Like you need another toaster oven, girl. Better be careful though, someone is keeping a watchful eye on them from across the kitchen.

Jennifer confesses that it’s more difficult than she thought competing against her girlfriend, Zoi. She also says she knows it will only get harder, but she thinks they both have a good shot at continuing on. Not if she keeps flirting with the competition, they don’t.

Following them with the fourth course are Zoi and Antonia. They go with Talk to Her because it is about two creative woman. So far I have to say nice movie picks, chefs.

I’m with stupid – But, oh dear, I spoke too soon. Fifth course pair Ryan and Mark clearly don’t have any films in common in their Netflix queues. Ryan is less than thrilled to be working with the guy from “New Zealand, New England, where the hell is Mark from?” What was that about Ryan being as dense as his gnocchis, again?

The odd couple’s favorite movies?

Ryan: I love Dumb and Dumber, I think it’s funnier than s—. Mark: To Kill a Mockingbird.

These jokes, they just write themselves.

They finally settle on A Christmas Story, a film whose name Ryan can’t remember and Mark clearly hasn’t seen. Well, as long as no one shoots his eye out, they might still have a chance.

The final twosome of Stephanie and Lisa have the sixth course, but quickly decide that they don’t want to make dessert. Instead, they go with beef and short ribs. And what movie perfectly illustrates beef and short ribs? According to Lisa, Top Secret.

OK, if you’ve ever seen Top Secret you know that the scene in question involves Val Kilmer in a cow suit and some inappropriate relations with a baby calf. I am now officially frightened by the way Lisa’s mind works.

To market, to market – Back at Whole Foods, the chefs have $150 spend on ingredients. Andrew is beyond excited about their smoked salmon and faux caviar with wasabi—white chocolate sauce dish. Yes, white chocolate and wasabi. More on that later.

Andrew: I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.

Wow, that is some incredibly unfortunate imagery there, buddy. As a good rule of thumb, the words “food” and “crap” should never be in close proximity to each other. While Andrew works on his metaphors, the other teams run into their own problems.

Zoi and Antonia realize that rack of lamb is expensive, so they will need to be extra careful cutting the chops. And Mark and Ryan realize the store doesn’t have duck for the Christmas feast, so they go with quail.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee – The morning of the Elimination Challenge, Andrew has yet another crazy idea. He wants to be an Oompa Loompa while serving the food so he can “make more of a connection” with the movie. Dale deems the idea too kitschy; Richard deems it too tongue-in-cheek. I deem it just another day inside the insane carnival that is Andrew’s brain.

Once in the kitchen, the chefs are a frenzy of activity. It’s intense, it’s interesting, it’s a miracle. The food looks great, too. Seriously, I’m starving now.

Richard brings out his kitchen toys again to add smoke to his dish. But then technology fails him, and his cool gadget breaks down mid-smoking. Where is Q when you need him?

They try an alternative but it burns the plastic wrap, so they abandon the idea. Then the judges and guests arrive, and in walks Padma. I would like to apologize in advance just in case the rest of this recap turns into an incoherent jumble of monosyllabic grunts. All of my higher brain functions stopped at the sight of Padma in her blue dress. Seriously, seriously.

Padma and Aisha sit side by side, and now I’ve lost control of all motor functions, too. Mmm, Padma and Aisha, mmm. Huh?

Oh right, Team Oompa Loompa was having a crisis. They light a chunk of wood on fire to smoke their salmon instead, which seems to work. But that wooden block is in no way the only thing that’s smoking here tonight.

A world of pure imagination – The Willy Wonka—inspired first course is served and promptly gobbled up. Apparently it’s not just finger-licking good, it’s knife-licking good. The guests and judges praise the dish’s creativity and lightness.

Next, Spike and Manuel’s Good Morning, Vietnam spring rolls. Alas, the judges’ responses are more like good night. They don’t like the fish. They don’t like the vermicelli noodles. And don’t get head judge Tom Colicchio started on the unnecessary, unconnected Swiss chard garnish.

Following them is Nikki and Jennifer’s rustic Il Postino pasta. Tom calls it good, but not great. But Richard, who is used to sparring with opposing critics, says it’s wonderful. So at least one big thumbs up for the gals.

‘Tis the season – For all their disparate taste in films, Ryan and Mark come together nicely to explain their A Christmas Story-inspired fourth course. The quail in lieu of duck breast and spring roll are a huge hit. Judge Ted Allen proclaims it his new favorite dish of the night. Aisha is trying to figure out how to get every last bit of the delicious carrot puree off her plate. Might I suggest licking it? Hey, it worked for Padma and her knife.

The fifth course Talk to Her gals are carefully slicing and plating their rack of lamb. Zoi and Stephanie explain their choice of film to the judges.

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Lisa: I am not into the classical training methods. I like to do things differently. I like to do things however I feel is the best for that moment. This is just not my style of cooking.

Remind me to play poker with Lisa sometime soon, because that face is a dead giveaway.

Eat your veggies – Chef Boulud mentions that two of the cheftestants, Richard and Ryan, have worked in his kitchen before but that will not influence his judgment. Then it’s off to spend 30 minutes doing the culinary equivalent of minding your P’s and Q’s.

Lisa isn’t the only chef quaking in her apron. Nikki and Zoi are both worried about not having the same classical training or technical skills of their competitors. Lots of stuff is sliced and diced and shaped using techniques I can’t spell, let alone use. Bâtonnets, quenelles and tournées, oh my.

Richard scoffs at everyone else’s slavish attention to their knife skills and says he is more concerned about being a chef. Lisa, in the meantime, is intimidated by Dale’s knife skills and scraps her plans to skin a cucumber when she sees his paper-thin results.

Then after the final plates are sauced and garnished, it’s time for jazz hands again as the clock ticks to zero. Top Chef by Fosse – now that’s something I’d pay to see.

Mad skillz, I has them – Now it’s time for Chef Boulud to judge their technique. Who got served?

