“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.12 “Loyal and True”

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A Lez Girls scene — Begoña/Karina and Niki/Jesse are filming that scene in which Jenny/Jesse finally figured/figures out that Marina/Karina and Francesca/Frances were/are playing games with her. Isn’t it sad that, despite the presence of so many slashes, this just isn’t half as much fun as fanfic?

Adele sees Tina arriving on set and cuts the scene. She sends a minion named Sally to deliver a message to Tina.

Sally: Adele wants you off the set.

Tina: What?

Sally: She has asked me to have you removed from the set. She said she can’t work with you looking over her shoulder.

Tina: You’ve got to be f—ing kidding me.

Sally: I know.

That “I know” was a nice touch. There’s dissent in the ranks, Adele. They’re going to tie your shoelaces together when you’re not looking.

Tina marches over to Adele, who is standing by a railing and lighting a fancy cigarette.

Tina: What is this?

I told you; it’s a fancy cigarette! I know it looks weird, but try to keep up.

Adele says she knows Tina’s loyalties lie with Jenny, so she can’t have her doing Jenny’s bidding on the set.

Tina: Adele, I’m the producer of this movie, OK? I busted my ass putting it together. Why would I let you kick me off the set?

Adele: Because you want this picture on schedule and on budget?

Oooh, what a threat! Because never in the history of filmmaking has a movie been late and over budget! Just toss her over that railing, Tina — you know you can take her.

By the way, the music in this scene is reminiscent of the theme from Chariots of Fire. And that’s only fitting, because so far this episode has been a marathon of suck.

The hospital — Helena is telling Peggy about Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi. She describes Dawn as a “small-time petty con artist.” Kinda like Catherine the poker player, maybe? Time to get your revenge, Helena.

Helena: She virtually stole the Planet out from under [Kit].

Peggy: Why don’t you buy it back?

Yay! It was sort of predictable, but I like it anyway.

Peggy: Every lowlife has a price, Helena. And most likely a peccadillo or two that can be easily discovered, if she needs a little persuading.

Helena is confused at first, because Peggy so recently told her not to buy friendships.

Peggy: Didn’t these people stand by you when you had absolutely not one red cent?

Helena: My friends? Yeah, they did.

Peggy: So you wouldn’t be buying friendship from them if you already have it. I really wish you would try to evince some more clearheadedness, Helena.

Doped-up Peggy P.’s vocab can kick the ass of your honor student’s vocab!

Helena is still bewildered, but Peggy makes it clear that she never intended to keep Helena’s inheritance from her forever. She’s still not sure Helena is “dignified” enough to tend to the family fortune, though.

Peggy: But I have to leave all my f—ing money to someone, and I’m not going to leave it to my Lhasa apsos. Talk about undignified.

Helena: So what would you want me to do with all your f—ing money?

Peggy: As is your wont. Spend it willy-nilly. Buy your friend a nightclub. Buy her two.

Peggy Peabody is more than a woman. She’s a force.

A bumpy ride — Clea (Melanie Lynskey) is giving Alice that scooter ride she promised her last week. But they’re going a little too fast, so they get stopped by a cop.

While Clea chats with the officer, Alice calls her own personal MP. Tasha is still having a good time with her friends. Alice is bright and cheerful on the phone. A little too much so.

She and Clea take a stroll and talk about what “total pigs” the LAPD can be. They’re a lot alike. See?

I don’t remember ordering another serving of this personality-via-wardrobe stuff. In fact, I would like to send it back, because it does not agree with my stomach. Or my eyes, my brain or my love of all that is decent.

Clea: So … was that your girlfriend on the phone?

Alice: Yeah. It was.

Clea: That’s a little bit disappointing for me.

Alice: Me too. God, that sounded bad.

They come to a bridge, so they cross it — well, they go just halfway across. Hint, hint. Wink, wink. Yawn, yawn.

Alice admits that her relationship is in trouble. Clea takes that as permission to go in for the kiss.

But they won’t be going all the way across that bridge today. Alice says, “I can’t” and apologizes. Don’t apologize, Alice: We’re all applauding you!

Alice asks Clea whether she’s ever been in a similar situation. Indeed, she has.

Alice: What did you do?

Clea: I … had a really great love affair. But I broke someone’s heart, and I cause a lot of general chaos and destruction. So.

Alice: Yeah. Sounds good. My friend Helena says, “Whatever starts in chaos, ends in chaos.”

She does? Surely she hasn’t said that this season; we’ve heard almost nothing from her. We may even have heard more from her mother. Not that I’m complaining.

The electricity keeps zinging back and forth between Alice and Clea, even though Clea promised herself she would never cause such chaos and destruction again.

Clea: It’s very difficult to stand by your convictions when someone who is, like, sexy and smart and amazing, who you’re super-attracted to, is, like, this far away from you.

Alice takes Clea’s hand, but that’s as far as it goes. Whew.

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