Zoi: “The chiffonade is well done. You see, it’s paper thin.” Dale: “I am very impressed.” Lisa: “This is back to basic.” Richard: “Is nice the different tastes and textures.” Spike: “You definitely showed the different skill of cutting and all that.” Manuel: “Fennel frond is not really a technique, it is just more of a composition.” Nikki: “When you grill a vegetable, even if it is to show the technique, [you need] a little bit of seasoning.”

The worst: Nikki (endive boat bombed), Lisa (techniques didn’t mesh), Manuel (level one techniques – ouch). The best: Zoi (perfectly poached egg), Dale (amazing knife skills), Richard (an amazing presentation). See, Zoi, no need to fret. Sorry I can’t say the same for you, Nikki and Lisa.

Winning for his technical wizardry is Dale who, more importantly, also gets immunity. If this was Survivor, Padma would give him some kind of Immunity Ladle at this point. She would also probably be wearing a bikini. Damn, now I wish this was Survivor.

Two thumbs up – With Quickfire a thing of the past, Padma explains the Elimination Challenge. The chefs will create a six-course dinner in which each course is inspired by their favorite film. They will draw numbered knives to pair off and cook the coinciding course. The dinner party is being hosted by renowned Chicago Sun-Times film critic Richard Roeper (half of Ebert and Roeper) for his friend, actress Aisha Tyler.

Since there are an uneven number of contestants, Dale gets to pick which of the six teams he would like to join. He goes with the Richard/Spike first-course combo.

Everyone has Richard envy. Antonia says the he is her biggest competition, and Dale says he’s been chomping at the bit to work with him. Thank heavens we have zany Andrew to bring the crazy. He sees Dale as the third wheel since “the weak choose the strong.”

The first course team of Richard, Andrew and Dale pick Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Second coursers Spike and Manuel first think Mexican (Manuel’s specialty), but then go Vietnamese (Spike’s strength). So they go with Good Morning, Vietnam to mesh with their menu. Manuel says he looks forward to learning about Vietnamese cooking. Hey, it’s about favorite films, not favorite documentaries.

Third course couple Jennifer and Nikki both have backgrounds in Italian food, so they think of Il Postino.

Nikki: I think it’s romantic, it’s like country Italian. Jennifer: Yeah, we can hold hands; it’ll be cool.

Oh those sneaky chefbians, always looking to convert the straight chefs. Like you need another toaster oven, girl. Better be careful though, someone is keeping a watchful eye on them from across the kitchen.

Jennifer confesses that it’s more difficult than she thought competing against her girlfriend, Zoi. She also says she knows it will only get harder, but she thinks they both have a good shot at continuing on. Not if she keeps flirting with the competition, they don’t.

Following them with the fourth course are Zoi and Antonia. They go with Talk to Her because it is about two creative woman. So far I have to say nice movie picks, chefs.

I’m with stupid – But, oh dear, I spoke too soon. Fifth course pair Ryan and Mark clearly don’t have any films in common in their Netflix queues. Ryan is less than thrilled to be working with the guy from “New Zealand, New England, where the hell is Mark from?” What was that about Ryan being as dense as his gnocchis, again?

The odd couple’s favorite movies?

Ryan: I love Dumb and Dumber, I think it’s funnier than s—. Mark: To Kill a Mockingbird.

These jokes, they just write themselves.

They finally settle on A Christmas Story, a film whose name Ryan can’t remember and Mark clearly hasn’t seen. Well, as long as no one shoots his eye out, they might still have a chance.

The final twosome of Stephanie and Lisa have the sixth course, but quickly decide that they don’t want to make dessert. Instead, they go with beef and short ribs. And what movie perfectly illustrates beef and short ribs? According to Lisa, Top Secret.

OK, if you’ve ever seen Top Secret you know that the scene in question involves Val Kilmer in a cow suit and some inappropriate relations with a baby calf. I am now officially frightened by the way Lisa’s mind works.

To market, to market – Back at Whole Foods, the chefs have $150 spend on ingredients. Andrew is beyond excited about their smoked salmon and faux caviar with wasabi—white chocolate sauce dish. Yes, white chocolate and wasabi. More on that later.

Andrew: I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.

Wow, that is some incredibly unfortunate imagery there, buddy. As a good rule of thumb, the words “food” and “crap” should never be in close proximity to each other. While Andrew works on his metaphors, the other teams run into their own problems.

Zoi and Antonia realize that rack of lamb is expensive, so they will need to be extra careful cutting the chops. And Mark and Ryan realize the store doesn’t have duck for the Christmas feast, so they go with quail.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee – The morning of the Elimination Challenge, Andrew has yet another crazy idea. He wants to be an Oompa Loompa while serving the food so he can “make more of a connection” with the movie. Dale deems the idea too kitschy; Richard deems it too tongue-in-cheek. I deem it just another day inside the insane carnival that is Andrew’s brain.

Once in the kitchen, the chefs are a frenzy of activity. It’s intense, it’s interesting, it’s a miracle. The food looks great, too. Seriously, I’m starving now.

Richard brings out his kitchen toys again to add smoke to his dish. But then technology fails him, and his cool gadget breaks down mid-smoking. Where is Q when you need him?

They try an alternative but it burns the plastic wrap, so they abandon the idea. Then the judges and guests arrive, and in walks Padma. I would like to apologize in advance just in case the rest of this recap turns into an incoherent jumble of monosyllabic grunts. All of my higher brain functions stopped at the sight of Padma in her blue dress. Seriously, seriously.

Padma and Aisha sit side by side, and now I’ve lost control of all motor functions, too. Mmm, Padma and Aisha, mmm. Huh?

Oh right, Team Oompa Loompa was having a crisis. They light a chunk of wood on fire to smoke their salmon instead, which seems to work. But that wooden block is in no way the only thing that’s smoking here tonight.

A world of pure imagination – The Willy Wonka—inspired first course is served and promptly gobbled up. Apparently it’s not just finger-licking good, it’s knife-licking good. The guests and judges praise the dish’s creativity and lightness.

Next, Spike and Manuel’s Good Morning, Vietnam spring rolls. Alas, the judges’ responses are more like good night. They don’t like the fish. They don’t like the vermicelli noodles. And don’t get head judge Tom Colicchio started on the unnecessary, unconnected Swiss chard garnish.

Following them is Nikki and Jennifer’s rustic Il Postino pasta. Tom calls it good, but not great. But Richard, who is used to sparring with opposing critics, says it’s wonderful. So at least one big thumbs up for the gals.

‘Tis the season – For all their disparate taste in films, Ryan and Mark come together nicely to explain their A Christmas Story-inspired fourth course. The quail in lieu of duck breast and spring roll are a huge hit. Judge Ted Allen proclaims it his new favorite dish of the night. Aisha is trying to figure out how to get every last bit of the delicious carrot puree off her plate. Might I suggest licking it? Hey, it worked for Padma and her knife.

The fifth course Talk to Her gals are carefully slicing and plating their rack of lamb. Zoi and Stephanie explain their choice of film to the judges.

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Spike: I love those girls and I feel they complement each other beautifully, but I am ready for one of them to go. It is a competition, and having two people in the house that are kind of like working together and understand each other’s thought processes, it puts the rest of us at a slight disadvantage, and that’s all it takes in this competition – a slight disadvantage.

Name that chef – The cooking crew heads out in their holdover red-and-blue SUVs from last episode. In the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma is waiting with a familiar face – or someone who should be a familiar face. In fact, she says if they can’t recognize him, they should leave now.

Does that mean I have to slink away from my TV set now, too?

Actually, he does look familiar. I think I remember him from last season. Turns out the guest judge is none other than famed French chef and restaurateur Daniel Boulud. Padma asks him what the most important foundation for a chef is. His answer: technique. And with that a Quickfire Challenge is born.

The chefs must create a “beautiful vegetable plate” using at least three classical techniques that will impress Chef Boulud. Immediately, long-lost chefbian contestant Lisa (seriously, I almost forgot she was on the show) says she is nervous.

Lisa: I am not into the classical training methods. I like to do things differently. I like to do things however I feel is the best for that moment. This is just not my style of cooking.

Remind me to play poker with Lisa sometime soon, because that face is a dead giveaway.

Eat your veggies – Chef Boulud mentions that two of the cheftestants, Richard and Ryan, have worked in his kitchen before but that will not influence his judgment. Then it’s off to spend 30 minutes doing the culinary equivalent of minding your P’s and Q’s.

Lisa isn’t the only chef quaking in her apron. Nikki and Zoi are both worried about not having the same classical training or technical skills of their competitors. Lots of stuff is sliced and diced and shaped using techniques I can’t spell, let alone use. Bâtonnets, quenelles and tournées, oh my.

Richard scoffs at everyone else’s slavish attention to their knife skills and says he is more concerned about being a chef. Lisa, in the meantime, is intimidated by Dale’s knife skills and scraps her plans to skin a cucumber when she sees his paper-thin results.

Then after the final plates are sauced and garnished, it’s time for jazz hands again as the clock ticks to zero. Top Chef by Fosse – now that’s something I’d pay to see.

Mad skillz, I has them – Now it’s time for Chef Boulud to judge their technique. Who got served?

Zoi: “The chiffonade is well done. You see, it’s paper thin.” Dale: “I am very impressed.” Lisa: “This is back to basic.” Richard: “Is nice the different tastes and textures.” Spike: “You definitely showed the different skill of cutting and all that.” Manuel: “Fennel frond is not really a technique, it is just more of a composition.” Nikki: “When you grill a vegetable, even if it is to show the technique, [you need] a little bit of seasoning.”

The worst: Nikki (endive boat bombed), Lisa (techniques didn’t mesh), Manuel (level one techniques – ouch). The best: Zoi (perfectly poached egg), Dale (amazing knife skills), Richard (an amazing presentation). See, Zoi, no need to fret. Sorry I can’t say the same for you, Nikki and Lisa.

Winning for his technical wizardry is Dale who, more importantly, also gets immunity. If this was Survivor, Padma would give him some kind of Immunity Ladle at this point. She would also probably be wearing a bikini. Damn, now I wish this was Survivor.

Two thumbs up – With Quickfire a thing of the past, Padma explains the Elimination Challenge. The chefs will create a six-course dinner in which each course is inspired by their favorite film. They will draw numbered knives to pair off and cook the coinciding course. The dinner party is being hosted by renowned Chicago Sun-Times film critic Richard Roeper (half of Ebert and Roeper) for his friend, actress Aisha Tyler.

Since there are an uneven number of contestants, Dale gets to pick which of the six teams he would like to join. He goes with the Richard/Spike first-course combo.

Everyone has Richard envy. Antonia says the he is her biggest competition, and Dale says he’s been chomping at the bit to work with him. Thank heavens we have zany Andrew to bring the crazy. He sees Dale as the third wheel since “the weak choose the strong.”

The first course team of Richard, Andrew and Dale pick Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Second coursers Spike and Manuel first think Mexican (Manuel’s specialty), but then go Vietnamese (Spike’s strength). So they go with Good Morning, Vietnam to mesh with their menu. Manuel says he looks forward to learning about Vietnamese cooking. Hey, it’s about favorite films, not favorite documentaries.

Third course couple Jennifer and Nikki both have backgrounds in Italian food, so they think of Il Postino.

Nikki: I think it’s romantic, it’s like country Italian. Jennifer: Yeah, we can hold hands; it’ll be cool.

Oh those sneaky chefbians, always looking to convert the straight chefs. Like you need another toaster oven, girl. Better be careful though, someone is keeping a watchful eye on them from across the kitchen.

Jennifer confesses that it’s more difficult than she thought competing against her girlfriend, Zoi. She also says she knows it will only get harder, but she thinks they both have a good shot at continuing on. Not if she keeps flirting with the competition, they don’t.

Following them with the fourth course are Zoi and Antonia. They go with Talk to Her because it is about two creative woman. So far I have to say nice movie picks, chefs.

I’m with stupid – But, oh dear, I spoke too soon. Fifth course pair Ryan and Mark clearly don’t have any films in common in their Netflix queues. Ryan is less than thrilled to be working with the guy from “New Zealand, New England, where the hell is Mark from?” What was that about Ryan being as dense as his gnocchis, again?

The odd couple’s favorite movies?

Ryan: I love Dumb and Dumber, I think it’s funnier than s—. Mark: To Kill a Mockingbird.

These jokes, they just write themselves.

They finally settle on A Christmas Story, a film whose name Ryan can’t remember and Mark clearly hasn’t seen. Well, as long as no one shoots his eye out, they might still have a chance.

The final twosome of Stephanie and Lisa have the sixth course, but quickly decide that they don’t want to make dessert. Instead, they go with beef and short ribs. And what movie perfectly illustrates beef and short ribs? According to Lisa, Top Secret.

OK, if you’ve ever seen Top Secret you know that the scene in question involves Val Kilmer in a cow suit and some inappropriate relations with a baby calf. I am now officially frightened by the way Lisa’s mind works.

To market, to market – Back at Whole Foods, the chefs have $150 spend on ingredients. Andrew is beyond excited about their smoked salmon and faux caviar with wasabi—white chocolate sauce dish. Yes, white chocolate and wasabi. More on that later.

Andrew: I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.

Wow, that is some incredibly unfortunate imagery there, buddy. As a good rule of thumb, the words “food” and “crap” should never be in close proximity to each other. While Andrew works on his metaphors, the other teams run into their own problems.

Zoi and Antonia realize that rack of lamb is expensive, so they will need to be extra careful cutting the chops. And Mark and Ryan realize the store doesn’t have duck for the Christmas feast, so they go with quail.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee – The morning of the Elimination Challenge, Andrew has yet another crazy idea. He wants to be an Oompa Loompa while serving the food so he can “make more of a connection” with the movie. Dale deems the idea too kitschy; Richard deems it too tongue-in-cheek. I deem it just another day inside the insane carnival that is Andrew’s brain.

Once in the kitchen, the chefs are a frenzy of activity. It’s intense, it’s interesting, it’s a miracle. The food looks great, too. Seriously, I’m starving now.

Richard brings out his kitchen toys again to add smoke to his dish. But then technology fails him, and his cool gadget breaks down mid-smoking. Where is Q when you need him?

They try an alternative but it burns the plastic wrap, so they abandon the idea. Then the judges and guests arrive, and in walks Padma. I would like to apologize in advance just in case the rest of this recap turns into an incoherent jumble of monosyllabic grunts. All of my higher brain functions stopped at the sight of Padma in her blue dress. Seriously, seriously.

Padma and Aisha sit side by side, and now I’ve lost control of all motor functions, too. Mmm, Padma and Aisha, mmm. Huh?

Oh right, Team Oompa Loompa was having a crisis. They light a chunk of wood on fire to smoke their salmon instead, which seems to work. But that wooden block is in no way the only thing that’s smoking here tonight.

A world of pure imagination – The Willy Wonka—inspired first course is served and promptly gobbled up. Apparently it’s not just finger-licking good, it’s knife-licking good. The guests and judges praise the dish’s creativity and lightness.

Next, Spike and Manuel’s Good Morning, Vietnam spring rolls. Alas, the judges’ responses are more like good night. They don’t like the fish. They don’t like the vermicelli noodles. And don’t get head judge Tom Colicchio started on the unnecessary, unconnected Swiss chard garnish.

Following them is Nikki and Jennifer’s rustic Il Postino pasta. Tom calls it good, but not great. But Richard, who is used to sparring with opposing critics, says it’s wonderful. So at least one big thumbs up for the gals.

‘Tis the season – For all their disparate taste in films, Ryan and Mark come together nicely to explain their A Christmas Story-inspired fourth course. The quail in lieu of duck breast and spring roll are a huge hit. Judge Ted Allen proclaims it his new favorite dish of the night. Aisha is trying to figure out how to get every last bit of the delicious carrot puree off her plate. Might I suggest licking it? Hey, it worked for Padma and her knife.

The fifth course Talk to Her gals are carefully slicing and plating their rack of lamb. Zoi and Stephanie explain their choice of film to the judges.

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

Jennifer: Everyone has mentioned that they miss their boyfriend or their girlfriend or their kids. I try to be really respectful because Zoi and I have an advantage. We can look at each other. We actually get to touch each other. So I try to be as fair as I can and, like, we keep our distance.

No, we want more touching. More touching, please. Spike, however, does not appreciate all the touching.

Spike: I love those girls and I feel they complement each other beautifully, but I am ready for one of them to go. It is a competition, and having two people in the house that are kind of like working together and understand each other’s thought processes, it puts the rest of us at a slight disadvantage, and that’s all it takes in this competition – a slight disadvantage.

Name that chef – The cooking crew heads out in their holdover red-and-blue SUVs from last episode. In the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma is waiting with a familiar face – or someone who should be a familiar face. In fact, she says if they can’t recognize him, they should leave now.

Does that mean I have to slink away from my TV set now, too?

Actually, he does look familiar. I think I remember him from last season. Turns out the guest judge is none other than famed French chef and restaurateur Daniel Boulud. Padma asks him what the most important foundation for a chef is. His answer: technique. And with that a Quickfire Challenge is born.

The chefs must create a “beautiful vegetable plate” using at least three classical techniques that will impress Chef Boulud. Immediately, long-lost chefbian contestant Lisa (seriously, I almost forgot she was on the show) says she is nervous.

Lisa: I am not into the classical training methods. I like to do things differently. I like to do things however I feel is the best for that moment. This is just not my style of cooking.

Remind me to play poker with Lisa sometime soon, because that face is a dead giveaway.

Eat your veggies – Chef Boulud mentions that two of the cheftestants, Richard and Ryan, have worked in his kitchen before but that will not influence his judgment. Then it’s off to spend 30 minutes doing the culinary equivalent of minding your P’s and Q’s.

Lisa isn’t the only chef quaking in her apron. Nikki and Zoi are both worried about not having the same classical training or technical skills of their competitors. Lots of stuff is sliced and diced and shaped using techniques I can’t spell, let alone use. Bâtonnets, quenelles and tournées, oh my.

Richard scoffs at everyone else’s slavish attention to their knife skills and says he is more concerned about being a chef. Lisa, in the meantime, is intimidated by Dale’s knife skills and scraps her plans to skin a cucumber when she sees his paper-thin results.

Then after the final plates are sauced and garnished, it’s time for jazz hands again as the clock ticks to zero. Top Chef by Fosse – now that’s something I’d pay to see.

Mad skillz, I has them – Now it’s time for Chef Boulud to judge their technique. Who got served?

Zoi: “The chiffonade is well done. You see, it’s paper thin.” Dale: “I am very impressed.” Lisa: “This is back to basic.” Richard: “Is nice the different tastes and textures.” Spike: “You definitely showed the different skill of cutting and all that.” Manuel: “Fennel frond is not really a technique, it is just more of a composition.” Nikki: “When you grill a vegetable, even if it is to show the technique, [you need] a little bit of seasoning.”

The worst: Nikki (endive boat bombed), Lisa (techniques didn’t mesh), Manuel (level one techniques – ouch). The best: Zoi (perfectly poached egg), Dale (amazing knife skills), Richard (an amazing presentation). See, Zoi, no need to fret. Sorry I can’t say the same for you, Nikki and Lisa.

Winning for his technical wizardry is Dale who, more importantly, also gets immunity. If this was Survivor, Padma would give him some kind of Immunity Ladle at this point. She would also probably be wearing a bikini. Damn, now I wish this was Survivor.

Two thumbs up – With Quickfire a thing of the past, Padma explains the Elimination Challenge. The chefs will create a six-course dinner in which each course is inspired by their favorite film. They will draw numbered knives to pair off and cook the coinciding course. The dinner party is being hosted by renowned Chicago Sun-Times film critic Richard Roeper (half of Ebert and Roeper) for his friend, actress Aisha Tyler.

Since there are an uneven number of contestants, Dale gets to pick which of the six teams he would like to join. He goes with the Richard/Spike first-course combo.

Everyone has Richard envy. Antonia says the he is her biggest competition, and Dale says he’s been chomping at the bit to work with him. Thank heavens we have zany Andrew to bring the crazy. He sees Dale as the third wheel since “the weak choose the strong.”

The first course team of Richard, Andrew and Dale pick Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Second coursers Spike and Manuel first think Mexican (Manuel’s specialty), but then go Vietnamese (Spike’s strength). So they go with Good Morning, Vietnam to mesh with their menu. Manuel says he looks forward to learning about Vietnamese cooking. Hey, it’s about favorite films, not favorite documentaries.

Third course couple Jennifer and Nikki both have backgrounds in Italian food, so they think of Il Postino.

Nikki: I think it’s romantic, it’s like country Italian. Jennifer: Yeah, we can hold hands; it’ll be cool.

Oh those sneaky chefbians, always looking to convert the straight chefs. Like you need another toaster oven, girl. Better be careful though, someone is keeping a watchful eye on them from across the kitchen.

Jennifer confesses that it’s more difficult than she thought competing against her girlfriend, Zoi. She also says she knows it will only get harder, but she thinks they both have a good shot at continuing on. Not if she keeps flirting with the competition, they don’t.

Following them with the fourth course are Zoi and Antonia. They go with Talk to Her because it is about two creative woman. So far I have to say nice movie picks, chefs.

I’m with stupid – But, oh dear, I spoke too soon. Fifth course pair Ryan and Mark clearly don’t have any films in common in their Netflix queues. Ryan is less than thrilled to be working with the guy from “New Zealand, New England, where the hell is Mark from?” What was that about Ryan being as dense as his gnocchis, again?

The odd couple’s favorite movies?

Ryan: I love Dumb and Dumber, I think it’s funnier than s—. Mark: To Kill a Mockingbird.

These jokes, they just write themselves.

They finally settle on A Christmas Story, a film whose name Ryan can’t remember and Mark clearly hasn’t seen. Well, as long as no one shoots his eye out, they might still have a chance.

The final twosome of Stephanie and Lisa have the sixth course, but quickly decide that they don’t want to make dessert. Instead, they go with beef and short ribs. And what movie perfectly illustrates beef and short ribs? According to Lisa, Top Secret.

OK, if you’ve ever seen Top Secret you know that the scene in question involves Val Kilmer in a cow suit and some inappropriate relations with a baby calf. I am now officially frightened by the way Lisa’s mind works.

To market, to market – Back at Whole Foods, the chefs have $150 spend on ingredients. Andrew is beyond excited about their smoked salmon and faux caviar with wasabi—white chocolate sauce dish. Yes, white chocolate and wasabi. More on that later.

Andrew: I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.

Wow, that is some incredibly unfortunate imagery there, buddy. As a good rule of thumb, the words “food” and “crap” should never be in close proximity to each other. While Andrew works on his metaphors, the other teams run into their own problems.

Zoi and Antonia realize that rack of lamb is expensive, so they will need to be extra careful cutting the chops. And Mark and Ryan realize the store doesn’t have duck for the Christmas feast, so they go with quail.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee – The morning of the Elimination Challenge, Andrew has yet another crazy idea. He wants to be an Oompa Loompa while serving the food so he can “make more of a connection” with the movie. Dale deems the idea too kitschy; Richard deems it too tongue-in-cheek. I deem it just another day inside the insane carnival that is Andrew’s brain.

Once in the kitchen, the chefs are a frenzy of activity. It’s intense, it’s interesting, it’s a miracle. The food looks great, too. Seriously, I’m starving now.

Richard brings out his kitchen toys again to add smoke to his dish. But then technology fails him, and his cool gadget breaks down mid-smoking. Where is Q when you need him?

They try an alternative but it burns the plastic wrap, so they abandon the idea. Then the judges and guests arrive, and in walks Padma. I would like to apologize in advance just in case the rest of this recap turns into an incoherent jumble of monosyllabic grunts. All of my higher brain functions stopped at the sight of Padma in her blue dress. Seriously, seriously.

Padma and Aisha sit side by side, and now I’ve lost control of all motor functions, too. Mmm, Padma and Aisha, mmm. Huh?

Oh right, Team Oompa Loompa was having a crisis. They light a chunk of wood on fire to smoke their salmon instead, which seems to work. But that wooden block is in no way the only thing that’s smoking here tonight.

A world of pure imagination – The Willy Wonka—inspired first course is served and promptly gobbled up. Apparently it’s not just finger-licking good, it’s knife-licking good. The guests and judges praise the dish’s creativity and lightness.

Next, Spike and Manuel’s Good Morning, Vietnam spring rolls. Alas, the judges’ responses are more like good night. They don’t like the fish. They don’t like the vermicelli noodles. And don’t get head judge Tom Colicchio started on the unnecessary, unconnected Swiss chard garnish.

Following them is Nikki and Jennifer’s rustic Il Postino pasta. Tom calls it good, but not great. But Richard, who is used to sparring with opposing critics, says it’s wonderful. So at least one big thumbs up for the gals.

‘Tis the season – For all their disparate taste in films, Ryan and Mark come together nicely to explain their A Christmas Story-inspired fourth course. The quail in lieu of duck breast and spring roll are a huge hit. Judge Ted Allen proclaims it his new favorite dish of the night. Aisha is trying to figure out how to get every last bit of the delicious carrot puree off her plate. Might I suggest licking it? Hey, it worked for Padma and her knife.

The fifth course Talk to Her gals are carefully slicing and plating their rack of lamb. Zoi and Stephanie explain their choice of film to the judges.

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

THIS WEEK’S KITCHEN ESSENTIALS:

Quickfire: Technical difficulties; please stand by. Elimination: Dinner and a movie. Padmaism: “If you guys don’t know who he is, you should just leave the kitchen now.”

Touch me in the morning – Dawn in the Windy City. The cheftestants rise and shine and miss their loved ones. Everyone, that is, except for our chefbian lovebirds.

Jennifer: Everyone has mentioned that they miss their boyfriend or their girlfriend or their kids. I try to be really respectful because Zoi and I have an advantage. We can look at each other. We actually get to touch each other. So I try to be as fair as I can and, like, we keep our distance.

No, we want more touching. More touching, please. Spike, however, does not appreciate all the touching.

Spike: I love those girls and I feel they complement each other beautifully, but I am ready for one of them to go. It is a competition, and having two people in the house that are kind of like working together and understand each other’s thought processes, it puts the rest of us at a slight disadvantage, and that’s all it takes in this competition – a slight disadvantage.

Name that chef – The cooking crew heads out in their holdover red-and-blue SUVs from last episode. In the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma is waiting with a familiar face – or someone who should be a familiar face. In fact, she says if they can’t recognize him, they should leave now.

Does that mean I have to slink away from my TV set now, too?

Actually, he does look familiar. I think I remember him from last season. Turns out the guest judge is none other than famed French chef and restaurateur Daniel Boulud. Padma asks him what the most important foundation for a chef is. His answer: technique. And with that a Quickfire Challenge is born.

The chefs must create a “beautiful vegetable plate” using at least three classical techniques that will impress Chef Boulud. Immediately, long-lost chefbian contestant Lisa (seriously, I almost forgot she was on the show) says she is nervous.

Lisa: I am not into the classical training methods. I like to do things differently. I like to do things however I feel is the best for that moment. This is just not my style of cooking.

Remind me to play poker with Lisa sometime soon, because that face is a dead giveaway.

Eat your veggies – Chef Boulud mentions that two of the cheftestants, Richard and Ryan, have worked in his kitchen before but that will not influence his judgment. Then it’s off to spend 30 minutes doing the culinary equivalent of minding your P’s and Q’s.

Lisa isn’t the only chef quaking in her apron. Nikki and Zoi are both worried about not having the same classical training or technical skills of their competitors. Lots of stuff is sliced and diced and shaped using techniques I can’t spell, let alone use. Bâtonnets, quenelles and tournées, oh my.

Richard scoffs at everyone else’s slavish attention to their knife skills and says he is more concerned about being a chef. Lisa, in the meantime, is intimidated by Dale’s knife skills and scraps her plans to skin a cucumber when she sees his paper-thin results.

Then after the final plates are sauced and garnished, it’s time for jazz hands again as the clock ticks to zero. Top Chef by Fosse – now that’s something I’d pay to see.

Mad skillz, I has them – Now it’s time for Chef Boulud to judge their technique. Who got served?

Zoi: “The chiffonade is well done. You see, it’s paper thin.” Dale: “I am very impressed.” Lisa: “This is back to basic.” Richard: “Is nice the different tastes and textures.” Spike: “You definitely showed the different skill of cutting and all that.” Manuel: “Fennel frond is not really a technique, it is just more of a composition.” Nikki: “When you grill a vegetable, even if it is to show the technique, [you need] a little bit of seasoning.”

The worst: Nikki (endive boat bombed), Lisa (techniques didn’t mesh), Manuel (level one techniques – ouch). The best: Zoi (perfectly poached egg), Dale (amazing knife skills), Richard (an amazing presentation). See, Zoi, no need to fret. Sorry I can’t say the same for you, Nikki and Lisa.

Winning for his technical wizardry is Dale who, more importantly, also gets immunity. If this was Survivor, Padma would give him some kind of Immunity Ladle at this point. She would also probably be wearing a bikini. Damn, now I wish this was Survivor.

Two thumbs up – With Quickfire a thing of the past, Padma explains the Elimination Challenge. The chefs will create a six-course dinner in which each course is inspired by their favorite film. They will draw numbered knives to pair off and cook the coinciding course. The dinner party is being hosted by renowned Chicago Sun-Times film critic Richard Roeper (half of Ebert and Roeper) for his friend, actress Aisha Tyler.

Since there are an uneven number of contestants, Dale gets to pick which of the six teams he would like to join. He goes with the Richard/Spike first-course combo.

Everyone has Richard envy. Antonia says the he is her biggest competition, and Dale says he’s been chomping at the bit to work with him. Thank heavens we have zany Andrew to bring the crazy. He sees Dale as the third wheel since “the weak choose the strong.”

The first course team of Richard, Andrew and Dale pick Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Second coursers Spike and Manuel first think Mexican (Manuel’s specialty), but then go Vietnamese (Spike’s strength). So they go with Good Morning, Vietnam to mesh with their menu. Manuel says he looks forward to learning about Vietnamese cooking. Hey, it’s about favorite films, not favorite documentaries.

Third course couple Jennifer and Nikki both have backgrounds in Italian food, so they think of Il Postino.

Nikki: I think it’s romantic, it’s like country Italian. Jennifer: Yeah, we can hold hands; it’ll be cool.

Oh those sneaky chefbians, always looking to convert the straight chefs. Like you need another toaster oven, girl. Better be careful though, someone is keeping a watchful eye on them from across the kitchen.

Jennifer confesses that it’s more difficult than she thought competing against her girlfriend, Zoi. She also says she knows it will only get harder, but she thinks they both have a good shot at continuing on. Not if she keeps flirting with the competition, they don’t.

Following them with the fourth course are Zoi and Antonia. They go with Talk to Her because it is about two creative woman. So far I have to say nice movie picks, chefs.

I’m with stupid – But, oh dear, I spoke too soon. Fifth course pair Ryan and Mark clearly don’t have any films in common in their Netflix queues. Ryan is less than thrilled to be working with the guy from “New Zealand, New England, where the hell is Mark from?” What was that about Ryan being as dense as his gnocchis, again?

The odd couple’s favorite movies?

Ryan: I love Dumb and Dumber, I think it’s funnier than s—. Mark: To Kill a Mockingbird.

These jokes, they just write themselves.

They finally settle on A Christmas Story, a film whose name Ryan can’t remember and Mark clearly hasn’t seen. Well, as long as no one shoots his eye out, they might still have a chance.

The final twosome of Stephanie and Lisa have the sixth course, but quickly decide that they don’t want to make dessert. Instead, they go with beef and short ribs. And what movie perfectly illustrates beef and short ribs? According to Lisa, Top Secret.

OK, if you’ve ever seen Top Secret you know that the scene in question involves Val Kilmer in a cow suit and some inappropriate relations with a baby calf. I am now officially frightened by the way Lisa’s mind works.

To market, to market – Back at Whole Foods, the chefs have $150 spend on ingredients. Andrew is beyond excited about their smoked salmon and faux caviar with wasabi—white chocolate sauce dish. Yes, white chocolate and wasabi. More on that later.

Andrew: I have no doubt in my mind that the people that will be eating this food will culinarily crap in their pants when they see what we have for them.

Wow, that is some incredibly unfortunate imagery there, buddy. As a good rule of thumb, the words “food” and “crap” should never be in close proximity to each other. While Andrew works on his metaphors, the other teams run into their own problems.

Zoi and Antonia realize that rack of lamb is expensive, so they will need to be extra careful cutting the chops. And Mark and Ryan realize the store doesn’t have duck for the Christmas feast, so they go with quail.

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee – The morning of the Elimination Challenge, Andrew has yet another crazy idea. He wants to be an Oompa Loompa while serving the food so he can “make more of a connection” with the movie. Dale deems the idea too kitschy; Richard deems it too tongue-in-cheek. I deem it just another day inside the insane carnival that is Andrew’s brain.

Once in the kitchen, the chefs are a frenzy of activity. It’s intense, it’s interesting, it’s a miracle. The food looks great, too. Seriously, I’m starving now.

Richard brings out his kitchen toys again to add smoke to his dish. But then technology fails him, and his cool gadget breaks down mid-smoking. Where is Q when you need him?

They try an alternative but it burns the plastic wrap, so they abandon the idea. Then the judges and guests arrive, and in walks Padma. I would like to apologize in advance just in case the rest of this recap turns into an incoherent jumble of monosyllabic grunts. All of my higher brain functions stopped at the sight of Padma in her blue dress. Seriously, seriously.

Padma and Aisha sit side by side, and now I’ve lost control of all motor functions, too. Mmm, Padma and Aisha, mmm. Huh?

Oh right, Team Oompa Loompa was having a crisis. They light a chunk of wood on fire to smoke their salmon instead, which seems to work. But that wooden block is in no way the only thing that’s smoking here tonight.

A world of pure imagination – The Willy Wonka—inspired first course is served and promptly gobbled up. Apparently it’s not just finger-licking good, it’s knife-licking good. The guests and judges praise the dish’s creativity and lightness.

Next, Spike and Manuel’s Good Morning, Vietnam spring rolls. Alas, the judges’ responses are more like good night. They don’t like the fish. They don’t like the vermicelli noodles. And don’t get head judge Tom Colicchio started on the unnecessary, unconnected Swiss chard garnish.

Following them is Nikki and Jennifer’s rustic Il Postino pasta. Tom calls it good, but not great. But Richard, who is used to sparring with opposing critics, says it’s wonderful. So at least one big thumbs up for the gals.

‘Tis the season – For all their disparate taste in films, Ryan and Mark come together nicely to explain their A Christmas Story-inspired fourth course. The quail in lieu of duck breast and spring roll are a huge hit. Judge Ted Allen proclaims it his new favorite dish of the night. Aisha is trying to figure out how to get every last bit of the delicious carrot puree off her plate. Might I suggest licking it? Hey, it worked for Padma and her knife.

The fifth course Talk to Her gals are carefully slicing and plating their rack of lamb. Zoi and Stephanie explain their choice of film to the judges.

Zoi: The women in the movie are very passionate women, so we felt that this movie well represented two strong females with a passion for what they do. Antonia: Our inspiration was vibrant colors, reds and greens, and that vibrant color and feel from Spain.

Then we see the dish. Not so vibrant. The judges call it out for not representing the fiery passion the women talked about. Aisha calls it good, but not transcendent and says she doesn’t feel transported to Spain. She may be asking for a lot from a lamb chop.

The cow jumped over the moon – Finishing out the dinner with their Top Secret-inspired New York strip and short rib wontons are Stephanie and chefbian Lisa. They drizzle a savory caramel finishing sauce over the dish, and Padma takes the opportunity to lick her knife, again. Geez, they’re killing me with this stuff.

The judges and guests all love its originality. But Ted asked the crucial question:

Ted: Does it say Val Kilmer in a cow suit?

Oh, Ted, there was a reason you were my favorite Queer Eyeguy.

The judges huddle after the meal to compare notes. Team Willy Wonka‘s dish gets much love for its surprising flavor combinations and whimsical style. Team Good Morning, Vietnam gets dissed for its fishiness.

The Il Postino and A Christmas Story pairs get “good” and “nice jobs” respectively. No such love is shared for the Talk to Herduo’s non-vibrant dish. And Team Top Secret gets called flawless. That may be the best review that movie has ever received.

Cut to the two bottom duos reviewing their own performance. Manuel is concerned that their dish might have been too simple, while Zoi is confident that their dish is delicious. Ruh-roh.

Simply the best – Padma and the dress enter the waiting room and call the Willy Wonka and Top Secret teams to the Judges’ Table. Everyone seems genuinely nervous as the judges let them squirm through a long, cruel pause before finally revealing that they were the top teams. Then it’s group hugs all around.

Tom praises them for both their food and the way they connected their food to their films. The judges want to know who in the Chocolate Factory had the ideas for the wasabi—white chocolate sauce (Richard) and faux caviar (Andrew). Tom confesses that he was looking for reasons to not like the strange combination but couldn’t find any.

Next the Top Secret gals spill their secret to success. Their idea started with Lisa’s savory caramel sauce. Ted said he worried that having two sauces (a reduction and a caramel) would muck up the flavors, but instead everything was harmonious. Also looking harmonious are Stephanie and Lisa, who are practically glowing.

But only one team and one chef can win, so cut the suspense – who is it? Chef Boulud picks Team Willy Wonka and its leader Richard as the winner. Is it just me or does he look more and more like a chefbian with each passing episode? I think it’s the faux hawk; it seems to be growing exponentially.

Do these grapes taste sour? – Back in the holding area, the mood is considerably less harmonious. The unchosen ones still can’t wrap their brains around Richard’s wasabi—white chocolate concoction.

Nikki: Richard is like light years away from the way I cook. Jennifer: White chocolate, celery root and wasabi? I would never think to do that. Spike: I’m sorry, but those flavors to me don’t go together. Zoi: That doesn’t taste good, I promise. And if this is what they want, then see you later.

With that, Richard and the rest of the chefs walk in and announce his win. I’m betting that Zoi wishes she could suck back her words. Well, that or that she could kill Richard with her Chefbian Glare of Death (trademark pending).

And the news just keeps getting worse. Teams Talk to Her and Good Morning, Vietnam must now go and face the judges.

Antonia and Zoi are surprised by their least-favored status. They thought their lamb was cooked perfectly and the flavors were nice. But Tom says the problem wasn’t in the product but its marketing. The judges were sold on a dish with strong flavors and vibrant colors, but that’s not what appeared on their plates.

Talk to the hand – The good news for team Talk to Her? You can always talk your way out of a bad marketing pitch.

They cop to not having the vibrant colors they’d imagined on the plate, but said the two lamb chops were meant to playfully represent the two women. They make a lot of emphatic hand gestures, which I find always helps when backpedaling wildly.

In fact, it seems to be working. Padma is listening closely.

More hand gesturing. More backpedaling. Antonia says what they loved about the movie was how it was about the simple connection between the women. Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner.

Congratulations, ladies, you’ve just talked yourself out of elimination.

Hanoi Hilton, reservations for two – Can the Good Morning, Vietnamboys pull off a similar feat of self preservation though hand gestures? Well, Spike is sure going to try.

But maybe he isn’t being quite emphatic enough, because the judges go after their dish anyway. In fact, they’re baffled as to where their budgeted $150 went.

Tom: It seemed like all the other contestants had a different budget than you. We didn’t see the value on the plate. It was something that you could find in a local neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant where you would pay $8 for an appetizer.

Pssst, more hand gestures, boys. Seriously, start flailing wildly.

Alas, Manuel keeps it conservative with a one-handed approach. He explains that he thought making a Vietnamese dish would be a great way to learn from his partner. The judges question whether now is the time to learn from the other chefs.

Padma cuts the conversation to the quick.

Padma: So, if one of you goes home for that dish, who should it be? Spike: I don’t play that way. I’m sorry. I’m not going to say that he should go home over me.

Hmm, very noble. I’m going to tuck this little tidbit away for a rainy day. There are a lot more episodes left and a lot of more opportunities to throw someone under the bus.

The judges send the chefs back to the waiting room with their tails between their legs. Each rue their fate, but perhaps none more than Jennifer, who rues for Zoi and thinks it’s unfair that she and Antonia made it into the bottom two. Don’t mess with a chefbian’s woman.

The judges discuss their decision. Turns out Zoi and Antonia could have avoided their fate if only their story had matched their plate from the start.

For Spike and Manuel’s uninspired spring roll, the question for the judges is whether to send home the leader (Spike) or the follower (Manuel). If it were my decision, it would be a no-brainer. Always, always, send home the guy in the stupid hat.

I will follow you – The judges bring them back, and Zoi and Antonia are declared safe because at least their dish tasted good. Spike and Manuel, however, cannot shake their leader/follower dilemma. So who had to pack his knives and go? Manuel.

Alas, Spike and his hats ‘o’ plenty will live to cook another day while Manuel is sent packing. Dammit, nice guys do always finish last. And he is so gracious in defeat. Poor guy, if only his dishes had been as memorable as his goodbye.

Next time on Top Chef: Richard doesn’t charm. Dale doesn’t want whining. Jennifer doesn’t appreciate people putting teammates in the ground. Spike doesn’t care. Oh, and chairs are thrown. Next, on Jerry Springer!

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